When Can I Go

Today, i'm suicidal again. I feel this overbearing wave of fatigue with no exact words i could use to describe despite my wanting to. I want to express myself, explain how i feel but i can't. Everything has escaped my mind. Knowledge, logic, vocab. Sanity. My sanity is so far gone, i'm not sure what i can do to get it back. Not sure if i want to get it back. I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of crying, so tired of thinking, so tired of existing, so tired of feeling. I wish i could turn it off, turn it all off. Everything and everyone i know just, gone. Maybe i'd feel better like that.

I can't stop thinking about purchasing a bottle of sleeping pills. I can't stop thinking about a sharp sensation against my wrist. I can't stop thinking about what they'd do to my family. I can't stop thinking about letting go. It's so tempting and it feels so close. I can taste it. I can taste the air that I no longer breathe. I can taste the blood that drips, that feeds the part of me that crave for it to be out of my body. Out of this useless shell. I wish i could stop thinking.

No amount of tears can drown my sick thoughts. No amount of air can get my punctured lungs to breathe again. No amount of anything can help me become a better person, to feel what a better person feels.

What am i doing here? What was i doing here? What will i be doing here?

I have the answers, but i don't want it. I don't want them. Will i still be faking the same smile ten years from now? Will i still daydream about disappearing into the unknown? Will i still be me?

I don't like me. I don't like what i was or what i've become. Everything feels like a big, avoidable mistake. My life has always felt like a mistake to me and i feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with me, who has to talk to me, laugh with me. Be there for me, They wasted their time. They wasted whatever they've given to me because someone like me is only capable of throwing it away. I have no right to receive it, to keep it. I can't. I can't bring myself to. All this while, i had only been living in a fantasy. My fantasy.

If i go away, maybe this fantasy would let me live in it once more. And when i leave, maybe it'll be alright again. It'll be alright for me to be happy again.