I'm Alone

  What happens when your dad abandons you for a new life? What happens when your mother is more focused on making life good for you than actually caring about you? What happens when your grandmother, the only real motherly figure in your life, turns her back on you because you disappoint and piss her off every time you look her in the eyes? What happens when you managed to only have one actual friend whom you can talk to but annoy the shit out of her every time you start up a conversation? What happens when you realize something titanic about yourself, but have no one to talk about it with? What happens when you realize that, you're actually all alone in this world?

  I've got a great family. I wouldn't call us completely dysfunctional, but i think we're doing pretty well. Okay, scratch that, they're doing pretty well. We got more than enough food and water on the dining table, we usually get whatever object we desire, no questions asked, we travel and go to places that only quite a handful of people can afford to go to. Yeah, what's there to complain? Honestly, there isn't. I don't hate my life. I hate me. There's a difference. I hate the fact that me, Valerie Chan, is living my life, the life that is laid out in front of me. I just don't think someone like me deserves to be living a life like this, a good life. Well, this is where the self-loathing comes in. Anyways, there's nothing wrong with my family, or my life. I'm the only problem in this equation. Lately, i've been feeling rather, suicidal. I'm more than depressed. I'm at that stage where depression is just like white rice to the Chinese, it has become a daily thing. I feel it so often, i don't think there's anything else that i feel anymore, other than sadness, rage and annoyance. I hate feeling negative. Being negative means you're probably pissing off everyone else in the room with you and trust me, that's the last thing i out to achieve. 

  I've been locking my doors more often nowadays. I usually lock myself in my mom's room, like i am right now, because i don't have my own personal space. My family hates it when i do it, they ask me, is there something you're hiding from us, what the hell are you doing in there. Typical questions and i don't blame them, but when i lock my door, yes, it's because i'm hiding myself from them. Hiding, and shielding myself. They don't understand it, but one word from them and there goes my mood. It doesn't even have to be hurtful or annoying, but sometimes certain words just click, and one word leads to a thought, and a thought leads to another thought and before you know it, i can't think straight anymore. All i wanna do is jump off a building and let the world disappear from my mind, and let me disappear from the world. That's why i make it a habit to close and lock my doors, so that i wouldn't have to deal with them. I wouldn't have to look them in the eye while listening to whatever they have to say, be it good or bad. Usually though, they're bad and i end up trashing the room out of anger and self-hatred. After that, i'd go around cleaning everything up because one, this isn't my room, two, i can't let them see what i've done. They can't know. They can't ever know.

  I'm a flawed person. I have so many flaws that i managed to only have two friends in my life that i can actually count on, and they're twins. It's not a bad thing, don't get me wrong, but they're twins. There will always be this invisible line between them and i, an unbreakable line, but i'm cool with it and with them. Although i feel like that isn't how it i am to them as of late. I think i'm pissing them off, what with my negative attitude and constant hating on the human race. It sounds like i'm blaming the world for what i'm going through, yeah i know, but it isn't like that, it really isn't. My opinion, is that why do bad things happen to good people, and the greatest things happen to bad people, well maybe not bad people, but people who don't deserve it as much as some others. Take me for an example, i'm a bad child. I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being and i pretty much do not deserve to be alive right now and living this life that i have, and yet here i am. There are innocent people out there, good people who are willing to do so much more for the world, who deserve to live my life. Instead, they're out there suffering from hunger, lacking from a roof over their heads and whatever hardships people without homes or stable income are facing while i sit around everyday failing the one purpose i have in life for now. I disappoint, i sadden, i piss people off, i'm nothing but a burden. I shouldn't be here. I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna continue being here and cause everyone else to be unhappy or be that person to hold them back from what they could've had. 

  Do you see now, how alone i am? There are how many billion of people in this world, but none are willing to have a conversation with me. I don't blame them, i blame myself. I blame myself for being the way i am, for not being better, for not being strong enough to make myself better. I searched up "suicidal" on the net this morning, and i looked through signs of a suicidal person. I guess it can be confirmed now, that i am indeed on the verge of being a total suicidal freak. Out of the 9? characteristics of sign and symptoms of being suicidal, i have managed to fulfill 6 out of those 9 characteristics. 6 out of 9. That's bad right? Haha, i wish things were better than i hoped them to be. I wish i had someone to talk to so i wouldn't feel so alone. I wouldn't feel so unwanted and isolated, but in life, you can't always get what you want.

  I'm trying not to lose myself. I'm trying, but i'm so tired. I'm so tired of breathing because every time i do, it hurts and it kills me on the inside, bit by bit, until there's nothing left but a hollow shell. I wish i wasn't alone. I wish i were a better person so i'd have people that actually cared about me, people who actually want me there with them as they experience the good things life has to offer. I wish that i wasn't me. And that i was somebody else. Somebody better, somebody who isn't ashamed, or guilty about being alive. Someone who isn't pathetic like me. Someone who isn't me.