It's Been Approximately 1095 Days

I've been a full-time college student for a month now and plenty has happened. I'm starting to understand how things are and how they'll be now, and i'm still unsure whether i should love it or hate it. To sum it all up from the academic perspective of things, there are a shit ton of group assignments. If it were like solo projects, there wouldn't be much fuss about it from me but group assignments are like a cactus in the eye. I hate it. Mostly because more people in a group means more things for all of us to do, especially the leader, which i am, not that i like it because i feel like i'm about to mess things up big time since i'm not exactly in the best condition to lead anything that will have a critical effect on grades. But the fuel to my dislike towards group assignment is also because of the people i have to force myself to work with, especially stupid, lazy, incompetent people. I get it, i used to and still bat for the sloth team too but this is a little too much, and it's not like they're at home picking up the pieces either. They're just idiotic and wasteful and unappreciative of what they have. Stupid bunch of people.

Okay, moving on to the gossip-y section of the update. There might be a possible rise of conflict in my group of course-mates. A conflict of interest. Or a conflict due to similar interest. Basically, there are two guys in my group and a girl whom i myself found to be a lot less than attractive but apparently not to the opposite sex whom they both might be falling for. One won't stop talking about her, the other won't stop text-ing her and doing all those things people do when they're trying to court somebody. It's kind of annoying actually, to hear the same dude yapping about the same pointless thing every single day and every single time the girl is within field of vision. Like seriously, just stop. If you insist on carrying on, at least add some new words into your vocabulary. "Pretty" and "attractive" can get sort of stale after being used around a hundred times in the past 24 hours. So, there's that. And then, there's me. And my other bisexual friend.

As you and i know, i haven't been myself for the past 3 years or so due to my unforeseen mental instability although honestly, the me-now feels like the real me instead of the happy-go-lucky 13 year old me. And ever since i've taken a hit of depression, having affectionate feelings for someone not in my circle of friends is about a quarter of a feet away from improbability. I just haven't been, am not capable of feeling something that happy, that uplifting. I can't bring myself to like someone so much i forget about how much they're going to dislike me as soon as they get to know the actual me. No, my thoughts are there for a reason. These thoughts that feel like they're here to stay are still here because of one thing and one thing only- i'm not ready. I'm not quite over it yet. And before i get over the shadow that has the right pieces of me hidden from the world, i can't help someone else hold a torch. I can't light up someone else's darkness. Not just yet.

But it happened. The rapid, unsteady beating of my heart. The confusion that came after because what the fuck just happened. The air that doesn't seem to go in deep enough to reach my lungs. The face that wouldn't leave my closed eyes. The smile that wouldn't let the clouds return. I felt it, i saw it. I felt it all and saw it all. Why did it happen? Why now? Because apart from the smiles we shared with one another, twice, as she walked past my table at the library and i just happened to look up, we've never had any other social contact. We've never talked. All we've been doing is acknowledging each other's presence. And all i've been doing is staring and wondering and admiring. And hating myself.

I told someone about it. Although i didn't say it on a serious note and didn't mean much of anything when i said it, i told a friend whom i thought would laugh with me and agree with me on things that i find a little troubling to bring up with others about it. I said, "dude, she smiled back. she smiled back. and her smile. it's pretty. she's pretty" and then i lost every chance that i could've had and even the ones that i wasn't supposed to have. In a blink of an eye, while i was busy trying not to stare, trying not to fidget, trying not to breathe like a hyperventilating child, she began to acknowledge someone else's presence and existence. And i stood there, dumbfounded. Angry. Sad. Numb. 

I no longer have the drive to talk about this. I no longer have the strength to think about this.