Me Again

  I've decided to let go of writing as a completely different person. Okay, so maybe we weren't exactly 'completely different'. I might miss thinking in that way again so you never know when i'll go back to my "Dear friend" phase. Oh and i remember the name of the persona of the book/movie. His name's Charlie. Moving on, it is the third week(??) since school began and i haven't done anything remotely productive that could assist me in getting better results for my finals. How the heck am i supposed to be a better student with the attitude and mindset that i still bare in me? I promised myself at the end of last year that i'd try my best to be a different person so i can prove to God and everybody else that i'm more than just some lazy, messed up teenager seeking for attention from neglectful parents. Everyday, no wait, every second of my day, i'm reminded of what i've become. My grandma always criticizing me on my weight, my hair, my studies, my attitude, my mom telling me off about nothing because all she ever talks about is herself and her life and the rest of my family expressing their decomposing faith in me about how i'd perform in my finals.

  It gets tiring listening to them and seeing them think of me as the failure of the family. I know i've got loads more to disappoint them in the near future, but for now, everything that i'm going through has already been a little too much for me to handle. God knows how i'm going the survive the next 30 years of my life. I have all these problems bottled up that i can't tell anyone because there isn't anyone for me to tell, but sooner or later i end up telling you though when i do, i don't feel as horrible as i did then so nothing much actually gets told and the problems are still left unsolved, collecting even more dust from anger, hate and sadness that i've acquired little by little.

  This morning i woke up in peace and it was great getting out of bed without seeing anybody or anything that might cause my mood to take a turn for the worse but the moment i get out of shower, dressed up and walked out of the room, the mental disruptions began. It started off with my grandma. I couldn't blame her though because she's going through a lot too, but it's just very nerve-wrecking to have someone ruin your second-favorite day of the week with bad news especially if you've already had a week of b.s. She continued to wreck my morning with family gossip and even worse family news. As soon as she started talking and thinking about it, she couldn't stop. I tried to talk some sense into her, telling her not to overthink because things might not be as bad as she thought but she just continued and it was just annoying. I was having breakfast and there she was listing out every single problem our family has faced since the beginning of the dino era and all i could think about while she went on and on is how sorry i felt for not being about to tolerate her complaints and her telling me about her problems because the truth was that i wanted so bad to understand, to listen to whatever she has to say because she's my grandmother and i love her, but i just can't. All i hear are screams. And the more she talks, the louder it gets.

  And then afterwards when i went up to my room to try to shut everything out, my kakak walked in and she was all, "Can you clean your desk? Can you organize your books? Do you need this paper? How about this flashdrive?" And i answered no i'm trying to read my book can you please be quiet because i was in fact, trying to read my Biology book but i failed to do so because some family member couldn't stay quiet for five minutes. She was silent for maybe 45 seconds then she started up again. "Val you have to clean your stuff how will you ever find a boyfriend. No husband will ever tolerate your habits and behavior. Guys will avoid you." This is what i have to deal with on a daily basis. You have no idea how many times i wanted to just throw a naked picture of a girl in their face and scream I DON'T EVEN WANT GUYS. Everyday they remind me of how much i'll be needing a man in my life and blabla and I honestly do not give two rat's ass about how much i need a guy in my adult life or how i should prepare myself so people with dicks would find me worthwhile and put a wedding ring up my finger and live happily ever after.

  Screw you and your assumptions and your stupid perspective of life. PEACE.