Innovation And Change

I am physically and mentally drained. College isn't a distraction, all it does is weigh me down even more. It's hard enough to reach so deep into myself to tug on that single strain of motivation i have left to do my homework and to study, and now i'm forced to deal with the damages that come along with judgmental, narrow-minded lecturers like the one that teaches me Innovation&Change at school. I find it bloody ironic how someone with the depth of understanding as shallow as baby pools would be teaching college students on innovation and change. Let's not kid ourselves, the lady has problems coming to terms with the world's coming-of-age, how in God's name will she be able to teach us a subject on embracing what was seen as a taboo back when the world was in a much darker and ignorant place? All she ever does in class is complain about the lack of parking space at school or promote Christianity because everything wrong in the new world is due to its lack of belief in God and God's teachings. I signed up for Innovation&Change and not bible study. There's a flipping thick line between school and Sunday school and my lecturer needs to see it. She needs to see it and understand it, before she gets hit by a brick in the chest. By me.

Now, i usually have a considerately high respect towards teachers because i acknowledge the challenges of being an educator but this particular lecturer i find no patience or understanding for. Even my econs lecturer, who can be a complete inconsiderate bitch at times, has my respect because she doesn't cross the line between a student's life and a student's school life. She doesn't judge you based on the way you dress, or your possible-gender-preference, she just does what she's being paid to do because that's her only responsibility, to ensure that we as students don't flunk out on whatever that she's teaching and not who we should date or how we should portray ourselves. This is where my I&C lecturer lost all my student-teacher respect towards her. It's not like i go to class looking like i want to get laid or have tattoos all over my body and face or stink with so much cigarette smoke i could choke the entire class, not that it's bad to be like that because what we do with our body is our choice and it doesn't concern or affect anyone else but ourselves. And fuck her because even if i did have all that, you can't classify me as a fuck-up just because i look like a fuck-up. You can't look like a fuck-up, you can only act like a fuck-up. I don't get why that's a concept she just can't grasp on.

And what does my sexual orientation have anything to do with my grades? Unless it's not my grades she's worried about but oh wait, that's not right because it's a teacher's only responsibility to care about a student's grade more than anything else. I mean sure, they can get involved with other shit like a student's mental health or whatever that might bring harm to student and also maybe the society but hello, my sexual orientation isn't bringing you or the society harm is it? The only harm any homosexual, bisexual, transgender get are from people like her. The ones who wouldn't try to see the world from our eyes, who wouldn't try to understand that a gay me and a non-gay me would act exactly the same because that's who i am. I can't change who i am, i can only change how people see me because if i did, i'd be lying to myself, i'd be spending my whole life pretending to be someone else. Why should i die as someone else? Why shouldn't i die as myself? I don't get it. When my lecturer said, "we have to be different. we have to be our very own self" i wanted to drink from my bottle, laugh and spill all that water from the inside of my mouth into her face because she just told the entire class while she stared very obviously at me how its "wrong to be bisexual. it's wrong to cross-dress. it's wrong to want to be a girl when you're born a boy. it's weird. you shouldn't try any of it."

I'm sorry, try? TRY? Bitch, the only thing i was trying to do was holding myself back from throwing you off the ninth floor of the building. We aren't trying to be or trying to do anything. We aren't TRYING. We're just being what we're made to be. We're just feeling what we're made to feel. Love. Is that so wrong? Just because your version of love is more popular among the human race doesn't make our version of love any less beautiful, any less real. We're not disgusting. We're not wrong. There is no right or wrong. If there is, there's none you have the right to make. I'm so sick of hearing this. I'm so sick of explaining this in my head. I'm tired.