I realized i have left my blog untouched for far too long and it isn't because updating has never crossed my mind, because it has, i just don't know what to say anymore. Words have escaped my mind and i know that by writing, not only would i be reminded of my incapability to have a stronger grip on my language, but my talent to be untalented would come crashing down my walls too. Like right now, i don't even know what i'm trying to write or say here. All my words are jumbled up even though my thoughts know exactly where they want to go, i think i may have lost a part of me again. The part of me which allowed me to express myself, the part of me that made the bad part of me less bad, but it's gone now. And in its place, lies this new key piece of my life, a part i never actually saw coming, not so soon at least. I hate to think that it's because of this new addition that i've lost my method of output because i used to remember how much better i would feel after a blog update, after i pour my heart out into words that made everything make more sense, how much i loved writing. How much i loved expressing myself. But whenever i come on, all i get instead of peace and serenity, is frustration. I'm deeply frustrated because i can't seem to find the right words to use, can't seem to remember if this sentence structure is correct, can't seem to piece my thoughts and ideas into words of coherence and nothing frustrates me more than this. I live to express myself and now, this happens. Joy to the world. I may have gotten my life back on track, but in return, i've lost something that i've used as a coping mechanism, as a life-saver. Why does opportunity cost have to exist? Haven't i sacrificed, given in enough already?
Anyway, i'm just going to fill you in real quick with my life update because i think you deserve it, old blog. Life update so far:
1) My grades are alright.
2) The good student in me has returned.
3) My academic life is stable.
4) I don't hate my life as much anymore.
5) I don't wanna die as much anymore.
6) I'm happy most of the time.
7) I have a girlfriend.
8) 7 is the reason 4-6 exist.
9) 7 is kind of the reason why i want to continue existing.
10) I'm in love with my girlfriend.
I want to tell you so much about this girl, this amazing, amazing girl but i don't think now's the right time, given my lack of access to the full version of my brain/the vocab side of my brain. Unfortunately, what i've got in my hands right now is the lame, pathetic trial version. I NEED MY ENGLISH VOCAB BACK!! So i can tell the world how this one person changed me. How this one person changed my life. So i can attempt to explain my feelings towards this beautiful creature and what she means to me. But here's a song i wrote about her back when i had more access to the sensitive, poetic and depth-y side of me. I really miss that side of me.
No comments:
Post a Comment