Losing It

  It's getting worse. I'm getting worse. I'm finding it nearly impossible to stay alert in most classes and my finals are coming up. Ten months isn't exactly a short time but in my case in might as well be two days because i can't effing concentrate. I can't pull myself to wanna study or get better or whatever. I was doing some additional mathematics exercises just now and for the whole time, all i was thinking about was how i don't know how to do this and how i'm going to flunk my upcoming add math paper. I cannot afford to flunk any paper this year and there i was sitting in class doing nothing but preparing to flunk the paper. What the hell is wrong with me. It's like i'm getting dumber and dumber by the day. I can't remember anything anymore, i see things but i don't, i can't focus, i can't read, i don't eat as much. The only thing i don't have a problem with is sleeping. Maybe that's the culprit of all these shit happening to me. Maybe i've been sleeping too much.

  I really do try listening in class, but zoning out comes almost immediately and naturally like the waves of an ocean. I feel like i'm a freaking pendulum, swinging in and out in and out in and out. I want to stay in so badly but i can't stop myself. Everything feels unstoppable nowadays. Me zoning out, the unhealthy train of thoughts forming in my head all the time. I want it to stop. I need it to stop. I need me to stop being me for this year or for the rest of my life. I want to become the clear-headed person who doesn't have so much mental shit going on in her mind. I don't even remember what i think about most of the time, but i just remember be not being able to see whatever that's in front of me that i need to see. I can't block out the things that i don't need but i block out things that i'm in dire need of. Sometimes when i try too hard, things get blurry and i don't really see words as comprehensive anymore. I feel overwhelmed and light-headed. I feel dumb and lost and never being able to find a way back. What's happening to me. How do i stop it. How do i stop me.