Idk

  I just got back from watching the film adaption of the book "The Fault In Our Stars" by a brilliant, magnificent author, John Green. I adore the book, I really do. I'm pretty sure there's a post here somewhere dedicated to John Green and I might also have talked about TFIOS, but now I'd like to talk about my feelings, post-TFIOS movie.

  How do I feel right now? As expected, I feel nothing less than down. Maybe I'm sad. I don't really know how I should describe what I'm feeling right now because I honestly have no idea if I'm feelings anything. I don't think I'm making sense. Um, okay, I feel numb. Like super numb. And sad. Numb with a slight tinge of sadness. I have all these feelings bottled up inside me somewhere but as of now, I can't seem to find the right key to access all those feelings. I don't even feel like talking.

  I hate this. I hate it when I get down without a specific reason. Although I do kind of have a reason to feel sad and heartbroken because hello, it's TFIOS we're talking about here, and if it was the normal me, I would have a shitload to say about the movie. How this scene made me bawl my eyes out, and how that scene made me hate the world even more so that I do now. But right now, I have nothing to say. Or rather, I don't want to say anything, but there's a big part of me that wants to be able to say something.

  Ugh, this isn't making any sense. I'm not making any sense. I guess I just feel empty. And I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to face people I don't wanna see. I don't wanna face life. I just. I don't wanna be here. I hate being here. I hate being here as me.

  I'm useless. I just really want to disappear somewhere, anywhere but here. Actually, I think I might wanna die. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm running out of time. I'm running out of second chances. I'm running out.