Shitty

  If there's anyone who can take self-loathing to another level, it would be me. I can't say I've been doing much thinking lately, because I haven't. All i've managed to achieve since leaving school late November is...bad health and an intensified version of self-loathing. I haven't exactly been my best this break. I was supposed to get a "summer" job and make some dough for myself so i wouldn't have to dig into the adults' pockets for movie tickets, lunch/dinner outings with my friends, but alas, the holiday is soon coming to an end and yet, i still have not found a job. Neither have i gotten my stupid driving license. The thing seems to be dragged on and on, so hah, at least that's one thing less to be pinned onto this hollow head of mine. Right, so shall we go back to self-and-everything-else-loathing?

  My self-loathing isn't fresh news so talking about it could be quite a drag. Maybe we should skip right to why i sometimes find myself hating everything else but myself. Yes, this happens every now and then. Not a common sight, but it's been going on for about a week now. And i hate it. One thing i hate more than wallowing in self-pity, is wallowing in self-pity over the fact that i'm turning into a whiny bitch that hates on everything that breathes around her, which is what's happening right now. As of late, instead of the usual thoughts i get late at night like, "I'm such a loser", "I'm alone because i suck" and my favorite, "I don't deserve this/them", I get train of thoughts like, "They're lame", "I'm alone because they suck" and my least favorite of all, "I deserve much better than this/them." My least favorite thought of course, doesn't pop up for a visit much but when it does, i get sucked into this dark portal of realization that yells at me, "YOU'RE TURNING INTO A SHITHEAD FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!" before getting transported to another hole somewhere in the universe of Val's Dysfunctional Brain that throws a series of flash cards at my face that say, "Oh my god, you're now a sad loser."

  You see, i used to think that having thoughts about how pathetic you are or how your own life is the saddest thing ever, but that was way before i discovered that sad thoughts consist of many, many levels. And on these multiple levels, the one that claims victory of the saddest of all thought, is the one that's telling yourself that you've now unlocked the gates to the Kingdom of Loser Land and the key will forever be in your rightful possession because you are now King to the land of sad losers, well, your land of sad losers since they're all your thoughts and your sadness.

  BASICALLY, IT'S JUST REALLY SAD TO REALIZE THAT YOU'RE BEING A DICK WHEN YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHTS TO ASSUME THE ROLES OF DICKERY. So yes, if this isn't sad, i'm not sure what is. Okay, maybe i should explain in a more detailed fashion the thoughts that i've spent many nights pondering about, but it would really suck because they are such whinny, sucky thoughts that are so far from the truth, they make the journey from earth to Pluto seem like joke of the year material. Yep, so. Lately, i've been hating on something else other than my incompetent self. Yes, i've started to find the thought of my acquaintances less than appealing. And this worries the shit out of me because it is something that has not happened before.

  So far, the only negative thoughts i get about my fellow peers are when i'm pissed off at them for being insensitive, which they rarely are, or when they're being annoying, again, a very rare occurrence as i have been playing the role of being annoying for many years now. So yeah, i get angry at my friends, i cuss at my friends but i've never blamed them for making me feel the way that i do most of the time(with the exception of one little asshole that didn't have the decency to stay the fuck away from me). I'm currently feeling really bad about having the thought because not only is that a dick move, it is also...oh wait, the 'd' words says it all.

  Yep, I is feeling da shit. 

Not Over It Just Yet

  Right, so I know I shouldn't be thinking about it again since I've got three papers to sit for this week but I've done some analyzing and I guess I wanted to share? I think it's more than crystal clear how unsatisfied I am with how everything turned out to be. Why? Because I had nothing to do with it. Like, literally. All I attempted to be was a peacemaker, and honestly I wasn't even the only one playing that role and yet I've got the biggest bulls eye on my head. Was it really my fault? Was it such a huge sin for me to not want to see a friendship of four or so years fall apart? It's not fair. I wanted us to stick together. I wanted us to enjoy the last year of high school together as a group of mates that had each others' backs no matter what. But apparently, I was the only one foolish or naive enough to have thought that what we had was something solid enough to be called a friendship. Well, obviously time has proven it to be otherwise.

  A lot of people would say that "things happen for a reason" or "now you know who your real friends are", and yeah I guess I'm in agreement, but a little part of me, okay maybe like a very, very big part of me is still stuck in the past. That part of me still refuses to let go of what is over and done with isn't letting the rest of me enjoy my remaining moments with my other friends. Who knows? Maybe fate was right, he and I were just two friends that were never meant to be. Maybe my other friends were my "real friends". Sigh, but it isn't fair. Even if he didn't want to be my friend anymore, at least have a good enough reason to leave. Knowing him, his oversensitiviy and stubborn attitude were probably the two main culprit of my group of friends' fallout. And it's because of his lack of better judgment in selection of friends, he will one day be alone in his two bit apartment wondering if he should've calmed down and talked things out with us. Maybe then he woulnd't be as pathetic and friendless, but oh, too bad because it's too damn late.

  I hope you're enjoying your life now with the people who you think are you true friends. And I hope that you'll be able to pull yourself together and bring yourself back up when these "friends" of yours leave you to pursue their more important relationships and other things in life that doesn't involve your presence in because we all got priorities in life, don't we? And it isn't written in stone that you always had to be on top of them. Even though you were pretty much at the top few of mine. It's such a shame you had to abuse your right in mine thought, so hasta la vista baby, I couldn't give two shits about your broken heart when you realize who were there for real and who weren't.

  I'm sure I'll be feeling sorry that I had this posted up at around 2 a.m later when I'm wide awake and guilty on my bed, but there's no way I'll be taking this down anytime soon, or saying my sorry's because this needs to be said and heard by the future me as a reminder to never let down my walls to people who deserves nothing less. Also, I will not apologize for being pissed at you. You deserve all the hate that I'm able to muster up.

Tay and Ed Were Right, Everything Has Changed

  It's been what, less than half a year since i posted something up here and so much has changed. The amount of what's changed is so big that it kind of feels like everything has changed although it probably didn't and i was just being dramatic. But some things definitely has changed though, and there aren't all good things. Honestly, there hasn't been a single good thing in whatever that changed in the short course of half a year. They're all just bad upon bad and worse upon worse. I can't really think of the things that turned from bad to worse but there is something that stands out from everything else. Maybe because it was fairly recent, maybe because it was the ultimate bad thing that happened, i don't know. The only thing i do know, is that i hated it for happening. I really, really do.

  You know like, there are so many 'expressions' in the internet about getting dumped by partners or friends turning into strangers and i've always been behind the screen of my phone as a witness to it all, their pain, sadness and regret. But never have i experienced it firsthand, until lately. No, i didn't get into a relationship. The only ship that went Titanic on me is one of my friendships. At least, i thought of it as a friendship. God knows what the other person thought of our companionship as. Yep, made a mistake of trusting someone too much and putting in all these effort into them just to see it become a pile of shit at the side of the road. A pile of shit at the side of the road would probably have more appeal than what i did for them because they'd at least spare a glance at the poop next to their feet when the walk over it, which is more than i can say for the relationship between them and i because not only did they walk over me, they did it without even taking a goddamn glance down at me, or what i've done for them. And for that, i can't help but feel like the biggest idiot in the world. It's like whoaaa, so this is how backstabbing feels like. Yeah, gotta say though, after what i've been through for the past month, i'm not a fan of getting left behind.

  Left behind. Sigh, i was abandoned. They abandoned me without turning back. They did what they did without the slightest hesitation. And how was i supposed to feel about that? How was i supposed to get myself to get over that? Because it sucks, seeing yourself gradually being dumped by a person whom you've always thought so affectionately of. You've always put yourself out there so that you could always be there when they need you. You've always been willing to do whatever it took to make them happy because you know how hard life was for him. You've always assumed that this friendship will go on forever and that you'd always have each other's backs because you've known each other for such a long time. But, no. You thought wrong. If there's ever been a worst decision you've made, it'll probably be the one where you ultimately decided that you had a friend, that you weren't totally and pathetically alone in this world.

  I know that because i made the horrible mistake of making that error. I wish i could take it back because it haunts me. They haunt me. Our memories together.Our laughter. Our smiles. Our secrets. And it kills me to finally come out of my shell of denial to realize that it was only me who cared about whatever that we built between us. I hate you. I hate you so much. And not because you had nonchalantly threw me away like i was a used toy, but because you made me think lowly of myself. You let me poison my own mind. You disgust me more than any rapist or murderer ever did.

  You made me convince myself that there was nothing about me that made me good enough for anyone or for this world. You made me believe that i was nothing and will continue to be nothing because i couldn't i even keep a friendship of eight years afloat. You made me think that i was all things bad and being with me will only cause people pain and a shit load of inconvenience because i was a burden. I thought i wasn't worth it. I thought i wasn't worth anything. And this was before you turned your back on me without muttering a word of explanation. After all that happened, it only came to proof that i really wasn't worth it, that i really wasn't worth anything. How could you do that to me? Or to anyone? You're so fucking sick, you know that? Is it fun for you to make me feel like i'm the one who did something wrong? Who did something so bad that i deserved all this?

  There is nothing i want more than to spit on your face when i see you because you still had the audacity to smile your shit smile at me like nothing happened, like you didn't just casually ignore and stop talking to me for a month, like you weren't the one who started telling other people things that you used to tell me. I'm not jealous. God no, i'm not fucking jealous. I'm goddamn pissed that you pulled something so fake on me. Am i not even worth your true emotions? Oh wait, i was probably the only one who saw our friendship as anything remotely real. My fucking mistake.

  And you know what's the most pathetic out of all this crap? The fact that even though i can't wait to sucker punch you in the face, i still want you to be okay. I know you're going through some tough shit, and i understand whatever it is that makes you stay wide awake at night because i really, totally get it, and that's why i want you to be alright. Despite the fact that you basically shoved me back into the pit of darkness that i just barely managed to crawl out of. Wow, isn't that one hell of an achievement for you? Great job, friend. Your mom must be so proud of the man you've become because i know i am.

  I'm extremely proud that you've upgraded yourself from being a liar to a two-faced liar. That's really something, isn't it? You know what, if you didn't like me in the first place, you should have just stayed the fuck away. You shouldn't have come crawling to me when your family got fucked up and when you had "things that only you can understand, val" to say to me. And how pathetic is it of me to still hope that everything's fine with you. To hope that you're in a better place than i am.

  You fucked me up. You fucked my fucked-up self even more that it's already fucked up. Maybe i'm blowing things out of proportion, maybe i'm exaggerating about what really happened because my fucked up head tends to do that, but when i put myself, all of myself out there for someone to have them not only failing to do the same for me but also kicking my lousy, piece of shit ass to the curb and making me feel even more lousy and shitty that i already was feeling, things tend to get a little heated up. And i tend to lose my crap over it.

  If only temper was the only thing i lost in this dumb ordeal and not my sleep, my peace and that little piece of my heart that i claimed to be little because i didn't want to sound sadder and more pathetic than i already did.

  But in the end, i'm still the pathetic one because you're not the one with the heavy eye-bags and tear-soaked pillow cases. And i'm not the one enjoying the last days of high school surrounded by people who liked me, genuinely enjoyed being around me and would do anything to continue being around me.

  In the end, i'm still sad and alone. And very, very lonely.

Halfway Through

Well, hello. It's been a while, hasn't it? My monthly absence had something to do with the applications on my phone which are easier to access and you know, post stuff whenever wherever. So yeah, it was much more convenient than coming on here, not that i'm complaining because nothing ever beats the feeling of your fingers swiftly typing away on a keyboard. Honestly, it's been so long since i actually used a keyboard and my fingers are rather rusty with their movements. I keep making typos and they're annoying as getting a 74 in a test. Anyway, another reason for my continued lack of appearance is none other than the cockblocking done by SPM. Yeah, i'm actually smashed right in the middle of it right now. Tomorrow's paper's history-- the last history paper that i'll be sitting for since there are three in total. Dumb, but it does assist us dumb students to get marks. One hard subject down, three more to go. Well, four really. The science subs are a bitch and accounts is the spawn of Satan. God, i wish i never have to go through numbers that complicated ever again.

   Now, i didn't really come onto here to moan about my remaining SPM days. Two more weeks and i'm home-free. One more step closer to being an adult. Everyone's been on my case about what field i should consider to go into. They're like "oh, go for Business or Finance. Val, be a banker." That wouldn't be much of a problem if  math and numbers weren't the bane of my existence. There is literally nothing i despise more than numbers. Nothing. And that's saying a lot since i'm one of those people who have issues with almost everything that breathes. Or not breathe. What can i say? Issues will be issues. Anyway, i honestly have no clue what i might want to do in the future. Of course, i have multiple options to choose from and honestly, they're pretty wide-ranged since my mom is rather supportive in that area. She wants be to find something that's able to keep my interest perked up so i don't regret and give up halfway through second semester and uni and waste her life's saving. Plus, i have a younger brother. So, making the wise choice would be, wise.

  Yet, i have no idea which would be the wise choice. Oh, wait, i kind of do but i'm in denial. A whole lot of denial. I don't want to do finance, that's for sure. I'm leaving my Business option wide open because that doesn't seem as life-sucking as Finance but i still can't be too sure. After all, i'm probably too dumb to approach something as flexible and ever-changing as the world of business. It freaks me out, knowing that business is the base to anything and everything in the adult world and if i were to venture myself in it, there are only two possible futures for me. One, i get rich in a span of 10 years and have a nice car, a nice pad, a few Corgis and a damn good pair of headphones, or two. Also, several musical instruments of high quality of my liking. But of course, that's just one of the possibilities. Number two, i work for 10 years from company to company, getting nowhere, having to send my mom to live with my probably still in college younger brother and sleep under the town bridge every other night with one sock on.

  I don't know, i'm just saying that it could happen. But maybe i won't go into a Business degree. Maybe i'll put myself up for something else, but God knows what other option do i have left on my table. A few months back i was considering HR because it was something that had the most relation to psychology, which is something i think i've managed to convince myself to like. See, that's my problem. I'm always going around telling people that i think psychology's interesting, but i never really looked into it. I mean yeah, the whole thing is cool, no doubt, but it wasn't cool enough for me to want to read books written about it, or i don't know, youtube videos that related to psychology or whatever. I guess the whole concept of it just appealed to me. Plus, if i were good enough, i could even become a doctor which is actually one of my more crazy dreams because that obviously is way out of my league. But yeah, i considered psychology but i'm unsure about it because you sure as hell can't get jobs with a psych degree from where i'm from. 

  Then, i thought, you know, i really like music. Like, i have a really big 'thing' for music. But too bad i have zero talent in it and even if i did, what difference would it make? I'd still go nowhere. So this undoubtedly goes down my list of crazy dreams not to be achieved in this lifetime. Or ever. It's really sad because i really do love music. I love a lot of things, but i'm never good enough to be great in it. Hence me not achieving anything. I wish i was great in something. Not just good, but great. So i know i'd be able to survive a world of whatever that was instead of sitting here being worried as heck about not being able to feed my mom or brother or grandmother in the future. Being the oldest had its perks, but are they enough to weigh out the cons?

  I have a lot more to say, but it has nothing to do with this topic so i'll just post it up later. Peace.

Idk

  I just got back from watching the film adaption of the book "The Fault In Our Stars" by a brilliant, magnificent author, John Green. I adore the book, I really do. I'm pretty sure there's a post here somewhere dedicated to John Green and I might also have talked about TFIOS, but now I'd like to talk about my feelings, post-TFIOS movie.

  How do I feel right now? As expected, I feel nothing less than down. Maybe I'm sad. I don't really know how I should describe what I'm feeling right now because I honestly have no idea if I'm feelings anything. I don't think I'm making sense. Um, okay, I feel numb. Like super numb. And sad. Numb with a slight tinge of sadness. I have all these feelings bottled up inside me somewhere but as of now, I can't seem to find the right key to access all those feelings. I don't even feel like talking.

  I hate this. I hate it when I get down without a specific reason. Although I do kind of have a reason to feel sad and heartbroken because hello, it's TFIOS we're talking about here, and if it was the normal me, I would have a shitload to say about the movie. How this scene made me bawl my eyes out, and how that scene made me hate the world even more so that I do now. But right now, I have nothing to say. Or rather, I don't want to say anything, but there's a big part of me that wants to be able to say something.

  Ugh, this isn't making any sense. I'm not making any sense. I guess I just feel empty. And I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to face people I don't wanna see. I don't wanna face life. I just. I don't wanna be here. I hate being here. I hate being here as me.

  I'm useless. I just really want to disappear somewhere, anywhere but here. Actually, I think I might wanna die. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm running out of time. I'm running out of second chances. I'm running out. 

I Just Want To Be Alone(for now)

  Maybe i've been asking for too much. Maybe God's got sick of me always wanting something that i myself know that i don't deserve. God, i'm sure you're aware of how sick i am of myself, right? My house, my home, my shelter, it protects and has protected me over the years, but now, all i feel is that this place that has been taking care of me, will finally be the death of me. I think, at this point, there is nothing i want more than it to be the death of me. That, or my own personal room.

  You must be thinking, wow she's feeling like complete crap right now and still has the mood and whatnot to joke around. Well, sorry, but you're wrong. That wasn't a joke, i really am dying to have a room to myself. Literally dying. So literal i could almost taste the sleeping pills that i've been considering to put into my mouth since the starting of the year. Am i being a spoiled brat? Am i being ungrateful, wasteful, for wanting out of this gift of life by God and my family? Maybe i am, but i can't help but think that things might just be easier if i hadn't existed. Obviously, i'm not worth a rat's ass. Obviously, i'm just a trash of the society. Obviously, me and happiness are not meant to be. I'm the biggest failure ever, i failed at the only thing that nobody could've failed at even if they tried.

  I've failed at life.

  Living should be the easiest thing to do. It comes to show how useless i am because i couldn't even pull myself through this, through my short teenage life. Things are so horrible up in my head right now, that i've just spent roughly around 45 minutes crying about God-knows-what. No, i'm serious. I can remember why i started tearing up in the first place, but i should've stopped after around 10 minutes of crying. I didn't though. This time i passed the ten minutes, my tears just kept flowing. It continued streaming down both sides of my face until i found myself at a loss for trying to find a reason to my overflowing of tears. I cried so much, and for so long, i didn't even know why i was crying anymore. It came naturally and it was unstoppable. Believe me, i tried stopping it.

  My family probably thinks i'm angry at something stupid and pointless again. They don't understand that i'm just using teenage angst as a cover-up for what i'm really feeling inside. Do they really think that i can be angry 24/7? I just act like i do so that no one would ask about why i cry silently in the bathroom when everyone's downstairs doing their own stuff, why i go to bed at 10.45pm to only fall into slumber at 2am in the morning, why i sometimes don't want to talk or look people in the eyes when i do, why i lock my doors, why i desperately want my own room. I could answer all of those questions right now, but is there really a point to it? I mean, isn't it obvious enough already? Right, maybe the first three was, and the part about wanting my own bedroom can be a little misleading, so i'll provide a short explanation for that one then.

  I want my own room because only then, i'd finally be able to cry in peace. No interruptions. Just peace.

  As of now, i can never really do anything without someone barging into my shared room asking me where this and that was, or if i've done this or that yet, or if i know how soon my public exam will be arriving. And they wonder why i lock my door whenever i'm in my mom's room. Yes, i'm so desperate, i use my mom's room as a second-room. It's actually a pretty good place for me to collect myself and be alone, but too bad whenever people try to come in and discovered that i've locked the door, they'd knock the wooden door down until i open up and explain to them that i wasn't doing anything 'funny' or 'guilty' inside.

  I just want to be alone. Why can't they get that. Why can't they understand that i, a seventeen year old with a messed up head and life, need my personal space to fulfill my messed up needs. Of course, they can't be blamed because i've given them the impression that lead to their underestimation of how messed up i actually am. What child in their right mind would actually tell this to people? Even if they were their own family? I don't tell mine because i don't think they deserve to be put through my own shit. My problems are my problems, i'll do my best to deal with them myself, and even though i'm failing miserably at that, i don't think dragging them into this would help them with their lives. It might help me, but knowing that they would be suffering along with me because of it, it's just not worth it. I will not do that to my family. Not after what i've put them through for being alive and in existence.

  Is this me being selfish? Or big-hearted? Or just guilty that i'm living a life that i absolutely do not deserve? I think it's a little bit of everything. God, i'm just so tired. And school isn't helping. It never does. And i'm not helping myself. I never do. This is why i'm such a waste of space on earth. And also a waste of a perfectly perfect life of a daughter.

  The only thing i'll ever regret, i think, is the fact that i was born. Is it wrong, horrible for me to say something like that? I don't know anymore. At this point in life, i don't know if i wanna know anything anymore. 

Me And My Feelings Again

  School's starting in a couple more days, less than 72 hours from now and how do i feel about that? I am absolutely overjoyed. Yes, i'm being sarcastic. Just yesterday, I had again, one of my fairly rare breakdowns all because of what my grandma had said to me. I say fairly rare because it actually has been a while since i last felt like i wanted lighting to come and strike me right in the face. After getting my phone back, i realized that nothing much has changed, I am though, using the iPad a lot more often now because i guess i got used to using it since two months ago when my phone got confiscated. Anyways, i think, the last time i felt crappy, like above-average crappy was around a month ago? Or maybe less, but three weeks tops. Yeah, i wasn't that sad, and things felt like they were going to be fine or rather i didn't spend time thinking about things because it was the holidays.

  But yesterday was a wow. It had been while since i cried that much and horribly, that when i realized how i felt about the words that exited my grandma's mouth, i spent a few minutes thinking about it, about how un-sad i was for the past two weeks or so. Now that school's reopening, it means that my problems, my fears, my issues will be coming back to me and it's time for me to spend nights and days thinking about them, letting them tear me apart again. If i had a choice, i'd honestly just pull the trigger. I mean, what's the point of living when i'm just another living matter that's taking up earth's rather limited space?

  It's actually quite humorous when you think about those two words, 'living matter'. I'm alive, but not living. I'm a matter, but i don't exactly matter, not to most people at least. I feel bad for those who actually put in the effort and time to care for me because in the end, i know i'm just going to explode right in front of their faces and let them know how big of a fuck-up i really am. Oh, how i wish i wasn't me. How i wasn't me that's living my sad, pathetic life.

  Do i sound depressed enough yet? Because i took another depression test this morning, after taking a personality test the night before with the results showing that i have a depression level of 99%, and the depression test showed some rather interesting things. I don't particularly remember anything from it other than the obvious results. So, the end results after hundreds and hundreds of question answered was as below:-

1) Level of depression: high
2) Type of depression: major depressive disorder(clinical depression)

And also, it is advice that i visit the nearest clinic and have the psych side of me checked out. Or, I could give a call to the suicide/depression hotline and seek assistance.

  None of which i did because honestly speaking, i didn't want anyone to know about this. I mean, yeah this is an online blog, but i'm the only living thing that comes here and post and read the shit that i posted. Basically, i think this is my problem and my family has got their own hands full with their own lives so why bother them with mine? I know people say, "Sharing is good, talk about it, let loose your feelings", but uhh, i think i'll pass because one, i don't think i can handle them knowing about me being ever weaker than they already think i am, two, there was no way in hell they would understand what i'm going throug because heck, i don't even know what i'm going through.

  I just know two things about myself right now. The first one being, i'm sixteen-and-a-half and super messed up. The second one being, i'm trying my best not to screw things up for my family by keeping them in the dark about the shit that's going on with me. I'm pretty sure some of them get the hint that there might be something a little off with me, yeah okay, so maybe Val's sad and whatever, but she's a teenager and that's normal.

  Hah sorry, but no. You underestimated the degree of my sadness. Even if i went up to them and told them, "hey i think i've got depression" all they'd do is look at me and laugh because do you really think they'd know what depression is? Okay, so maybe they do, but i think, i personally, believe with all my heart that they just wouldn't get it. "Depression? So?" that's exactly what they would say because come on, how many people or kids they know have go through this sort of thing? This disorder is probably seen as some sort of joke to them, but they're not to blame because depression isn't something everyone would understand.

  It takes a depressed kid to know a depressed kid. If you haven't been there, you wouldn't understand it, not completely at least. People can try to be sympathetic and "understanding", but you know in your heart that it just isn't the same. They don't know what you know, they don't see what you see, and they sure damn well do not feel the way that you feel.

  I hope no one in the world would ever feel the way that we depressed people feel because living like this, it's just horrible. You're not living, you're just trying to live. You see life has a blackhole and you're just slowly waiting for it to engulf you completely until you disappear, until the world around you disappears. The irony though, gets to me all the time because i love life, i really do. And i appreciate it. I appreciate being able to walk, to talk, eat, sleep, dream, listen to music, see people that i love smile and laugh and have good things happen to them. I just wished that the life that i have could become someone else's because i really feel that all this around me, my family, my friends, my life, it's not mine to have. I'm not worthy of it. Not even a single bit worthy of it.

  I've never told anyone this, but when i cry, i actually feel a gush of relief. Relief because at least when i cry, i feel like i might not be as bad as i think i am, that i still have some sort of good in me that's keeping me here, keeping me alive although just barely.

  I hate school. But it's not really school that i hate, it's the person going to school that i hate. I hate the way that i'm dealing with school stuff and i hate myself for being so weak, so useless. Just, why the hell am i born? I don't deserve this beautiful, extraordinary thing called life. Give it to someone else, just not me. I'm a waste that will only waste away whatever that's given to me.

  My feelings. It's the only thing i can actually focus on even when i don't want to. What am i even saying right now. Oh god, i feel so lost. I'm lost.

What Else Has Changed?

  Today, i finally got my phone back. After two long months of phone-less hours, I finally have it in the palm of my hands once again. Although it has become somewhat of a foreign weight on my hand, i still am glad that i have it back with me and that i can call and communicate and just be cool with my phone again. Anyways, i went to fix my guitar strings last weekend(finally) and wow, was it pricey. My high E string broke a little over two months back, around the same time i lost possession of my phone, so yeah, i was both phone-less and guitar-less for two months. Truth be told, it wasn't as horrible as it seemed to be. Like i mentioned in my previous update, being without my phone was something new and it brought me a gush of fresh air. I felt good, for once. I'm not sure if that had something to do with my phone being taken away from me, but i just know i didn't feel as much negativity as i did when i had my phone with me.

  Now that i have my phone back, it feels kinda weird. I realized that the screen was a lot more smaller than thought it was and how big my fingers were typing away on the keypad. I also came to a realization that without phones, we as humans would still be able to survive, well, at least i would. It really wasn't that bad. As for my guitar, after months of not being able to pluck it, fingering the chords, the tip of my fingers started to ache again after playing it for a short while. That's what i get for not practicing and damn, were they a pain in the arse. There are like, two thousand songs i'm dying to learn but can't because thirty minutes into playing it, my fingers felt like they were being scissored off one by one. Ugh, i hate it. I hate not being able to play. I hate being rusty.

  What else has changed? Hmm. Nothing much, i guess, but i did get an increase of subscribers on asianfanfiction.com. I went from 20 subs to around 78 subs in a month and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't happy about it. I didn't think anyone would find any interest in my story because well, it was off to a pretty bad start, being extremely slow in progress and very low in suspense and shit, but surprisingly there were people out there who liked these. Apparently, as long as you continued on with your frequent updates and made sure they didn't stray too far away from the main characters of the story, the subs would still like it. I wish i could write better. I hope i don't disappoint them LOL, but i really have zero experience with writing stories that i actually carry on after the third or so page of it. Yep, so this is pretty new to me. I hope i do well.

  Right, i have tuition in like half an hour so i'm gonna go. It's accounts so i can't exactly afford to ditch, no matter how tired and sleepy i actually am. And ugh, i still have to go to school early in the morning tomorrow for the stupid teacher's day thing. It's like we actually care enough about them to want to celebrate it with them. We're just forced to. They probably don't even like us, so why should we like them? There is a line between respect and seeing them as anything more than teachers. Kay, i'm tired and i want to go to bed. BUT I CAN'T UGH. GOODBYE.

Damn

  I just typed out a super long update but had left it hanging while I went to check out other social network and now it's gone. Fucking app didn't freaking save it as a draft. God damn it. I will not apologize for my excessive usage of inappropriate language because I had already done so in my previous post but sadly it wasn't saved so you'll never know what I said or what I talked about. Fuck you blogger app for being so dumb and un-user friendly. Middle finger up. Or you could always just you know READ BETWEEN THE LINESA OF MY FINGERS. 

  Dammit it was such a good update. Ugh. I hate you and I don't care if I sound like some spoilt thirteen year old right now because I'm utterly annoyed of your failure at being effectient like you were supposed to be. 

f(x)

  Alright, i did say i was going to tell you more about my newly found love towards f(x) so here it is. When the day i happen to fall out of love with f(x), hopefully i'll come back, read this post and remember what is it about f(x) that i love so much; so much that i stopped being anti-Kpop(sorry for being a judgmental bitch). Firstly, i'll talk about the root of my f(x) love. How did i find out about f(x)? Hmm, i was actually online, scrolling through twitter and whatnot when i stumbled upon something Asian that looked like it could be something interesting. It was actually about a ship, or an OTP(one-true pairing) of two members of f(x)-- Amber and Krystal.

  Their ship was named 'KryBer' or 'Amstal' but the first one was more widely used compare to the other one. So, i clicked on the link and began my journey of shipping 'Kryber' the hardcore way. I'm not joking, by the way, when i say "hardcore" because i really am a hardcore Kryber fan. How hardcore? Well. There's the constant need to search up the net for links with the Kryber tags. I read fanfictions, stalk tumblr and twitter pages made in the name of Krystal and Amber's "love". Now, this might not seem very extreme from the way i put it but trust me, it was pretty radical. I did this everyday. Like, from Monday to Sunday of every week since they day i discovered about them. I did it when i got up in the morning, before i go to school, after i got back from school, as i'm eating dinner, shitting in the toilet and just whatever time when i'm not at school or at tuition. It became more than a routine, it became a need; a want; something i had to do or else i'd spend the day going cuckoo. So, maybe i went a little overboard with the ship, but it couldn't be helped. I really was, what's a less impacting word for "obsessed"? Okay, maybe there isn't a word for it. Right, so i was obsessed. Really, truly obsessed.

  During my super-obsessed period over Kryber(still obsessed but not as cray-cray no more), i thought maybe i should check out their music since you know, they are part of a dance/music group. So i did. And i didn't like what i found. Again, i say i didn't exactly know what i was expecting but still, i guess i had wished for something different, much, much more different than what they actually were. I listened to their more popular hits, watching music videos of them dancing around in silly Kpop backgrounds and wearing even crazier outfits. I really didn't find what they were singing or dancing about anywhere near likable. Honestly, they were as dumb as i pegged Kpop to be. So, i stopped trying to get myself to watch their music videos, fully convinced that they were in no way any different than the other Kpop groups that annoyed the crap out of me.

  Then, everything changed when i made the last effort to check out videos that related to them. They were a part of this, reality TV show thing where they were filmed during their vacation in New Zealand. There were tons of videos of the TV episodes on Youtube, and well, i actually only watched it at first because there were Kryber moments in them, but i watched them nevertheless. At first, i only watched the ones specifically edited to show cast Kryber moments and Kryber moments only, but that was when i discovered something phenomenal. It never stroke me, but who knew the rest of the members were so hilarious? Watching the Kryber-cut episodes, i grew extremely fond of how the members acted around one another. I was constantly amused and entertained at the way they talked and treated each other throughout the episodes.

  It wasn't long before i finished the Kryber-cut episodes and went for the real thing. I watched the entire installation of Amazing f(x), that's the name of the show and well, that was probably the best decision made in my life. From watching their interactions, i fell in love with the members of f(x). I fell in love with every single one of them-- Amber, Krystal, Luna, Sulli and Victoria. When i first knew about Kryber, i didn't really know them. I mean, i know of them but that's it. I never really bothered to understand them better. As i watched more and more of the episodes, i found them extremely different from how my head had previously perceived them as. I love them because they were like family. I never thought that a Kpop girl group could actually get so close, so attached to one another. I guess they just felt real, and that's what i love about them.
Like, you can tell that they actually care and like one another a lot more than other groups. It could be just me, but that's what i really love about them-- their relationship with each other.

  Yeah, so i fell in love with their family-like bond. And the fact that Krystal and Amber were fluent English speakers and quite Westernized was a bonus. Actually, it was a HUGE bonus because that was what made me so interested in their ship in the first place. I was surprised by their American way and loved it whenever the spoke in English. It became something i looked forward to whenever i watch their videos and stuff. Victoria, the leader of the group, is Chinese. Amber is too although she can't really speak it, but it made me like them even more. They are such an interesting combo-- three Koreans and two Chinese. They spoke all kinds of globalized language so it was easy for us fans to feel more connected to them.

  So, after all that, i went to listen to their music again and the weirdest thing happened. It grew on me. Their dance moves, their catchy choruses that meant nothing but gibberish to me actually grew on me! I found myself hooked on the music videos, always watching it and rewatching it and never really getting bored with it. It's crazy. I liked them so much i even tried to learn a couple of moves but of course that failed because i couldn't dance to save my life. So, i downloaded their videos and songs into my phone, laptop, iPod and yeah, i'm still listening to them ever since. They kind of make me happy. It's weird, i know. I don't even like happy songs but here i am, bopping my head and moving my body to the beat of their songs.

  This has been a really long post, but seriously though i love f(x). I love their bond, their uniqueness, their concept(not really), just them in general. I love Kryber even more. I read about them, i stalk their news and yeah just whatever, i'm delusional like the rest of the Kryber fandom. I also write about them ahah yeah i know, who knew i'd actually write fanfictions about Kpop people, but i love them. I love Amber. I love Krystal. I love Amber and Krystal together. They're just i don't know, so real?

  They make me happy so be it. Right. So this should be the end of this long-ass post. I feel like there's a lot more i wanna talk about f(x), like their personalities and such but i'm tired and it could literally go on forever. Just know that right now, the most important things to me are Mayday Parade and f(x). They're such a contrast but they make my life a little better than it is. Peace.
 

IT HAS BEEN A WHILE

  SO, it has been a while, hasn't it? I'm not sorry for not updating though since i'm kind of like the only one who comes on here and reads the shit that i write. Yes, i write for myself. Nothing wrong with that. Anyways, my absence has a concrete reason to it. I usually come here when i'm feeling shitty or when i wanna rant about the worse things in life that a person could ever go through, so seeing that i haven't been a frequent visitor for the past um, month(?) is saying a lot about my current feels. As of now, i'm feeling pretty great. A little uncomfortable and pressured due to my mid-terms starting next Monday which is basically a day away and of course, i haven't really studied for it. Fuck, my fault again. I am so going to rot. I just pray that God gives me the strength to stop myself from doing something stupid again. Okay, so maybe not studying for the test is another one of my stupid mistake, but this mistake hopefully will not cause me my ultimate downfall. Right, i really need to get a grip, before it really, really, is too late.

  As i was saying before i was rudely interrupted by my fear of getting kicked out of school for my stupidity, i've been feeling rather okay. Remember when all i did was hate myself and cry and wish that i could die all day everyday? Yeah, hopefully that was just a short phase in life that i don't have to repeat ever again because quite frankly, i haven't been feeling like that for the past month. After my phone got confiscated, i find myself really empty and all that "Oh my life is gone cause my phone is gone" shit. I didn't have much to do, couldn't connect with my friends, couldn't update my social network accounts, couldn't do anything i've been doing for the past three years of my life. I was pretty much going crazy from boredom and whatnot, but i was lucky(or unlucky) because i still had the iPad to fill the emptiness i felt in my life. 

  You'd think that with nothing to do, i'd actually go pick up my textbooks and study, but no. I don't know what's wrong with me but i could never get myself to study. I guess that's the biggest part of me that i hate the most. Me being unable to do what i was supposed to do. Me not being able to motivate the ass out of myself. I hate it. I dread me having to do anything that has anything to do with school and education. I don't think i hate the subs that i study, no, but i just hate the fact that i can't get myself to study. Does that make sense? God, i'm lazy as fuck. And so fucking demotivated on top of all that lazy ass shit.

  So, i did what i could with the iPad. I went around looking for new things to obsess over. Okay, so that's not exactly what happened. I don't remember the exact moment i realized i found something to occupy the two months of my phone-less life, but it happened and i have no regrets. Why? Because for once, i wasn't drowning in my own self-pity and the depressing days finally seemed like they were a distant memory. I doubt that i was happy, but at least i wasn't as down as i was before. What i found, i think, was a distraction for me. Either that, or i just lost touch to whatever that reminded me of depression. Lost touch because i usually look those things up using my phone, and with it gone, i guess i don't think about it as much. 

  My obsession for these couple of months though, is something i never thought i would actually like or even come to like. Those were the waters i never thought i would tread on. What was it? Kpop. Loljk i still don't like kpop because it's too commercialized and i don't really go for happy music. They're too upbeat and loud. Yes, they're catchy but it's not something i'd like to listen to before going to sleep or when i'm trying to calm myself down after a day of shit. Definitely not, but i'm digging something of the Kpop genre.

  f(x). Yep, they're called f(x). They're a pop dance/music group of five girls of different age and race. People say that their type of music is different compared to the other Kpop groups out there because apparently they had a different sound to their stuff. Being a kind of an anti-Kpop fan, i didn't quite like what i heard from them at first. Actually, i pretty much hated their sound because if there's anything i hate more than electro music, it'd be dance music because they kind of sound the same to me. Seriously though, i hate electro. Can't stand it at all. When i checked out f(x), i didn't know what i was expecting but it was definitely not what i had found. Um, maybe i should talk about f(x) in another post since this is getting too long. Haha, i might even get sick and bored reading this damn essay. So, peace for now. 

Hopelessly Hoping

  So, I've definitely been feeling better, at least for the past few days of the week. I'm glad that i got past the guilty-and-ashamed phase, but i'm also hoping that i don't fall back and become the same person that i was a month ago. That was a mistake, i am a mistake. Anyways, today's post is about something my friend had casually brought up a few weeks ago at school. I only thought about it now because, well, because a lot of things were going on in my life and yeah, basically, i was really in no place to be thinking of anything else other than how messed-up my life has become. So, my friend, she asked me this simple question while we were in Chem class at the school lab. "Val, is 'hopeless' your favorite word?"

  If not mistaken, i was reading a book at that time, so i was caught off guard by her question. I paused, not knowing how to answer her, so i decided to counter-attack her question with one of my own in the end. I asked why, of course, because it really seemed to be the most random question she could ever ask me. That's when she pointed out the fact that my screen name on Twitter is "hopelessly hoping", also, my username is "valizzhopeless". Last but not least, this is kind of like the funny part, i don't know, it managed to humor me lots, so yeah um, at the time she asked the question, i mentioned that i was reading a book, yes? Well, that book is called "Losing Hope" which is the second book in the "Hopeless" series. Not amusing? Okay, fine, yeah maybe it's just amusing to me, but seriously though, my username, the book and my constant need to scribble the word on my wrist and forearm, of course i had to be totally oblivious to my absolute fondness towards the word "hopeless".

  Honestly, i really did not notice it. I know i've always been quite the observant eye, but this has managed to slip right past me. I think i've thought about it once or twice, but it never really occurred to me that i had a favorite word and that it would be "hopeless". So, after concluding in my head that the word was indeed of significance to me, i answered my friend's question. Of course, she wondered and asked me why i had settle on such a negative, pessimistic word, but truthfully speaking, there was no better word to describe my entire being than "hopeless" or "hopelessly hoping".

  The phrase "hopelessly hoping" was actually derived from the lyrics of  a song called 'Still Breathing' by my favorite band, Mayday Parade. The original lyrics are, "I'm hopeless, but hoping." I favored that phrase so much that when i was in need of a new screen name on Twitter, i just decided to use it. I have no regrets whatsoever on that decision because it just, well, it just describes me so well. If we could put our faith into a single word, mine would be "hopelessly hoping" because i truly believed in every single letter of the word. I don't know what's up with me obsessing and making such a big deal out of the word but i just want to express my, um, my love(????) towards the word.

  I don't think i need to explain any further on why i like the word because hey, you've already got the obvious answer. If one day i happen to forget about my fondness towards the word, i'll just reread my blog posts and get reminded why. Easy stuff. I actually have the word "hopeless" written with a black Sharpie on my left forearm right now. I'm proud of it and wish it could stay there, on my arm permanently, like a tattoo, but it's not because i'm out to show off that HEY LOOK AT ME I'M SO COOL CAUSE I'VE GOT A TATT SWAG SWAG SWAG, yeah definitely not because i want other people to look at it, but because i want to look at it. I want to look at what my heart and mind are trying so desperately hard to express everyday. It's kind of like those extremely vain people who always have to have a mirror with them all day long so they can check themselves out every now and then, like every 75 seconds. I want the word to be there so i can see myself like how i see my reflection in the mirror, because the word reflects me better than any mirror has ever had. Peace.

The Greatest Disappointment

  I've done it this time. I've really done it this time. You know when you're banned from using computer at home and one day while you thought nobody was at home and used it but then your mother popped up out of nowhere and sees you using it? Yeah I'm in that kind of situation, but it's something a lot heavier than just using a computer. I don't wanna go into details because it's too much for me to reminisce about it, but all I've been doing for the past week was think about it. Even if i somehow managed to get it out of my system, it was just temporary.

  It was everywhere. I get into the car, I think about it. I turn on the shower, the images flash through my mind. I lie on my bed, all I could feel was how I felt the moment when everything went wrong. And now, it's worse, because I need to tell her what I've done. I need to tell my grandma. This will be literally, the hardest thing I'll have to do in life. It's not easy because I know the news is going to break her. It's going to break me. She loves me so much and had invested so much time, energy and hopes in me. She wanted me to be the best of what I can be, but I've failed her. I not only failed her, I failed myself. I flunked out on life.

  And that would be the biggest stab to the heart to my grandma. I can't believe how I let my stupidity get the better of me, but it did. I allowed it to and now I'm here suffering the consequences. It would be the understatement of the year to say that I've regretted. I'm sorry I did what I did, but I'm not that sorry I got caught because it was a wakeup call. It was a wakeup call that I needed because without it, I would've sunk deeper and deeper into the hole I've dug for myself. I just wished I didn't have to drag my grandma, or anyone else into my mistake. My failure. I deserved it, but they didn't.

  I haven't broken the news to her yet, and I'm dreading every single moment, thinking about it. I cry almost every time I'm alone because I really don't know how I should be handling this situation. I've lost my way once, I feel like I'm losing it again right now. I try to think about the best possible way that I could tell her, but there is none. Either way, her heart will shatter, her mind will be clouded with sadness and disappointment. And I am to blame. So, every time I think about it, I just break down. There is no easy way out of this one, and I've already taken my fair amount of that route. I'm done for. I'm really, extremely, undeniably, done for.

  I see my grandma every day, every hour and my heart just dies little by little. I don't want to be the person who does this to her, I don't want anybody to have to do this to her. And it just, it just kills me to know that I've made myself become that person. I did. I am to blame. I've been faking smiles and conversations for almost two weeks now, it's like I'm there but I'm not. I talk, I laugh at the right moment and everything just seems normal, like I'm fine, like everything's fine, but I know it's far from that. Every time I laugh, I think of what I've done. Every time I open my mouth to speak, I think about how my mouth will move to the words when I tell my grandma about the things that I've down. Every time I breathe, well, I just wish I could not, then again, that would be taking the easy way out, and as much as I want to do that, I can't. I just can't do it anymore.

  I'm such a disappointment. I've always been a disappointment. I dont know how to not be a disappointment. I just hope that my grandma will be understanding and i don't know, maybe not be on hard on me? I know how much this will hurt her, but she has no idea how much it'll kill me for knowing that I'll be hurting her. Knowing that I'll be the greatest ever disappointment in her life. The greatest disappointment, sigh.

Feelings

  I've been reading my updates and wow, they're all about my feelings, aren't they? I'm always talking about how i feel about this and that. Actually, i'm getting kind of tired seeing me having nothing else to talk about other than my feelings. If they were positive feelings, i don't think i'd have much of a problem with it, but they aren't. And i doubt that it's healthy to be talking so much about wanting to hang myself. I might find myself drowning in self-pity on a daily basis, but that doesn't mean i like it. I don't, not one bit.

  Do you have any idea how pathetic it is to be always having problems with yourself? Always tearing up because oh, i'm not good enough, i'm not worthy of this, i'm not worthy of that. People always tell me, "Try harder" and i'm like yeah, okay i will but in the end, i don't. I don't think i've tried harder to make things better. Actually, i don't think i've tried at all. I don't know how to make myself want to try. All in all, i lack self-motivation. I lack those qualities needed to pull myself up from the shit that i've drowned myself in.

  Okay, so here i am talking about my emotions again. Haha, i think it's inevitable to have a blog and not talk about your feelings. It's just something natural to do, you know? I don't even know what direction this post is getting to, so i should probably just stop. I guess i just wanted to talk, and having no one in the flesh to do that with, there's only you, ol, blogger left. Sometimes i wish you could talk back to me, or give me some sort of reaction, anything at all. Wow, guess i really am sort of lonely huh? Ciao.

Dying On The Operation Table

  Okay, so i wasn't exactly dying on the operation table, but i would be lying if i said i wanted to make it out of surgery alive, because i don't, i really don't. Long story short about the surgery i underwent, there was a lot of wrong that was going on with my face so my family decided to take action and brought me to a skin specialist to figure things out and one thing led to another. Before i know it, i was sitting on a bed in the hospital ward wearing nothing but those big, blue, hospital gowns you see from movies, waiting for my turn to enter the operating theater to be, well, operated. At first i thought that this was going to be a small operation, just to get rid of the virus thingie growing on my face but apparently, things were more critical than i pegged them to be. So yeah, i spent the Friday before school started, reading a novel on the hospital bed, in the company of my mother, who wasn't very happy with me because of the cost of the operation. I don't blame her, i'm the one with all the wrong things in life, and she's just trying to fix it up a little for my sake. What are mothers for huh?

  Anyways, my mom said something to me as i was lying on the roller bed, about to be pushed into the room where the operations took place. "So this is as far as i go", she had said and i smiled at that, because this scene was interestingly familiar, i mean all of us had at least watched a soap opera or movie where someone has to be sent into operation right? So yeah, that exact scene was playing in front of me, and i was one of the main characters. Actually, i was the main character, the one being pushed into the operating room as he or she lied helplessly and alone on the roller bed, bidding farewell to family or friends at the door of the operating room. Before the doors closed completely and i lose complete view of my mother, i heard her say, "Say a little prayer to God", though it was kind of a whisper, i heard it and wow, you had no idea how much irony radiated from that. Why? Because when people say that, they usually mean oh, pray to God that everything goes well and that you'll be safe and sound when the operation's over. And if it had been the old me from two or three years back lying on the roller bed, i would indeed pray to God for my well-being. I would, i really would.

  Um, but i'm not the old me. I'm not that happy-go-lucky preteen from two years ago. I'm not her anymore, though i really wished i was. So, instead of actually praying to God that i'd make it out alive, i kind of scoffed(?) at what my mother had said, because honestly, i could feel it, somewhere deep within me, that i knew i didn't want to make it out alive, although this was a very minor operation and there wasn't much at risk, but still, there's always a possibility for things to go wrong, and it was highly unfortunate for me as i was holding on to that one in a million chance for the surgery to go downhill. I remembered thinking to myself as i laid wide awake on the bed in the operating room, waiting to be put onto the operating table that i was secretly hoping, wishing that i would somehow overdose and die, or get an allergic reaction from the meds and just pass on. I'm aware of how horrible this sounds but it's not like anyone but me reads these anyways, so i'm pretty comfortable with sharing my deepest thoughts on here.

  So yes, i wanted to be dying on the operation table, but obviously, i didn't. I got knocked out by the whatever gas they made me inhale when they put me on the operation table and i don't remember anything else from the operation other than the pain in my left arm when the injected something into the tube that was already connected to my vein and then i counted "1,2,3...", but before i could reach "4", i was already under. Totally, and utterly, under. It was weird though it didn't feel any different from sleeping, but there's just something in you being forced to go under and you knowing you're forced to go under that just gives you that strange feeling. That's my theory, at least.

  So, here i am, alive and well, with these wounds all over my face. It's still bandaged up, my face, with all the dressing materials but i can see some of the wounds and they resemble chicken pox, which i never got but i assumed it would look like this. The doctor said he had removed well over a hundred of those weird, unnatural cells and viral growth on my face, so basically my whole face is covered up with red dots now. And they're itchy as hell. God, what i'd give to rip my face off right now. Scratch that, what i'd give to rip my heart out of my chest right now. Yes, the surgery hasn't changed me. I still want to stop my lungs from functioning. I still want my red blood cells to stop forming oxyhaemoglobin. I still, want to die.

  Things with school, things with family, things with friend(s), things with my face. They're too much. And i can't help but feel so small whenever i think about it. I can't wait to go back to school and face all the embarrassment i deserve, yeah, definitely cannot wait for that. I can't wait to get out of my house and let everyone see how wrong my face is. I can't wait to face the world that i have lost my rightful place in. I can't wait to break down again. I can't do it now because i can't wet the bandages and my wounds, so yeah, strictly no crying allowed. Haha, i'm trying. Not to cry. I'm trying. To die. Without hurting. The people i love. In my life.

  There are so many things in life that has gone wrong for me and i'm not sure if i have what it takes to try and pull it together to fix them. I don't think, i'm strong enough. I don't think i deserve enough to live my life. I don't think i can, go on.

  They always say, "When there's a will, there's a way." For me, i have lost my will, and i have lost my way. I have lost everything that mattered to me. Everything.

  I wish i had died on the operation table. Why didn't i die on the operation table.

I'm Alone

  What happens when your dad abandons you for a new life? What happens when your mother is more focused on making life good for you than actually caring about you? What happens when your grandmother, the only real motherly figure in your life, turns her back on you because you disappoint and piss her off every time you look her in the eyes? What happens when you managed to only have one actual friend whom you can talk to but annoy the shit out of her every time you start up a conversation? What happens when you realize something titanic about yourself, but have no one to talk about it with? What happens when you realize that, you're actually all alone in this world?

  I've got a great family. I wouldn't call us completely dysfunctional, but i think we're doing pretty well. Okay, scratch that, they're doing pretty well. We got more than enough food and water on the dining table, we usually get whatever object we desire, no questions asked, we travel and go to places that only quite a handful of people can afford to go to. Yeah, what's there to complain? Honestly, there isn't. I don't hate my life. I hate me. There's a difference. I hate the fact that me, Valerie Chan, is living my life, the life that is laid out in front of me. I just don't think someone like me deserves to be living a life like this, a good life. Well, this is where the self-loathing comes in. Anyways, there's nothing wrong with my family, or my life. I'm the only problem in this equation. Lately, i've been feeling rather, suicidal. I'm more than depressed. I'm at that stage where depression is just like white rice to the Chinese, it has become a daily thing. I feel it so often, i don't think there's anything else that i feel anymore, other than sadness, rage and annoyance. I hate feeling negative. Being negative means you're probably pissing off everyone else in the room with you and trust me, that's the last thing i out to achieve. 

  I've been locking my doors more often nowadays. I usually lock myself in my mom's room, like i am right now, because i don't have my own personal space. My family hates it when i do it, they ask me, is there something you're hiding from us, what the hell are you doing in there. Typical questions and i don't blame them, but when i lock my door, yes, it's because i'm hiding myself from them. Hiding, and shielding myself. They don't understand it, but one word from them and there goes my mood. It doesn't even have to be hurtful or annoying, but sometimes certain words just click, and one word leads to a thought, and a thought leads to another thought and before you know it, i can't think straight anymore. All i wanna do is jump off a building and let the world disappear from my mind, and let me disappear from the world. That's why i make it a habit to close and lock my doors, so that i wouldn't have to deal with them. I wouldn't have to look them in the eye while listening to whatever they have to say, be it good or bad. Usually though, they're bad and i end up trashing the room out of anger and self-hatred. After that, i'd go around cleaning everything up because one, this isn't my room, two, i can't let them see what i've done. They can't know. They can't ever know.

  I'm a flawed person. I have so many flaws that i managed to only have two friends in my life that i can actually count on, and they're twins. It's not a bad thing, don't get me wrong, but they're twins. There will always be this invisible line between them and i, an unbreakable line, but i'm cool with it and with them. Although i feel like that isn't how it i am to them as of late. I think i'm pissing them off, what with my negative attitude and constant hating on the human race. It sounds like i'm blaming the world for what i'm going through, yeah i know, but it isn't like that, it really isn't. My opinion, is that why do bad things happen to good people, and the greatest things happen to bad people, well maybe not bad people, but people who don't deserve it as much as some others. Take me for an example, i'm a bad child. I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being and i pretty much do not deserve to be alive right now and living this life that i have, and yet here i am. There are innocent people out there, good people who are willing to do so much more for the world, who deserve to live my life. Instead, they're out there suffering from hunger, lacking from a roof over their heads and whatever hardships people without homes or stable income are facing while i sit around everyday failing the one purpose i have in life for now. I disappoint, i sadden, i piss people off, i'm nothing but a burden. I shouldn't be here. I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna continue being here and cause everyone else to be unhappy or be that person to hold them back from what they could've had. 

  Do you see now, how alone i am? There are how many billion of people in this world, but none are willing to have a conversation with me. I don't blame them, i blame myself. I blame myself for being the way i am, for not being better, for not being strong enough to make myself better. I searched up "suicidal" on the net this morning, and i looked through signs of a suicidal person. I guess it can be confirmed now, that i am indeed on the verge of being a total suicidal freak. Out of the 9? characteristics of sign and symptoms of being suicidal, i have managed to fulfill 6 out of those 9 characteristics. 6 out of 9. That's bad right? Haha, i wish things were better than i hoped them to be. I wish i had someone to talk to so i wouldn't feel so alone. I wouldn't feel so unwanted and isolated, but in life, you can't always get what you want.

  I'm trying not to lose myself. I'm trying, but i'm so tired. I'm so tired of breathing because every time i do, it hurts and it kills me on the inside, bit by bit, until there's nothing left but a hollow shell. I wish i wasn't alone. I wish i were a better person so i'd have people that actually cared about me, people who actually want me there with them as they experience the good things life has to offer. I wish that i wasn't me. And that i was somebody else. Somebody better, somebody who isn't ashamed, or guilty about being alive. Someone who isn't pathetic like me. Someone who isn't me.

Songs of Scenarios (my feelings)

I know i've got my problems

And it starts with me

She saw something inside that i can't see

And late at night yeah, she'll comfort me

Hold on to me

Hold on to me

I got a nervous habit

And i drink too much

She says she hates her life and wants to change her ways

She wakes in the night and whispers, oh so quiet

Hold on to me

Hold on to me

 Don't you ever leave

Don't you ever leave

I know i've got my problems

And it's probably me

So, hold on to me

Hold on to me

I stay up too late

And it hurts to breathe

I said, it's four a.m girl, go back to sleep

Sometimes at night i can hear her dream

Come rescue me

Come rescue me

Don't you ever leave

Don't you ever leave

I know we got our problems

And it's probably me

So, hold on to me

Hold on to me

I'm a drifter's body in an open sea

And i see my reflection staring right back at me

When there's no place to go and you're left all alone

There's no place like home

Hold on to me

Hold on to me

Just stay with me

Just stay with me

I know we got our problems and you'll probably leave

So, hold on to me

Hold on to me

I could never leave

I will never leave

So, hold on to me

Hold on to me

Hold On To Me

-Mayday Parade

These lyrics might not make sense to a lot of people, but if you feel the way that i do, you'll find that these lyrics is that thin piece of thread that's holding on to you right now, and it's keeping you from falling into the hole that will be the end of you. I usually feel better after typing out lyrics that i can relate to and yeah, i'm actually feeling a little better now. Music helps a lot. Truth be told, music is the only thing that helps, or is the only thing that's willing to help. "I know i've got my problems and it's probably me." This particular line speaks it all for me. 

"And How Do You Feel About That?"

  I need therapy. Or at least, some kind of professional help from people who know what they're doing. Every single day, with each passing hour, i can feel myself slip away, little by little. I'm losing my grasp on everything. When i'm not busy thinking about how different my life would be if i hadn't done what i did, i'm thinking about ways to lock myself in my room with a bottle of sleeping pills in hand. I'm not in denial anymore. No, i'm way past that. I've come to terms with wanting to kill myself. I've come to terms with me being suicidal. If asked the question, "And how do you feel about that?", the only answer i have would be, "I don't know," because in truth, i really don't know how i feel about me going suicidal. I remember from my previous post when i touched on topics about suicidal people/teenagers, i talked about it not being the right decision, that it was something like an act out of impulse. I used to think of suicide as a cowardly act to hide or escape from problems, and honestly, i still think that it is, but now i don't see it as something wrong, or foolish anymore. Actually, suicide is probably the most logical thing in my head right now. Nothing made more sense than just disappearing from the surface of the planet.

  I used to hear my conscience telling me how wrong and stupid it is to take the short-cut out of life, but now, all i hear is silence. Horrible silence lingering around my head. I wish i could go back to when i was okay. When my biggest problem in life were my grades. Back when i didn't have to deal with so much guilt, disappointment and self-pity. It's so hard to breathe. It's so hard to do anything other than sleep or cry. I wish i could stop crying. It makes me feel weaker than i already am. I hate the fact that one single word can bring me and all the walls that i've tried to build around myself down in a nanosecond. My problem is me. My family's problem is me. My friend's problem is me. My school's problem is me. The society's problem is me. The world's problem is me. Why should i be here? What did i do to deserve to be here, to have this life when millions of innocent people, are out there somewhere, suffering with what they probably didn't deserve. I don't deserve this. I'm not worthy of anything good in life. That's probably why i'm sitting here, feeling like this, while typing all these out. Maybe this is my punishment. Maybe this is all that i deserve. I just wished that my family didn't have to go through all those shit for me. I wish i could just disappear. It'd be easier for them, for myself. God, help me. I have no where else to go. I have nothing left for me here. I'm too broken. I'm too wrong. I'm bad. I'm bad for this world. As if the world isn't bad enough. Please, just let me be gone.

  I can't handle the things that are going on in my head and in my life. I'm not expressive like my brother, he talks about his problems and whatnot all the time to my family. That was always something i could never do. I don't know why, but i just feel like i shouldn't burden them any further with my own problems. I don't want to make their life a bigger mess than i already had. I just want to disappear so people around me would stop suffering because of me. I don't want to be the reason for people's unhappiness. I want everyone to be happy all the time. I want everyone to never feel the way i'm feeling right now. I hope everyone would never stop feeling okay.

Ashamed

  I don't think i can live with myself anymore. This past week has been a wake-up call for me and all of it just feels like a bad dream. A nightmare. Waking up, i've realized that i'm so far off from the person i once was. I went through this dramatic and very much drastic change, but not in a good way. Jesus, not even in the slightest positive way. Every second my eyes stay open is another second i spend thinking about the things that has gone wrong in my life. It is also another second i spend hoping that a car would come and end my life. I don't feel like i should be breathing anymore. Yeah, it's wrong to take the easy way out but this pain, this struggle is going to take its toll on me very soon. It's going to come at me at its maximum speed and claim me for the wrongs that i've done. I don't mind it. I really don't. There are only two things i want right now. One, is for me to die. Two, for me to miraculously turn back time. Out of the two options, the only probably one would be option one and i would do it myself if i wasn't such a coward.

  I get it now. Why some people are suicidal and would actually go to the extend where they put a blade to their wrist and cut deeply without a sign of hesitance. I've been through it, not the wrist-cutting part, but the part where you realize that killing yourself is the best option out of all options. You see, when you're stranded in such a situation where there's no point being here, alive on earth, you just want to die because you feel that being dead would be less painful and much, much more bearable than being alive while watching your whole world burn down and gets destroyed right before your very eyes. And of course, you can only remain stationary at the edge of it all with the torch in your hand. Everything that has happened is my fault. I take the blame. I bare with the consequences. I hope that God is able to find His faith in me again and provide me with the strength and self-confidence that i am desperately in need of right now.

  I need help, but there's no one around that would be willing to listen to my pathetic side of the story. God, i'm fucking pathetic. I'm so pathetic that everything i do scream fucking pathetic. In case you don't know exactly how i feel right now, i have taken some time to type out the lyrics to a very, very relatable song. And here are the lyrics. If you think they're too pathetic, just sod off. I can't bear with all of this right now. I just can't.

Do you know what it's like

Not to know what is wrong or what's right

I've been throwing away the efforts of me

To leave this all behind

Don't feel sorry for me

I have no excuse

I brought this on myself

I've felt ashamed for so long

And you

You are the reason i go on

I don't know how i got here

I don't know where i went wrong

I'm a player that's aged and won't stay away

Cause i've been in the game for so long

Another day, another way

 For me to finally make a change

Another day, another slave

But i'll keep trying

I've felt ashamed for so long

And you

You are the reason i go on

I've felt ashamed for so long

You

You are the reason i go on

I can't escape all the problems i made for myself

I'm in hell, and accept all the blame

I can't escape all the problems i made for myself

I'm in hell, here's the look but don't stare

I can't escape all the problems i made for myself

I'm in hell, and accept all the blame

I can't escape all the problems i made for myself

I'm in hell, take a look but don't stay

"Ashamed" by Jamestown Story couldn't have been more perfect.

Tragis

  I've been wanting to update for a while now, but things have just been a handful. The first exam of my last high school year is starting tomorrow and i'm extremely under-prepared. Again, there's no one to point the pistol of blame at other than myself, but i don't want me talking about how fucked up i am for my upcoming exam to be the center of my update today. I honestly just want to talk about the tragedy that has struck the world. By the world, i meant my country and China. Who would've thought that Malaysia would acquire overnight fame, but of course it just had to be for the wrong damn reasons. Basically, what happened is that, my country lost a plane of 239 passengers including the flight crew on its journey from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, to Beijing, China. Lost how? That is the ever-revolving question around everyone who gives a damn about it right now because it has been almost a week since the plane was last detected and still, there isn't a single soul out there who has confirmed info on what exactly happened. There are theories, of course, as to what might have happened to the plane. The more logical ones would be the plane has crashed landed into the sea, or the plane has been hijacked by people for God knows what reason and had long landed at some secret hideout. Personally, i would like to believe that the Boeing 777 has been taken over by someone else other than the assigned pilots because that scenario would at least give a chance of survival to the remaining passengers. If the plane had crashed into the sea, chances of the victims surviving would just be non-existent because it's not just a day or two anymore, it has been a week. 8/10 human beings would not be able to survive off-land without food or clean water for 5 days and it has almost been a week. This isn't Life of Pi, this is a matter of 239 souls. This is a matter of the broken hearts of the family and friends of the 239 souls.

  When i first heard the news, i was surprised but i did not look any further into the matter as i thought it was just a news error. I mean, hello, it's Malaysia. The land of peace and unity. Shit like that don't happen here. And honestly, it really rare does. So when my friends told me, "hey a Malaysian plane went missing", i kind of shrugged it off and thought nothing much about it. Obviously i had not yet grasp on the gravity of the situation. When i got home, and was free of all stressful things in life, i got curious and finally decided to look it up. To say that i was on the verge of an anxiety attack as i read the news update about the issue on BBC would be the understatement of the year. With every word and information that gathered in my head, my breath got heavier and heavier until it became so intense that i had to put my phone down and tried not to pull a Carrie in my bed room. It was horrible. The pictures of family crying and screaming and waiting helplessly. The more you looked at them, the more you wanted to be bail out of life because you could feel your tears forming behind your eyes, and your heart breaking inside you, knowing that theirs were already broken. The wait was the worse. Scars heal with time, but only when you've found closure. The families and friends of the people involved could only wait and wait and wait, struggling to hold onto that thin piece of thread with hopes that the ones they hold so close to their hearts were safe and sound. It made the air so hard to be breathed in. It made the world look sick, cruel and evil. It made life into something worth hating on.

  I prayed for them. I prayed that others would pray for them as well because they need it. It's the only thing we as bystanders can do. It's not much, and obviously it isn't enough to help, but i really do hope that all things good find their way to the lives of these people. These sad and broken people. I wish there was something else we could do other than waiting for news updates on the radio and holding on to prayer beads every night before sleeping. Something that could help make a difference. Something that could stop the pain. Something that could miraculously make everything alright again. Pray for MH370. Pray for the friends and families of the passengers of MH370. Just pray.

Busy, Yet Not Really

  I just re-read my very depressing previous post and wow, yeah i was in a really bad place then. I feel like a completely different person right now, but that's how this thing works. 8pm you're feeling dandy, everything's alright. 9.30pm you start thinking, "i don't tell people anything because they don't listen. Why don't they listen?" 9.45pm, your thoughts evolve into something like, "i hate this, why am i like this, why was i born, i don't want my life, i don't want someone like me living my life." Then, you have some sort of mental breakdown where nothing feels okay because you realize that you're never getting back up from whatever hole you've dug yourself into. This usually lasts for a couple of hours, if it happens at night, which it usually does, you'll fall asleep thinking about it and wake up the next morning feeling either better or worse, much, much worse. If the breakdown takes place in the afternoon, chances of you feeling better would be at the lowest because you don't get to sleep and sleep helps to get rid off some of the pain, unless you cry so much, your eyes get so tired and you just lose consciousness. Yeah, stuff like that happens too.

  So now, i'm feeling better. Nothing looks like it's about to fall and crush my skull. I'm kind of just tired as it's been a very busy day, with school activities, movie with friends and grandad's death anniversary. When life gets busy, you find yourself thinking less and lesser about your problems outside of school. Of course, you stress about them too, but just not as much. Okay so i typed the previous two paragraphs last Saturday and i'm only continuing this now. It felt incomplete last week so i didn't see the need to post it up just yet. Nothing much happened this week. I still feel kind of the same, a little numb-er that i'd prefer it to be, but at least i'm not as miserable. I like to think that when i'm not feeling miserable, then i'm somewhere near to the edge of that feeling known as 'joy'. I don't have to feel at the top of the world to be happy, honestly. Just as long as i'm no where near suicidal or depressed, then i guess i'm totally contempt with that being my version of 'happy'. So yeah, i've been in a better place this week. The only annoying thing right now is the fact that my first term exam is coming up and let's just say i'm as prepared as a caveman in a nuclear war. That, and how my laptop is being a complete piece of poop to me. It's moving so slow, i could have discovered a new species of llama before i could successfully transfer a file of 200mb from my picture library into my empty CD. Just, oh my god. I can't do anything on the damn thing and it's not like i'm in the position to ask for a new laptop, but it's really running low on space. I can't dump any of my stuff anywhere because i have no empty space to dump them into. No free flashdrive, no empty DVDs lying around. There are like a shit ton of things i've been dying to download from the net but i can't BECAUSE MY LAPTOP IS A FUCKING OBESE WHO'S GOT DIABETES AND IS DYING. This is really getting on my last nerve. Ugh.

I Don't Want To Breathe

  I just realized how serious the situation has gotten. It's no longer a matter of can't, but rather a matter of don't. Don't what? I don't want to live anymore. I can't take being a disappointment to my family and i can't take being in a world that is completely opposed to my very existence. Some might even say an alien would make a better neighbour than i ever will be, but they should know one tiny thing about me. And that is i didn't choose this. I didn't choose to be the weird one of the family, i didn't choose to be born into this world. Unfortunately for me, i wasn't given much of an option. but if i were to be asked a question, "What's your dying wish?", i would answer, "i wish i was never born" in less than a heartbeat. Maybe i wouldn't have answered it this way a few years ago, heck maybe even a few days ago, but things have changed. In a matter of hours, i have found a reason not to take another breath in this cold world i call my home.

  Being in my house, being around my family, has become a some sort of respiratory-like problem for me. I feel strangled, suffocated and many times i found myself wanting to just let go of all effort to get oxygen back into my dying lungs because what good is a body without a soul? And that's exactly how i am right now. I roam around house with a blank expression not because i'm not there, but because i wish i wasn't there. I wish i could stop feeling so much so i did. I don't respond as much to anyone anymore because if i did, my walls might break. I will never let them have control over my feelings ever again, not if i can do something about it because right now, i'm succumbing to them, to their meaningless yet so lethal words, and i feel like i'm drowning.

  My mind is a blank page right now. I can feel my eyes losing whatever gleam of life they had in them before. Slowly, my body will get in phase with my mind until that day i cease to feel anything anymore. When that they comes, i hope i won't be alive to see it.

Alone And Very Much Lonely

  Chinese New Year is almost here and looking at how this festival has so much to do with family and togetherness, wow it's just an iron fist through the heart. Everybody has been asking asking everybody else "hey have you done your CNY shopping yet?" "Oh my mom's taking me this weekend". As for myself, i only wish i could say the same. My friends and their families are out shopping together for nice CNY clothes, some of them are even baking or making those Chinese cookies with their mother while i'm sitting at home waiting for my mom to return home from wherever she is and when she does get back, she showers, eats and heads back out again. During the times when she doesn't head back out, she's watching tv, sleeping or talking about herself. I was hoping that maybe you know, my grandma would ask me to go out with her to do some shopping or whatever, but those words never did come. I waited and waited and waited, until four days before CNY when i realized i'm on my own. Shopping for clothes with them has become a foreign activity so i had to do it myself or not do it at all.

  I went out alone. Walked through shops and shops alone. Tried on clothes alone. Bought clothes alone. Everything i did, i did on my own and i even used my own money. Maybe i shouldn't been feeling this way because i'm becoming an adult and it's time i start doing things on my own, but i can't help it. Everyone has their family thing and i have my laptop and music. As great as that sounds, it's not enough. It will never be enough.

  I had to hear from others that my dad's back again. YAY PAPA'S BACK SO HAPPY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Um no, as much glad as i am to hear that my father's back in town, i'm also on the verge of breaking down because someone else had to tell me that my own father is back. I didn't hear it from him, it's been days but he still hasn't bothered to tell me. I don't know if it's because he feels guilty or awkward or afraid that being back here would bring some sort of negative impact on my brother and i, which it did but it doesn't change the fact that he's here and he obviously doesn't want to let us know that he's here. That shit hurts okay. Being abandoned is one thing, being ignored is another. Right here, right now, I'm being abandoned by my own dad, and ignored by my own mom. How does it feel like to be me? Just great. You'd think my grandma would've been more aware towards my feelings and shit but nope, she's too caught up in hating her daughter-in-law from China to actually care about anything else. I don't think they realize that i actually feel, and i feel a lot, most of the time a little too much. My dad, he understands that i can be sad too but there's something more important to him in life now than his messed up 17-year old daughter. I'm kind of like the little blip that he'll always notice, but would never have a reason to understand it better.

  I'm a blip in everyone's lives, but if they try hard enough, they wouldn't even see me anymore. Sometimes, just sometimes, i wish i wasn't a blip, or anything at all. Sometimes, i wish i wasn't born.

Losing It

  It's getting worse. I'm getting worse. I'm finding it nearly impossible to stay alert in most classes and my finals are coming up. Ten months isn't exactly a short time but in my case in might as well be two days because i can't effing concentrate. I can't pull myself to wanna study or get better or whatever. I was doing some additional mathematics exercises just now and for the whole time, all i was thinking about was how i don't know how to do this and how i'm going to flunk my upcoming add math paper. I cannot afford to flunk any paper this year and there i was sitting in class doing nothing but preparing to flunk the paper. What the hell is wrong with me. It's like i'm getting dumber and dumber by the day. I can't remember anything anymore, i see things but i don't, i can't focus, i can't read, i don't eat as much. The only thing i don't have a problem with is sleeping. Maybe that's the culprit of all these shit happening to me. Maybe i've been sleeping too much.

  I really do try listening in class, but zoning out comes almost immediately and naturally like the waves of an ocean. I feel like i'm a freaking pendulum, swinging in and out in and out in and out. I want to stay in so badly but i can't stop myself. Everything feels unstoppable nowadays. Me zoning out, the unhealthy train of thoughts forming in my head all the time. I want it to stop. I need it to stop. I need me to stop being me for this year or for the rest of my life. I want to become the clear-headed person who doesn't have so much mental shit going on in her mind. I don't even remember what i think about most of the time, but i just remember be not being able to see whatever that's in front of me that i need to see. I can't block out the things that i don't need but i block out things that i'm in dire need of. Sometimes when i try too hard, things get blurry and i don't really see words as comprehensive anymore. I feel overwhelmed and light-headed. I feel dumb and lost and never being able to find a way back. What's happening to me. How do i stop it. How do i stop me.