"And How Do You Feel About That?"

  I need therapy. Or at least, some kind of professional help from people who know what they're doing. Every single day, with each passing hour, i can feel myself slip away, little by little. I'm losing my grasp on everything. When i'm not busy thinking about how different my life would be if i hadn't done what i did, i'm thinking about ways to lock myself in my room with a bottle of sleeping pills in hand. I'm not in denial anymore. No, i'm way past that. I've come to terms with wanting to kill myself. I've come to terms with me being suicidal. If asked the question, "And how do you feel about that?", the only answer i have would be, "I don't know," because in truth, i really don't know how i feel about me going suicidal. I remember from my previous post when i touched on topics about suicidal people/teenagers, i talked about it not being the right decision, that it was something like an act out of impulse. I used to think of suicide as a cowardly act to hide or escape from problems, and honestly, i still think that it is, but now i don't see it as something wrong, or foolish anymore. Actually, suicide is probably the most logical thing in my head right now. Nothing made more sense than just disappearing from the surface of the planet.

  I used to hear my conscience telling me how wrong and stupid it is to take the short-cut out of life, but now, all i hear is silence. Horrible silence lingering around my head. I wish i could go back to when i was okay. When my biggest problem in life were my grades. Back when i didn't have to deal with so much guilt, disappointment and self-pity. It's so hard to breathe. It's so hard to do anything other than sleep or cry. I wish i could stop crying. It makes me feel weaker than i already am. I hate the fact that one single word can bring me and all the walls that i've tried to build around myself down in a nanosecond. My problem is me. My family's problem is me. My friend's problem is me. My school's problem is me. The society's problem is me. The world's problem is me. Why should i be here? What did i do to deserve to be here, to have this life when millions of innocent people, are out there somewhere, suffering with what they probably didn't deserve. I don't deserve this. I'm not worthy of anything good in life. That's probably why i'm sitting here, feeling like this, while typing all these out. Maybe this is my punishment. Maybe this is all that i deserve. I just wished that my family didn't have to go through all those shit for me. I wish i could just disappear. It'd be easier for them, for myself. God, help me. I have no where else to go. I have nothing left for me here. I'm too broken. I'm too wrong. I'm bad. I'm bad for this world. As if the world isn't bad enough. Please, just let me be gone.

  I can't handle the things that are going on in my head and in my life. I'm not expressive like my brother, he talks about his problems and whatnot all the time to my family. That was always something i could never do. I don't know why, but i just feel like i shouldn't burden them any further with my own problems. I don't want to make their life a bigger mess than i already had. I just want to disappear so people around me would stop suffering because of me. I don't want to be the reason for people's unhappiness. I want everyone to be happy all the time. I want everyone to never feel the way i'm feeling right now. I hope everyone would never stop feeling okay.