"And How Do You Feel About That?"

  I need therapy. Or at least, some kind of professional help from people who know what they're doing. Every single day, with each passing hour, i can feel myself slip away, little by little. I'm losing my grasp on everything. When i'm not busy thinking about how different my life would be if i hadn't done what i did, i'm thinking about ways to lock myself in my room with a bottle of sleeping pills in hand. I'm not in denial anymore. No, i'm way past that. I've come to terms with wanting to kill myself. I've come to terms with me being suicidal. If asked the question, "And how do you feel about that?", the only answer i have would be, "I don't know," because in truth, i really don't know how i feel about me going suicidal. I remember from my previous post when i touched on topics about suicidal people/teenagers, i talked about it not being the right decision, that it was something like an act out of impulse. I used to think of suicide as a cowardly act to hide or escape from problems, and honestly, i still think that it is, but now i don't see it as something wrong, or foolish anymore. Actually, suicide is probably the most logical thing in my head right now. Nothing made more sense than just disappearing from the surface of the planet.

  I used to hear my conscience telling me how wrong and stupid it is to take the short-cut out of life, but now, all i hear is silence. Horrible silence lingering around my head. I wish i could go back to when i was okay. When my biggest problem in life were my grades. Back when i didn't have to deal with so much guilt, disappointment and self-pity. It's so hard to breathe. It's so hard to do anything other than sleep or cry. I wish i could stop crying. It makes me feel weaker than i already am. I hate the fact that one single word can bring me and all the walls that i've tried to build around myself down in a nanosecond. My problem is me. My family's problem is me. My friend's problem is me. My school's problem is me. The society's problem is me. The world's problem is me. Why should i be here? What did i do to deserve to be here, to have this life when millions of innocent people, are out there somewhere, suffering with what they probably didn't deserve. I don't deserve this. I'm not worthy of anything good in life. That's probably why i'm sitting here, feeling like this, while typing all these out. Maybe this is my punishment. Maybe this is all that i deserve. I just wished that my family didn't have to go through all those shit for me. I wish i could just disappear. It'd be easier for them, for myself. God, help me. I have no where else to go. I have nothing left for me here. I'm too broken. I'm too wrong. I'm bad. I'm bad for this world. As if the world isn't bad enough. Please, just let me be gone.

  I can't handle the things that are going on in my head and in my life. I'm not expressive like my brother, he talks about his problems and whatnot all the time to my family. That was always something i could never do. I don't know why, but i just feel like i shouldn't burden them any further with my own problems. I don't want to make their life a bigger mess than i already had. I just want to disappear so people around me would stop suffering because of me. I don't want to be the reason for people's unhappiness. I want everyone to be happy all the time. I want everyone to never feel the way i'm feeling right now. I hope everyone would never stop feeling okay.

Ashamed

  I don't think i can live with myself anymore. This past week has been a wake-up call for me and all of it just feels like a bad dream. A nightmare. Waking up, i've realized that i'm so far off from the person i once was. I went through this dramatic and very much drastic change, but not in a good way. Jesus, not even in the slightest positive way. Every second my eyes stay open is another second i spend thinking about the things that has gone wrong in my life. It is also another second i spend hoping that a car would come and end my life. I don't feel like i should be breathing anymore. Yeah, it's wrong to take the easy way out but this pain, this struggle is going to take its toll on me very soon. It's going to come at me at its maximum speed and claim me for the wrongs that i've done. I don't mind it. I really don't. There are only two things i want right now. One, is for me to die. Two, for me to miraculously turn back time. Out of the two options, the only probably one would be option one and i would do it myself if i wasn't such a coward.

  I get it now. Why some people are suicidal and would actually go to the extend where they put a blade to their wrist and cut deeply without a sign of hesitance. I've been through it, not the wrist-cutting part, but the part where you realize that killing yourself is the best option out of all options. You see, when you're stranded in such a situation where there's no point being here, alive on earth, you just want to die because you feel that being dead would be less painful and much, much more bearable than being alive while watching your whole world burn down and gets destroyed right before your very eyes. And of course, you can only remain stationary at the edge of it all with the torch in your hand. Everything that has happened is my fault. I take the blame. I bare with the consequences. I hope that God is able to find His faith in me again and provide me with the strength and self-confidence that i am desperately in need of right now.

  I need help, but there's no one around that would be willing to listen to my pathetic side of the story. God, i'm fucking pathetic. I'm so pathetic that everything i do scream fucking pathetic. In case you don't know exactly how i feel right now, i have taken some time to type out the lyrics to a very, very relatable song. And here are the lyrics. If you think they're too pathetic, just sod off. I can't bear with all of this right now. I just can't.

Do you know what it's like

Not to know what is wrong or what's right

I've been throwing away the efforts of me

To leave this all behind

Don't feel sorry for me

I have no excuse

I brought this on myself

I've felt ashamed for so long

And you

You are the reason i go on

I don't know how i got here

I don't know where i went wrong

I'm a player that's aged and won't stay away

Cause i've been in the game for so long

Another day, another way

 For me to finally make a change

Another day, another slave

But i'll keep trying

I've felt ashamed for so long

And you

You are the reason i go on

I've felt ashamed for so long

You

You are the reason i go on

I can't escape all the problems i made for myself

I'm in hell, and accept all the blame

I can't escape all the problems i made for myself

I'm in hell, here's the look but don't stare

I can't escape all the problems i made for myself

I'm in hell, and accept all the blame

I can't escape all the problems i made for myself

I'm in hell, take a look but don't stay

"Ashamed" by Jamestown Story couldn't have been more perfect.

Tragis

  I've been wanting to update for a while now, but things have just been a handful. The first exam of my last high school year is starting tomorrow and i'm extremely under-prepared. Again, there's no one to point the pistol of blame at other than myself, but i don't want me talking about how fucked up i am for my upcoming exam to be the center of my update today. I honestly just want to talk about the tragedy that has struck the world. By the world, i meant my country and China. Who would've thought that Malaysia would acquire overnight fame, but of course it just had to be for the wrong damn reasons. Basically, what happened is that, my country lost a plane of 239 passengers including the flight crew on its journey from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, to Beijing, China. Lost how? That is the ever-revolving question around everyone who gives a damn about it right now because it has been almost a week since the plane was last detected and still, there isn't a single soul out there who has confirmed info on what exactly happened. There are theories, of course, as to what might have happened to the plane. The more logical ones would be the plane has crashed landed into the sea, or the plane has been hijacked by people for God knows what reason and had long landed at some secret hideout. Personally, i would like to believe that the Boeing 777 has been taken over by someone else other than the assigned pilots because that scenario would at least give a chance of survival to the remaining passengers. If the plane had crashed into the sea, chances of the victims surviving would just be non-existent because it's not just a day or two anymore, it has been a week. 8/10 human beings would not be able to survive off-land without food or clean water for 5 days and it has almost been a week. This isn't Life of Pi, this is a matter of 239 souls. This is a matter of the broken hearts of the family and friends of the 239 souls.

  When i first heard the news, i was surprised but i did not look any further into the matter as i thought it was just a news error. I mean, hello, it's Malaysia. The land of peace and unity. Shit like that don't happen here. And honestly, it really rare does. So when my friends told me, "hey a Malaysian plane went missing", i kind of shrugged it off and thought nothing much about it. Obviously i had not yet grasp on the gravity of the situation. When i got home, and was free of all stressful things in life, i got curious and finally decided to look it up. To say that i was on the verge of an anxiety attack as i read the news update about the issue on BBC would be the understatement of the year. With every word and information that gathered in my head, my breath got heavier and heavier until it became so intense that i had to put my phone down and tried not to pull a Carrie in my bed room. It was horrible. The pictures of family crying and screaming and waiting helplessly. The more you looked at them, the more you wanted to be bail out of life because you could feel your tears forming behind your eyes, and your heart breaking inside you, knowing that theirs were already broken. The wait was the worse. Scars heal with time, but only when you've found closure. The families and friends of the people involved could only wait and wait and wait, struggling to hold onto that thin piece of thread with hopes that the ones they hold so close to their hearts were safe and sound. It made the air so hard to be breathed in. It made the world look sick, cruel and evil. It made life into something worth hating on.

  I prayed for them. I prayed that others would pray for them as well because they need it. It's the only thing we as bystanders can do. It's not much, and obviously it isn't enough to help, but i really do hope that all things good find their way to the lives of these people. These sad and broken people. I wish there was something else we could do other than waiting for news updates on the radio and holding on to prayer beads every night before sleeping. Something that could help make a difference. Something that could stop the pain. Something that could miraculously make everything alright again. Pray for MH370. Pray for the friends and families of the passengers of MH370. Just pray.

Busy, Yet Not Really

  I just re-read my very depressing previous post and wow, yeah i was in a really bad place then. I feel like a completely different person right now, but that's how this thing works. 8pm you're feeling dandy, everything's alright. 9.30pm you start thinking, "i don't tell people anything because they don't listen. Why don't they listen?" 9.45pm, your thoughts evolve into something like, "i hate this, why am i like this, why was i born, i don't want my life, i don't want someone like me living my life." Then, you have some sort of mental breakdown where nothing feels okay because you realize that you're never getting back up from whatever hole you've dug yourself into. This usually lasts for a couple of hours, if it happens at night, which it usually does, you'll fall asleep thinking about it and wake up the next morning feeling either better or worse, much, much worse. If the breakdown takes place in the afternoon, chances of you feeling better would be at the lowest because you don't get to sleep and sleep helps to get rid off some of the pain, unless you cry so much, your eyes get so tired and you just lose consciousness. Yeah, stuff like that happens too.

  So now, i'm feeling better. Nothing looks like it's about to fall and crush my skull. I'm kind of just tired as it's been a very busy day, with school activities, movie with friends and grandad's death anniversary. When life gets busy, you find yourself thinking less and lesser about your problems outside of school. Of course, you stress about them too, but just not as much. Okay so i typed the previous two paragraphs last Saturday and i'm only continuing this now. It felt incomplete last week so i didn't see the need to post it up just yet. Nothing much happened this week. I still feel kind of the same, a little numb-er that i'd prefer it to be, but at least i'm not as miserable. I like to think that when i'm not feeling miserable, then i'm somewhere near to the edge of that feeling known as 'joy'. I don't have to feel at the top of the world to be happy, honestly. Just as long as i'm no where near suicidal or depressed, then i guess i'm totally contempt with that being my version of 'happy'. So yeah, i've been in a better place this week. The only annoying thing right now is the fact that my first term exam is coming up and let's just say i'm as prepared as a caveman in a nuclear war. That, and how my laptop is being a complete piece of poop to me. It's moving so slow, i could have discovered a new species of llama before i could successfully transfer a file of 200mb from my picture library into my empty CD. Just, oh my god. I can't do anything on the damn thing and it's not like i'm in the position to ask for a new laptop, but it's really running low on space. I can't dump any of my stuff anywhere because i have no empty space to dump them into. No free flashdrive, no empty DVDs lying around. There are like a shit ton of things i've been dying to download from the net but i can't BECAUSE MY LAPTOP IS A FUCKING OBESE WHO'S GOT DIABETES AND IS DYING. This is really getting on my last nerve. Ugh.

I Don't Want To Breathe

  I just realized how serious the situation has gotten. It's no longer a matter of can't, but rather a matter of don't. Don't what? I don't want to live anymore. I can't take being a disappointment to my family and i can't take being in a world that is completely opposed to my very existence. Some might even say an alien would make a better neighbour than i ever will be, but they should know one tiny thing about me. And that is i didn't choose this. I didn't choose to be the weird one of the family, i didn't choose to be born into this world. Unfortunately for me, i wasn't given much of an option. but if i were to be asked a question, "What's your dying wish?", i would answer, "i wish i was never born" in less than a heartbeat. Maybe i wouldn't have answered it this way a few years ago, heck maybe even a few days ago, but things have changed. In a matter of hours, i have found a reason not to take another breath in this cold world i call my home.

  Being in my house, being around my family, has become a some sort of respiratory-like problem for me. I feel strangled, suffocated and many times i found myself wanting to just let go of all effort to get oxygen back into my dying lungs because what good is a body without a soul? And that's exactly how i am right now. I roam around house with a blank expression not because i'm not there, but because i wish i wasn't there. I wish i could stop feeling so much so i did. I don't respond as much to anyone anymore because if i did, my walls might break. I will never let them have control over my feelings ever again, not if i can do something about it because right now, i'm succumbing to them, to their meaningless yet so lethal words, and i feel like i'm drowning.

  My mind is a blank page right now. I can feel my eyes losing whatever gleam of life they had in them before. Slowly, my body will get in phase with my mind until that day i cease to feel anything anymore. When that they comes, i hope i won't be alive to see it.

Alone And Very Much Lonely

  Chinese New Year is almost here and looking at how this festival has so much to do with family and togetherness, wow it's just an iron fist through the heart. Everybody has been asking asking everybody else "hey have you done your CNY shopping yet?" "Oh my mom's taking me this weekend". As for myself, i only wish i could say the same. My friends and their families are out shopping together for nice CNY clothes, some of them are even baking or making those Chinese cookies with their mother while i'm sitting at home waiting for my mom to return home from wherever she is and when she does get back, she showers, eats and heads back out again. During the times when she doesn't head back out, she's watching tv, sleeping or talking about herself. I was hoping that maybe you know, my grandma would ask me to go out with her to do some shopping or whatever, but those words never did come. I waited and waited and waited, until four days before CNY when i realized i'm on my own. Shopping for clothes with them has become a foreign activity so i had to do it myself or not do it at all.

  I went out alone. Walked through shops and shops alone. Tried on clothes alone. Bought clothes alone. Everything i did, i did on my own and i even used my own money. Maybe i shouldn't been feeling this way because i'm becoming an adult and it's time i start doing things on my own, but i can't help it. Everyone has their family thing and i have my laptop and music. As great as that sounds, it's not enough. It will never be enough.

  I had to hear from others that my dad's back again. YAY PAPA'S BACK SO HAPPY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Um no, as much glad as i am to hear that my father's back in town, i'm also on the verge of breaking down because someone else had to tell me that my own father is back. I didn't hear it from him, it's been days but he still hasn't bothered to tell me. I don't know if it's because he feels guilty or awkward or afraid that being back here would bring some sort of negative impact on my brother and i, which it did but it doesn't change the fact that he's here and he obviously doesn't want to let us know that he's here. That shit hurts okay. Being abandoned is one thing, being ignored is another. Right here, right now, I'm being abandoned by my own dad, and ignored by my own mom. How does it feel like to be me? Just great. You'd think my grandma would've been more aware towards my feelings and shit but nope, she's too caught up in hating her daughter-in-law from China to actually care about anything else. I don't think they realize that i actually feel, and i feel a lot, most of the time a little too much. My dad, he understands that i can be sad too but there's something more important to him in life now than his messed up 17-year old daughter. I'm kind of like the little blip that he'll always notice, but would never have a reason to understand it better.

  I'm a blip in everyone's lives, but if they try hard enough, they wouldn't even see me anymore. Sometimes, just sometimes, i wish i wasn't a blip, or anything at all. Sometimes, i wish i wasn't born.

Losing It

  It's getting worse. I'm getting worse. I'm finding it nearly impossible to stay alert in most classes and my finals are coming up. Ten months isn't exactly a short time but in my case in might as well be two days because i can't effing concentrate. I can't pull myself to wanna study or get better or whatever. I was doing some additional mathematics exercises just now and for the whole time, all i was thinking about was how i don't know how to do this and how i'm going to flunk my upcoming add math paper. I cannot afford to flunk any paper this year and there i was sitting in class doing nothing but preparing to flunk the paper. What the hell is wrong with me. It's like i'm getting dumber and dumber by the day. I can't remember anything anymore, i see things but i don't, i can't focus, i can't read, i don't eat as much. The only thing i don't have a problem with is sleeping. Maybe that's the culprit of all these shit happening to me. Maybe i've been sleeping too much.

  I really do try listening in class, but zoning out comes almost immediately and naturally like the waves of an ocean. I feel like i'm a freaking pendulum, swinging in and out in and out in and out. I want to stay in so badly but i can't stop myself. Everything feels unstoppable nowadays. Me zoning out, the unhealthy train of thoughts forming in my head all the time. I want it to stop. I need it to stop. I need me to stop being me for this year or for the rest of my life. I want to become the clear-headed person who doesn't have so much mental shit going on in her mind. I don't even remember what i think about most of the time, but i just remember be not being able to see whatever that's in front of me that i need to see. I can't block out the things that i don't need but i block out things that i'm in dire need of. Sometimes when i try too hard, things get blurry and i don't really see words as comprehensive anymore. I feel overwhelmed and light-headed. I feel dumb and lost and never being able to find a way back. What's happening to me. How do i stop it. How do i stop me.