I've just been called a bitch. And you know what's worse than being called a bitch? It's being called a bitch by your own mother. And you know what's worse than being called a bitch by your own mother? It's being called a bitch by your own mother knowing that she meant what she said. When she first said it, i felt myself drowning in some sort of pathetic pool of anger which i've gathered earlier on from the nagging from my family about how i should really put more pressure into my studies and everything else should just cease to exist in my life for this year. I was angry because they might not know this, but i'm pressured enough as it is. Being told that i've been a disappointment to my mother, to my grandmother, a few years back was enough to leave a wound behind and i never quite got over it. I was never the same after that. Everyday was a constant reminder of what a loser i've become, that i didn't deserve the life that i have before me. I guess that was the beginning of my journey of wilting away.
After being called a bitch, i just couldn't stop the tears from forming behind my already blurring eyes. I'm fully aware of the fact that yes, i'm a bitch, but it's different when you hear those words coming from the woman who has given you your life. I know i should've been used to it by now, hearing insulting comments and harsh words from my mother, but you know, it still hurts every time she says it. If i could stop myself from being so weak, so sensitive towards people's opinion towards me, i would, but this isn't people. This is my mom. My mom who loves me i'm sure, from the deepest part of her heart. My mom who loves food almost as much as she loves her family. My mom who always says things that kills me without knowing it. My mom who would probably hate me when she finds out that i'm much, much more of a disappointment than she ever credited me to be.
Haha, i wish i was all smiles and laughing as i typed this out, but i'm not. With every sentence that forms in my head, a single tear formed from the tearing of my heart drops down on the bed i'm lying on. I tell myself, it's not that bad, words are just words, they don't cause any sort of physical pain. Who said anything about physical pain? My friend said something to me the other day at school, something which i think a lot of us can relate to. "I feel like i'm drowning but everyone around me can breathe." Notice that the persona mentions the word 'feel' because nothing's really happening, she's not drowning in some ocean, and neither are the people around her, but it's just all in her head. Things might not be happening physically, but mentally, you can see it all fall into place. You can see the blade on your wrists as it cuts deeper and deeper. You can see the dagger in your chest as someone pushes it further in, while in reality you're lying in your room, looking up at the ceiling. Either way, the pain is there. You don't see the blood oozing out from your wounds, but that doesn't make the pain more bearable. Not being able to see the exact spot of your wound makes it impossible to detect where the pain is coming from, and by not knowing the source of your pain, how can you fix yourself? How do you fix something that's broken without knowing what's broken?
Or maybe there are too many broken pieces to fix and you just don't know where to start. And even if you managed to fix something, what's the point when there's more to be broken down again? Peace.
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