Alone And Very Much Lonely

  Chinese New Year is almost here and looking at how this festival has so much to do with family and togetherness, wow it's just an iron fist through the heart. Everybody has been asking asking everybody else "hey have you done your CNY shopping yet?" "Oh my mom's taking me this weekend". As for myself, i only wish i could say the same. My friends and their families are out shopping together for nice CNY clothes, some of them are even baking or making those Chinese cookies with their mother while i'm sitting at home waiting for my mom to return home from wherever she is and when she does get back, she showers, eats and heads back out again. During the times when she doesn't head back out, she's watching tv, sleeping or talking about herself. I was hoping that maybe you know, my grandma would ask me to go out with her to do some shopping or whatever, but those words never did come. I waited and waited and waited, until four days before CNY when i realized i'm on my own. Shopping for clothes with them has become a foreign activity so i had to do it myself or not do it at all.

  I went out alone. Walked through shops and shops alone. Tried on clothes alone. Bought clothes alone. Everything i did, i did on my own and i even used my own money. Maybe i shouldn't been feeling this way because i'm becoming an adult and it's time i start doing things on my own, but i can't help it. Everyone has their family thing and i have my laptop and music. As great as that sounds, it's not enough. It will never be enough.

  I had to hear from others that my dad's back again. YAY PAPA'S BACK SO HAPPY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Um no, as much glad as i am to hear that my father's back in town, i'm also on the verge of breaking down because someone else had to tell me that my own father is back. I didn't hear it from him, it's been days but he still hasn't bothered to tell me. I don't know if it's because he feels guilty or awkward or afraid that being back here would bring some sort of negative impact on my brother and i, which it did but it doesn't change the fact that he's here and he obviously doesn't want to let us know that he's here. That shit hurts okay. Being abandoned is one thing, being ignored is another. Right here, right now, I'm being abandoned by my own dad, and ignored by my own mom. How does it feel like to be me? Just great. You'd think my grandma would've been more aware towards my feelings and shit but nope, she's too caught up in hating her daughter-in-law from China to actually care about anything else. I don't think they realize that i actually feel, and i feel a lot, most of the time a little too much. My dad, he understands that i can be sad too but there's something more important to him in life now than his messed up 17-year old daughter. I'm kind of like the little blip that he'll always notice, but would never have a reason to understand it better.

  I'm a blip in everyone's lives, but if they try hard enough, they wouldn't even see me anymore. Sometimes, just sometimes, i wish i wasn't a blip, or anything at all. Sometimes, i wish i wasn't born.