Good Friday

Hey... um, so today's Good Fri. Nothing's up for me today. Well, just gonna tell ya that we got second place for the basketball competition. Lost our first match during finals against a really rough, and good team. Okay, other than that, i have nothing else to say about last week, except that i missed like two week of school!! First week was because of debate, then the week after that was basketball. And well, this week, i learned nothing at school because it was obvious that i couldn't catch whatever most of the teachers are saying. Plus, my specs broke on wed. NOT MY FAULT, I'M INNOCENT.

I was in the car. I took my specs off so that i could doze off for a moment and who knew that my 1.5 L of water would break my specs? It just fell on it, therefore crushing it, i guess. So, i couldn't turn back to get my spare one as i was already almost reaching the school. Yea, i went to school without my specs. I was kinda blind as everything i see, is a blur. And that was also why i couldn't concentrate in class, because i had a killer headache caused by my almost-blindness. That afternoon was hell, man.

Anyway, that's everything i wanna tell about that awful day. Now, i just wanna sit back and relax. Again, MAY MY STUPIDITY LEAD THE GOOD WAY.

Basketball, yea?

Well, this is the second day of the kuching under 15 gals interschool basketball competition. Competition spot is at my school and thank God for that, cuz we're more fimilar with the surrounding there. So, the last match today was already our fourth match since the competition started. And, we won all four! Yeah, us! Correction, yeah, them! I mean, they play more than the other five of us on the team so i guess mostly, it's just them! LOL. Anyways, for the last match of the day, which was us against some-other-school-whom-i-don't-wanna-name, almost half of our team suffered from injuries. Though they're not heavy injuries, it is best to stay on alert mode on them. I myself, got knocked down and kicked at by the opposing team, but there were no heavy injuries for me. WHEW. But my right arm's still a bit sore if someone touches it. Okay, so technically, tomorrow we're up against some science school which are better than we expected them to be. We so hope to beat them so we can get ourselves into the final. So, this is pretty much my Tuesday to Thursday update, i guess. PEACE. And may me and my team make it to the finals, and WIN. BE THE CHAMPS, champs :D

Aww, man

Alright. It's a Sunday today, which is also a day for me to catch up with my last week's homework which i missed four days of because of a debate in SwinBurne. Anyways, my plan to stay at home, and lock myself in my room with my few stacks of school books went *kapoof* when i find myself attending a St John Amubulance duty in some Hot Spring place called...called Annah Rian or something.. It was an hour and half drive from HQ to this place. My mates for the duty, Karen, Ashley and Garryson were the only ones other than me who attended.

Well, this is my second duty after my previous one about a month ago for the Tugas Awam Pertolongan Cemas sempena Kejohanan Olahraga MSS Bahagian Kuching 2011. LOL. I gotta say, I find the duties enjoying though my duty today was, well, what i would like to call a 'dead duty'. There are no cases at all, and somehow, i ended up being the one getting sick. Yea, i got sick. CARSICK.

The ride up was fine i guess. Karen and her mouth kept us entertained enough and we were all pumped up with energy, so the ride was just fine. Again, i must say, we were there for nothin'. All we did there was stand there, stretcher on one side, and a first aid pouch in one of our hands. There was a fan at our standing spot, quite similar to Fuk Ada, but smaller in size. Just too bad it occasionally stopped. Electrical malfuntion, i assumed. Anyway, it was our first time seeing a hot spring. Most of us didn't even know there was a hot spring somewhere not so far out of Kuching.

So, we had our lunch. I had MY lunch, which if you know me well, you would be like 'ahh'. In case if you didn't know, i eat a lot. So, yea. And who knew that right after lunch, they gave us the greenlight to head back to town. I was yeah-ing and happy that we get to head home earlier than i expected, but little did i know that, an hour and a half ride through bumpy roads and in an old fashioned, air condition-less fan with no back support in the seats will cause me to barf. Yes, i barfed. For the first time in 3 straight years. Thought i was gonna break my personal record, but no. I just had to puke after the ride.

I was already feeling super uneasy and drowsy in the car after like 20 minutes of departure. I wanted to go unconcious, so that i won't have to feel this terrible feeling of puking, but that did not happen. I managed to hang tight for that long, long, long journey until we reached HQ. Just after the car stopped and everyone hoppped outta the car, i reached for my backpack, which only carried my bottle and a pair of slippers, but it weighed a tonne when i carried it to the corridor of HQ.

I seriously could feel my legs below me go weak and jelly-ish while my whole body continued on to push myself on to climb the two steps of stairs. And after that, I went down. I threw my bag on the floor and just trembled into a lying postion. I layed there, feeling really, really, really bad. I was thinking HOLD IT, HOLD IT. But then, it still came. I would feel sick again if i descibed whatever that came so, i'll just refer to that as 'it', yea? So, it just sorta came. I was not used to that feeling, so i just went with the flow. I started puking before i knew it. I guessed non of the others saw me when it happened, they were like busily carrying down item from the car. Still, they managed to spot me in that disgusting condition. After i stopped, which was quite fast, i got up on my feet, gained balance and head straight to the washroom. The good thing about all this is that, i felt better, A HELL LOT better after i puked. Haha. So, that's my puking story for today. Wow. Wish there won't be another day like this no more. Again, may my stupidity lead the way.

Empty...

Mmm. I hate the feeling of not being able to feel anything. It's like my heart's kinda empty but whenever i try to fill in some things, it just doesn't work. Kinda like eating chilies which are super spicy and still not rushing to your water bottle after that. Why do i feel empty? 'Cause i have nothing more important in life to feel about, right now. LOL. Actually, i do have...something in life that i really feel heavy about. It's always in my mind, probably even half of my awake time. No kidding. But, it's kinda a stupid thing. Yea, it's what most people my age have, but...i just... Okay, it's hard for me as i... hmm.. i have no words to describe how depressed, empty, and how excited i am. They're all mixed feelings. How am i supposed to feel right if i can feel almost anything...? Gawd, help me.

O.O test time

After all those years of spending time on stupid things which i shall not name, I've finally found that time is going really fast. A bit too fast. And it won't stop, no matter how hard i tend to get down to my knees and plead. I'm serious. Don't believe me? FINE, I'll supply you with an example.

Just few weeks ago, people in school mentioned about the upcoming 'Ringkasan' test. Right then, it seemed like there's still a hell lot of time before it actually arrives. Who knew that even before i know it, it was already knocking down my door and i only have three more days before it really reaches me. And guess what? I haven't even started really study yet. Yea, of course i studied now and then. But those were just 'studying', not that kind of 'studying studying'. Most of the time, my 'studyingx2' is pushed to the far end of my mind and only reappear when the test is near, as in like the next day.

I'm more of a last minute person, so yea. I'm not as nervous about this upcoming test, whatever the reason. AND THAT'S ABNORMAL. Even for a freako like me, as you know. I'm never the one who can keep cool when there's a blackout. So, for most of my past test, I freaked, had numerous meltdowns, but still went through the test with an ache in the pit of my tummy.

Okay, I've simply ran out of things to say so I'll stop right here. Wish me luck for my test. May my stupidity guide me to the right way

I'm just So Down

Yes, I'm down today. So down that i can even feel the hellish flame upon me. Oh, how much i wish for a downpour today, so that i could let tears drop from my eyes as i watch rain drops outside my window. It may be able to help with washing away all pain, all sadness. The sorrow in me right now craves for the rain and also, all the really, really sad songs that make me wanna cry harder. Guess it just flows right with my feelings. All i wanna do is lock myself in my room with all the curtains down, stopping the ray of light from entering the room and let the room blast with SAD MUSIC that soothes some of the pain, but not all.

This way, i won't have to talk about my feelings, i let the music speak itself. There's nothing more soothing than letting all the sad, full of meaning lyrics streaming into my ears while i sing along with the song, choking back warm, hard tears every now and then. I don't care if i soak my pillow, i don't care if i wet the whole bed. Hell, i won't even give a damn if i flood my whole house, as long as the tears that needs to be out of my system are out, so be it.

I feel like letting myself go. Just go. I don't care about where, but just somewhere other than here, where both good and terrible memories formed in the past. Nobody ever finds comfort reminiscing, missing the past. What's the use anyway? It's not like we can go back to the past. What has happened has happened, so why still concentrate, regret, and miss about the past? It's not some place where you can just visit once you start missing it. Memories. Yes, there are always tremandously good memories hidden among the horrible ones in the past. Whatever it is, happy or painful, i try my very best to push them all back to the back of my mind and don't think about it. What matters now is NOW and the FUTURE.

But damn, it's impossible to push all those crappy feelings away now. It's gonna be here for at least...an eternity? All i can do is, fake a smile, make funny jokes which everyone laughs at while inside, i'm trying to scream as loud as possible. I'm gonna put up my best. So good that when one looks at me and all they can say about me is, "That funny girl. She must be in one hell of a joyful life." No second thoughts about me being sad or whatsoever. Just plain ol' JOY word tattooed over my face.

Wish me luck, people.

7/1/11 The Future...Uh huh

Alright, this time, the future. Hmm... i wonder about the future like, more than half of my awake time, so basically you can tell that i'm sort of jumpy about it, especially when my english teacher brought up the subject in class about our future occupation. The word 'future' is something that i doubt even fortune tellers can be sure that it's gonna happen. Sure, there people who can see the future. Yea, i believe them. But, guys, do you really believe that everything in the future will REALLY happen? It's just a possibility. There are always options, for sure. Nobody ever said that the future is permanent, that it simply can't be changed. It can change, as long as you want it too, but of course, with efforts.

So, back to the story. I felt more alert than ever when Mdm. Loh, enligsh teacher, said 'future job'. I looked up at her and widen my eyes. She asked us what do we dream of doing, what's our future job gonna be. I backed myself into deep thoughts again, thinking about what i would be doing in another 10 years. Maybe a doctor? Lawyer? Scientist? Then, Mdm. Loh said something that stirred me up. "Maybe something extraordinary, out of the box?" she suggested.

And that led me back into my thoughts. Something out of the box? Like an animal instructor? Or a farmer? An ice-cream man perhaps? Weird, but extraordinary, like Mdm. Loh said. Those could have been great choices except for one tiny problem...they are not in my interest. Yes, I want an out of the world job. But no, I don't want an out of the world job if i dread every moment of it. So, the solution? Find an out of the world job that amazes me. How hard can that be? Well, it probably will be the closest to not so possible. I mean, a job will be a job, as long as it pays.

But, maybe i could get one that i actually enjoy. Like what? An Anthropologist? A forensic scientist? Maybe even a shrink? The problem with that is it's too hard. Too complicated. Everything about it speaks confusing. So, what else is there for me?

10 years.. it's not really gonna take a long time to reach me. I do hope i'll think of something for my future job. Crossing my fingers about it.

May my stupidity lead the way and guide me through....everything, if it's not that much to ask.