Right, so I know I shouldn't be thinking about it again since I've got three papers to sit for this week but I've done some analyzing and I guess I wanted to share? I think it's more than crystal clear how unsatisfied I am with how everything turned out to be. Why? Because I had nothing to do with it. Like, literally. All I attempted to be was a peacemaker, and honestly I wasn't even the only one playing that role and yet I've got the biggest bulls eye on my head. Was it really my fault? Was it such a huge sin for me to not want to see a friendship of four or so years fall apart? It's not fair. I wanted us to stick together. I wanted us to enjoy the last year of high school together as a group of mates that had each others' backs no matter what. But apparently, I was the only one foolish or naive enough to have thought that what we had was something solid enough to be called a friendship. Well, obviously time has proven it to be otherwise.
A lot of people would say that "things happen for a reason" or "now you know who your real friends are", and yeah I guess I'm in agreement, but a little part of me, okay maybe like a very, very big part of me is still stuck in the past. That part of me still refuses to let go of what is over and done with isn't letting the rest of me enjoy my remaining moments with my other friends. Who knows? Maybe fate was right, he and I were just two friends that were never meant to be. Maybe my other friends were my "real friends". Sigh, but it isn't fair. Even if he didn't want to be my friend anymore, at least have a good enough reason to leave. Knowing him, his oversensitiviy and stubborn attitude were probably the two main culprit of my group of friends' fallout. And it's because of his lack of better judgment in selection of friends, he will one day be alone in his two bit apartment wondering if he should've calmed down and talked things out with us. Maybe then he woulnd't be as pathetic and friendless, but oh, too bad because it's too damn late.
I hope you're enjoying your life now with the people who you think are you true friends. And I hope that you'll be able to pull yourself together and bring yourself back up when these "friends" of yours leave you to pursue their more important relationships and other things in life that doesn't involve your presence in because we all got priorities in life, don't we? And it isn't written in stone that you always had to be on top of them. Even though you were pretty much at the top few of mine. It's such a shame you had to abuse your right in mine thought, so hasta la vista baby, I couldn't give two shits about your broken heart when you realize who were there for real and who weren't.
I'm sure I'll be feeling sorry that I had this posted up at around 2 a.m later when I'm wide awake and guilty on my bed, but there's no way I'll be taking this down anytime soon, or saying my sorry's because this needs to be said and heard by the future me as a reminder to never let down my walls to people who deserves nothing less. Also, I will not apologize for being pissed at you. You deserve all the hate that I'm able to muster up.
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