Her

I love her. I can't describe it, I can't tell another person how my heart feels about her, I can't even begin to explain it to myself. When I think of her, it isn't a train of collected thoughts, running systematically on its track, but a whir-pool of thoughts, swirling and swirling and never stopping. They go round and round, circling my head every minute, every second  where I am both awake and not. And it feels like with each of its secondly round, a new thought about her would be gained. A new feeling. A fresh take on what she means to me. And just like that, I've started collecting the number of ways she made my heart beat, the number of ways she made me not want to look away, the number of ways she made me appreciate all that I have and all that I might have if she just stayed with me. If I were into scrapbooks, I would've filled at least 30 by now, with every page a detailed display of my every thought of her, every memory of her she had so delicately and artistically carved into whichever part of my brain that made it able for me to know my name, age, race, religion...all the important things, all the core subjects of my life. But details like age, race and address, although they make up who I am, they do not make up what and how I am. There is no cause-and-effect by them. They are merely labels, identifications that were handled down to me since the moment I was born. They had no say in how I turned out to be the person I am. But, her.

She.

Although I can't say that she's been with me since it all started, I can however, say that she's more core than any of those core information and facts about myself. Why is she, if not one of the main core information, then the actual, C-O-R-E information about me? I don't know. I don't know. All I know is that I'm everything made up of her. At least, that's how I feel like. I feel like, my body is not wholly my own, but a vessel that was meant for a complete soul to fill, which I am not. I am an incomplete soul. And her. I feel like, she's my soul. Like, my soul is hers and hers mine and together, we make up what was supposed to be my body, mind and soul. I don't know and I don't think I'll ever know if she feels or have ever felt this way about me, but I do know. I know with all my being that this is how I feel about her and about myself, and whether this is a right or wrong feeling, I frankly could not contribute enough cares to. Even if this turns out to be my own made-up world, a fantasy that refuses to mature and fade away, a dream that I thought I was living when I had been sleeping all along, I'm glad. I'm glad that all this happened.

I'm glad she happened.

I rarely talk about her in words that are not used on superficial descriptions of her and this is not because I do not like talking about her, or that she has nothing else worthy to be talked about. No, I rarely talk about her because I never know where to start. To me, there is a beginning with her. There is a beginning which stretches on and on and on and never seem to have an end to. Maybe because I don't want an end. Maybe because that's how I want it to play out between her and I, just a long road ahead. A never-ending, beautiful, happy stretch of road for us to trek on, where there is no fatigue, no out-of-breath moments due to not being able to catch up with the other but many out-of-breath moments from passionate kisses, laughter that could not be held back and from holding each other so tightly that even without air in our chest, we know that it's still going to be alright, that we're still going to be alright.

I just want us to be alright.

A Little Longer

when i'm not loving you
i'm loving the idea of death
your hand that grazes across my chin
pushes me to take my next breath

i won't close my eyes
but even if i did i'd never lose sight of you
i just want to see you a little longer

come close, don't you worry
you won't lose me if that's what you're afraid of
sweetheart, hold on to me
you're the only thing that keeps me together and whole
i will cry a sea of salty waves
i will build a volcano straight out of rage
till i can come home to you

have you seen a shooting star
well i have and i've wished
i hoped to god for it to come true
i kept saying in my prayers, please, please, please

then came a library day
dressed in black and white, hiding a shy smile
you looked right at me and all i know is
i just want to see you a little longer

come close, don't you worry
you won't lose me if that's what you're afraid of
sweetheart, hold on to me
you're the only thing that keeps me together and whole
i will cry a sea of salty waves
i will build a volcano straight out of rage
till i can come home to you

it takes a lot, i know
for someone who can't love to love
it takes even more, i'm sure
for someone to love someone who can't be loved
well i love you
and you do too
and this will help us make it through

Casual Apologies

You know, it really fucking hurts when the someone you wrote a song for doesn't seem very fazed with the fact that there is a song not only dedicated to them, but a song written in their name, written solely for them. I guess i wish my efforts were shown more appreciation than given. God, i feel and probably sound like a five year old trying to get mommy's acknowledgement and cherry compliments. Anyway, i wrote this song in like, a night but it didn't come out that bad so i'm glad. Maybe because i was really motivated by my apologetic nature concerning the people i love and wanted to redeem myself but i doubt that this piece i wrote played a hand in any process of redemption. Oh, bloody daggers in my heart.  I was really sorry when i wrote this. Very sorry, very afraid and so very in love.

My pulse is racing at a foreign speed
As you link your arm with mine
The way your lips press against my cheeks
I'm hoping my heart will survive the night

When tomorrow comes, I'll make a new wish
It won't be music CDs this time 
Cause now I know that I am certain
You are all I'll ever need in life 

But let me first apologize in advance
For the things I might do
And for the things I have done

I'm sorry for the words I speak
I know they always hurt
I can't ever take back the silly things
But you can take all of me
You can take everything

My eyes are open but I only see darkness
Will you come and save me, my dear?
Bring along a shotgun and an army of candles
Your love will shatter my darkest fears

But the one thing that has scared me the most
Is the thought of an open door
And I ask you sweetheart, will you please come back
But your head is shaking, your eyes on the floor

So let me first apologize in advance
For the things I might do
And for the things I have done
Cause I'll never live through a day without you here

I'm sorry for the words I speak
I know they always hurt
I can't ever take back the silly things
But you can take all of me
You can take everything

And you do, you have everything
That I could give
That I could be
I hope there's a pretty little smile
On that very pretty face tonight
I still I gotta say 

I'm sorry for the words I speak
I know they always hurt
I can't ever take back the silly things
Well, you've taken all of me
You've taken everything
You're in my every heartbeat
You're in my every daydream

Hold

i feel in my bones

the fear of losing you and losing touch

with everything i know

with everything i love

is there a point if i'm without my heart?

ghost of memories

that have not happened and would not happen

haunt me like i deserved it

hunt me like a prey on the run

is this me after making a wrong turn?

has it been a waste of time

pouring my soul out to where i thought it belonged

has it been a waste of breath

every moment spent inches away from you

well i can't stop now, i can't stop now

you're all i want, but i just can't

i can't get a hold, can't get a hold on me

fire can't kill me

but the vacancy in this place will

i try to picture it all

i try to cover my fall

is there a point if i won't get up again?

i say hey sweetheart

it's been fifty hours since we're apart

i know this isn't the longest

i know this isn't the same

is this me after losing my heart?

has it been a waste of time

pouring my soul out to where i thought it belonged

has it been a waste of breath

every moment spent inches away from you

well i can't stop now, i can't stop now

you're all i want, but i just can't

i can't get a hold, can't get a hold on me

has it been a waste of time

pouring my soul out to where i thought it belonged

has it been a waste of breath

every moment spent inches away from you

well i can't stop now, i can't stop now

you're all i want, but i just can't

i can't get a hold, can't get a hold on you

Green Tea Aunt

don't want to write you lullabies

i want to be there when you close your eyes

watch the waves pull you back

and drown the sorrows from your mind

i want to feel your steady breaths

slowly sinking into my skin

got you so close that i feel it all

with this, who needs a tomorrow?

my backseat's full of all my troubles

yet you, still make me think

if i could someday make it through

this endless unlit tunnel

call me a fool for believing in

this song i swear we've been singing

to keep track of the note we're on

till this is gone

I Demand for a Full Version

    I realized i have left my blog untouched for far too long and it isn't because updating has never crossed my mind, because it has, i just don't know what to say anymore. Words have escaped my mind and i know that by writing, not only would i be reminded of my incapability to have a stronger grip on my language, but my talent to be untalented would come crashing down my walls too. Like right now, i don't even know what i'm trying to write or say here. All my words are jumbled up even though my thoughts know exactly where they want to go, i think i may have lost a part of me again. The part of me which allowed me to express myself, the part of me that made the bad part of me less bad, but it's gone now. And in its place, lies this new key piece of my life, a part i never actually saw coming, not so soon at least. I hate to think that it's because of this new addition that i've lost my method of output because i used to remember how much better i would feel after a blog update, after i pour my heart out into words that made everything make more sense, how much i loved writing. How much i loved expressing myself. But whenever i come on, all i get instead of peace and serenity, is frustration. I'm deeply frustrated because i can't seem to find the right words to use, can't seem to remember if this sentence structure is correct, can't seem to piece my thoughts and ideas into words of coherence and nothing frustrates me more than this. I live to express myself and now, this happens. Joy to the world. I may have gotten my life back on track, but in return, i've lost something that i've used as a coping mechanism, as a life-saver. Why does opportunity cost have to exist? Haven't i sacrificed, given in enough already?

    Anyway, i'm just going to fill you in real quick with my life update because i think you deserve it, old blog. Life update so far:

1) My grades are alright.

2) The good student in me has returned.

3) My academic life is stable.

4) I don't hate my life as much anymore.

5) I don't wanna die as much anymore.

6) I'm happy most of the time.

7) I have a girlfriend.

8) 7 is the reason 4-6 exist.

9) 7 is kind of the reason why i want to continue existing.

10) I'm in love with my girlfriend.

    I want to tell you so much about this girl, this amazing, amazing girl but i don't think now's the right time, given my lack of access to the full version of my brain/the vocab side of my brain. Unfortunately, what i've got in my hands right now is the lame, pathetic trial version. I NEED MY ENGLISH VOCAB BACK!! So i can tell the world how this one person changed me. How this one person changed my life. So i can attempt to explain my feelings towards this beautiful creature and what she means to me. But here's a song i wrote about her back when i had more access to the sensitive, poetic and depth-y side of me. I really miss that side of me.

It's Been Approximately 1095 Days

I've been a full-time college student for a month now and plenty has happened. I'm starting to understand how things are and how they'll be now, and i'm still unsure whether i should love it or hate it. To sum it all up from the academic perspective of things, there are a shit ton of group assignments. If it were like solo projects, there wouldn't be much fuss about it from me but group assignments are like a cactus in the eye. I hate it. Mostly because more people in a group means more things for all of us to do, especially the leader, which i am, not that i like it because i feel like i'm about to mess things up big time since i'm not exactly in the best condition to lead anything that will have a critical effect on grades. But the fuel to my dislike towards group assignment is also because of the people i have to force myself to work with, especially stupid, lazy, incompetent people. I get it, i used to and still bat for the sloth team too but this is a little too much, and it's not like they're at home picking up the pieces either. They're just idiotic and wasteful and unappreciative of what they have. Stupid bunch of people.

Okay, moving on to the gossip-y section of the update. There might be a possible rise of conflict in my group of course-mates. A conflict of interest. Or a conflict due to similar interest. Basically, there are two guys in my group and a girl whom i myself found to be a lot less than attractive but apparently not to the opposite sex whom they both might be falling for. One won't stop talking about her, the other won't stop text-ing her and doing all those things people do when they're trying to court somebody. It's kind of annoying actually, to hear the same dude yapping about the same pointless thing every single day and every single time the girl is within field of vision. Like seriously, just stop. If you insist on carrying on, at least add some new words into your vocabulary. "Pretty" and "attractive" can get sort of stale after being used around a hundred times in the past 24 hours. So, there's that. And then, there's me. And my other bisexual friend.

As you and i know, i haven't been myself for the past 3 years or so due to my unforeseen mental instability although honestly, the me-now feels like the real me instead of the happy-go-lucky 13 year old me. And ever since i've taken a hit of depression, having affectionate feelings for someone not in my circle of friends is about a quarter of a feet away from improbability. I just haven't been, am not capable of feeling something that happy, that uplifting. I can't bring myself to like someone so much i forget about how much they're going to dislike me as soon as they get to know the actual me. No, my thoughts are there for a reason. These thoughts that feel like they're here to stay are still here because of one thing and one thing only- i'm not ready. I'm not quite over it yet. And before i get over the shadow that has the right pieces of me hidden from the world, i can't help someone else hold a torch. I can't light up someone else's darkness. Not just yet.

But it happened. The rapid, unsteady beating of my heart. The confusion that came after because what the fuck just happened. The air that doesn't seem to go in deep enough to reach my lungs. The face that wouldn't leave my closed eyes. The smile that wouldn't let the clouds return. I felt it, i saw it. I felt it all and saw it all. Why did it happen? Why now? Because apart from the smiles we shared with one another, twice, as she walked past my table at the library and i just happened to look up, we've never had any other social contact. We've never talked. All we've been doing is acknowledging each other's presence. And all i've been doing is staring and wondering and admiring. And hating myself.

I told someone about it. Although i didn't say it on a serious note and didn't mean much of anything when i said it, i told a friend whom i thought would laugh with me and agree with me on things that i find a little troubling to bring up with others about it. I said, "dude, she smiled back. she smiled back. and her smile. it's pretty. she's pretty" and then i lost every chance that i could've had and even the ones that i wasn't supposed to have. In a blink of an eye, while i was busy trying not to stare, trying not to fidget, trying not to breathe like a hyperventilating child, she began to acknowledge someone else's presence and existence. And i stood there, dumbfounded. Angry. Sad. Numb. 

I no longer have the drive to talk about this. I no longer have the strength to think about this.

Save Me But Don't

I gave up hope as it gave up on me
Quitters never win but i'm just trying to stay clean
It's been a long morning and i can feel my hand itch
I can feel the skies crashing down, is this in my head?
If my head's the problem, i think i'm better of dead

Kill me
I want you to save me
Save me
I want you to kill me

I stay up late to see myself becoming something else
I'm scaring myself, i don't have anyone else
I can say all i want but what do i get?
I can scream all i want but what does it do?
Every memory still cuts through and through
Every empty photo frame still reminds me of you

Kill me
I want you to save me
Save me
I want you to kill me

My shoulders are being dragged down
I no longer want to be found
By people i call friends in hopes that they would try to help mend
What they put there themselves along with my family's help
How can i get myself to escape this hell?

Innovation And Change

I am physically and mentally drained. College isn't a distraction, all it does is weigh me down even more. It's hard enough to reach so deep into myself to tug on that single strain of motivation i have left to do my homework and to study, and now i'm forced to deal with the damages that come along with judgmental, narrow-minded lecturers like the one that teaches me Innovation&Change at school. I find it bloody ironic how someone with the depth of understanding as shallow as baby pools would be teaching college students on innovation and change. Let's not kid ourselves, the lady has problems coming to terms with the world's coming-of-age, how in God's name will she be able to teach us a subject on embracing what was seen as a taboo back when the world was in a much darker and ignorant place? All she ever does in class is complain about the lack of parking space at school or promote Christianity because everything wrong in the new world is due to its lack of belief in God and God's teachings. I signed up for Innovation&Change and not bible study. There's a flipping thick line between school and Sunday school and my lecturer needs to see it. She needs to see it and understand it, before she gets hit by a brick in the chest. By me.

Now, i usually have a considerately high respect towards teachers because i acknowledge the challenges of being an educator but this particular lecturer i find no patience or understanding for. Even my econs lecturer, who can be a complete inconsiderate bitch at times, has my respect because she doesn't cross the line between a student's life and a student's school life. She doesn't judge you based on the way you dress, or your possible-gender-preference, she just does what she's being paid to do because that's her only responsibility, to ensure that we as students don't flunk out on whatever that she's teaching and not who we should date or how we should portray ourselves. This is where my I&C lecturer lost all my student-teacher respect towards her. It's not like i go to class looking like i want to get laid or have tattoos all over my body and face or stink with so much cigarette smoke i could choke the entire class, not that it's bad to be like that because what we do with our body is our choice and it doesn't concern or affect anyone else but ourselves. And fuck her because even if i did have all that, you can't classify me as a fuck-up just because i look like a fuck-up. You can't look like a fuck-up, you can only act like a fuck-up. I don't get why that's a concept she just can't grasp on.

And what does my sexual orientation have anything to do with my grades? Unless it's not my grades she's worried about but oh wait, that's not right because it's a teacher's only responsibility to care about a student's grade more than anything else. I mean sure, they can get involved with other shit like a student's mental health or whatever that might bring harm to student and also maybe the society but hello, my sexual orientation isn't bringing you or the society harm is it? The only harm any homosexual, bisexual, transgender get are from people like her. The ones who wouldn't try to see the world from our eyes, who wouldn't try to understand that a gay me and a non-gay me would act exactly the same because that's who i am. I can't change who i am, i can only change how people see me because if i did, i'd be lying to myself, i'd be spending my whole life pretending to be someone else. Why should i die as someone else? Why shouldn't i die as myself? I don't get it. When my lecturer said, "we have to be different. we have to be our very own self" i wanted to drink from my bottle, laugh and spill all that water from the inside of my mouth into her face because she just told the entire class while she stared very obviously at me how its "wrong to be bisexual. it's wrong to cross-dress. it's wrong to want to be a girl when you're born a boy. it's weird. you shouldn't try any of it."

I'm sorry, try? TRY? Bitch, the only thing i was trying to do was holding myself back from throwing you off the ninth floor of the building. We aren't trying to be or trying to do anything. We aren't TRYING. We're just being what we're made to be. We're just feeling what we're made to feel. Love. Is that so wrong? Just because your version of love is more popular among the human race doesn't make our version of love any less beautiful, any less real. We're not disgusting. We're not wrong. There is no right or wrong. If there is, there's none you have the right to make. I'm so sick of hearing this. I'm so sick of explaining this in my head. I'm tired.

Sometimes I Can't Breathe

I've always seen the word "anxiety" getting thrown around on social medias and as much as i understood the definition of the word and what it brings into people's lives, i never really thought that it'd one day tap on my  vacant shoulder(the other occupied by depression since a while ago) and demand to tag along for the ride. I've long come to terms with the depressive side of me and i like to think that there's a certain line of peace drawn between me and the melancholic me, but never once have i thought about other mental disorders that haunt the rest of the human race because i've always been so sure that this is it, this is all God would have me carry on my weak, still-underage back, but obviously life just loves to prove me wrong.

My depression isn't going away, not for a long time i'm sure, but i'm learning to be fine with that. All of us have our own tormentors. Those who disagree are either too headstrong to admit their crippling fears, or still haven't come face to face with their demons that had always been disguised as something else. If they're lucky, their demons come one and alone, making the one-on-one battle somewhat fair but if they're not, they may come in two's, a herd even, and where's the fairness in that? To be honest, i don't have the slightest clue on what i'm trying to say or why i'm trying to say what i'm trying to say. I just really wanted to say that i might have anxiety. Not social anxiety or phobic anxiety. It's more general anxiety than anything else. 

Sometimes, i just can't breathe. Every breath comes short and they never feel like they're enough, like my lungs have so much space in them but the air going in doesn't even fill up a quarter of the space. And every part of my body feels like they're burning and it only gets hotter and hotter. My sweaty and sometimes clammy palms and feet get even sweatier and clammier but whatever i do, as much as i wipe my palms on my shirt, my pants, the dampness never seems to leave. My chest feels like a concert hall with a metal band playing but only the drums and bass are making sounds. I feel the beat getting faster with every second that passes until i reach the point where the feeling inside my chest stops mirroring the beating of drums or rapid strums on a bass guitar, instead it begins to resemble a riot happening in a tiny and cramped prison cell, with every single one of the inmates banging against every part of the four walls trying to break their way through. My head feels as light as a feather and everything captured by my two eyes start to swirl but in a way that still allows me to see everything as it is but i just no longer know what they are or where i am or how am i still here. It feels like everything's where they should be and i'm the only one who's getting swirled around. I'm always feeling like i'm swirling around.

Before today, i've always thought of all this as normal. I thought if not everyone then most people felt this sudden nervousness in the middle of day while they sat in class completing their work or at night as they lie in bed reading a novel by their favorite author. I thought semi-constant giddiness was common among young adults, i thought it was all part of the puberty or post-puberty process. Every time my chest gets tight and my head gets light, i thought it was excitement that i was feeling. It wasn't until i kept asking myself, "excited yes, but what about?" and realizing that i never had an answer, not even once, that i concluded that there was in fact, nothing normal about this.

I used to think that i had most of it figured out. My flaws, my issues, my demons. Like, although i'm not sure where my life is headed, at least i'm sure of what i am. At least, i had some part of my life figured out. And then this happened. I can't say that this came out of nowhere because it didn't. I've had feelings like these since years before. Now that i've been thinking real hard about it, i'm quite certain that this surfaced about the same time as my depression did and like my depression, i didn't know it was depression until i got myself extremely involved with more open-minded social networks like Tumblr and Twitter instead of Facebook which everybody i know was active on. They explained to me what no parent, schoolmate or friend could ever explain. They gave me answers to questions i didn't even know i had. They were the first to bring light into my dark life and it was only because of that light, i realized that my life had been dark all long. Without it, without that light, i'd never have known how dark my path was, how blind my steps were.

Some would say if i hadn't known i was sad, i wouldn't have centered my world around it and spent so much time tormenting myself about why i was sad or how i need to get myself to be not-sad because you only fix what's broken and if it's not, you wouldn't have to waste any time and energy on it. That's what they thought, that my self-discovery was seen as a mistake. Imagine, i would imagine them saying, imagine the things you could've done if you weren't so busy trying to fix something you didn't even know was broken in the first place, you've come this far without falling, i'm sure another decade or so of  obliviousness wouldn't mean all that much.

I don't care if they think that i've wasted my time. I don't care if they think i'd be better off in the dark. Right now, i'm glad i'm out of the dark. I'm glad i'm out of the dark although still chained from the neck down trying to break free from the darkness. My darkness. Discovering another side of me today has been a morbid experience but again, i'm grateful that it happened because now i know i'm another step closer to figuring myself out. You can't fix what you didn't know was broken, but you can when you do. As i try to fix the sad part of me, i'll now also try to fix the anxious part of me. 

Roots

I fall down, i get up, i get up to fall down

Tell me where i can find my long-awaited breaking point

Which is the final blow and when's the screening for the last show?

I'm convinced i must have been born pretty damn hollow in the head

But i do know of the few things that went extremely wrong on that bed

It was supposed to happen as much as my very own existence

Unprepared to face the fate that came too fast when they walked too slow

In the garden of maturity, they couldn't stop to fulfill the needs

Of an infant as they stood in front of all their peers, taking another swig at their beer

Not again, same old track, same old storybook with the same cracks

I don't know where to start, but i know where it will end

So, i pray to god every day and every night to ease the pain

When they're gone and i'm on my way

I know this heat is here to stay

I'm not my own mistake, i see no blame that i should take

But for the one which i made when i first started to hesitate

I contemplate to walk away from this sorry life they made

Out of something that wasn't love which they confused with the young adults' curse

What a curse, oh what a curse, as it still lives on after 17 years

I can't say that i understand cause for me to do that i've got to take

All their blame and all their shame, like it was all me in the first place

There won't be a single sound as i go down burning in flames

Because nope, there's no way in hell i'll ever try becoming the adult

I'll learn when it's my turn but it's not my turn cause their time is now

And now's the time to keep their vows, to keep things right and from going foul

Not again, same old house, same old morons with the same spouse

You don't know where to start, but you know where it will end

So, you pray to god every day and every night to ease the pain

When they're gone and you're on you're way

You know this heat is here to stay

Free Time For Now

It'll be Thursday tomorrow and i don't have any assignments from school just yet so i have more time on my hands than i ever did, even back when i was caught in the web of the government schooling system. I get off school early on certain days and impossibly late on the rests. I've been contemplating if i should use the remaining hours on the early days to stay back in the school library and be productive. I have one hell of a game face on and i'm quite adamant on turning on a new leaf. I'll be studying for myself and no one else from now on so i better get my ducks in order. As i was saying, since i've got tons of free time this week, what with my morning class tomorrow meaning getting cancelled therefore allowing me to go a little over my bedtime tonight, i'll be on here updating more often although i'm not so sure about what.

Maybe i'll talk about how much effort one has to put into getting the simpler things done in university like getting your lecture and tutorial materials printed or refilling your water bottle or just getting your questions answered because it really does make the system they use in high school sound like sloth paradise when the two level of education get compared. Printing stuff in the uni makes me want to gauge my eyeballs out and eat them because the process not only confuses the crap out of me, it also makes me waste a shit ton of time as if waiting for the lift to bring me up to the 9th floor doesn't already. I literally have to be at school half an hour before classes actually start because it's 15 minutes from the ground floor to the floor you're headed to and another 15 if you get a sudden urge to pee or shit or realize that you missed out a page in your printing materials and make a life-or-death run to the nearest functioning printing machine. And the fact that you have to pay for your own materials is just...WHYYY I'M ALREADY FLIPPING BROKE AND NOW I GOTTA PAY TO DO HOMEWORK AND REVISION TOO??? LIFE IS SO BLOODY CRUEL.

Yeah, yeah. Welcome to the real and adult world, Val. I get it, it's not as easy as i thought it would be but whatever, i'll learn to cope and get through it. It ain't exactly rocket science. There are two units which i'm currently taking, "Academic and Communication Skills" and "Innovation and Change" which i've deemed completely useless units that are only there to have our money wasted on. They're both a really pathetic excuse for the uni to scoop in more money, honestly. Okay, so maybe they aren't all that useless but it really wasn't necessary to have all of us foundation students take them as compulsory units because let's face it, some of us are already downright familiar with ways to deal with people, or how to lead a group or an organization.

I'm tired now and wish to proceed to doing something else other than updating my dumb online journal. Maybe i'll go finish up the fanfiction update that i was supposed to put up about a month ago but couldn't find a right way to end it.

College Bitch

  So, Orientation happened. Not sure if i've already talked about it, but even if i hadn't i'm too tired and too lazy to actually reminisce and spill everything out. I've already told most of them to my FIRL(friends in real life), so yeah, no point in repeating myself. Anyway, first day of college was yesterday and it went by in quite a blur. Economics was my first class and boy, was it a big class. I didn't think i'd have anyone to sit or hang with that day, but luckily i bumped into Nelson and Ronald while waiting for the previous class to clear. Turns out, Nelson and I are going to class buddies for the rest of the semester so everywhere i go, he'd be there, right by my side. Talk about coincidences, huh? I'm sort of glad though and thankful because he's a really nice and easy going guy which came to me as a surprise because i couldn't quite get whatever he was always trying to say to me back in high school. But now that we've been together for two full days, i'm beginning to understand him better and i think he's going to be a great classmate. He definitely is good company so, thank you God, i owe you one.

  First day of school didn't feel as nice as the second one and maybe it's because we had two subs today instead of the usual three on Mondays and god-knows what other days. As you can see, i haven't quite gotten the lay of my schedule yet, but it'll come to me in due time. Nelson and i hung with Valerie Sim and this new girl called Jennifer on the first day. We went to class together, had lunch together and although they're nice and friendly people, they're not exactly the best people to sit next to during class hours. They never pay attention and talk too damn much. It's not that i like listening in class or shutting up(i do like keeping to myself at times), but this is college and flunking college isn't something i'm out to give a try in. Yep, that shit's definitely not on my bucket list. So, i'll be giving in my all to not fall asleep in class or write or daydream about things that has never happened and will never happen in my life. I'll do my best to get Nelson in my good student loop too. We both absolutely do not need the bad grades.

  Second day was a better day in my opinion because 1)i didn't have to deal big shitty classes. 2)i had more than enough time for lunch. 3)i ate with people who could speak in English without sounding like they can't. 4)i realized that Nelson is a nice guy. 5)i met with my best friend today. So yes, it was sort of a great day. The only bad part was when i came across a math problem which proved itself to be a problem. I honestly like math, but only when i'm able to get the right answer. Or an answer at least. I hate getting stuck because when i do i usually cry and then give up. The math tutorials were fine because my lecturer was pretty chill and i could get a solution immediately if i ask about my problem but when i had to do it on my own outside of class, i realize how incompetent my math skills are and i want to dig my eyes out or stab a pen through my brain(if that's even possible). It's the most annoying thing ever, to not know the solution to a math problem even if it's something you've seen countless times before or have even solved it once or twice in the past.

  Oh, i'd like to tell you about this one guy i befriended through Suan. If you were to judge this guy solely from the vibes you get off of him as he waltzes around the school auditorium, it'd be that he's a show-off, an asshole and someone who thinks of himself as "the bomb". Emir stroke me as someone who strongly deserved a punch in the vagina(if he had one) as soon as he made this exclamation during a game of hopping-in-the-potato-sack. It was around the time when he yelled first one to fall is a whore! that i realized how much of an insolent dickhead he probably was and wanted to beat the crap out of the stupid smug smile he had on his face. Of course, it wouldn't have been a stupid smug smile if he was a little nicer or at least had a filter in his head, which he doesn't because half the things he says that apparently are supposed to come off as "humorous" are offensive to several types/classes of people in the society. He has the most unnecessary comebacks and add ons. In short, he really isn't someone you'd like to be stuck alone on an island with. If the heat doesn't get to you, his ignorance and stupidity will.

  In the midst of defending those who have been rudely and wrongly accused of all-things-bad by horribly opinionated jerk-faced rave dude, i've managed to make a new friend who unfortunately was well-acquainted with asshole number 1. Although i don't know her all that well, she doesn't seem like she's stupid(in a moral sense) or has a mouth as bad as Emir's. She can be quite...a handful at times, but overall, she doesn't seem all that bad a company. She speaks both English and Mandarin but i doubt that she's all that into English movies or books and if she is, it'd be what every other teen in the world is reading or watching. How bitchy and judgmental of me to say so, but this is my online journal and only i read what i write and this is how i like things to be kept as long as i'm still doomed to walk this earth with my short and fragile chicken legs. Anyway, i'm not sure how her name is spelled so i'll just leave that part out for now. I'll get back to you when i get confirmation on her other info, e.g; personality, likes/dislikes, intellectual level, etc. Important stuff to know when making friends in college because everything you say or think about saying have to go through a quick but thorough process of filtering before letting them fly. So, it's best to know what to talk about and which topics to stay away from. I want to make enemies as much as i want to take intro math for a semester.

  So far, this is how it is for me as an official college student. My current standing point:
1. I have classmates and schoolmates i can casually converse with.
2. I have identified the bitches i'll be killing in my head for the rest of my semester.
3. I have also identified my probable school clique(although not all of them are likable).
4. I have topped up my account for the college printing services.
5. I have yet to register as a library member but will do so first thing in the morning.
6. There are still realms of the unknown i have yet to venture into and i'm not keen on doing so due to natural human fear of the unknown.
7. I wish my friends were there with me.
8. I miss my friends a lot.

  I know that i and every one of my friends know that i care a lot. A little too much most of the time, but it's not something that can be helped. I care about them and i care about me with them. I worry about our friendship, their future, my future, out future together...all sorts of things i really shouldn't be thinking about in the middle of a lecture or while trying to sleep at 1 in the a.m. I just, really like my friends. I like them a lot and i hope that only good things are set in their paths. I just wish they were here with me. College is honestly a lot of fun and i just can't help but wonder how much more fun it would've been if it was them i was genuinely laughing or having sensible conversations with instead of this bunch of new people whom i don't see as homie material. Yet. Haha. I still got my hopes up high and my head down low. Maybe i'm too quick to judge. Well, i sincerely hope that i'm wrong about my new schoolmates. Who knows if the cover i'm seeing now is all but a cover? Maybe their true self is hidden in there somewhere, just like mine. And all i have to do now is find it, find them. Maybe not all of them are as bad as i think of them to be. Eyes closed, fingers crossed.

IHDK(I Honestly Don't Know)

I try counting the times

When i was happy but sad and sad but happy

I keep losing track like i lose my mind

Although sometimes i feel just fine but sometimes isn't all times

And it gnaws at me, how temporary is the only thing that's meant to be

Everything changes and everyone leaves

You hope for a break but the world won't freeze

Not for you or me, because that's just it

God doesn't want to be thought of as eccentric

Yet He really is, he plots and he plans in every frame

While we're figuring out someone to blame

He sits and he waits for us to feel the pain

Of finally getting it

Seeing is believing, so here's the thing

Flashes of images you try to blink away

Is evidence of how much you have to pay

For the crime you did and for the time you didn't

Turn the other way from temptation cause weak is weak

You know what you are and you know what you'll always be

All He wants now is for you to just come clean

Chameleon

I was feeling a few somethings tonight although truth be told, it has been bugging me since early this afternoon. I wrote this as...poetry, i guess? And then it became a rap in my head. I'm not sure if this is all there is.

Tell me honestly
Would you have liked me more if i were him
Or her, or they, would you still complain
About our clash of personality because truthfully
Can't say i'm sure this is really me
I see what i see then i copy
Their mind and tongue, it's not a blast
But who ever said that it would be fun?
But is this it? Am i finally done?
Can i lose the act and let the real deal come?
But which is fiction and which is not?
I can't tell anymore and it's all my fault

Originality
Did it lose its way in this insanity
This insanity that grants me peace
But only when i play the keys
To the right song, at the right time
Well at times my hands can feel so tight
Like it's handcuffed, fingers numb as fuck
And the only blood that i feel flowing
Is from the hole in my chest which you put there, see?

Shape-shifts used to be a makeshift coping device
Lately it's just confusing like, which skin am i even using?
I lost me in myself, i'm stuck like super glue in this cell
But is this prison really mine
Or is it someone else's version of hell

Pre-U Orientation

What happens to me a day before college unofficially starts? I get sick. Technically, i got sick about two days ago but point is, i'm still sick and i've got to be up by 7.30 tomorrow for orientation at 8.30 at my new school, the university i'd be spending the next four years or so attending. Where's good luck when i need it? Oh right, i've already used it all up. Well, fuck me. Not only did the barber mess up(kind of) my cut, i managed to get a fever, flu and a sore throat over the course of two days. I bet it's everybody's dream to attend their first day of college where they're forced to smile at foreign faces and make new friends who hopefully won't stab you in the back while coughing their lungs out and giving the new class of 2020 an unknown respiratory disease.

I hope i don't sneeze into anyone's face or accidentally cough into someone's lunch tomorrow. I hope i don't sound like batman either when i say my hello, i'm Val, short for Valerie. Lastly, I hope my hair doesn't abruptly decide that it's a good day tomorrow to look like wild, dehydrated, uncut grass. Sigh, will God hear my empty prayers? Or will He laugh this off again? Jesus, i don't want to be branded as the sick kid on the first day of college. Or the weird one either. I'm aiming for somewhere in between cool and hipster because no, hipster doesn't mean cool. Hipsters are people who are different, out of the norm. Cool is, well, cool. And not everybody who's a hipster can be classified as cool. If that were the case, nerds with those baggy knee-length denim shorts and faded, over-sized tees would be the new trend. But then again, they're not what people call "hipster", because they already have their very own brand name --nerds.

So yeah, i'm looking to be different, but not different different to the extent of getting avoided by people because that wanna-be kid is fucking weird. A comfortable spot right at the intersection point of 'cool' and 'hipster' would be nice. Just, nice. But to achieve that is a hard ass task. It's already challenging, and confusing enough to dress as a tomboy, although honestly, i don't dress to be anything. I just aim for something that doesn't make me look like i live in a fish market, that's it. But yes, it's already a problem to cross-dress and have a boy's hairdo when my chest and hip area obviously show that i am in fact, a female. So, if i were to try and dress a little more differently, like in a way that has me walking around with a sign that says trying to stand out hanging off my neck, people from this shithole would start being narrow-minded, judgmental and under-educated assholes.

And that's something i'm not totally okay with because over the years, i realized that i'm not really good when it comes to dealing with other people's opinion. Like, image means a lot to me and although i might be labelled as gay or whatnot, that doesn't bother me as much because being gay isn't something negative, not in my opinion anyway(as it should in everybody else's as well), but if I were to attend classes with what i usually wear around my close friends when we hang out or how i usually act around them too and then something along the lines of god, she's disgusting or we should stay away from her was thrown at me, i would break. I would break and have a really tough time trying to pull myself back together, And that's really bad, considering that it's my first year of college and i really shouldn't be focused on anything else like keeping myself from falling apart other than my grades.

Right, so i hope i don't sweat tomorrow. Or get too cold. Or look sick. I want to meet new people in my best condition and meeting/talking to people while sounding like something died and decomposed in my throat probably isn't the best way to start a new school life. I'll have a little praying session tonight then. Peace.

Also, the photo in my student ID card has me looking like shit. Like, i've just fallen into a rabbit hole of shit, landed into a pile of shit and then have myself cleaned with shit. Shit.

Pancakes And Cookies

I've been reading this fanfic by a guy known as "pancakesandcookies" and although it isn't mind-blowing good, it was pretty solid for a fanfic. He wasn't cheesy with the dialogues, didn't over do them either. He left hints of wittiness here and there, just enough to put a smile or a smirk on my face. I'm telling you this because i absolutely can't hold it in much longer, i just needed to tell someone about it. Of course, i told Kai but that didn't feel enough. The Kryber fanfic is just, it's a keeper. I'm going to be hooked on it for a while and this makes me really, really glad because i can't even remember the last time i got so hyped up or giddy reading a Kryber fanfiction. Ah, i missed those days.

Anyway, i decided to drop by his page again today and read his collection of one-shots. He had okay ones, good ones, and really unnecessary ones but overall, they're likable. Lovable, even. There was this particular one-shot he wrote. Well, two actually. One is called "6'o Clock News" and the other "Newspaper" and let me tell you how much they made me want to explode with teenage hype. "6'o Clock News" was short, but it was different and kept a good flow and vibe going so i liked it. I've always preferred pre-Kryber-relationship-phase anyway. I just can't help but adore the way the characters meet for the first time, or talk for the first time.

And then, there's "Newspaper". Now, this is all sorts of cliches bundled up into one story, but my god, he did an excellent job with it. He managed to make it non-cringeable, and for a gender bender, it wasn't annoying or just blehhh which is how i usually feel when i read gender benders. And it was so cute! Like, this kind of cuteness should be illegal, because it has the ability to make sad people like me momentarily mistake myself as not-sad. It's just so, good. I mean, it's not like amazing or anything, because i've read amazing and while this wasn't it, it had potential. A shitload of potential. Jason, the writer's real name, says that English isn't his first language and it really does show from his writing, but for someone who isn't all that comfortable with English, he's doing a great job at hiding it. He writes a little differently than how most of us fanfic writers would, the average ones and not like "deathbyeyessmile" or splendid writers like her. It feels more like a story written for pleasure rather than an essay you were forced to write for school, which is something i do a lot with my stories, I can't help it. My way with words has always felt strained and so limited. I hate it and for this, i'm incredibly jealous of Jason for being able to have this relaxed way of writing. It just doesn't feel fair.

So, "Newspaper" is as cliched and cute as it goes. It's definitely a great read, totally worth anyone's time. And i love the two character's confrontation part. The much awaited and anticipated confession was put out there, an elephant in the room, and Jason navigated the story so well that it didn't come off as fucking cheesy or mushy which i had originally thought it would because most writers had a tendency to do this, even if they didn't intend to. It just happens. But i'm really glad it didn't happen in "Newspaper". Ugh, so bloody jealous of his dialogues and smooth flow of confrontations and not overdoing anything.

I Don't Even Know

Last December they said 
The world'll be a better place
I remember the hope
That shined with every embrace

Times have changed
So will we
It's only right to leave the bad buried
And keep the good going

We see the same darkness
And feel the same cold
The stars will always shine wherever we go
Though sometimes you'll see them
And sometimes you won't
Just because it's a little dark
Doesn't mean they're gone
You might think you can't reach them
But never try, never know

It's December today
We're still waiting for change
I can still taste the sweat
With every hope for a chance 

Would you stand
Just to fall
It'll only get harder and harsher
Before it gets better

We see the same darkness
And feel the same cold
The stars will always shine wherever we go
Though sometimes you'll see them
And sometimes you won't
Just because it's a little dark
Doesn't mean they're gone
You might think you can't reach them
But never try, never know

Untitled

I know you care

But you get tired too

Nothing is fair

But i'm not looking for

Balance, equality

They never really bothered me

All that i truly need is to breathe

Racing my own shadow up the stairs

I swear i'll get out of this place

I'm sure i'm made for something else

For now i'll make a home out of hell

I try to feel good for myself

God knows what everybody else

Thinks of my negativity

But it's the one thing that ever speaks to me

Leave me alone

I see the guilt in your eyes

Not moving on

Why should i listen to

The bullshit you have to say

It never helped me anyway

I'm sorry for everything, i give in

Racing my own shadow up the stairs

I swear i'll get out of this place

I'm sure i'm made for something else

For now i'l make a home out of hell

I try to feel good for myself

God knows what everybody else

Thinks of my negativity

It's the one thing that ever speaks to me

I know, i know

I probably speak too much

But somehow, somehow

They still aren't enough

For me to make you stay

For me to feel okay

"I Was Here"

I might have forgotten to update you about my results but they aren’t really worth mentioning. Mostly, because they suck and I’m quite ashamed of my performance, as much as it was expected. Still, it was kind of sucker punch to the face or having a bucket of cold water splashed over your head moment. I didn’t like it. As expected, I did badly. And as expected, everyone was sort of disappointed even though they claimed that “you did really well! Excellent results! Good job!” It wasn’t something that could be covered up with phony pep talks although their effort was and is greatly appreciated. Of course, like all shitty things that happen in life, my grandma was subtle about talking to me about it at first, spilling words of comfort on me like I was ice-cream and the words were candies but soon after, the you could’ve done better or this only happened not because you’re stupid but because you didn’t study hard enough came pouring out like Pepsi out of a shaken can. But, whatever. I’m trying to get over it, if only she’d just let it go.

Anyway, I just finished a book. The first book I’ve finished in most likely, a year. Kind of a big deal to me right now. To say I’ve lost interest in reading would be a less shadowy way of telling people that I’ve changed and not for the better, I don’t think. I’ve always enjoyed, loved reading but last year, it was just improbable for me. I barely had enough concentration and energy left to go over school books, what more to say about leisure reads? I wanted to, but the more I red, the more dyslexic I felt I was becoming. The words were almost always swimming around after spending five or ten minutes on it and after countless attempts and lying six feet deep in the sands of denial, I chose the only option I had –I gave up. I just couldn’t do it anymore. So, for the whole of last year and parts of the year before that, I stopped being a reader. I stopped being a lot of things I used to be.

Now that the phase is starting to feel more like a phase rather than something that’s here to leech off of you for the rest of your life, I’ve been trying to push myself to pick up reading again. It wasn’t easy, it still isn’t but I like to think I’m going somewhere with it and today is proof of that. During my post-SPM days, I think I tried to read and finish at least 5 books, but to this day I have yet to see any of them through. Yes, they were old books and most of them I’ve already read if not once, then twice but they didn’t appeal to me any less. If anything, I was absolutely thrilled to read them again because as a used-to-be avid reader, I love picking up on words, phrases and the hidden meanings I might have missed first time round. So yeah, second readings are fun. They provide you with further confirmation and insights on the book you thought you knew inside-out but in fact, didn’t. Kind of like having a best friend and constantly asking them the same questions on the same things, just to see if their answers would remain the same because if they happened to have a change of perception or heart one day, you wouldn’t be left in the dark about it.

Right, back to the book. I guess since the actual, actual reason for me not reading for about a year and a half, or more, I’m not sure, was because of health issues related to the mentalities, it was only natural that the first book I finish in what felt like eternity, had something to do with well, that. The synopsis at the back of book started off like this, “I regret to inform you that I have had to take my own life…” As depressing as it sounds, it’s actually not that depressing of a book. When my family and I were at the bookstore and I asked my mom if I could borrow some money for the book because I didn’t have enough with me, borrow because I felt bad for just straight up asking money from her, she asked what book? And being the little ball of mischief my brother was, he answered Fifty Shades something and that of course, got her attention so she insisted that I show her the book and proceeded to checking it out. The first thing she said when she started reading the back of the book was oh my god, which gradually turned into this is depressing, why would you read something like this, it makes me want to kill myself. While on the surface, I looked to be shrugging of her reaction but in all actuality, my insides were laughing their asses, if they had one, off. The whole time they were thinking to themselves, “what normal person, teenager would read something so sick,” I was trailing behind them, stuck in my little world of amusement, choking back laughter that was dying to get out there. Oh, if only they knew. If only.

The author of the book is actually the person who wrote Where She Went and the prequel before that, If I Stay which has been adapted into a movie I’ve yet to watch but really want to. While reading I Was Here, my emotions were surprisingly, not on a roller-coaster ride. They were a straight line. Literally, a straight line. It was not until the end of the book I cracked a few tears but that escalated as quickly and sudden as it came and it was all downhill after that. To put it frankly, the book was a disappointment. The beginning was alright, with the element of surprise still in the air. Then came the middle and it got a little draggy, unnecessary which is funny because the book itself isn’t thick; it was actually one of the shortest novels I’ve read. And then there was the sort-of climax, which didn’t feel like a climax at all because things were unfolding so slowly but everything was explained in the last few pages like why the climax wasn’t climax-y at all and I was like alright, yeah I could work with this, but then the most cheesy and clichéd ending happened and I almost threw the book across the room. Not that I have anything against cheesy clichés, but this particular book ending just made me cringe over and over again.

Okay, I’m going to try to explain this in the simplest way possible. So basically, the whole book’s about this dead girl’s best friend running around town and then going back and forth between two towns after her BFF offed herself because she discovered some dirty secret about her BFF right before her suicide which raised suspicions and blablableh. We get that suicides are a very scary, sensitive thing to talk or even think about so one would automatically think of this book as deep, emotional and gut-wrenching because hello, we’ve all read books or articles about people getting over deaths at one point of our lives so we know just how much of an emotional roller-coaster ride reading all that is. Maybe this is why I was so disappointed with the book, because it wasn’t emotional enough.

Like, it had its fair share of mystery, tragedy and yeah, romance too and they were all pretty solid but when your best friend just killed herself over God-knows what and had a serious problem she kept secret for as long as your friendship with her lasted, which is a pretty long period of time until she died that is, collected and sane aren’t exactly the two words to describe you with. Not even close. But shockingly, these would be the best two words I could use to draw a picture of what the protagonist’s thoughts looked or felt like because if my best friend died and if I really thought of her as the best friend, I’d be an emotional wreck and not someone calm as fuck with collected and sensible thoughts. I wouldn’t be thinking about the weather, or other people or how I looked because every thought I’d have, it would be of her or something related to her. And I’d look like the meeting, or collision point of shock, confusion, anger, sadness, regret and all things bad. But that was not how Cody, the living best friend was portrayed. And I guess it kind of just ticked me off, that she wasn’t completely focused on her dead best friend. Instead, she was getting distracted by people, boys especially and other irrelevant stuff. I get that it happens, and that everyone’s different so the way they deal would be different too, but if there’s anything that connects us humans together, it’d be death. Death is mutual. We all die and we all feel the lingering after-effects of death when someone we know dies.  So, even if it were different, it couldn’t be all that different, could it?

Yeah, in shorter words, I like the beginning of the book and hate the end, but holistically, I like it. I like how some of the sentences, phrases were put and I like the author’s thinking at certain parts of the book. The conversations between characters were mellow, hollow and highly unforgettable although there were a few witty comebacks every now and then before they took a sudden turn towards cheesy as fuck lane at the end. And that was just messed up. They say love changes people, but the change doesn’t just happen overnight, does it?

COMING TOOFUCKING SOON: SPM RESULTS

Oh my god. Time flies like it's on flipping rush-hour on a Monday morning because apparently, three months have passed since I sat for spm and the results will be released this Tuesday which is less than 48 hours from now. To state the obvious, I am completely freaking out. I am freaking out like I've never freaked out before. It's this, I don't even know how to explain this, but I kind of feel like I want to jump off a building somewhere to compare that adrenaline to this adrenaline I'm feeling right now so I'd know just how much I'm freaking out. If I were a guy, I would've already jerked off twenty times within two hours because I can't handle the pressure of spending even a second thinking about my results.

My results, I'm not even the least prepared for it. I've always thought I had more time, more days and more hours but now that it's blowing over like a fucking storm in monsoon season towards me, I feel completely screwed up. Will I be screwed? I'm too young to have done the things I did and too dumb to have thought that all will turn out fine in the end. I know I don't live in a silver screen or within the pages of storybooks I never believed in when every other five year old did, but somehow, in some stupid way, I've managed to convince myself that "oh, it'll all work out, no need to break a sweat over something so silly." Silly? Try the single most, if not second most important grade in my entire life as a human being because one less grade A or one more grade C will determine if I'd end up crying next to a dumpster or in the living room of my penthouse suite.

Good lord, I have no idea what I've been doing. I still don't. And because I'm constantly stuck in this limbo of never knowing or doing anything which I've created for myself, I will find myself in the most horrible, sad and pathetic situation on Tuesday. What am I going to do? It sucks balls too because I've only started feeling okay, or even good when I'm lucky, recently. So, if this Tuesday turned out to be one of the worst days of my life, I'm not sure what it'd do to my mental well-being. I'm not sure what I'd do with or to myself.

I've even reached a point where praying feels useless and unnecessary. Please, let me be okay. I'm not asking for good or great but just average, non-disappointment bringing okay. I want to be okay. I crave to be okay. I need to be okay. Please, god. I'm so scared. I'm so freaked out. Help. 

Vitamin B6

  Wow. Wah. Hooooo(in a relaxed way). This is literally how i feel right now. Is this what people call euphoria? I have no idea what the word means but right now, all i know is that i feel great. I feel great!!!! What else can i say about me feeling great? It's just really...great? Superbly great. Extremely great. Wonderful.

  I'm currently trying to not get down from this high, if you can call this "high", while attempting to detect the source of me feeling like this out of the blue. Out of the blue? OUT OF THE FUCKING BLUE. LITERALLY. LIKE OUT OF THE BLUE, I FIND MYSELF OUT OF THE BLUES. WOW. WHAT IS THIS MAGIC. SORCERY. WIZARDRY. WOOOOOOHOOOOO!

  Okay, so why am i feeling like this? Maybe because i just finished this series i've been watching since CNY started, or was it before? No idea, but wow. It's an amazing series, with really talented actors, actresses and scriptwriters and music selectors and directors all that jizz. To be completely honest, i didn't think much of the series when my mom bought it at a local store. The DVD cover didn't appealed to me at all, and neither did the main actor and actress so naturally, i just looked past it. I never even gave it a second glance the moment we brought it home and left it on the TV counter until a friend of mine recommended this series she was watching to me and i thought the name of it sounded extremely familiar and what do you know, i have it right here with me. And so, i started watching and getting horribly addicted(like i always do) to a Korean drama called "It's Okay, That's Love." What differed this series from all the lovey-dovey crap every teenager has watched because everybody else was watching it is that, this series clearly isn't for teenagers below the age of 18 or whatever legal age for sex. It had a shit ton of sexual content, not in a visual sense but more in a conversational sense. Like, the characters are constantly talking about sex. And when they aren't, they're on kissing mode and although that's as far as it goes, lip contact or whatever contact shared between two hormonal, single adults of the opposite sex will always leave an impression, be it positive or negative, in children's mind.

  But i liked it. I'm like 18 this year so whatever. I thought the series was very much appropriate for any kind of audience(definitely not kids though) as long as they know self-control and just, common sense on what to do and what not to do, i guess? So, it's a drama that centers itself around a psychiatrist and her life with her two other roommates and her mom and her handicapped dad and a future boyfriend-but-husband-to-be who turns out to be more troubled by his own mind than his violent, abusive and very misguided older brother. Yeah, so it's complicated, but just complicated enough to get people to want to continue watching it or stop watching stupid series like High Kick 4 or whatever to watch this one.

  Furthermore, i absolutely love this series because 1)Adult humor 2)Un-cliched lines 3)THE FUCKING MUSIC. Oh my goodness, i've always been a little obsessive and crazy when it comes the OST's of K-Dramas but this one really just takes the cake. I'm not sure if it's only because it's the most recent good series i've watched but jesus, the songs they play are no joke. A nice mixture of English and Korean songs can be heard throughout the series and i love how they put in English songs because in my opinion, it has made the series much more relatable and emotional. Relatable because like hello, not everyone who watches it are Korean and emotional because since the lyrics can be easily understood by all races, it means absolutely everyone can feel what the director or scriptwriters or whatever wanted us to feel. Like, the message was clearly sent. Crystal-clearly sent. Beautiful, beautiful job. Skora for you, directors and people who selected the music.

  Although the series itself is very dark, one of the darkest i've ever come across honestly, the mood of the whole thing just gets lifted up by the wonderful songs that are being played. The series was very well-balanced and i think we've got the music to thank for. The songs aren't exactly happy or joyful, they're more uplifting than anything. So, it didn't matter if it was a scene where the stepdad was beating the shit out of the two brothers or where the younger brother was being physically abused by the stepdad then the older brother, in that order, i just felt really peaceful watching it with one of the songs playing in the background. Yes, i felt sad. Yes, i might have cried. But it was a different kind of sadness. Like, there's the heartbreaking, gut-wrenching sadness that is further intensified by the ballad music with the singer's voice being all emotional and "in-the-zone" that makes you want to cuss out and cry your tear ducts dry and then, there's this. The peaceful, understandable kind of sadness.

  The most memorable song of the series would be "Hero" by Family of the Year with lyrics that go, "Let me go, I don't want to be your hero." I lost track of how many times i lost myself when a scene that was well-suited for the song came up. It's just ugh, amazing. I don't know. Surreal. The whole thing felt so surreal for me, especially with the song. Yeah, so. Great series. Great music. They make me so goddamn happy despite the actual situation it was meant for.

  Another reason why i might be feeling so happy right now could be because of this...vitamin i've been taking since yesterday. I haven't been sleeping well like i said, so my grandma took me to this pharmacist who prescribed me with these Vitamin B6 tablets. It's supposed to make me sleep better and i can't say that it worked splendidly but at least it got its job done. I looked up the vitamin online too and guess what? It plays a big part in the mentally-disturbed side of the human race. People with depression, anxiety and insomnia have been known to take this supplement because apparently it helps with some neurotransmitter thing in our brain and does a lot of good stuff to mood and stuff. So, i was literally jumping with joy yelling "hell yaaas" when i discovered all this. I've had high hopes for it since the beginning and now that i'm feeling very good, i'd like to think that it worked.

  I had this weird, sudden moment of relief and peace and joy when i finished the drama and again, i'm not sure if it was just the drama, but point being i feel good. I feel okay. And this is really just great. And so rare. It's really just great. I even feel sleepy. I might just go and sleep. Sighhhhhhhhhhh(in a good way, in the best way possible). I feel good. It feels good to feel good again.

Chaos

Words don't come as i hoped they would
Yet thoughts like these, they never stop
Harassing me, i'm begging please

Hear my plea
I'd do anything just to breathe

I can't wash this blood off
At night i don't sleep at all
Nightmares and memories
Could they be less haunting?
I can't breathe in this pain
If anything's good, it's this rain
At least i know it's not just me
Who's falling and crashing to get some peace

Weatherman says it'll be a storm
Boisterous and harsh as the wind blows
Up a mess, tearing up this place

As He said
Let there only be chaos in her head

I can't wash this blood off
At night i don't sleep at all
Nightmares and memories
Could they be less haunting?
I can't breathe in this pain
If anything's good, it's this rain
At least i know it's not just me
Who's falling and crashing to get some peace

It'll never come
It'll never be
I'll only ever have this agonizing misery

There can only be chaos
Only chaos
Only chaos
In my head

Post-CNY-ish

  So today's the seventh day of the Chinese New Year and there's this tradition where we gotta eat like seven, or is it five, different types of vege mixed into something called "Lui Cha" or however it's spelled. Yeah so we ate it, blahblah, my brother went to school, my mom went to work and i stayed home because i had no school and thank God for that because i've been under the weather for quite a while now. It started on the fourth day of CNY. I woke up with a sore throat but immediately found it weird because it wasn't the type of pain that was excruciating and extreme, which is what my "sore throat" usually felt like. Instead of excruciating pain, my throat just felt sore. Like really, really sore. But not painful sore. Just sore. Does that even make sense? Anyway, it made me feel a little irritated talking so i cut down on the orals and decided to just watch tv instead.

  At night, i had this horribly awkward party i had to attend, which i did. It was awkward as fucking hell because i had but only one friend whom i could talk to and was counting on to show up to make everything more bearable but of course she didn't. The little bitch bailed at the very last minute. It was horrible as flipping shit because not only was i the one friend who didn't know everyone else because we weren't from the same school, heck, we didn't even speak in the same language, but the moron of a host had also conveniently forgotten to inform me that it was a BBQ dinner party i'd be attending, held outside of her house, in her AC-less and fan-less car porch. So there i was, pulling up to her driveway, dressed in a rather thick button-down with a sore throat that was itching to be noticed, seeing all this smoke released from the burning charcoal, and praying to God to make the night less terrible than it already seemed to be. But God was probably in one of his moods that night because as soon as my car came to a stop right in front of her house and i did a little friendly it's-been-five-years-since-we-saw-each-other-but-glad-to-be-here-buddy wave to have nobody wave back, including the stupid ass host, i knew shit was gonna go down. And i was going down with it.

  And down i went. With shit on my back, and my face as i stuffed the remaining broccoli(it was the only edible thing with a sore throat) i had on my plate into my mouth, and finished my third packet of green tea. I proceeded to leaning back into my chair and politely smiling/laughing/nodding/throat-clearing at whatever conversation that was going on. Don't get me wrong, i knew and understood perfectly what they were talking about, but did not have a slightest clue on whoever "Zhang Mao Xian" or "Huang Something" was. I speak the language, educate myself with sufficient amount of their culture in the entertainment industry. I enjoy the heck out of them too but these people who i was sharing a dinner table with jumped from one "red person" to another like ants in a boiling soup. And if they weren't talking about wannabe-celebs(who they worship btw), they were laughing about the latest gossips or jokes circulating the school and i bet they were real funny too if I ACTUALLY WENT TO THEIR STUPID SCHOOL AND KNEW WHO BRIAN OR LEE JING WAS. There was no way i could know whatever hell they were gabbing about and honestly there wasn't any part of me that even wanted to. Not even in the slightest. Stupid, inconsiderate, hostile people.

  It went pretty well though. I made a few friends myself that night. Two girls of the age of 13 and 12 and an 8 year old little boy. Kids are all annoying, so naturally they were too. They also didn't speak English, like at all. I hope i managed to raise awareness in them on how important the language is. I liked them plenty though, because they kept fighting with one another for my undivided attention. Aha-ha, kids. So after that ordeal, i got back home and watched AHS: Coven. Halfway through, i felt like i might have a fever so i took a pill, turned the lights out and went to bed. But sleep did not come that night. Or the morning after. Or in the afternoon. It was even worse at night because the snores that came from my grandma kept me up and frustrated all night. This little stayed-awake-no-matter-how-tired-or-how-much-i-begged-God-to-let-me-fall-asleep fiesta went on for a few nights. My fever went down, my pharyngitis stopped being so...present but i was all out of energy. My headache never ceased to remind me that within all that air i had inside my head, there too, lied a brain. Surprise, surprise.

  So with my head constantly feeling like exploding land mines on a roll, there was little i could do other than pretending to sleep. I couldn't read, watch my series or do anything really. It sucked and it still does. I fucking need to sleep. Do you have any idea how crazy i feel for losing 3 days of sleep? I always feel like i'm on the verge of falling asleep, like as soon as i shut my eyes, i'd be immediately shipped off to dreamland but when i do, it's another firework fiesta. And sleep is the last thing i get. I try so hard, but get so little.

  FUCK YOU SLEEP.

In the Image of You

 I'm frustrated yet again, over the fact that i have a tank full of words in my head and in my heart but can't find the right way to pour them all out. I feel so stuck, the words and the thoughts in my head feel stuck. Even my feelings, the way that my heart explains to me about how i feel, i think they're feeling blocked too. I don't know. I listen to all these music, watch all these films and instead of feeling great, i feel a profound sense of emptiness. And i know for sure that it isn't because the film's some sad, depressing work of a director finally breaking out of the indie field. It's just, they're so beautifully made and beautifully written. You look at them and think to yourself, "wow, look at what people are capable off." And then you think, "if they can come up with these smart lyrics or conversations, why can't i?" That's when you realize it's because. You. Just. Can't.

  It's not like i haven't tried either. Someone told me once that i try too hard. I try too hard at getting people's attention. I try too hard at making friends with other people. I try too hard at writing stuff. I try too hard at becoming someone i just can't be. Maybe i do. I don't exactly know why i do since they don't mean much to me apart from the writing part, but i do. I don't like knowing that someone's seeing my efforts as...bullshit. Because if anyone's supposed to think of what i do as bullshit, then that person should be me. Not people i call friends who are bound to hurt me one way or another someday in the future. It's not fair how God makes me this empty-headed piece of shit who goes through day after day and month after month of self-hatred and then make another living person who somewhat matters to me remind me that i'm an empty-headed piece of shit who needs to stop going through day after day and month after month of self-hatred. The last thing i need is to be reminded that i have to get my shit together because what the hell did you think i was doing for the past year?

  People think i've been doing nothing lately, and it's true. I don't do anything when i'm at home. And it's not some sort of healing process. It's just me getting dumber and dumber by the minute. But i really can't find enough cares in the world to make myself get off the bed and reinvent the evolution of the human race. I just don't care anymore. I don't care if my friends make me feel like shit. I don't care if i'm making myself believe that my friends are making me feel like shit. The more i care, the more it hurts. So, i've decided to just not. They wanna hang out? Fine. They wanna talk about what makes their heart flutter and passion flare? I'll listen. They wanna say goodbye and take off for a month of two without checking in? Alright. It'd still hurt. I'd still cry over it like a pathetic teenager who didn't get enough love and attention from mommy and daddy dearest, who grew up knowing that they were nobody's favorite. But i'll learn to get over it because who else gives two shits when i lie on the floor, staring at the ceiling that only stared back as i wish for it to collapse and put an end to this sick game God or whoever it is that's up there signed me up for.

  No one gives two shits. No one will ever know what i'm going through. No one will ever know about the thoughts that are tearing me apart. No one will ever see the evil that appears in my very eyes when someone pisses me off. No one will ever see the broken pieces of bones that weren't strong enough to get me through this life. No one. It's just me. It'll only ever be me. Try as i may to see the good in people, to see the good in the world, one day when i find shards of glass from a mirror sticking out of my bruised knuckles, i will be reminded of every single bad thing that has ever happened to me, has ever happened to everyone else i care about, to everyone else whom i didn't know existed.

  Is this funny to you God? Is this amusing? Standing by the sidelines, watching intently with a cigar in between your fingers and smirk on your face as one of your creations create chaos in her head? Tormenting her own mind and body about the bad she is and will be to the people around her? Maybe this is why it's said that we're created in the image of our great creator, the universe's almighty maker. Only someone as sick as the rapists behind metallic bars, roaming freely at the food court of a mall in search for a new target; terrorists with bombs strapped to their chests like they had replaced the heart that was once there; people with or developing fantasies about participating in crimes of passion because they can't help what the voices in their head are telling them to do would create such a world of madness.

  Only someone with these disgusting thoughts, ideas and needs would make something else equally tainted and dark as they are. Maybe i'm going to hell because of these words that have rolled off my tongue, but at least they're true. At least i was, am able to talk about it and write about it. I'm just be glad that i'm able to do something, anything. Just, to be able.

  I'm sorry.

For Her

I posted this a while ago but there was a glitch on Blogger so i had to re-post it up.

I pick the roses
And you cut the thorns
I sing the verses
You say I came on too strong

It's fine to be mad
It's fine to be sad
You tell me when I need some peace

What would I do without those coffee black eyes?
What can I say that doesn't turn into a lie?
Last thing I need is you moving on with time
Cause I know I'll only be fine
With your big hands by my side

You rang that one time
Say be ready in five
I'm coming to ya
We're going on a night drive

Heading out of town
It won't be long now
I know you'll love the stars when we get there

What would I do without those coffee black eyes?
What can I say that doesn't turn into a lie?
Last thing I need is you moving on with time
Cause I know I'll only be fine
With your big hands by my side

It won't be the end
If the two of us are still friends
We'll keep both our heads
Just above the sea of regret

It's been great to know you
It's been great to see you
Nobody understands my questions the way you do
Nobody give me answers the way that you do

"Beautiful"

  So, Amber's solo debut happened. I was extremely pumped for it, like finally, we could hear more of her voice! And see how far she'd go with her talent and androgynous looks. Well, it's been approximately 52 hours since the music video of "Shake That Brass" was released, along with her second title track "Beautiful". 48 hours since she had her solo debut on real-life stage on KBS2. After much rethinking and reconsideration towards her album, i've come to a conclusion that i don't hate it. Honestly, when i first heard it, i wasn't all that thrilled about it. I don't think i liked a single song on the mini album, but then i listened to it again, and again and again like i did with f(x) and walah-- turns out they aren't that bad. I'm a little disappointed that they didn't appeal to me immediately but most things don't. Plus, the Kpop genre really isn't my jig and i'm only involved because i love f(x) so yeah. Okay, so i'm gonna list out the songs from the mini album and my thoughts about them while listening to Spotify play them.

1. Shake That Brass ft. TaeYeon/Wendy
- The music video that was made for this track was less than appealing to me, very much like the choreography to the song. It wasn't all that special for a party song and a featured artist was quite unnecessary, much like the music video to it. Although it was supposed to be this huge thing, a sensation because of the popular artists that were seen in the MV from all these different Kpop companies, i really doubt that it was. I'm pretty sure a lot of people think so too. I thought they could've used a much cooler(idk) or more energetic choreo. As for the music part, i guess it's one of those songs you hear on the radio one afternoon but forget it the minute you get home. Unless it's being played over twenty times a day then maybe. Just maybe.

2. Beautiful
- Hmm, this song is a tough one. One, because it has a meaning to it, but that doesn't make it the "greatest song ever". Two, the whole song consists of an acoustic guitar and Amber's voice. Amber explained that she had this song for over three years and it was special to her. With me not understanding a single phrase in Korean, of course i got annoyed at the fact that i can't judge the song from a perspective that was closest to hers. Meanings are usually lost during translation and that's the only thing i hate about being a Kpop fan, other than having to associate myself with those immature, stupid nuisance. So yeah, i was only able to understand the song after checking out the Mandarin translation, which i thought was a pretty solid cross-over from K to M. Overall, it's an okay song. I absolutely love the guitar picking at the beginning of the song but that went away too soon. Again, it's not a bad song, it's just that it lacks uniqueness. And attraction. It's an extremely bland song. Yes, bland songs can be good too, but this is just, B-L-A-N-D. Like, the music is fine and so are the lyrics but that's it. It doesn't make you wanna rape the replay button and the only reason i'd do that is because i want to hear Amber's voice. Can't say i'm super fond of her voice either, but i do like listening to it over and over again to get her vocal range and limits right. Yeah, i love doing that. Umm, as for the lyrics to the song, it's not bad. By that i mean i don't cringe at the parts i don't understand and totally cringe at the parts that i do. She's just not the best with English lyrics i guess. If only i understood Korean. Damn it. But if i hadn't understood any of them, i guess it's alright. Her voice... it can get a little airy at parts, and not the nice type of airy too. I think she hasn't gotten sufficient amount of vocal training. Like, i can tell she has a shitload of talent but she needs to be taught how to be better. She's gotta sharpen the edges. I'm aware that some people find it offensive for others to tell certain artists that they have to brush up or whatnot because "they have their own style ok just let them be themselves" but i'm sorry, amber has no style when she sings. No style or her own thing or whatever. Maybe she does have it when she raps but definitely not when she starts singing, not that her singing voice sucks, it just lacks that one thing that gets people to be like 'whoaaa' because she sings like how everybody else in my family sings, normally. Idk.

3. I Just Wanna ft. Eric Nam
- So this is supposedly the original version written and composed by Amber before it was changed into the Korean version in "Pink Tape". The music part sounds exactly the same as the Korean one featuring Luna, Krystal, D.O and Amber as the rapper but that's not the point here. The main point here being the English lyrics and Amber's vocal range. Let's talk about the lyrics first. Maybe it's because i heard the Korean one before it and have developed a bond with the song. Maybe it's the whole song, the music that wasn't the right fit for a song with English lyrics because we all know how one word has multiple syllables so that tends to mess up the smooth flow of the song. All in all, i can't really stand listening to the song and understanding what it meant. Firstly, the lyrics are corny as hell. And typical too. And that's just something i try my best to avoid but it seems like it's Amber's cup of tea. Of course, the Korean and hardcore international fans are going insane, losing their shit over hearing the English version of the song but i for one, can't seem to find any of the lyrics worth my time. I love the music, but the lyrics just didn't sound right. At all. To me. And the fact that i keep making a face that makes people wonder if i stepped on poo for about three times while the song plays on because Amber Josephine Fucking Liu sang "baby boy". I don't care if i'm overreacting, it's just kind of hard not to shiver or cringe whenever i hear her sing "baby boy". I mean, it's Amber Liu, not that there was anything wrong with her saying that but it's just a little interesting to hear it coming from her. So yes, i cringed a few times. On to the part about her vocals! Oh yes, her vocals. It was really good. Great, even. This is the only song i've heard from her that clearly show-casts her rather wide vocal range. We all know from her other songs that she's able to sound low as heck but this song right here, the English version to "Goodbye Summer" has made people hear and get that Amber is a good singer. She has hit a note which i have doubts about Krystal being able to. Like, she might even be on Luna's level. And this song made me realize that. I was astounded and amazed at how flawless her high note sounded. It wasn't pitchy or airy, it was strong and was about the only thing that saved me from deleting the song off my device. Don't get me wrong, i love the music but sometimes the lyrics have just got to go. And it hurts me to say this because it was solely written by Amber. It's not that i want to diss on her lyric-writing skill, maybe she's new to this, i don't know, but i just don't think the English lyrics to this song, or album, was good. At all. I'm really sorry to say this. Eric sounded really good though, on par with Amber's vocals here.

  As for the two other songs on the album, they were pop-y and i haven't listened to them as much as i did to the ones i've mentioned above so i can't give an accurate opinion. There's one thing i can say about them though, they sound good to me. I like them. Yeah. So, this album is a really big thing. I hope it sells well and that her fans would buy it and blow it off the charts. Amber deserves her golden moment, and this is probably it. So please God, give it to her a'ight? I mean, she wrote and composed most of the songs so even if she isn't great with lyrics, her composing has got to be something.

  And that's all i have to say about Amber's solo debut mini album "Beautiful". The meaning is there, all the good vibes are there too, and this just further proves that she's a wonderful idol and role model. Maybe even the best. Peace. AMBER FIGHTING!!!!!!!!

Hag of A Laptop

  I've been updating a lot more now because of a few reasons: 1) My laptop is being a bitch. 2) My brother's laptop is being an asshole. 3) I have nothing else to do. 4) Literally nothing. 5) I feel stuff. So yeah, here i am again. Of course, i could always go on twitter or tumblr or asianfanfic.com but it really does get boring after a while. Not the twitter or tumblr part because they never get boring, only out of new posts, but unfortunately only a handful of kryber fan fictions are readable and those handfuls have all been read over and over again when i've run out of things to do in real life. Although i could go back to my author-ssi life, i just feel like i am and can't write as i did before. I know i'm not all that great of a writer but it's always a good feeling to know that there are people out there who somewhat enjoy what you put your time and effort into, and that alone makes writing worthwhile. But i feel like i'm just going to taint my name and disappoint the readers if i do post something right now, so i'd rather let them hate on my absence than have them hate on my unsatisfying presence. Does that even sound right? See what i mean? It's like i don't even know what's wrong or right with my sentences anymore. So much for English being my first language. I literally can't have a solid enough grasp on anything. Not even life.

  I'm kind of in a dilemma right now. Since my laptop is on its downward spiral, i've been having thoughts about getting a new, more reliable one what with the new college term starting. Everybody knows how attractive Apple products are in today's world and everybody knows just how much i love them. So, i'vebeen wondering, should i ask mom for a MacBook Air? Honestly, i already brought it up once in a conversation a week or so ago but she didn't seem very serious about it. I think that's only because i haven't clarify how shitty my laptop really is nowadays, but that's fine because i will as soon as i have solid proof that it can't pull its shit together no more. Hopefully i'm making a wise and mature decision this time. I do like my current Asus laptop, but it already as too many bugs. It's probably old and lazy now. Like me. But whatever because unlike it, i'm still functioning. Barely, but i'm still here.

  Right, so i have exhausted all topics for this update. I don't seem to have anything else to say so maybe i'll just leave this here. Um, bye. Maybe i'll be back. Like, right back. But i don't know. And neither do you.