So, I've definitely been feeling better, at least for the past few days of the week. I'm glad that i got past the guilty-and-ashamed phase, but i'm also hoping that i don't fall back and become the same person that i was a month ago. That was a mistake, i am a mistake. Anyways, today's post is about something my friend had casually brought up a few weeks ago at school. I only thought about it now because, well, because a lot of things were going on in my life and yeah, basically, i was really in no place to be thinking of anything else other than how messed-up my life has become. So, my friend, she asked me this simple question while we were in Chem class at the school lab. "Val, is 'hopeless' your favorite word?"
If not mistaken, i was reading a book at that time, so i was caught off guard by her question. I paused, not knowing how to answer her, so i decided to counter-attack her question with one of my own in the end. I asked why, of course, because it really seemed to be the most random question she could ever ask me. That's when she pointed out the fact that my screen name on Twitter is "hopelessly hoping", also, my username is "valizzhopeless". Last but not least, this is kind of like the funny part, i don't know, it managed to humor me lots, so yeah um, at the time she asked the question, i mentioned that i was reading a book, yes? Well, that book is called "Losing Hope" which is the second book in the "Hopeless" series. Not amusing? Okay, fine, yeah maybe it's just amusing to me, but seriously though, my username, the book and my constant need to scribble the word on my wrist and forearm, of course i had to be totally oblivious to my absolute fondness towards the word "hopeless".
Honestly, i really did not notice it. I know i've always been quite the observant eye, but this has managed to slip right past me. I think i've thought about it once or twice, but it never really occurred to me that i had a favorite word and that it would be "hopeless". So, after concluding in my head that the word was indeed of significance to me, i answered my friend's question. Of course, she wondered and asked me why i had settle on such a negative, pessimistic word, but truthfully speaking, there was no better word to describe my entire being than "hopeless" or "hopelessly hoping".
The phrase "hopelessly hoping" was actually derived from the lyrics of a song called 'Still Breathing' by my favorite band, Mayday Parade. The original lyrics are, "I'm hopeless, but hoping." I favored that phrase so much that when i was in need of a new screen name on Twitter, i just decided to use it. I have no regrets whatsoever on that decision because it just, well, it just describes me so well. If we could put our faith into a single word, mine would be "hopelessly hoping" because i truly believed in every single letter of the word. I don't know what's up with me obsessing and making such a big deal out of the word but i just want to express my, um, my love(????) towards the word.
I don't think i need to explain any further on why i like the word because hey, you've already got the obvious answer. If one day i happen to forget about my fondness towards the word, i'll just reread my blog posts and get reminded why. Easy stuff. I actually have the word "hopeless" written with a black Sharpie on my left forearm right now. I'm proud of it and wish it could stay there, on my arm permanently, like a tattoo, but it's not because i'm out to show off that HEY LOOK AT ME I'M SO COOL CAUSE I'VE GOT A TATT SWAG SWAG SWAG, yeah definitely not because i want other people to look at it, but because i want to look at it. I want to look at what my heart and mind are trying so desperately hard to express everyday. It's kind of like those extremely vain people who always have to have a mirror with them all day long so they can check themselves out every now and then, like every 75 seconds. I want the word to be there so i can see myself like how i see my reflection in the mirror, because the word reflects me better than any mirror has ever had. Peace.
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