Busy, Yet Not Really

  I just re-read my very depressing previous post and wow, yeah i was in a really bad place then. I feel like a completely different person right now, but that's how this thing works. 8pm you're feeling dandy, everything's alright. 9.30pm you start thinking, "i don't tell people anything because they don't listen. Why don't they listen?" 9.45pm, your thoughts evolve into something like, "i hate this, why am i like this, why was i born, i don't want my life, i don't want someone like me living my life." Then, you have some sort of mental breakdown where nothing feels okay because you realize that you're never getting back up from whatever hole you've dug yourself into. This usually lasts for a couple of hours, if it happens at night, which it usually does, you'll fall asleep thinking about it and wake up the next morning feeling either better or worse, much, much worse. If the breakdown takes place in the afternoon, chances of you feeling better would be at the lowest because you don't get to sleep and sleep helps to get rid off some of the pain, unless you cry so much, your eyes get so tired and you just lose consciousness. Yeah, stuff like that happens too.

  So now, i'm feeling better. Nothing looks like it's about to fall and crush my skull. I'm kind of just tired as it's been a very busy day, with school activities, movie with friends and grandad's death anniversary. When life gets busy, you find yourself thinking less and lesser about your problems outside of school. Of course, you stress about them too, but just not as much. Okay so i typed the previous two paragraphs last Saturday and i'm only continuing this now. It felt incomplete last week so i didn't see the need to post it up just yet. Nothing much happened this week. I still feel kind of the same, a little numb-er that i'd prefer it to be, but at least i'm not as miserable. I like to think that when i'm not feeling miserable, then i'm somewhere near to the edge of that feeling known as 'joy'. I don't have to feel at the top of the world to be happy, honestly. Just as long as i'm no where near suicidal or depressed, then i guess i'm totally contempt with that being my version of 'happy'. So yeah, i've been in a better place this week. The only annoying thing right now is the fact that my first term exam is coming up and let's just say i'm as prepared as a caveman in a nuclear war. That, and how my laptop is being a complete piece of poop to me. It's moving so slow, i could have discovered a new species of llama before i could successfully transfer a file of 200mb from my picture library into my empty CD. Just, oh my god. I can't do anything on the damn thing and it's not like i'm in the position to ask for a new laptop, but it's really running low on space. I can't dump any of my stuff anywhere because i have no empty space to dump them into. No free flashdrive, no empty DVDs lying around. There are like a shit ton of things i've been dying to download from the net but i can't BECAUSE MY LAPTOP IS A FUCKING OBESE WHO'S GOT DIABETES AND IS DYING. This is really getting on my last nerve. Ugh.