Ashamed

  I don't think i can live with myself anymore. This past week has been a wake-up call for me and all of it just feels like a bad dream. A nightmare. Waking up, i've realized that i'm so far off from the person i once was. I went through this dramatic and very much drastic change, but not in a good way. Jesus, not even in the slightest positive way. Every second my eyes stay open is another second i spend thinking about the things that has gone wrong in my life. It is also another second i spend hoping that a car would come and end my life. I don't feel like i should be breathing anymore. Yeah, it's wrong to take the easy way out but this pain, this struggle is going to take its toll on me very soon. It's going to come at me at its maximum speed and claim me for the wrongs that i've done. I don't mind it. I really don't. There are only two things i want right now. One, is for me to die. Two, for me to miraculously turn back time. Out of the two options, the only probably one would be option one and i would do it myself if i wasn't such a coward.

  I get it now. Why some people are suicidal and would actually go to the extend where they put a blade to their wrist and cut deeply without a sign of hesitance. I've been through it, not the wrist-cutting part, but the part where you realize that killing yourself is the best option out of all options. You see, when you're stranded in such a situation where there's no point being here, alive on earth, you just want to die because you feel that being dead would be less painful and much, much more bearable than being alive while watching your whole world burn down and gets destroyed right before your very eyes. And of course, you can only remain stationary at the edge of it all with the torch in your hand. Everything that has happened is my fault. I take the blame. I bare with the consequences. I hope that God is able to find His faith in me again and provide me with the strength and self-confidence that i am desperately in need of right now.

  I need help, but there's no one around that would be willing to listen to my pathetic side of the story. God, i'm fucking pathetic. I'm so pathetic that everything i do scream fucking pathetic. In case you don't know exactly how i feel right now, i have taken some time to type out the lyrics to a very, very relatable song. And here are the lyrics. If you think they're too pathetic, just sod off. I can't bear with all of this right now. I just can't.

Do you know what it's like

Not to know what is wrong or what's right

I've been throwing away the efforts of me

To leave this all behind

Don't feel sorry for me

I have no excuse

I brought this on myself

I've felt ashamed for so long

And you

You are the reason i go on

I don't know how i got here

I don't know where i went wrong

I'm a player that's aged and won't stay away

Cause i've been in the game for so long

Another day, another way

 For me to finally make a change

Another day, another slave

But i'll keep trying

I've felt ashamed for so long

And you

You are the reason i go on

I've felt ashamed for so long

You

You are the reason i go on

I can't escape all the problems i made for myself

I'm in hell, and accept all the blame

I can't escape all the problems i made for myself

I'm in hell, here's the look but don't stare

I can't escape all the problems i made for myself

I'm in hell, and accept all the blame

I can't escape all the problems i made for myself

I'm in hell, take a look but don't stay

"Ashamed" by Jamestown Story couldn't have been more perfect.