E-M-O

I don't why but recently, things have been really uptight for me and i guessed that triggered the emo and anguish side of me. I lose my temper almost all the time at home when someone tries to tell me to stop doing this, stop doing that or to try to be this and that. I don't do it intentionally, but somehow i just y'know lose myself and end up giving them a glare before running up to my room and locking myself in there until an hour passes. Yep my anger or whatever escalates real quick and thank God for that. Honestly, i really shouldn't be pissed at how they are. I mean it's obviously my fault that i got such horrid results and they're just trying to help me get back on the right track, but i don't know, i just lose it.

And sometimes when i'm really down and need my own personal space to crawl into, i don't because i don't actually have a place like that. Technically, 'my room' is also three other people's 'my room'. So at times when it's a thunderstorm in there, someone from the family would just casually waltz in without knowing anything and when they realize something is wrong they're all '"what's your problem?'". MY PROBLEM IS THAT I'M TRYING TO HAVE A MELTDOWN IN PEACE BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE PEOPLE'S FACES KEEP POPPING UP EVERY 3 SECONDS.

I've tried locking the door, and oh, the good it does. *knock knock* "eh val open the door. why did you lock it? how many times do i have to tell you that as long as you're in my house, there will be no locked doors" and then i try to clean up the flood i had caused in the room before unlocking the door *knocks again* "what are you doing inside?" i reply "wait!" and they say "what's wrong with you again". Of course, the conversations are all in Mandarin. So, yeah. I don't have my alone space, i can't lock the door unless it's the toilet. Guess i'll be hitting the loo quite often from now on eh?

The thing is, they do know that i'm not exactly in the happiest of all moods then and yet they still choose to yap at me and then do what adults do best, walking away. They might ask you every now and then "what's up" but it's more of a statement than a question. They say it and then forget it. They choose to talk about what kind of person i should be rather than trying to understand what kind of person i actually am. They don't bother thinking about what i have to go through, all they think about is what they're going through in order turn me into this made-believe child who satisfies all their standards and shit. I excel in something, they're not happy about it because it's not the something that they want me to excel in.

Well i'm sorry i'm not the daughter or granddaughter that you planned to have. I'm sorry i don't have hair that's all nice and neat 24/7. I'm sorry i'm not as feminine as all my girl friends. I'm sorry i like tee shirts and baggy shorts. I'm sorry i dislike eggs. I'm sorry i can't cook. I'm sorry i didn't score enough A's. I'm sorry for being active in my uniform body. I'm sorry i decided to drop chinese and take up accounts. I'm sorry i didn't turn up to be the a national player for the badminton team. I'm sorry i can't be more like he or she or them. I'm sorry i'm so useless. I'm sorry that i'm trying my best to cope with all this. I'm sorry you're not satisfied with what i have.

I'm sorry for not being able to become your idea of perfection.

I'm sorry, but that still doesn't make you understand me, does it?