Dear Friend Again

18 January 2014

Dear friend,

  I am about to tell a story about myself. Nobody knows about yet and that is why I decided to share with you so you become the first person to ever know about this. I am typing in this way again because this a personal story but I would like to not be affected in any way as I form these sentences in my head. Thinking like this make things a little different because it feels like I am telling a story about someone else rather than myself and just maybe I would not feel as sad and disturbed by it. This is a very good way to see and think of things from a different perspective. 

  A short period of time ago I was diagnosed with "Mild Depression". I will not say too much about how I knew about it because it does not matter since I kind of have known all along. I might have seen this coming but I never really thought that something like this would actually become a part of my life. I guess I would not say that I am shocked by it but a while has passed since I received news of my mental state and things feel a little more different now. It feels like I am categorized and I am officially labeled as a mentally disturbed person. I also feel different because I don't cry every time something bad or sad happens to someone I know or in the movies they shown on TV anymore. I still feel a little down at times but not down enough to bring water back into my eyes and sometimes when I stare up towards the white ceiling of my bedroom I don't think of walls crashing or parents screaming anymore. Sometimes I just stare and not really think of anything in particular. 

  But of course there are also the bad days where I go to school and all I can think about is going home or finding a secret corner in school to cry or beat myself up at. I don't like the bad days. I feel like I am a needle in everyone's eyes and every second I spend around people is another second of their lives I wasted and I don't want them to think of me as a person of negativity but honestly I just don't want anybody to think of me. I am like a virus to their mind, spreading an incurable disease and one day they are going to realize what I have done and pin me on the board for being a sorry excuse of a friend. I don't want to be the friend that everybody regrets befriending. I don't want to be remembered as the weak, pathetic, needy little child that breaks down as easy as an old car and this is me over-thinking. According to people over-thinking is bad because we may or may not be making things up in our head and it's these 'things' that make our lives miserable and not worth living.

  I don't know. I just feel different and I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing.

Yours truly,

Valerie.