The Greatest Disappointment

  I've done it this time. I've really done it this time. You know when you're banned from using computer at home and one day while you thought nobody was at home and used it but then your mother popped up out of nowhere and sees you using it? Yeah I'm in that kind of situation, but it's something a lot heavier than just using a computer. I don't wanna go into details because it's too much for me to reminisce about it, but all I've been doing for the past week was think about it. Even if i somehow managed to get it out of my system, it was just temporary.

  It was everywhere. I get into the car, I think about it. I turn on the shower, the images flash through my mind. I lie on my bed, all I could feel was how I felt the moment when everything went wrong. And now, it's worse, because I need to tell her what I've done. I need to tell my grandma. This will be literally, the hardest thing I'll have to do in life. It's not easy because I know the news is going to break her. It's going to break me. She loves me so much and had invested so much time, energy and hopes in me. She wanted me to be the best of what I can be, but I've failed her. I not only failed her, I failed myself. I flunked out on life.

  And that would be the biggest stab to the heart to my grandma. I can't believe how I let my stupidity get the better of me, but it did. I allowed it to and now I'm here suffering the consequences. It would be the understatement of the year to say that I've regretted. I'm sorry I did what I did, but I'm not that sorry I got caught because it was a wakeup call. It was a wakeup call that I needed because without it, I would've sunk deeper and deeper into the hole I've dug for myself. I just wished I didn't have to drag my grandma, or anyone else into my mistake. My failure. I deserved it, but they didn't.

  I haven't broken the news to her yet, and I'm dreading every single moment, thinking about it. I cry almost every time I'm alone because I really don't know how I should be handling this situation. I've lost my way once, I feel like I'm losing it again right now. I try to think about the best possible way that I could tell her, but there is none. Either way, her heart will shatter, her mind will be clouded with sadness and disappointment. And I am to blame. So, every time I think about it, I just break down. There is no easy way out of this one, and I've already taken my fair amount of that route. I'm done for. I'm really, extremely, undeniably, done for.

  I see my grandma every day, every hour and my heart just dies little by little. I don't want to be the person who does this to her, I don't want anybody to have to do this to her. And it just, it just kills me to know that I've made myself become that person. I did. I am to blame. I've been faking smiles and conversations for almost two weeks now, it's like I'm there but I'm not. I talk, I laugh at the right moment and everything just seems normal, like I'm fine, like everything's fine, but I know it's far from that. Every time I laugh, I think of what I've done. Every time I open my mouth to speak, I think about how my mouth will move to the words when I tell my grandma about the things that I've down. Every time I breathe, well, I just wish I could not, then again, that would be taking the easy way out, and as much as I want to do that, I can't. I just can't do it anymore.

  I'm such a disappointment. I've always been a disappointment. I dont know how to not be a disappointment. I just hope that my grandma will be understanding and i don't know, maybe not be on hard on me? I know how much this will hurt her, but she has no idea how much it'll kill me for knowing that I'll be hurting her. Knowing that I'll be the greatest ever disappointment in her life. The greatest disappointment, sigh.