It's been what, less than half a year since i posted something up here and so much has changed. The amount of what's changed is so big that it kind of feels like everything has changed although it probably didn't and i was just being dramatic. But some things definitely has changed though, and there aren't all good things. Honestly, there hasn't been a single good thing in whatever that changed in the short course of half a year. They're all just bad upon bad and worse upon worse. I can't really think of the things that turned from bad to worse but there is something that stands out from everything else. Maybe because it was fairly recent, maybe because it was the ultimate bad thing that happened, i don't know. The only thing i do know, is that i hated it for happening. I really, really do.
You know like, there are so many 'expressions' in the internet about getting dumped by partners or friends turning into strangers and i've always been behind the screen of my phone as a witness to it all, their pain, sadness and regret. But never have i experienced it firsthand, until lately. No, i didn't get into a relationship. The only ship that went Titanic on me is one of my friendships. At least, i thought of it as a friendship. God knows what the other person thought of our companionship as. Yep, made a mistake of trusting someone too much and putting in all these effort into them just to see it become a pile of shit at the side of the road. A pile of shit at the side of the road would probably have more appeal than what i did for them because they'd at least spare a glance at the poop next to their feet when the walk over it, which is more than i can say for the relationship between them and i because not only did they walk over me, they did it without even taking a goddamn glance down at me, or what i've done for them. And for that, i can't help but feel like the biggest idiot in the world. It's like whoaaa, so this is how backstabbing feels like. Yeah, gotta say though, after what i've been through for the past month, i'm not a fan of getting left behind.
Left behind. Sigh, i was abandoned. They abandoned me without turning back. They did what they did without the slightest hesitation. And how was i supposed to feel about that? How was i supposed to get myself to get over that? Because it sucks, seeing yourself gradually being dumped by a person whom you've always thought so affectionately of. You've always put yourself out there so that you could always be there when they need you. You've always been willing to do whatever it took to make them happy because you know how hard life was for him. You've always assumed that this friendship will go on forever and that you'd always have each other's backs because you've known each other for such a long time. But, no. You thought wrong. If there's ever been a worst decision you've made, it'll probably be the one where you ultimately decided that you had a friend, that you weren't totally and pathetically alone in this world.
I know that because i made the horrible mistake of making that error. I wish i could take it back because it haunts me. They haunt me. Our memories together.Our laughter. Our smiles. Our secrets. And it kills me to finally come out of my shell of denial to realize that it was only me who cared about whatever that we built between us. I hate you. I hate you so much. And not because you had nonchalantly threw me away like i was a used toy, but because you made me think lowly of myself. You let me poison my own mind. You disgust me more than any rapist or murderer ever did.
You made me convince myself that there was nothing about me that made me good enough for anyone or for this world. You made me believe that i was nothing and will continue to be nothing because i couldn't i even keep a friendship of eight years afloat. You made me think that i was all things bad and being with me will only cause people pain and a shit load of inconvenience because i was a burden. I thought i wasn't worth it. I thought i wasn't worth anything. And this was before you turned your back on me without muttering a word of explanation. After all that happened, it only came to proof that i really wasn't worth it, that i really wasn't worth anything. How could you do that to me? Or to anyone? You're so fucking sick, you know that? Is it fun for you to make me feel like i'm the one who did something wrong? Who did something so bad that i deserved all this?
There is nothing i want more than to spit on your face when i see you because you still had the audacity to smile your shit smile at me like nothing happened, like you didn't just casually ignore and stop talking to me for a month, like you weren't the one who started telling other people things that you used to tell me. I'm not jealous. God no, i'm not fucking jealous. I'm goddamn pissed that you pulled something so fake on me. Am i not even worth your true emotions? Oh wait, i was probably the only one who saw our friendship as anything remotely real. My fucking mistake.
And you know what's the most pathetic out of all this crap? The fact that even though i can't wait to sucker punch you in the face, i still want you to be okay. I know you're going through some tough shit, and i understand whatever it is that makes you stay wide awake at night because i really, totally get it, and that's why i want you to be alright. Despite the fact that you basically shoved me back into the pit of darkness that i just barely managed to crawl out of. Wow, isn't that one hell of an achievement for you? Great job, friend. Your mom must be so proud of the man you've become because i know i am.
I'm extremely proud that you've upgraded yourself from being a liar to a two-faced liar. That's really something, isn't it? You know what, if you didn't like me in the first place, you should have just stayed the fuck away. You shouldn't have come crawling to me when your family got fucked up and when you had "things that only you can understand, val" to say to me. And how pathetic is it of me to still hope that everything's fine with you. To hope that you're in a better place than i am.
You fucked me up. You fucked my fucked-up self even more that it's already fucked up. Maybe i'm blowing things out of proportion, maybe i'm exaggerating about what really happened because my fucked up head tends to do that, but when i put myself, all of myself out there for someone to have them not only failing to do the same for me but also kicking my lousy, piece of shit ass to the curb and making me feel even more lousy and shitty that i already was feeling, things tend to get a little heated up. And i tend to lose my crap over it.
If only temper was the only thing i lost in this dumb ordeal and not my sleep, my peace and that little piece of my heart that i claimed to be little because i didn't want to sound sadder and more pathetic than i already did.
But in the end, i'm still the pathetic one because you're not the one with the heavy eye-bags and tear-soaked pillow cases. And i'm not the one enjoying the last days of high school surrounded by people who liked me, genuinely enjoyed being around me and would do anything to continue being around me.
In the end, i'm still sad and alone. And very, very lonely.
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