I'm just So Down

Yes, I'm down today. So down that i can even feel the hellish flame upon me. Oh, how much i wish for a downpour today, so that i could let tears drop from my eyes as i watch rain drops outside my window. It may be able to help with washing away all pain, all sadness. The sorrow in me right now craves for the rain and also, all the really, really sad songs that make me wanna cry harder. Guess it just flows right with my feelings. All i wanna do is lock myself in my room with all the curtains down, stopping the ray of light from entering the room and let the room blast with SAD MUSIC that soothes some of the pain, but not all.

This way, i won't have to talk about my feelings, i let the music speak itself. There's nothing more soothing than letting all the sad, full of meaning lyrics streaming into my ears while i sing along with the song, choking back warm, hard tears every now and then. I don't care if i soak my pillow, i don't care if i wet the whole bed. Hell, i won't even give a damn if i flood my whole house, as long as the tears that needs to be out of my system are out, so be it.

I feel like letting myself go. Just go. I don't care about where, but just somewhere other than here, where both good and terrible memories formed in the past. Nobody ever finds comfort reminiscing, missing the past. What's the use anyway? It's not like we can go back to the past. What has happened has happened, so why still concentrate, regret, and miss about the past? It's not some place where you can just visit once you start missing it. Memories. Yes, there are always tremandously good memories hidden among the horrible ones in the past. Whatever it is, happy or painful, i try my very best to push them all back to the back of my mind and don't think about it. What matters now is NOW and the FUTURE.

But damn, it's impossible to push all those crappy feelings away now. It's gonna be here for at least...an eternity? All i can do is, fake a smile, make funny jokes which everyone laughs at while inside, i'm trying to scream as loud as possible. I'm gonna put up my best. So good that when one looks at me and all they can say about me is, "That funny girl. She must be in one hell of a joyful life." No second thoughts about me being sad or whatsoever. Just plain ol' JOY word tattooed over my face.

Wish me luck, people.