Drama-rama

  Ugh this entire month has been a torture. My family and their drama have been eating me alive. You'd think as adults, they'd have the sense to not drag teenagers with unstable emotions due to what hormonal change into whatever shit they got themselves into. I mean yeah it's not wrong to tell family about your problems, but oh my god it's not like my eardrums are made of steel. They just keep going on and on and on and on about their problems and then they're crying and cursing. I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. Hello mom hello grandma, i'm a sixteen year old with problems too. I'm not exactly the free-est person in school i've got things to plan, shit to get done, and there you are, barging into my room which is the only place i can get peace and quiet and most importantly, my space, crying to me about how their lives suck right now. Well tell you what, LIFE IS SUCKY SO TAKE YOUR HEART2HEART SESSION SOMEWHERE ELSE. I'm not being mean or anything but i'm under a lot of pressure and stress (this is the part where you might scoff at but i'm serious) so when someone's about to crack up, you don't just throw all your complaints and gossips at them. We need space. I NEED MY SPACE and i need a drama-proof life. This entire month felt like one of those hokkien dramas that my aunt watches from morning till god knows when. I don't freaking need this. Do i ever complain to my mom or my grandma or to anyone else about my life, about the shit i'm in? NO I DO NOT. Maybe to my friends at times because somehow i can never shut up when i'm around them but NOT TO MY FAMILY BECAUSE I KNOW THEY HAVE THEIR OWN SHIT TO DEAL WITH SO I DON'T BURDEN THEM FURTHER WITH MINE, but do they have the consideration oF leaving me out of this web of drama? NO THEY FREAKING DON'T.

  And that's not just it, my grandma, she needs to get that no one, not even the hardworking of the hardworking students study every freaking day. I never study and you expect me to suddenly study during every waking moment of mine? WHO STUDIES ON A SATURDAY AND SUNDAY NIGHT. WHO STUDIES THE AFTERNOON AFTER THEIR EXAM FINISHED WHO THE HELL DOES THAT. Example, last friday when my first term exam finished. I asked my grandma if i could hang with my friends at the local mall the day after and she said "why do you always wanna go out and have fun. Can't you just stay home and study like other people. What's wrong with you. You do know it's your future right? So can you grow up and do what's good for you?" And i replied "But my exam just finished today" Grandma said "So does that give you a reason to not study this afternoon?" OMG SERIOUSLY WHAT THE ACTUAL FUQ. I JUST FINISHED MY WEEK LONG EXAM AND YOU WON'T EVEN LET ME ENJOY ONE FREAKING AFTERNOON. AND IT'S NOT LIKE I GO OUT EVERY OTHER WEEKEND LIKE EVERYONE ELSE NO INSTEAD I STAY HOME BECAUSE MY FAMILY WON'T LET ME GO ANYWHERE ELSE OTHER THAN TO THE TUITION CENTER OR TO SCHOOL. AND WHEN MY FRIENDS ACTUALLY ASKED ME TO HANG OUT YOU TELL ME I GO OUT TOO MUCH THAT I DON'T STAY HOME ENOUGH THAT I ALWAYS WANNA HAVE FUN. WELL PEOPLE IF YOU HAD TAKEN OR LET ME OUT OF THE HOUSE MORE OFTEN THAN A COUPLE OF TIMES IN A MONTH MAYBE YOU WON'T BE HAVING THIS PROBLEM. Pssh i go out too much I'M SORRY YOUR FREAKING STATEMENT IS INVALID PLEASE TRY AGAIN. I'm just so pissed whenever i think of this. If this is not pressure than i don't know what is. Every time my grandma sees me around the house watching tv or reading my storybooks, she'll be all up in my ass saying "why aren't you studying and just wasting your time doing nothing. go study. it's for your own good" All she ever says to me nowadays is STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY.

  And then there's another matter of my grandma being an utter douche-snozzle. You're my grandma, you wanna tell me the truth sure, but will you please let it go through the filter in your head first please? You don't just call your grandchildren ugly or fat or disappointing or i-don't-care-about-you-anymore-i-just-wanna-leave-and-see-what-you're-gonna-do-without-me. And the most hated line of all 'i could be anywhere i want to be but instead i chose to stay here because of you and your brother. if you guys are thankful and show appreciation to my help then it's fine, but to be treated like i'm so much less that your grandmother, i really don't see the point of me staying, sometimes i just wish i could leave and see what happens to you". I lost track of how many times she's used that shit of a line on me. I get it, i get it, you're oh so noble by choosing to stay with us instead of doing blableh. But ugh, don't they realize that we hurt too? Their words, even though sometimes they don't mean it, but it doesn't stop them from cutting right through our hearts. They just practically say what they wanna say, don't give shit about how we feel and be all like you fuqing deserve it. People wonder why are there so many messed-up teenagers in this world who's suicidal and have problems, well it's about time they realize that adults are to blame. If they weren't so simple minded, inconsiderate and selfish, we as teenagers wouldn't be going through as much shit as we do.

  Don't love each other? Don't get married. Don't wanna get involved with each others' shit? Leave and never turn back. Don't cause pain to other people, especially kids because they DO NOT DESERVE THIS. What they deserve is a happy, innocent childhood filled with heart-warming memories. I just ugh, adults suck. Big time.

Songs of Scenarios (disappointing my parents)

And here's a perfect song to let people have an inside look of my current situation.

Hey dad, look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did i grow up according to plan
Do you think i'm wasting my time
Doing things i wanna do
And it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now i try hard to make it
I just wanna make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
Can't pretend that i'm alright
And you can't change me

Cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain i feel inside
Do you know you used to be my hero
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now i try hard to make it
I just wanna make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

Cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand

Cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever

I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Thank you, Simple Plan, for coming up with 'Perfect', a wonderful song that everyone can easily relate to. As i was typing all of this out, i could literally feel the emotion, all the sadness and pain of this song. Well done indeed SP!

Peace.

E-M-O

I don't why but recently, things have been really uptight for me and i guessed that triggered the emo and anguish side of me. I lose my temper almost all the time at home when someone tries to tell me to stop doing this, stop doing that or to try to be this and that. I don't do it intentionally, but somehow i just y'know lose myself and end up giving them a glare before running up to my room and locking myself in there until an hour passes. Yep my anger or whatever escalates real quick and thank God for that. Honestly, i really shouldn't be pissed at how they are. I mean it's obviously my fault that i got such horrid results and they're just trying to help me get back on the right track, but i don't know, i just lose it.

And sometimes when i'm really down and need my own personal space to crawl into, i don't because i don't actually have a place like that. Technically, 'my room' is also three other people's 'my room'. So at times when it's a thunderstorm in there, someone from the family would just casually waltz in without knowing anything and when they realize something is wrong they're all '"what's your problem?'". MY PROBLEM IS THAT I'M TRYING TO HAVE A MELTDOWN IN PEACE BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE PEOPLE'S FACES KEEP POPPING UP EVERY 3 SECONDS.

I've tried locking the door, and oh, the good it does. *knock knock* "eh val open the door. why did you lock it? how many times do i have to tell you that as long as you're in my house, there will be no locked doors" and then i try to clean up the flood i had caused in the room before unlocking the door *knocks again* "what are you doing inside?" i reply "wait!" and they say "what's wrong with you again". Of course, the conversations are all in Mandarin. So, yeah. I don't have my alone space, i can't lock the door unless it's the toilet. Guess i'll be hitting the loo quite often from now on eh?

The thing is, they do know that i'm not exactly in the happiest of all moods then and yet they still choose to yap at me and then do what adults do best, walking away. They might ask you every now and then "what's up" but it's more of a statement than a question. They say it and then forget it. They choose to talk about what kind of person i should be rather than trying to understand what kind of person i actually am. They don't bother thinking about what i have to go through, all they think about is what they're going through in order turn me into this made-believe child who satisfies all their standards and shit. I excel in something, they're not happy about it because it's not the something that they want me to excel in.

Well i'm sorry i'm not the daughter or granddaughter that you planned to have. I'm sorry i don't have hair that's all nice and neat 24/7. I'm sorry i'm not as feminine as all my girl friends. I'm sorry i like tee shirts and baggy shorts. I'm sorry i dislike eggs. I'm sorry i can't cook. I'm sorry i didn't score enough A's. I'm sorry for being active in my uniform body. I'm sorry i decided to drop chinese and take up accounts. I'm sorry i didn't turn up to be the a national player for the badminton team. I'm sorry i can't be more like he or she or them. I'm sorry i'm so useless. I'm sorry that i'm trying my best to cope with all this. I'm sorry you're not satisfied with what i have.

I'm sorry for not being able to become your idea of perfection.

I'm sorry, but that still doesn't make you understand me, does it?

The End Of The World On The 19th

21.12.12 that is supposedly the date when all these shit come to an end. Something about the Mayans and their predictions cause they were somehow convinced that when their calender or something came to an end, that's when the world will cease to exist as well. I'm not sure if i've gotten the facts right, but i'm pretty sure it's revolving around that perimeter. Anyways, I have decided to give a hopefully quick update to explain why the end of the world for me was on the 19th this month. The result for my public exam have been revealed, and i'm less than joyful about it. Way, way, way less. It's not entirely because i'm disappointed about how i performed, but rather because i've become this big disappointment to my family, especially my grandma, who according to reliable sources (my mom), had high hopes and expectations for me. So, i turned out to be just another balloon, cause y'know how my family put their efforts and blablafish into trying to make me a better person so i picture that as them blowing air into a balloon, and i'm that balloon. The more they blow, the bigger i get, and then just when they thought i've become a very large balloon, something they can be proud of, i burst into nothingness. So much for their efforts. You feel me?

Yeah i've noticed that i suck with metaphors but that never stopped me from using it. Get it now? I'm just a disappointment to them. They might not show or say anything, but it's not like i need them to to understand y'know. It's written all over their faces, 'DISAPPOINTMENT' but oh who the hell could blame them. Wanna blame someone? Blame me. Blame the ungrateful sloth of a daughter who didn't try her best despite everything that her family had to go through in order for her to have a shot at success. BAHHH.

See, even though the world will most probably end on the 21st, which is like this coming..Friday (tomorrow), MY WORLD ended two days ago from that day. So, if God decides to let the human race face the wrath of mother nature's revenge, all i can say is 'come at me, brotha'. So what if the world ends? Mine did. Bigggg deal. All i need to do is to get reborn again, which is exactly what i'm hoping for. Anyhoo, what i'm trying to put into logical words is that, if the world really comes to an end, life will find a way (quote from the dino movie Jurassic Park). Plus, even if it doesn't, it's not like you'd be here to see all that happen, no, you'll be long dead and gone because in order for a new world to resurface, the old one will have to get the hell out. Landlord probably doesn't like us very much huh. Yeah okay, so this is pretty much it for today. If the world does end, i have three words for every living soul on the planet.

John.

Fucking.

Meyer.

Friends With Benefit anybody? No? You guys suck.

Peace.

Freakin' Mistakes

  Never before have i realized how much mistakes i've been making lately, grammatically speaking. It kills me to say that my English standard has dropped a lot, and who do i have to thank for that? Not my English teacher at school, of course. No, she's just...awesome and totally teacher-of-the-year material. Yeah, totally. So, if you happen to spot any grammar or vocab errors in any of my updates, point them out if you like because reading my blog has been a total sore-eye for me. Everywhere my pupils go, they're always there, the errors. Ugh just get away from me.

  Hmm, so PMR's over. Yep, should've posted something about it like a month ago, but this holiday's pretty packed for me. So many k-dramas, so little time. Don't get me wrong, i'm still not a fan of all that korean BS but damn, they really know how to shoot their dramas. So yes, i'm hooked on it like a Cocaine, but i didn't used to though, just fyi. I'm a hugeeee fan of Park Shin Hye, a korean actress. She's kind of like my latest lezbo celeb crush? Anyways, it's been about a month since pmr, and yes, i've had tons of fun during my post-pmr period, but all that's gonna end soon.

  Mehhh, i'm just really bored right now. I'm supposed to be asleep already, cause it's gonna a full day for me tomorrow but i. just. can't. There are so many other things to do other than sleep. I like the night, it's very inspirational and calming. Okay, so that's about it. I have not touched my guitar in a long while and weird enough, my fingers have not been itching like they should. No complaints whatsoever. Is this me growing weary of it? I sincerely hope not. Btw, i just got back from camp three days ago and i'm leaving for another one the day after tomorrow. Talk about a hectic schedule. Where's my breathing time? Peace.

Still In PMR Process

  It hasn't ended yet, this exam of mine. The week didn't exactly past as fast as i hoped it would. Instead, it pretty much just crawled. Anyways, most of my exam papers are over and done with but i've still got KHB, Maths and Chinese to handle next week. Three subs which i am the least confident with. I know, i know, maths should be easy, like swimming in the kids' pool, but noooooo, not to me. I used to be okay with it, and then the numbers hooked up with them alphabets and before you know it, they got themselves tons of complicated-ass babies of number and letters mixed together. Oh, it's a bitch to do.

  And then there's KHB. It sounds so easy to everyone else, but it's subject that i'm the least fond of. I guess the reason behind my hatred towards it is because i never really paid much attention to it. I just assumed it was hard and never tried to improve my KH skills and knowledge. Well, i saw no point it in it anyways. Hate that sub. I HATE THAT SUB. But of course, if i had to choose between Chinese and that, i'd choose THAT over Chinese. Yeah, all in a heartbeat. It's not that i hate Chinese (hello, Chinese descendant here so can't really hate the thing), but it gets really challenging to learn and all. Yea, i don't like Chinese very much either.

  But oh god, i can't say i'm going bezerk over next week's paper, but i'm not exactly calm either. I totally wasted my weekend doing...everything unrelated to studying. I acted like the whole damn examination was already over. Okay, i hope that i'd get the mood and determination to study tomorrow, in hopes that i don't B any of the subs on Monday. Oh God, i really need the A's, man. A'ight, i'm turning in. Peace. AND STUDY VAL STUDY YOUR ASS OFF TOMORROW BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHING YOU'LL REGRET.

7 Days And Counting

SO, it's finally here, the both long awaited and dreaded examination of the year. It's a week away and here i am, hooked on the internet as usual. Don't get me wrong, i really wish i could actually study like everyone else, but i can't. I'm freaked out, but i don't know what i should do. I can't concentrate, i can't think, i can't really study study, y'know? Anyways, i'm on here to just let out some steam. I feel the pressure and i think i'll melt any second now. I guess i'm typing all this so i'd be able to look back the week after next, when the exam's well in the past, and see how was i feeling and all that. And i'm feeling super stressed out, even though i don't do a lot of studying. Oh, i really hope that i'd be able to do well in the exam, and that i'd actually have the determination to study for it.

Now, to ignore the pressure clawing at my back, i shall talk about what i've been doing for the past..week? Okay, maybe i won't. I'm just trying to find a way to relax here. And ranting do relax me. That's mainly the reason why i'm a chatterbox and can never really shut up for long. SO, We Are The In Crowd. That's currently the band i'm listening to. They're a pop/punk rock band with two vocalists. Taking the lead is an amazing female singer with a voice to die for, Taylor Jardine, and the second vocalist is the lead guitarist, Jordan Eckes. They harmonize really well together and the chemistry, wow! Although i don't think i'm able to compare their songs to Mayday Parade or Daughtry, for that matter, but they're pretty dope. In fact, they actually give out the All Time Low vibe, though more of a female version of the band, but nevertheless great. They're fun to listen to, their lyrics are funny at times and i like how the band is. There it is, another band added to my band list. Now i've got,

1. Simple Plan
2. Mayday Parade
3. All Time Low
4. Daughtry
5. WE ARE THE IN CROWD

A round of applause for WATIC! WHEEEEEE. And that's about it. Peace to whoever reading this, which is probably no one. God, maybe .