I Don't Want To Breathe

  I just realized how serious the situation has gotten. It's no longer a matter of can't, but rather a matter of don't. Don't what? I don't want to live anymore. I can't take being a disappointment to my family and i can't take being in a world that is completely opposed to my very existence. Some might even say an alien would make a better neighbour than i ever will be, but they should know one tiny thing about me. And that is i didn't choose this. I didn't choose to be the weird one of the family, i didn't choose to be born into this world. Unfortunately for me, i wasn't given much of an option. but if i were to be asked a question, "What's your dying wish?", i would answer, "i wish i was never born" in less than a heartbeat. Maybe i wouldn't have answered it this way a few years ago, heck maybe even a few days ago, but things have changed. In a matter of hours, i have found a reason not to take another breath in this cold world i call my home.

  Being in my house, being around my family, has become a some sort of respiratory-like problem for me. I feel strangled, suffocated and many times i found myself wanting to just let go of all effort to get oxygen back into my dying lungs because what good is a body without a soul? And that's exactly how i am right now. I roam around house with a blank expression not because i'm not there, but because i wish i wasn't there. I wish i could stop feeling so much so i did. I don't respond as much to anyone anymore because if i did, my walls might break. I will never let them have control over my feelings ever again, not if i can do something about it because right now, i'm succumbing to them, to their meaningless yet so lethal words, and i feel like i'm drowning.

  My mind is a blank page right now. I can feel my eyes losing whatever gleam of life they had in them before. Slowly, my body will get in phase with my mind until that day i cease to feel anything anymore. When that they comes, i hope i won't be alive to see it.

Alone And Very Much Lonely

  Chinese New Year is almost here and looking at how this festival has so much to do with family and togetherness, wow it's just an iron fist through the heart. Everybody has been asking asking everybody else "hey have you done your CNY shopping yet?" "Oh my mom's taking me this weekend". As for myself, i only wish i could say the same. My friends and their families are out shopping together for nice CNY clothes, some of them are even baking or making those Chinese cookies with their mother while i'm sitting at home waiting for my mom to return home from wherever she is and when she does get back, she showers, eats and heads back out again. During the times when she doesn't head back out, she's watching tv, sleeping or talking about herself. I was hoping that maybe you know, my grandma would ask me to go out with her to do some shopping or whatever, but those words never did come. I waited and waited and waited, until four days before CNY when i realized i'm on my own. Shopping for clothes with them has become a foreign activity so i had to do it myself or not do it at all.

  I went out alone. Walked through shops and shops alone. Tried on clothes alone. Bought clothes alone. Everything i did, i did on my own and i even used my own money. Maybe i shouldn't been feeling this way because i'm becoming an adult and it's time i start doing things on my own, but i can't help it. Everyone has their family thing and i have my laptop and music. As great as that sounds, it's not enough. It will never be enough.

  I had to hear from others that my dad's back again. YAY PAPA'S BACK SO HAPPY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Um no, as much glad as i am to hear that my father's back in town, i'm also on the verge of breaking down because someone else had to tell me that my own father is back. I didn't hear it from him, it's been days but he still hasn't bothered to tell me. I don't know if it's because he feels guilty or awkward or afraid that being back here would bring some sort of negative impact on my brother and i, which it did but it doesn't change the fact that he's here and he obviously doesn't want to let us know that he's here. That shit hurts okay. Being abandoned is one thing, being ignored is another. Right here, right now, I'm being abandoned by my own dad, and ignored by my own mom. How does it feel like to be me? Just great. You'd think my grandma would've been more aware towards my feelings and shit but nope, she's too caught up in hating her daughter-in-law from China to actually care about anything else. I don't think they realize that i actually feel, and i feel a lot, most of the time a little too much. My dad, he understands that i can be sad too but there's something more important to him in life now than his messed up 17-year old daughter. I'm kind of like the little blip that he'll always notice, but would never have a reason to understand it better.

  I'm a blip in everyone's lives, but if they try hard enough, they wouldn't even see me anymore. Sometimes, just sometimes, i wish i wasn't a blip, or anything at all. Sometimes, i wish i wasn't born.

Losing It

  It's getting worse. I'm getting worse. I'm finding it nearly impossible to stay alert in most classes and my finals are coming up. Ten months isn't exactly a short time but in my case in might as well be two days because i can't effing concentrate. I can't pull myself to wanna study or get better or whatever. I was doing some additional mathematics exercises just now and for the whole time, all i was thinking about was how i don't know how to do this and how i'm going to flunk my upcoming add math paper. I cannot afford to flunk any paper this year and there i was sitting in class doing nothing but preparing to flunk the paper. What the hell is wrong with me. It's like i'm getting dumber and dumber by the day. I can't remember anything anymore, i see things but i don't, i can't focus, i can't read, i don't eat as much. The only thing i don't have a problem with is sleeping. Maybe that's the culprit of all these shit happening to me. Maybe i've been sleeping too much.

  I really do try listening in class, but zoning out comes almost immediately and naturally like the waves of an ocean. I feel like i'm a freaking pendulum, swinging in and out in and out in and out. I want to stay in so badly but i can't stop myself. Everything feels unstoppable nowadays. Me zoning out, the unhealthy train of thoughts forming in my head all the time. I want it to stop. I need it to stop. I need me to stop being me for this year or for the rest of my life. I want to become the clear-headed person who doesn't have so much mental shit going on in her mind. I don't even remember what i think about most of the time, but i just remember be not being able to see whatever that's in front of me that i need to see. I can't block out the things that i don't need but i block out things that i'm in dire need of. Sometimes when i try too hard, things get blurry and i don't really see words as comprehensive anymore. I feel overwhelmed and light-headed. I feel dumb and lost and never being able to find a way back. What's happening to me. How do i stop it. How do i stop me.

Me Again

  I've decided to let go of writing as a completely different person. Okay, so maybe we weren't exactly 'completely different'. I might miss thinking in that way again so you never know when i'll go back to my "Dear friend" phase. Oh and i remember the name of the persona of the book/movie. His name's Charlie. Moving on, it is the third week(??) since school began and i haven't done anything remotely productive that could assist me in getting better results for my finals. How the heck am i supposed to be a better student with the attitude and mindset that i still bare in me? I promised myself at the end of last year that i'd try my best to be a different person so i can prove to God and everybody else that i'm more than just some lazy, messed up teenager seeking for attention from neglectful parents. Everyday, no wait, every second of my day, i'm reminded of what i've become. My grandma always criticizing me on my weight, my hair, my studies, my attitude, my mom telling me off about nothing because all she ever talks about is herself and her life and the rest of my family expressing their decomposing faith in me about how i'd perform in my finals.

  It gets tiring listening to them and seeing them think of me as the failure of the family. I know i've got loads more to disappoint them in the near future, but for now, everything that i'm going through has already been a little too much for me to handle. God knows how i'm going the survive the next 30 years of my life. I have all these problems bottled up that i can't tell anyone because there isn't anyone for me to tell, but sooner or later i end up telling you though when i do, i don't feel as horrible as i did then so nothing much actually gets told and the problems are still left unsolved, collecting even more dust from anger, hate and sadness that i've acquired little by little.

  This morning i woke up in peace and it was great getting out of bed without seeing anybody or anything that might cause my mood to take a turn for the worse but the moment i get out of shower, dressed up and walked out of the room, the mental disruptions began. It started off with my grandma. I couldn't blame her though because she's going through a lot too, but it's just very nerve-wrecking to have someone ruin your second-favorite day of the week with bad news especially if you've already had a week of b.s. She continued to wreck my morning with family gossip and even worse family news. As soon as she started talking and thinking about it, she couldn't stop. I tried to talk some sense into her, telling her not to overthink because things might not be as bad as she thought but she just continued and it was just annoying. I was having breakfast and there she was listing out every single problem our family has faced since the beginning of the dino era and all i could think about while she went on and on is how sorry i felt for not being about to tolerate her complaints and her telling me about her problems because the truth was that i wanted so bad to understand, to listen to whatever she has to say because she's my grandmother and i love her, but i just can't. All i hear are screams. And the more she talks, the louder it gets.

  And then afterwards when i went up to my room to try to shut everything out, my kakak walked in and she was all, "Can you clean your desk? Can you organize your books? Do you need this paper? How about this flashdrive?" And i answered no i'm trying to read my book can you please be quiet because i was in fact, trying to read my Biology book but i failed to do so because some family member couldn't stay quiet for five minutes. She was silent for maybe 45 seconds then she started up again. "Val you have to clean your stuff how will you ever find a boyfriend. No husband will ever tolerate your habits and behavior. Guys will avoid you." This is what i have to deal with on a daily basis. You have no idea how many times i wanted to just throw a naked picture of a girl in their face and scream I DON'T EVEN WANT GUYS. Everyday they remind me of how much i'll be needing a man in my life and blabla and I honestly do not give two rat's ass about how much i need a guy in my adult life or how i should prepare myself so people with dicks would find me worthwhile and put a wedding ring up my finger and live happily ever after.

  Screw you and your assumptions and your stupid perspective of life. PEACE.

Dear Friend Again

18 January 2014

Dear friend,

  I am about to tell a story about myself. Nobody knows about yet and that is why I decided to share with you so you become the first person to ever know about this. I am typing in this way again because this a personal story but I would like to not be affected in any way as I form these sentences in my head. Thinking like this make things a little different because it feels like I am telling a story about someone else rather than myself and just maybe I would not feel as sad and disturbed by it. This is a very good way to see and think of things from a different perspective. 

  A short period of time ago I was diagnosed with "Mild Depression". I will not say too much about how I knew about it because it does not matter since I kind of have known all along. I might have seen this coming but I never really thought that something like this would actually become a part of my life. I guess I would not say that I am shocked by it but a while has passed since I received news of my mental state and things feel a little more different now. It feels like I am categorized and I am officially labeled as a mentally disturbed person. I also feel different because I don't cry every time something bad or sad happens to someone I know or in the movies they shown on TV anymore. I still feel a little down at times but not down enough to bring water back into my eyes and sometimes when I stare up towards the white ceiling of my bedroom I don't think of walls crashing or parents screaming anymore. Sometimes I just stare and not really think of anything in particular. 

  But of course there are also the bad days where I go to school and all I can think about is going home or finding a secret corner in school to cry or beat myself up at. I don't like the bad days. I feel like I am a needle in everyone's eyes and every second I spend around people is another second of their lives I wasted and I don't want them to think of me as a person of negativity but honestly I just don't want anybody to think of me. I am like a virus to their mind, spreading an incurable disease and one day they are going to realize what I have done and pin me on the board for being a sorry excuse of a friend. I don't want to be the friend that everybody regrets befriending. I don't want to be remembered as the weak, pathetic, needy little child that breaks down as easy as an old car and this is me over-thinking. According to people over-thinking is bad because we may or may not be making things up in our head and it's these 'things' that make our lives miserable and not worth living.

  I don't know. I just feel different and I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing.

Yours truly,

Valerie.

The Perks of Being A Fan of The Perks of Being A Wallflower

5 January 2014

Dear friend,

  I am dedicating this blog update to The Perks of Being A Wallflower, both the movie and book. Therefore, I am trying my best to write in a way that is somewhat similar to Perks, the original book version of course. I would not say i have fallen head over heels for the 'franchise', but it has enlighten some darker parts of my life. I will talk a little about the book first just to make things a little clearer to you, my dearest friend. I hope from the bottom of my heart that by the end this blog update you will understand the message I am trying to send you and that you would continue being supportive of me like you did before despise what people might say about people like me. Perks is an interesting book that should be made into one of those English Lit book that they make us read at school even though it would be much less appropriate but I really believe that the book is able to teach many things to students, maybe even to people like me. It talks about the life of a wallflower. I didn't understand the term 'wallflower' before so i asked my mom the other day about it and she said to me, "A wallflower is someone who stands or hangs around by the wall when a social activity like a dance is happening." It was a literal way of explaining but I think I know what the word means now. It's someone who isn't good with crowds or with anyone actually so they end up by the wall alone or alone with other people who are also alone. The persona in the book, a teenager named, I don't remember his name but that's okay because I remember the other two names who are equally important as the persona in the book but it is a little weird that I can't remember the most important name of all. The persona is a boy who is a wallflower. He doesn't know how to talk to people or make people laugh or fit in or anything like that. He would like to but he just doesn't seem to get noticed by people his age or anyone else from school. Also he is suffering from depression and doesn't seem to be very good at keeping himself in check but things got better once he started seeing people whom he called friends. He was okay for a while as long as his friends were talking to him and making him feel like he was there and that he mattered but once they leave things got bad again. And the book is about him getting from bad to good to great to bad to really bad and to okay again. I know many would not find this very interesting or time-worthy but it feels like a breath of fresh air to me.

  I realized that this is not talking a little about the book but I really like talking about it because it means I don't have to think about other things that might ruin the moment. Maybe I'll just keep talking about the book. I am a fan of Perks because unlike any other movies I've seen with the exception of The Silver Lining's Playbook it feels very raw and weird and real and all over the place in a good way. It's like you never know what is going to happen because in books or movies like these anything can happen and watching or reading them makes me feel like it's true. They can go from happy to rage in a matter of seconds but it happens without making things too crazy for you to understand which is a good thing because I have problem understanding things sometimes. I like the movie version of it because it is absolutely accurate to whatever happens in the book and that isn't something easy to achieve. The actors and actresses who played their part in the movie as the characters from the book did an impressive job. They made it real. They made the book come alive even more than it already is. Also the movie has a great selection of music even though they might not be my favorite genre but they really do bring out a lot from the movie. I don't know how to explain what exactly the soundtrack brings out but it is something amazing and good and it is worth listening to when the movie plays out in front of you.

  I hope that this blog update will not be ridiculed because it takes a lot for someone who doesn't normally talk or think or type like this to talk and think and type like this. I say again how refreshing it is to be able to think in a way that is no where similar to my usual way of thinking. It is refreshing and interesting so I would very much like to do this again. Maybe on my next blog update I would but I promise I won't talk so much on Perks but maybe a little something about me because if you were really interested in Perks you would be searching it up on Google and not reading my update.

Yours truly,

Valerie.

B-I-T-C-H

  I've just been called a bitch. And you know what's worse than being called a bitch? It's being called a bitch by your own mother. And you know what's worse than being called a bitch by your own mother? It's being called a bitch by your own mother knowing that she meant what she said. When she first said it, i felt myself drowning in some sort of pathetic pool of anger which i've gathered earlier on from the nagging from my family about how i should really put more pressure into my studies and everything else should just cease to exist in my life for this year. I was angry because they might not know this, but i'm pressured enough as it is. Being told that i've been a disappointment to my mother, to my grandmother, a few years back was enough to leave a wound behind and i never quite got over it. I was never the same after that. Everyday was a constant reminder of what a loser i've become, that i didn't deserve the life that i have before me. I guess that was the beginning of my journey of wilting away.

  After being called a bitch, i just couldn't stop the tears from forming behind my already blurring eyes. I'm fully aware of the fact that yes, i'm a bitch, but it's different when you hear those words coming from the woman who has given you your life. I know i should've been used to it by now, hearing insulting comments and harsh words from my mother, but you know, it still hurts every time she says it. If i could stop myself from being so weak, so sensitive towards people's opinion towards me, i would, but this isn't people. This is my mom. My mom who loves me i'm sure, from the deepest part of her heart. My mom who loves food almost as much as she loves her family. My mom who always says things that kills me without knowing it. My mom who would probably hate me when she finds out that i'm much, much more of a disappointment than she ever credited me to be.

  Haha, i wish i was all smiles and laughing as i typed this out, but i'm not. With every sentence that forms in my head, a single tear formed from the tearing of my heart drops down on the bed i'm lying on. I tell myself, it's not that bad, words are just words, they don't cause any sort of physical pain. Who said anything about physical pain? My friend said something to me the other day at school, something which i think a lot of us can relate to. "I feel like i'm drowning but everyone around me can breathe." Notice that the persona mentions the word 'feel' because nothing's really happening, she's not drowning in some ocean, and neither are the people around her, but it's just all in her head. Things might not be happening physically, but mentally, you can see it all fall into place. You can see the blade on your wrists as it cuts deeper and deeper. You can see the dagger in your chest as someone pushes it further in, while in reality you're lying in your room, looking up at the ceiling. Either way, the pain is there. You don't see the blood oozing out from your wounds, but that doesn't make the pain more bearable. Not being able to see the exact spot of your wound makes it impossible to detect where the pain is coming from, and by not knowing the source of your pain, how can you fix yourself? How do you fix something that's broken without knowing what's broken?

  Or maybe there are too many broken pieces to fix and you just don't know where to start. And even if you managed to fix something, what's the point when there's more to be broken down again? Peace.