Oh my god. Time flies like it's on flipping rush-hour on a Monday morning because apparently, three months have passed since I sat for spm and the results will be released this Tuesday which is less than 48 hours from now. To state the obvious, I am completely freaking out. I am freaking out like I've never freaked out before. It's this, I don't even know how to explain this, but I kind of feel like I want to jump off a building somewhere to compare that adrenaline to this adrenaline I'm feeling right now so I'd know just how much I'm freaking out. If I were a guy, I would've already jerked off twenty times within two hours because I can't handle the pressure of spending even a second thinking about my results.
My results, I'm not even the least prepared for it. I've always thought I had more time, more days and more hours but now that it's blowing over like a fucking storm in monsoon season towards me, I feel completely screwed up. Will I be screwed? I'm too young to have done the things I did and too dumb to have thought that all will turn out fine in the end. I know I don't live in a silver screen or within the pages of storybooks I never believed in when every other five year old did, but somehow, in some stupid way, I've managed to convince myself that "oh, it'll all work out, no need to break a sweat over something so silly." Silly? Try the single most, if not second most important grade in my entire life as a human being because one less grade A or one more grade C will determine if I'd end up crying next to a dumpster or in the living room of my penthouse suite.
Good lord, I have no idea what I've been doing. I still don't. And because I'm constantly stuck in this limbo of never knowing or doing anything which I've created for myself, I will find myself in the most horrible, sad and pathetic situation on Tuesday. What am I going to do? It sucks balls too because I've only started feeling okay, or even good when I'm lucky, recently. So, if this Tuesday turned out to be one of the worst days of my life, I'm not sure what it'd do to my mental well-being. I'm not sure what I'd do with or to myself.
I've even reached a point where praying feels useless and unnecessary. Please, let me be okay. I'm not asking for good or great but just average, non-disappointment bringing okay. I want to be okay. I crave to be okay. I need to be okay. Please, god. I'm so scared. I'm so freaked out. Help.
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