I just realized how serious the situation has gotten. It's no longer a matter of can't, but rather a matter of don't. Don't what? I don't want to live anymore. I can't take being a disappointment to my family and i can't take being in a world that is completely opposed to my very existence. Some might even say an alien would make a better neighbour than i ever will be, but they should know one tiny thing about me. And that is i didn't choose this. I didn't choose to be the weird one of the family, i didn't choose to be born into this world. Unfortunately for me, i wasn't given much of an option. but if i were to be asked a question, "What's your dying wish?", i would answer, "i wish i was never born" in less than a heartbeat. Maybe i wouldn't have answered it this way a few years ago, heck maybe even a few days ago, but things have changed. In a matter of hours, i have found a reason not to take another breath in this cold world i call my home.
Being in my house, being around my family, has become a some sort of respiratory-like problem for me. I feel strangled, suffocated and many times i found myself wanting to just let go of all effort to get oxygen back into my dying lungs because what good is a body without a soul? And that's exactly how i am right now. I roam around house with a blank expression not because i'm not there, but because i wish i wasn't there. I wish i could stop feeling so much so i did. I don't respond as much to anyone anymore because if i did, my walls might break. I will never let them have control over my feelings ever again, not if i can do something about it because right now, i'm succumbing to them, to their meaningless yet so lethal words, and i feel like i'm drowning.
My mind is a blank page right now. I can feel my eyes losing whatever gleam of life they had in them before. Slowly, my body will get in phase with my mind until that day i cease to feel anything anymore. When that they comes, i hope i won't be alive to see it.
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