Vitamin B6

  Wow. Wah. Hooooo(in a relaxed way). This is literally how i feel right now. Is this what people call euphoria? I have no idea what the word means but right now, all i know is that i feel great. I feel great!!!! What else can i say about me feeling great? It's just really...great? Superbly great. Extremely great. Wonderful.

  I'm currently trying to not get down from this high, if you can call this "high", while attempting to detect the source of me feeling like this out of the blue. Out of the blue? OUT OF THE FUCKING BLUE. LITERALLY. LIKE OUT OF THE BLUE, I FIND MYSELF OUT OF THE BLUES. WOW. WHAT IS THIS MAGIC. SORCERY. WIZARDRY. WOOOOOOHOOOOO!

  Okay, so why am i feeling like this? Maybe because i just finished this series i've been watching since CNY started, or was it before? No idea, but wow. It's an amazing series, with really talented actors, actresses and scriptwriters and music selectors and directors all that jizz. To be completely honest, i didn't think much of the series when my mom bought it at a local store. The DVD cover didn't appealed to me at all, and neither did the main actor and actress so naturally, i just looked past it. I never even gave it a second glance the moment we brought it home and left it on the TV counter until a friend of mine recommended this series she was watching to me and i thought the name of it sounded extremely familiar and what do you know, i have it right here with me. And so, i started watching and getting horribly addicted(like i always do) to a Korean drama called "It's Okay, That's Love." What differed this series from all the lovey-dovey crap every teenager has watched because everybody else was watching it is that, this series clearly isn't for teenagers below the age of 18 or whatever legal age for sex. It had a shit ton of sexual content, not in a visual sense but more in a conversational sense. Like, the characters are constantly talking about sex. And when they aren't, they're on kissing mode and although that's as far as it goes, lip contact or whatever contact shared between two hormonal, single adults of the opposite sex will always leave an impression, be it positive or negative, in children's mind.

  But i liked it. I'm like 18 this year so whatever. I thought the series was very much appropriate for any kind of audience(definitely not kids though) as long as they know self-control and just, common sense on what to do and what not to do, i guess? So, it's a drama that centers itself around a psychiatrist and her life with her two other roommates and her mom and her handicapped dad and a future boyfriend-but-husband-to-be who turns out to be more troubled by his own mind than his violent, abusive and very misguided older brother. Yeah, so it's complicated, but just complicated enough to get people to want to continue watching it or stop watching stupid series like High Kick 4 or whatever to watch this one.

  Furthermore, i absolutely love this series because 1)Adult humor 2)Un-cliched lines 3)THE FUCKING MUSIC. Oh my goodness, i've always been a little obsessive and crazy when it comes the OST's of K-Dramas but this one really just takes the cake. I'm not sure if it's only because it's the most recent good series i've watched but jesus, the songs they play are no joke. A nice mixture of English and Korean songs can be heard throughout the series and i love how they put in English songs because in my opinion, it has made the series much more relatable and emotional. Relatable because like hello, not everyone who watches it are Korean and emotional because since the lyrics can be easily understood by all races, it means absolutely everyone can feel what the director or scriptwriters or whatever wanted us to feel. Like, the message was clearly sent. Crystal-clearly sent. Beautiful, beautiful job. Skora for you, directors and people who selected the music.

  Although the series itself is very dark, one of the darkest i've ever come across honestly, the mood of the whole thing just gets lifted up by the wonderful songs that are being played. The series was very well-balanced and i think we've got the music to thank for. The songs aren't exactly happy or joyful, they're more uplifting than anything. So, it didn't matter if it was a scene where the stepdad was beating the shit out of the two brothers or where the younger brother was being physically abused by the stepdad then the older brother, in that order, i just felt really peaceful watching it with one of the songs playing in the background. Yes, i felt sad. Yes, i might have cried. But it was a different kind of sadness. Like, there's the heartbreaking, gut-wrenching sadness that is further intensified by the ballad music with the singer's voice being all emotional and "in-the-zone" that makes you want to cuss out and cry your tear ducts dry and then, there's this. The peaceful, understandable kind of sadness.

  The most memorable song of the series would be "Hero" by Family of the Year with lyrics that go, "Let me go, I don't want to be your hero." I lost track of how many times i lost myself when a scene that was well-suited for the song came up. It's just ugh, amazing. I don't know. Surreal. The whole thing felt so surreal for me, especially with the song. Yeah, so. Great series. Great music. They make me so goddamn happy despite the actual situation it was meant for.

  Another reason why i might be feeling so happy right now could be because of this...vitamin i've been taking since yesterday. I haven't been sleeping well like i said, so my grandma took me to this pharmacist who prescribed me with these Vitamin B6 tablets. It's supposed to make me sleep better and i can't say that it worked splendidly but at least it got its job done. I looked up the vitamin online too and guess what? It plays a big part in the mentally-disturbed side of the human race. People with depression, anxiety and insomnia have been known to take this supplement because apparently it helps with some neurotransmitter thing in our brain and does a lot of good stuff to mood and stuff. So, i was literally jumping with joy yelling "hell yaaas" when i discovered all this. I've had high hopes for it since the beginning and now that i'm feeling very good, i'd like to think that it worked.

  I had this weird, sudden moment of relief and peace and joy when i finished the drama and again, i'm not sure if it was just the drama, but point being i feel good. I feel okay. And this is really just great. And so rare. It's really just great. I even feel sleepy. I might just go and sleep. Sighhhhhhhhhhh(in a good way, in the best way possible). I feel good. It feels good to feel good again.

Chaos

Words don't come as i hoped they would
Yet thoughts like these, they never stop
Harassing me, i'm begging please

Hear my plea
I'd do anything just to breathe

I can't wash this blood off
At night i don't sleep at all
Nightmares and memories
Could they be less haunting?
I can't breathe in this pain
If anything's good, it's this rain
At least i know it's not just me
Who's falling and crashing to get some peace

Weatherman says it'll be a storm
Boisterous and harsh as the wind blows
Up a mess, tearing up this place

As He said
Let there only be chaos in her head

I can't wash this blood off
At night i don't sleep at all
Nightmares and memories
Could they be less haunting?
I can't breathe in this pain
If anything's good, it's this rain
At least i know it's not just me
Who's falling and crashing to get some peace

It'll never come
It'll never be
I'll only ever have this agonizing misery

There can only be chaos
Only chaos
Only chaos
In my head

Post-CNY-ish

  So today's the seventh day of the Chinese New Year and there's this tradition where we gotta eat like seven, or is it five, different types of vege mixed into something called "Lui Cha" or however it's spelled. Yeah so we ate it, blahblah, my brother went to school, my mom went to work and i stayed home because i had no school and thank God for that because i've been under the weather for quite a while now. It started on the fourth day of CNY. I woke up with a sore throat but immediately found it weird because it wasn't the type of pain that was excruciating and extreme, which is what my "sore throat" usually felt like. Instead of excruciating pain, my throat just felt sore. Like really, really sore. But not painful sore. Just sore. Does that even make sense? Anyway, it made me feel a little irritated talking so i cut down on the orals and decided to just watch tv instead.

  At night, i had this horribly awkward party i had to attend, which i did. It was awkward as fucking hell because i had but only one friend whom i could talk to and was counting on to show up to make everything more bearable but of course she didn't. The little bitch bailed at the very last minute. It was horrible as flipping shit because not only was i the one friend who didn't know everyone else because we weren't from the same school, heck, we didn't even speak in the same language, but the moron of a host had also conveniently forgotten to inform me that it was a BBQ dinner party i'd be attending, held outside of her house, in her AC-less and fan-less car porch. So there i was, pulling up to her driveway, dressed in a rather thick button-down with a sore throat that was itching to be noticed, seeing all this smoke released from the burning charcoal, and praying to God to make the night less terrible than it already seemed to be. But God was probably in one of his moods that night because as soon as my car came to a stop right in front of her house and i did a little friendly it's-been-five-years-since-we-saw-each-other-but-glad-to-be-here-buddy wave to have nobody wave back, including the stupid ass host, i knew shit was gonna go down. And i was going down with it.

  And down i went. With shit on my back, and my face as i stuffed the remaining broccoli(it was the only edible thing with a sore throat) i had on my plate into my mouth, and finished my third packet of green tea. I proceeded to leaning back into my chair and politely smiling/laughing/nodding/throat-clearing at whatever conversation that was going on. Don't get me wrong, i knew and understood perfectly what they were talking about, but did not have a slightest clue on whoever "Zhang Mao Xian" or "Huang Something" was. I speak the language, educate myself with sufficient amount of their culture in the entertainment industry. I enjoy the heck out of them too but these people who i was sharing a dinner table with jumped from one "red person" to another like ants in a boiling soup. And if they weren't talking about wannabe-celebs(who they worship btw), they were laughing about the latest gossips or jokes circulating the school and i bet they were real funny too if I ACTUALLY WENT TO THEIR STUPID SCHOOL AND KNEW WHO BRIAN OR LEE JING WAS. There was no way i could know whatever hell they were gabbing about and honestly there wasn't any part of me that even wanted to. Not even in the slightest. Stupid, inconsiderate, hostile people.

  It went pretty well though. I made a few friends myself that night. Two girls of the age of 13 and 12 and an 8 year old little boy. Kids are all annoying, so naturally they were too. They also didn't speak English, like at all. I hope i managed to raise awareness in them on how important the language is. I liked them plenty though, because they kept fighting with one another for my undivided attention. Aha-ha, kids. So after that ordeal, i got back home and watched AHS: Coven. Halfway through, i felt like i might have a fever so i took a pill, turned the lights out and went to bed. But sleep did not come that night. Or the morning after. Or in the afternoon. It was even worse at night because the snores that came from my grandma kept me up and frustrated all night. This little stayed-awake-no-matter-how-tired-or-how-much-i-begged-God-to-let-me-fall-asleep fiesta went on for a few nights. My fever went down, my pharyngitis stopped being so...present but i was all out of energy. My headache never ceased to remind me that within all that air i had inside my head, there too, lied a brain. Surprise, surprise.

  So with my head constantly feeling like exploding land mines on a roll, there was little i could do other than pretending to sleep. I couldn't read, watch my series or do anything really. It sucked and it still does. I fucking need to sleep. Do you have any idea how crazy i feel for losing 3 days of sleep? I always feel like i'm on the verge of falling asleep, like as soon as i shut my eyes, i'd be immediately shipped off to dreamland but when i do, it's another firework fiesta. And sleep is the last thing i get. I try so hard, but get so little.

  FUCK YOU SLEEP.

In the Image of You

 I'm frustrated yet again, over the fact that i have a tank full of words in my head and in my heart but can't find the right way to pour them all out. I feel so stuck, the words and the thoughts in my head feel stuck. Even my feelings, the way that my heart explains to me about how i feel, i think they're feeling blocked too. I don't know. I listen to all these music, watch all these films and instead of feeling great, i feel a profound sense of emptiness. And i know for sure that it isn't because the film's some sad, depressing work of a director finally breaking out of the indie field. It's just, they're so beautifully made and beautifully written. You look at them and think to yourself, "wow, look at what people are capable off." And then you think, "if they can come up with these smart lyrics or conversations, why can't i?" That's when you realize it's because. You. Just. Can't.

  It's not like i haven't tried either. Someone told me once that i try too hard. I try too hard at getting people's attention. I try too hard at making friends with other people. I try too hard at writing stuff. I try too hard at becoming someone i just can't be. Maybe i do. I don't exactly know why i do since they don't mean much to me apart from the writing part, but i do. I don't like knowing that someone's seeing my efforts as...bullshit. Because if anyone's supposed to think of what i do as bullshit, then that person should be me. Not people i call friends who are bound to hurt me one way or another someday in the future. It's not fair how God makes me this empty-headed piece of shit who goes through day after day and month after month of self-hatred and then make another living person who somewhat matters to me remind me that i'm an empty-headed piece of shit who needs to stop going through day after day and month after month of self-hatred. The last thing i need is to be reminded that i have to get my shit together because what the hell did you think i was doing for the past year?

  People think i've been doing nothing lately, and it's true. I don't do anything when i'm at home. And it's not some sort of healing process. It's just me getting dumber and dumber by the minute. But i really can't find enough cares in the world to make myself get off the bed and reinvent the evolution of the human race. I just don't care anymore. I don't care if my friends make me feel like shit. I don't care if i'm making myself believe that my friends are making me feel like shit. The more i care, the more it hurts. So, i've decided to just not. They wanna hang out? Fine. They wanna talk about what makes their heart flutter and passion flare? I'll listen. They wanna say goodbye and take off for a month of two without checking in? Alright. It'd still hurt. I'd still cry over it like a pathetic teenager who didn't get enough love and attention from mommy and daddy dearest, who grew up knowing that they were nobody's favorite. But i'll learn to get over it because who else gives two shits when i lie on the floor, staring at the ceiling that only stared back as i wish for it to collapse and put an end to this sick game God or whoever it is that's up there signed me up for.

  No one gives two shits. No one will ever know what i'm going through. No one will ever know about the thoughts that are tearing me apart. No one will ever see the evil that appears in my very eyes when someone pisses me off. No one will ever see the broken pieces of bones that weren't strong enough to get me through this life. No one. It's just me. It'll only ever be me. Try as i may to see the good in people, to see the good in the world, one day when i find shards of glass from a mirror sticking out of my bruised knuckles, i will be reminded of every single bad thing that has ever happened to me, has ever happened to everyone else i care about, to everyone else whom i didn't know existed.

  Is this funny to you God? Is this amusing? Standing by the sidelines, watching intently with a cigar in between your fingers and smirk on your face as one of your creations create chaos in her head? Tormenting her own mind and body about the bad she is and will be to the people around her? Maybe this is why it's said that we're created in the image of our great creator, the universe's almighty maker. Only someone as sick as the rapists behind metallic bars, roaming freely at the food court of a mall in search for a new target; terrorists with bombs strapped to their chests like they had replaced the heart that was once there; people with or developing fantasies about participating in crimes of passion because they can't help what the voices in their head are telling them to do would create such a world of madness.

  Only someone with these disgusting thoughts, ideas and needs would make something else equally tainted and dark as they are. Maybe i'm going to hell because of these words that have rolled off my tongue, but at least they're true. At least i was, am able to talk about it and write about it. I'm just be glad that i'm able to do something, anything. Just, to be able.

  I'm sorry.

For Her

I posted this a while ago but there was a glitch on Blogger so i had to re-post it up.

I pick the roses
And you cut the thorns
I sing the verses
You say I came on too strong

It's fine to be mad
It's fine to be sad
You tell me when I need some peace

What would I do without those coffee black eyes?
What can I say that doesn't turn into a lie?
Last thing I need is you moving on with time
Cause I know I'll only be fine
With your big hands by my side

You rang that one time
Say be ready in five
I'm coming to ya
We're going on a night drive

Heading out of town
It won't be long now
I know you'll love the stars when we get there

What would I do without those coffee black eyes?
What can I say that doesn't turn into a lie?
Last thing I need is you moving on with time
Cause I know I'll only be fine
With your big hands by my side

It won't be the end
If the two of us are still friends
We'll keep both our heads
Just above the sea of regret

It's been great to know you
It's been great to see you
Nobody understands my questions the way you do
Nobody give me answers the way that you do

"Beautiful"

  So, Amber's solo debut happened. I was extremely pumped for it, like finally, we could hear more of her voice! And see how far she'd go with her talent and androgynous looks. Well, it's been approximately 52 hours since the music video of "Shake That Brass" was released, along with her second title track "Beautiful". 48 hours since she had her solo debut on real-life stage on KBS2. After much rethinking and reconsideration towards her album, i've come to a conclusion that i don't hate it. Honestly, when i first heard it, i wasn't all that thrilled about it. I don't think i liked a single song on the mini album, but then i listened to it again, and again and again like i did with f(x) and walah-- turns out they aren't that bad. I'm a little disappointed that they didn't appeal to me immediately but most things don't. Plus, the Kpop genre really isn't my jig and i'm only involved because i love f(x) so yeah. Okay, so i'm gonna list out the songs from the mini album and my thoughts about them while listening to Spotify play them.

1. Shake That Brass ft. TaeYeon/Wendy
- The music video that was made for this track was less than appealing to me, very much like the choreography to the song. It wasn't all that special for a party song and a featured artist was quite unnecessary, much like the music video to it. Although it was supposed to be this huge thing, a sensation because of the popular artists that were seen in the MV from all these different Kpop companies, i really doubt that it was. I'm pretty sure a lot of people think so too. I thought they could've used a much cooler(idk) or more energetic choreo. As for the music part, i guess it's one of those songs you hear on the radio one afternoon but forget it the minute you get home. Unless it's being played over twenty times a day then maybe. Just maybe.

2. Beautiful
- Hmm, this song is a tough one. One, because it has a meaning to it, but that doesn't make it the "greatest song ever". Two, the whole song consists of an acoustic guitar and Amber's voice. Amber explained that she had this song for over three years and it was special to her. With me not understanding a single phrase in Korean, of course i got annoyed at the fact that i can't judge the song from a perspective that was closest to hers. Meanings are usually lost during translation and that's the only thing i hate about being a Kpop fan, other than having to associate myself with those immature, stupid nuisance. So yeah, i was only able to understand the song after checking out the Mandarin translation, which i thought was a pretty solid cross-over from K to M. Overall, it's an okay song. I absolutely love the guitar picking at the beginning of the song but that went away too soon. Again, it's not a bad song, it's just that it lacks uniqueness. And attraction. It's an extremely bland song. Yes, bland songs can be good too, but this is just, B-L-A-N-D. Like, the music is fine and so are the lyrics but that's it. It doesn't make you wanna rape the replay button and the only reason i'd do that is because i want to hear Amber's voice. Can't say i'm super fond of her voice either, but i do like listening to it over and over again to get her vocal range and limits right. Yeah, i love doing that. Umm, as for the lyrics to the song, it's not bad. By that i mean i don't cringe at the parts i don't understand and totally cringe at the parts that i do. She's just not the best with English lyrics i guess. If only i understood Korean. Damn it. But if i hadn't understood any of them, i guess it's alright. Her voice... it can get a little airy at parts, and not the nice type of airy too. I think she hasn't gotten sufficient amount of vocal training. Like, i can tell she has a shitload of talent but she needs to be taught how to be better. She's gotta sharpen the edges. I'm aware that some people find it offensive for others to tell certain artists that they have to brush up or whatnot because "they have their own style ok just let them be themselves" but i'm sorry, amber has no style when she sings. No style or her own thing or whatever. Maybe she does have it when she raps but definitely not when she starts singing, not that her singing voice sucks, it just lacks that one thing that gets people to be like 'whoaaa' because she sings like how everybody else in my family sings, normally. Idk.

3. I Just Wanna ft. Eric Nam
- So this is supposedly the original version written and composed by Amber before it was changed into the Korean version in "Pink Tape". The music part sounds exactly the same as the Korean one featuring Luna, Krystal, D.O and Amber as the rapper but that's not the point here. The main point here being the English lyrics and Amber's vocal range. Let's talk about the lyrics first. Maybe it's because i heard the Korean one before it and have developed a bond with the song. Maybe it's the whole song, the music that wasn't the right fit for a song with English lyrics because we all know how one word has multiple syllables so that tends to mess up the smooth flow of the song. All in all, i can't really stand listening to the song and understanding what it meant. Firstly, the lyrics are corny as hell. And typical too. And that's just something i try my best to avoid but it seems like it's Amber's cup of tea. Of course, the Korean and hardcore international fans are going insane, losing their shit over hearing the English version of the song but i for one, can't seem to find any of the lyrics worth my time. I love the music, but the lyrics just didn't sound right. At all. To me. And the fact that i keep making a face that makes people wonder if i stepped on poo for about three times while the song plays on because Amber Josephine Fucking Liu sang "baby boy". I don't care if i'm overreacting, it's just kind of hard not to shiver or cringe whenever i hear her sing "baby boy". I mean, it's Amber Liu, not that there was anything wrong with her saying that but it's just a little interesting to hear it coming from her. So yes, i cringed a few times. On to the part about her vocals! Oh yes, her vocals. It was really good. Great, even. This is the only song i've heard from her that clearly show-casts her rather wide vocal range. We all know from her other songs that she's able to sound low as heck but this song right here, the English version to "Goodbye Summer" has made people hear and get that Amber is a good singer. She has hit a note which i have doubts about Krystal being able to. Like, she might even be on Luna's level. And this song made me realize that. I was astounded and amazed at how flawless her high note sounded. It wasn't pitchy or airy, it was strong and was about the only thing that saved me from deleting the song off my device. Don't get me wrong, i love the music but sometimes the lyrics have just got to go. And it hurts me to say this because it was solely written by Amber. It's not that i want to diss on her lyric-writing skill, maybe she's new to this, i don't know, but i just don't think the English lyrics to this song, or album, was good. At all. I'm really sorry to say this. Eric sounded really good though, on par with Amber's vocals here.

  As for the two other songs on the album, they were pop-y and i haven't listened to them as much as i did to the ones i've mentioned above so i can't give an accurate opinion. There's one thing i can say about them though, they sound good to me. I like them. Yeah. So, this album is a really big thing. I hope it sells well and that her fans would buy it and blow it off the charts. Amber deserves her golden moment, and this is probably it. So please God, give it to her a'ight? I mean, she wrote and composed most of the songs so even if she isn't great with lyrics, her composing has got to be something.

  And that's all i have to say about Amber's solo debut mini album "Beautiful". The meaning is there, all the good vibes are there too, and this just further proves that she's a wonderful idol and role model. Maybe even the best. Peace. AMBER FIGHTING!!!!!!!!

Hag of A Laptop

  I've been updating a lot more now because of a few reasons: 1) My laptop is being a bitch. 2) My brother's laptop is being an asshole. 3) I have nothing else to do. 4) Literally nothing. 5) I feel stuff. So yeah, here i am again. Of course, i could always go on twitter or tumblr or asianfanfic.com but it really does get boring after a while. Not the twitter or tumblr part because they never get boring, only out of new posts, but unfortunately only a handful of kryber fan fictions are readable and those handfuls have all been read over and over again when i've run out of things to do in real life. Although i could go back to my author-ssi life, i just feel like i am and can't write as i did before. I know i'm not all that great of a writer but it's always a good feeling to know that there are people out there who somewhat enjoy what you put your time and effort into, and that alone makes writing worthwhile. But i feel like i'm just going to taint my name and disappoint the readers if i do post something right now, so i'd rather let them hate on my absence than have them hate on my unsatisfying presence. Does that even sound right? See what i mean? It's like i don't even know what's wrong or right with my sentences anymore. So much for English being my first language. I literally can't have a solid enough grasp on anything. Not even life.

  I'm kind of in a dilemma right now. Since my laptop is on its downward spiral, i've been having thoughts about getting a new, more reliable one what with the new college term starting. Everybody knows how attractive Apple products are in today's world and everybody knows just how much i love them. So, i'vebeen wondering, should i ask mom for a MacBook Air? Honestly, i already brought it up once in a conversation a week or so ago but she didn't seem very serious about it. I think that's only because i haven't clarify how shitty my laptop really is nowadays, but that's fine because i will as soon as i have solid proof that it can't pull its shit together no more. Hopefully i'm making a wise and mature decision this time. I do like my current Asus laptop, but it already as too many bugs. It's probably old and lazy now. Like me. But whatever because unlike it, i'm still functioning. Barely, but i'm still here.

  Right, so i have exhausted all topics for this update. I don't seem to have anything else to say so maybe i'll just leave this here. Um, bye. Maybe i'll be back. Like, right back. But i don't know. And neither do you.

It Sounded High School Musical-ish In My Head(Old Update)

I want to write another song, but i can't think of a subject. My emotions are quite stable right now. Kinda numb, kinda happy, kinda not-happy. Very balanced.

Warm up, ladies and gentlemen
Things are about to get down
Take a bow, greet your opponent
We'll see who gets to the crown

Ring-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding, you're listening
To the sound of your own voice screaming

They take one here, you take one there
How does this make things clear?
Too busy with making our last wish
To hear each other's fears
You know you're wrong and you're not alone
Why does it have to be so hard
To keep us from falling apart

Please stop, you hear your head saying
But pride, it stands in the way
You wait for someone to come in
Truth is, peacemaker's away

Halfway gone, they swore they won't be a part of this
Madness that will slowly turn words into fists

They take one here, you take one there
How does this make things clear?
Too busy with making our last wish
To hear each other's fears
You know you're wrong and you're not alone
Why does it have to be so hard
To keep us from falling apart

Stuck in the dark
We see the throne for what it really is
Stuck in the dark
We come to realize we want it ceased
We know we're better than this

So, be better

Well shit, i've done it again. Although quite badly, i've managed to write something without a specific thought or emotion in my head. It was just empty, but the song seems centered around one particular subject and has stayed on it. I'm glad.

We Are The Champions

  Let me just start off by saying that this is an amazing song. To me, it's a masterpiece because it has the ability to be emotional on so many different levels. Feeling like shit because you're thirty and haven't achieved a single thing in life? Listen to the song. On the way home from a tournament you've fought so hard to win and which you did? Listen to the song. Alone in your room thinking back to the moment you let the number one spot slip through your finger because of a silly mistake? Listen to the song. Basically, the song is good for many situations, whether it be positive or negative and therefore, making it one hell of an addition to your playlist. I've only realized this today though, but now that i have i think i'll be feeling less alone the next time one of my daily breakdowns get to me. So yeah, its a really great thing, sort of like the highlight of my day but only because i refuse to think about the ones that might bring me down. I searched the song up on youtube and apparently, Mayday Parade has a cover of the song on the Punk Goes Classic Rock album. I gotta admit, it's a pretty solid cover, but to compare it to the original by Queen, well it would be quite a hollow comparison because they are a world apart. I don't listen, have never listened to Queen before but "We Are The Champions" definitely puts them on top of my playlist because the song really deserves nothing less. It's a beautiful song. A beautiful song to a beautiful life.

  Although there is so much pain and so much sorrow, it doesn't qualify enough to take away the beauty that comes with life. Life is something beautiful, yet tragic at the same time. Life is tragically beautiful. And no matter how much i want to kill myself, i really like life. I could even love life if i had more talent because i feel like it's the only way i can earn my stay on earth. I want to contribute, i want to make a difference hoping that maybe, just maybe, i'd finally feel like i deserve to be here, like i'd have the right to call this place my home. But i don't think i'm talented. Unless you call the ability to hear voices in my head, believing those voices and then letting them take over my life a talent, then yes, i think i am very talented. If that was the case, i would've dominated the field of talents the day i realize i was not going to like the person i'm made out to be.

  It just feel like everyone has a path or something set out in front of them and they're going to see it through, and i'm just here wallowing and whining and crying about how incompetent and confused and lost i am. Why have they gotten it figured out when i can't seem to come to terms with mine? My whole life is a mountain of confusion and what happens when i reach the top? Do all the confusion disappear and are replaced by clarity? I wish i had moments of clarity. I'm too bloody impulsive and being confused about everything and nothing really isn't much of a helping hand at all. So, higher power, if you're really there, please pick up your golden shovel and start clearing whatever that's blocking me from seeing my true path. But you're not gonna do it, are you? Because everybody knows that that's my job. But hello, although you were generous enough to bestow me with a shovel, i have yet to have confirmation on which path i should start cleaning up on. A SHOVEL DOESN'T HELP ME DECIDE WHICH DOORWAY TO CLEAN!!!!

  But i really do love you, God. I can't say i believe much of what the Bible or the Old Testament or the New Testament say because they were all written by man for man and i have very little faith on the human race. But i do believe in you and what your faith teaches. I have faith in living a good life and doing the good that sometimes are deemed satanic or sinful the eyes of the religion but sometimes they can be wrong and judgmental and offensive but yeah, i don't want to hurt anybody, i just want to be good. And i choose to believe what i think to be right. Let's hope i'm not wrong, eh?