You Know Who It's For

Raindrops fall off the silver gate

I feel your stare behind the wheel

You stop and wait impatiently

For me to smile and wave and welcome you

A week is up and you're back home

Did they praise you for your lies?

Or have you decided to play fair?

Too bad i've grown old to your stories this time

I've got no reason to be sad

Sometimes we all have it bad

The places you've gone and seen

Can't they help prove anything?

You've got your smile upside down

It's not like I haven't been around

You've got no reason to be sad

So, please stop making me look bad

Gift wrappers fill up the space

There's plenty for a garage sale

Let the new and pricey play stand-in

While you leave, hoping you've bought my understanding

Phone calls they come to let me know

That you're much happier where you are

Pictures of days that have gone by

Showing what I've missed and opening up old scars

I've got no reason to be sad

Sometimes we all have it bad

The places you've gone and seen

Can't they help prove anything?

You've got your smile upside down

It's not like I haven't been around

You've got no reason to be sad

So, please stop making me look bad

Bad, you've been bad

Wanting more even though you've got all

Bloody, bloody hell

Why didn't i say goodbye when you cried the first time

So, I've got no reason to be sad

Sometimes we all have it bad

People are bound to made mistakes

It's crystal how I'm the joy you faked

Still got my smile upside down

Though I'm a bit glad i have you around

I've got no reason to be sad

It's too much fun making you look bad

A song for someone who's precious to me. Who loves me but hurts me because that's how and who they are. 

When Can I Go

Today, i'm suicidal again. I feel this overbearing wave of fatigue with no exact words i could use to describe despite my wanting to. I want to express myself, explain how i feel but i can't. Everything has escaped my mind. Knowledge, logic, vocab. Sanity. My sanity is so far gone, i'm not sure what i can do to get it back. Not sure if i want to get it back. I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of crying, so tired of thinking, so tired of existing, so tired of feeling. I wish i could turn it off, turn it all off. Everything and everyone i know just, gone. Maybe i'd feel better like that.

I can't stop thinking about purchasing a bottle of sleeping pills. I can't stop thinking about a sharp sensation against my wrist. I can't stop thinking about what they'd do to my family. I can't stop thinking about letting go. It's so tempting and it feels so close. I can taste it. I can taste the air that I no longer breathe. I can taste the blood that drips, that feeds the part of me that crave for it to be out of my body. Out of this useless shell. I wish i could stop thinking.

No amount of tears can drown my sick thoughts. No amount of air can get my punctured lungs to breathe again. No amount of anything can help me become a better person, to feel what a better person feels.

What am i doing here? What was i doing here? What will i be doing here?

I have the answers, but i don't want it. I don't want them. Will i still be faking the same smile ten years from now? Will i still daydream about disappearing into the unknown? Will i still be me?

I don't like me. I don't like what i was or what i've become. Everything feels like a big, avoidable mistake. My life has always felt like a mistake to me and i feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with me, who has to talk to me, laugh with me. Be there for me, They wasted their time. They wasted whatever they've given to me because someone like me is only capable of throwing it away. I have no right to receive it, to keep it. I can't. I can't bring myself to. All this while, i had only been living in a fantasy. My fantasy.

If i go away, maybe this fantasy would let me live in it once more. And when i leave, maybe it'll be alright again. It'll be alright for me to be happy again.

Let's Get Deep

  I'm not at home and it's almost one in the a.m. I want to be somewhat productive and write or come up with something that allows me to express my feelings and thoughts clearly. This is actually a lot harder than it sounds but since i have nothing else to do and sleep is the later option, i'll give it a try.

I'm not in my own bed

And you're not in yours 

Is this what it has to come to?

An empty house and a broken wine bottle

As i recalled not long ago

It wasn't this lonely

And it wasn't this sad

And there weren't any packed bags

-chorus-

Don't turn that knob

Don't say we're not in this together anymore

Fall into my arms

Like you did that one night

Come close so you can tell my misery

Is tearing me apart

Was it in the future

You saw it all happen

The rain you poured over me

That's finally drowning our memories

Even if it's for the best

Somehow i still can't erase

The worst and the best part of me

Well, i hope it stays this way forever but

-bridge-

And i can't stand up for myself

With you gone i may as well be in hell

My light burnt out

Still can't talk about

Our moments that can't stay

Oh, the flames are on their way.

Ah, so i did it. I'm sure this is really bad but now that it's done, i'm sure i can sleep easily and in utter peace tonight, thanks to the satisfaction of completing a song. And in no more than 20 minutes. Take that, Taylor Swift. But whoops, too bad mine probably sucks more than cow titties. 

New Year, New Me(shit).

  I just realized that i had almost forgotten to post up a new year themed post so here i am. I'm not really feeling the new year so there's really nothing much to say. I don't feel great, or inspired, or anything, honestly. I'm feeling a little empty, a little meh which shouldn't be the case because this new year, like the new year of 2015 should be kind of a big deal for me because it's the year i finally call myself an alumni of my high school. I can finally be rid of the dumb education system of the country and pursue something that i'm interested in, or rather, what my family and possibly the future me find interesting. This year is the first year of me attending college/uni, so yeah, big ass deal right there since it's like, some sort of new beginning or something. I don't know, sometimes i like to think so. Who doesn't like a fresh start? Plus, someone like me will always be in a desperate need of a fresh start. By someone like me, i mean those who constantly screw up and find themselves locked in their room, alone and very self-loathing.

  But unfortunately, my fresh start isn't much of a fresh start as i'll be attending college here, in my hometown, where everyone i know and will ever know is because no one in my family apart from my dad wants me out of the state, country or even house. Yeah, so you could say i'm under house-arrest but they can't be blamed. I'm pretty much useless and going somewhere else means more money thrown away in hopes that i make something out of myself. Don't get me wrong though, i do want to make something out of myself, something preferably better, and that lives comfortably with her family members. Of course i previously set out to do something somewhat different than the path that i will be journeying on, but circumstances have changed and there are just too many things to consider and without complete support from my family, i can't do anything.

  So, going back to the New Year. My New Year's resolution? I actually haven't given it much thought, or any thought to be exact. But thinking about it now, i guess i just want to be a better person. As of 2014, I am a shit person. And now that 2015 has started and it's on its way, i still am the same shit person. So, what i'm going to try really hard doing from now on, is to be a not-so-shit person. Yeah, i really want to make everybody proud, myself included. I guess i just want to redeem myself, for everything that has happened, that i've done in the past and even in the future. Ah, the future. It's really scary to think about, isn't it? I think anyone's who's afraid of the unknown is also scared of the future and that practically makes it everybody.

  Even if my unknown is a little known, it still doesn't make it any less scary. If anything, i'm more freaked out about it than ever. It's not something that i asked for, or would ask for any day, but it just happened so i'm doing the best i can to get over it and maybe make something out of it without screwing up the way i do. I can't screw up, not again. I can't afford to and neither can my soul(hah corn). A lot's at stake here so if i were to screw things up, it wouldn't be just me that i'd be hurting. And i'd hate to have that happen. So, i won't let that happen. Hopefully. Yeah.

  So, here's my complete 2015 New Year's Resolution that i may or may not end up following. Like i said, i didn't exactly think things through and i still haven't, but i'm willing to put up a list that'd most probably look like the guidelines to my resolution, if i actually came up with one.

Val's 2015 New Year Resoluition

1. Be less talkative. (Meaning: be less annoying.)

2. Be more self-motivated. (Screw negativity and self-loathing and slothiness.)

3. Dress better. (Decide if i want to look like a tomboy teenager or a cool tomboy teenager.)

4. Socialize. Make a shitload of friends. (A great way to break into the future business world.)

5. Be more useful in life. (Stop wasting away each day learning nothing but new things to hate about myself.)

6. Find passion. (Something to focus on.)

7. Knowledge spurt. (Need to know more about everything and anything.)

8. Be a better human being. (Be as nice and kind-hearted as possible.)

9. Find myself. (I know exactly what i mean.)

10. Make people proud.

Happy New Year to you, Valerie. Have a great one.

Talentless

  I'm not very good at many things. I mean, I'd like to be but i don't think i've been blessed with the ability to do everything. I'm not sure if anyone is, but i know a lot of people who are capable of improving themselves to become a pro at what they do instead of just getting stuck, glued to the same spot for years and years. Yeah well, that's me. I'm super-glued to wherever my skills stand, if i have any. Over the years, i came to realize that i'm someone who can do many things once i'm given the chance to. Those things though, are usually sport-related. If i'm out to make myself feel a little better about myself, i'd include music stuff. I like to convince myself that i am somewhat of an ability to play musical instruments so that i don't feel so restricted to just sports. If i was a litter better at sports that i guess it would've been fine, but since i'm not because i'm just slightly above average. Like, very, extremely slightly. And where is it that very, extremely slightly above average gets you? Oh, that's right, no where.

  So, what does it matter if i can play twenty different sports and play thirty-two musical instruments but it turns out to be that i'm not very good in any of them? That i spend years watching people outgrow and outshine me? It matters very little to nothing. And that's how i feel, like i'm nothing. I feel like the world has a place for everybody but me. It's hard to fit in, it's hard to talk to and communicate with people and although i can do it, sometimes i drag it so much i wish i didn't have a mouth, or a head. Or a body. I just don't really want to be here at times and am i to blame? Ah yes, i guess i am.

  I just hope that there's really something out there for me, that will allow me to feel less useless and not-there. I hope that it's something worthwhile, and cool, and beautiful. And awesome. And beautiful. I'm a man of very limited vocabulary as you can see. Again, one of my non-talents. I write, speak better than a few people but there are about a million others who at least fifty levels above me in the language. Sigh, way to make yourself feel good about yourself. "I know I'm good for something, I just haven't found it yet." Mayday Parade of course, continues to sprinkle me with hope that there is still, hope. For me. Yeah, hope for me. God, haha, how the heck is it possible for me to be so pathetic?

Shitty

  If there's anyone who can take self-loathing to another level, it would be me. I can't say I've been doing much thinking lately, because I haven't. All i've managed to achieve since leaving school late November is...bad health and an intensified version of self-loathing. I haven't exactly been my best this break. I was supposed to get a "summer" job and make some dough for myself so i wouldn't have to dig into the adults' pockets for movie tickets, lunch/dinner outings with my friends, but alas, the holiday is soon coming to an end and yet, i still have not found a job. Neither have i gotten my stupid driving license. The thing seems to be dragged on and on, so hah, at least that's one thing less to be pinned onto this hollow head of mine. Right, so shall we go back to self-and-everything-else-loathing?

  My self-loathing isn't fresh news so talking about it could be quite a drag. Maybe we should skip right to why i sometimes find myself hating everything else but myself. Yes, this happens every now and then. Not a common sight, but it's been going on for about a week now. And i hate it. One thing i hate more than wallowing in self-pity, is wallowing in self-pity over the fact that i'm turning into a whiny bitch that hates on everything that breathes around her, which is what's happening right now. As of late, instead of the usual thoughts i get late at night like, "I'm such a loser", "I'm alone because i suck" and my favorite, "I don't deserve this/them", I get train of thoughts like, "They're lame", "I'm alone because they suck" and my least favorite of all, "I deserve much better than this/them." My least favorite thought of course, doesn't pop up for a visit much but when it does, i get sucked into this dark portal of realization that yells at me, "YOU'RE TURNING INTO A SHITHEAD FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!" before getting transported to another hole somewhere in the universe of Val's Dysfunctional Brain that throws a series of flash cards at my face that say, "Oh my god, you're now a sad loser."

  You see, i used to think that having thoughts about how pathetic you are or how your own life is the saddest thing ever, but that was way before i discovered that sad thoughts consist of many, many levels. And on these multiple levels, the one that claims victory of the saddest of all thought, is the one that's telling yourself that you've now unlocked the gates to the Kingdom of Loser Land and the key will forever be in your rightful possession because you are now King to the land of sad losers, well, your land of sad losers since they're all your thoughts and your sadness.

  BASICALLY, IT'S JUST REALLY SAD TO REALIZE THAT YOU'RE BEING A DICK WHEN YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHTS TO ASSUME THE ROLES OF DICKERY. So yes, if this isn't sad, i'm not sure what is. Okay, maybe i should explain in a more detailed fashion the thoughts that i've spent many nights pondering about, but it would really suck because they are such whinny, sucky thoughts that are so far from the truth, they make the journey from earth to Pluto seem like joke of the year material. Yep, so. Lately, i've been hating on something else other than my incompetent self. Yes, i've started to find the thought of my acquaintances less than appealing. And this worries the shit out of me because it is something that has not happened before.

  So far, the only negative thoughts i get about my fellow peers are when i'm pissed off at them for being insensitive, which they rarely are, or when they're being annoying, again, a very rare occurrence as i have been playing the role of being annoying for many years now. So yeah, i get angry at my friends, i cuss at my friends but i've never blamed them for making me feel the way that i do most of the time(with the exception of one little asshole that didn't have the decency to stay the fuck away from me). I'm currently feeling really bad about having the thought because not only is that a dick move, it is also...oh wait, the 'd' words says it all.

  Yep, I is feeling da shit. 

Not Over It Just Yet

  Right, so I know I shouldn't be thinking about it again since I've got three papers to sit for this week but I've done some analyzing and I guess I wanted to share? I think it's more than crystal clear how unsatisfied I am with how everything turned out to be. Why? Because I had nothing to do with it. Like, literally. All I attempted to be was a peacemaker, and honestly I wasn't even the only one playing that role and yet I've got the biggest bulls eye on my head. Was it really my fault? Was it such a huge sin for me to not want to see a friendship of four or so years fall apart? It's not fair. I wanted us to stick together. I wanted us to enjoy the last year of high school together as a group of mates that had each others' backs no matter what. But apparently, I was the only one foolish or naive enough to have thought that what we had was something solid enough to be called a friendship. Well, obviously time has proven it to be otherwise.

  A lot of people would say that "things happen for a reason" or "now you know who your real friends are", and yeah I guess I'm in agreement, but a little part of me, okay maybe like a very, very big part of me is still stuck in the past. That part of me still refuses to let go of what is over and done with isn't letting the rest of me enjoy my remaining moments with my other friends. Who knows? Maybe fate was right, he and I were just two friends that were never meant to be. Maybe my other friends were my "real friends". Sigh, but it isn't fair. Even if he didn't want to be my friend anymore, at least have a good enough reason to leave. Knowing him, his oversensitiviy and stubborn attitude were probably the two main culprit of my group of friends' fallout. And it's because of his lack of better judgment in selection of friends, he will one day be alone in his two bit apartment wondering if he should've calmed down and talked things out with us. Maybe then he woulnd't be as pathetic and friendless, but oh, too bad because it's too damn late.

  I hope you're enjoying your life now with the people who you think are you true friends. And I hope that you'll be able to pull yourself together and bring yourself back up when these "friends" of yours leave you to pursue their more important relationships and other things in life that doesn't involve your presence in because we all got priorities in life, don't we? And it isn't written in stone that you always had to be on top of them. Even though you were pretty much at the top few of mine. It's such a shame you had to abuse your right in mine thought, so hasta la vista baby, I couldn't give two shits about your broken heart when you realize who were there for real and who weren't.

  I'm sure I'll be feeling sorry that I had this posted up at around 2 a.m later when I'm wide awake and guilty on my bed, but there's no way I'll be taking this down anytime soon, or saying my sorry's because this needs to be said and heard by the future me as a reminder to never let down my walls to people who deserves nothing less. Also, I will not apologize for being pissed at you. You deserve all the hate that I'm able to muster up.