You Know Who It's For

Raindrops fall off the silver gate

I feel your stare behind the wheel

You stop and wait impatiently

For me to smile and wave and welcome you

A week is up and you're back home

Did they praise you for your lies?

Or have you decided to play fair?

Too bad i've grown old to your stories this time

I've got no reason to be sad

Sometimes we all have it bad

The places you've gone and seen

Can't they help prove anything?

You've got your smile upside down

It's not like I haven't been around

You've got no reason to be sad

So, please stop making me look bad

Gift wrappers fill up the space

There's plenty for a garage sale

Let the new and pricey play stand-in

While you leave, hoping you've bought my understanding

Phone calls they come to let me know

That you're much happier where you are

Pictures of days that have gone by

Showing what I've missed and opening up old scars

I've got no reason to be sad

Sometimes we all have it bad

The places you've gone and seen

Can't they help prove anything?

You've got your smile upside down

It's not like I haven't been around

You've got no reason to be sad

So, please stop making me look bad

Bad, you've been bad

Wanting more even though you've got all

Bloody, bloody hell

Why didn't i say goodbye when you cried the first time

So, I've got no reason to be sad

Sometimes we all have it bad

People are bound to made mistakes

It's crystal how I'm the joy you faked

Still got my smile upside down

Though I'm a bit glad i have you around

I've got no reason to be sad

It's too much fun making you look bad

A song for someone who's precious to me. Who loves me but hurts me because that's how and who they are. 

When Can I Go

Today, i'm suicidal again. I feel this overbearing wave of fatigue with no exact words i could use to describe despite my wanting to. I want to express myself, explain how i feel but i can't. Everything has escaped my mind. Knowledge, logic, vocab. Sanity. My sanity is so far gone, i'm not sure what i can do to get it back. Not sure if i want to get it back. I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of crying, so tired of thinking, so tired of existing, so tired of feeling. I wish i could turn it off, turn it all off. Everything and everyone i know just, gone. Maybe i'd feel better like that.

I can't stop thinking about purchasing a bottle of sleeping pills. I can't stop thinking about a sharp sensation against my wrist. I can't stop thinking about what they'd do to my family. I can't stop thinking about letting go. It's so tempting and it feels so close. I can taste it. I can taste the air that I no longer breathe. I can taste the blood that drips, that feeds the part of me that crave for it to be out of my body. Out of this useless shell. I wish i could stop thinking.

No amount of tears can drown my sick thoughts. No amount of air can get my punctured lungs to breathe again. No amount of anything can help me become a better person, to feel what a better person feels.

What am i doing here? What was i doing here? What will i be doing here?

I have the answers, but i don't want it. I don't want them. Will i still be faking the same smile ten years from now? Will i still daydream about disappearing into the unknown? Will i still be me?

I don't like me. I don't like what i was or what i've become. Everything feels like a big, avoidable mistake. My life has always felt like a mistake to me and i feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with me, who has to talk to me, laugh with me. Be there for me, They wasted their time. They wasted whatever they've given to me because someone like me is only capable of throwing it away. I have no right to receive it, to keep it. I can't. I can't bring myself to. All this while, i had only been living in a fantasy. My fantasy.

If i go away, maybe this fantasy would let me live in it once more. And when i leave, maybe it'll be alright again. It'll be alright for me to be happy again.

Let's Get Deep

  I'm not at home and it's almost one in the a.m. I want to be somewhat productive and write or come up with something that allows me to express my feelings and thoughts clearly. This is actually a lot harder than it sounds but since i have nothing else to do and sleep is the later option, i'll give it a try.

I'm not in my own bed

And you're not in yours 

Is this what it has to come to?

An empty house and a broken wine bottle

As i recalled not long ago

It wasn't this lonely

And it wasn't this sad

And there weren't any packed bags

-chorus-

Don't turn that knob

Don't say we're not in this together anymore

Fall into my arms

Like you did that one night

Come close so you can tell my misery

Is tearing me apart

Was it in the future

You saw it all happen

The rain you poured over me

That's finally drowning our memories

Even if it's for the best

Somehow i still can't erase

The worst and the best part of me

Well, i hope it stays this way forever but

-bridge-

And i can't stand up for myself

With you gone i may as well be in hell

My light burnt out

Still can't talk about

Our moments that can't stay

Oh, the flames are on their way.

Ah, so i did it. I'm sure this is really bad but now that it's done, i'm sure i can sleep easily and in utter peace tonight, thanks to the satisfaction of completing a song. And in no more than 20 minutes. Take that, Taylor Swift. But whoops, too bad mine probably sucks more than cow titties. 

New Year, New Me(shit).

  I just realized that i had almost forgotten to post up a new year themed post so here i am. I'm not really feeling the new year so there's really nothing much to say. I don't feel great, or inspired, or anything, honestly. I'm feeling a little empty, a little meh which shouldn't be the case because this new year, like the new year of 2015 should be kind of a big deal for me because it's the year i finally call myself an alumni of my high school. I can finally be rid of the dumb education system of the country and pursue something that i'm interested in, or rather, what my family and possibly the future me find interesting. This year is the first year of me attending college/uni, so yeah, big ass deal right there since it's like, some sort of new beginning or something. I don't know, sometimes i like to think so. Who doesn't like a fresh start? Plus, someone like me will always be in a desperate need of a fresh start. By someone like me, i mean those who constantly screw up and find themselves locked in their room, alone and very self-loathing.

  But unfortunately, my fresh start isn't much of a fresh start as i'll be attending college here, in my hometown, where everyone i know and will ever know is because no one in my family apart from my dad wants me out of the state, country or even house. Yeah, so you could say i'm under house-arrest but they can't be blamed. I'm pretty much useless and going somewhere else means more money thrown away in hopes that i make something out of myself. Don't get me wrong though, i do want to make something out of myself, something preferably better, and that lives comfortably with her family members. Of course i previously set out to do something somewhat different than the path that i will be journeying on, but circumstances have changed and there are just too many things to consider and without complete support from my family, i can't do anything.

  So, going back to the New Year. My New Year's resolution? I actually haven't given it much thought, or any thought to be exact. But thinking about it now, i guess i just want to be a better person. As of 2014, I am a shit person. And now that 2015 has started and it's on its way, i still am the same shit person. So, what i'm going to try really hard doing from now on, is to be a not-so-shit person. Yeah, i really want to make everybody proud, myself included. I guess i just want to redeem myself, for everything that has happened, that i've done in the past and even in the future. Ah, the future. It's really scary to think about, isn't it? I think anyone's who's afraid of the unknown is also scared of the future and that practically makes it everybody.

  Even if my unknown is a little known, it still doesn't make it any less scary. If anything, i'm more freaked out about it than ever. It's not something that i asked for, or would ask for any day, but it just happened so i'm doing the best i can to get over it and maybe make something out of it without screwing up the way i do. I can't screw up, not again. I can't afford to and neither can my soul(hah corn). A lot's at stake here so if i were to screw things up, it wouldn't be just me that i'd be hurting. And i'd hate to have that happen. So, i won't let that happen. Hopefully. Yeah.

  So, here's my complete 2015 New Year's Resolution that i may or may not end up following. Like i said, i didn't exactly think things through and i still haven't, but i'm willing to put up a list that'd most probably look like the guidelines to my resolution, if i actually came up with one.

Val's 2015 New Year Resoluition

1. Be less talkative. (Meaning: be less annoying.)

2. Be more self-motivated. (Screw negativity and self-loathing and slothiness.)

3. Dress better. (Decide if i want to look like a tomboy teenager or a cool tomboy teenager.)

4. Socialize. Make a shitload of friends. (A great way to break into the future business world.)

5. Be more useful in life. (Stop wasting away each day learning nothing but new things to hate about myself.)

6. Find passion. (Something to focus on.)

7. Knowledge spurt. (Need to know more about everything and anything.)

8. Be a better human being. (Be as nice and kind-hearted as possible.)

9. Find myself. (I know exactly what i mean.)

10. Make people proud.

Happy New Year to you, Valerie. Have a great one.

Talentless

  I'm not very good at many things. I mean, I'd like to be but i don't think i've been blessed with the ability to do everything. I'm not sure if anyone is, but i know a lot of people who are capable of improving themselves to become a pro at what they do instead of just getting stuck, glued to the same spot for years and years. Yeah well, that's me. I'm super-glued to wherever my skills stand, if i have any. Over the years, i came to realize that i'm someone who can do many things once i'm given the chance to. Those things though, are usually sport-related. If i'm out to make myself feel a little better about myself, i'd include music stuff. I like to convince myself that i am somewhat of an ability to play musical instruments so that i don't feel so restricted to just sports. If i was a litter better at sports that i guess it would've been fine, but since i'm not because i'm just slightly above average. Like, very, extremely slightly. And where is it that very, extremely slightly above average gets you? Oh, that's right, no where.

  So, what does it matter if i can play twenty different sports and play thirty-two musical instruments but it turns out to be that i'm not very good in any of them? That i spend years watching people outgrow and outshine me? It matters very little to nothing. And that's how i feel, like i'm nothing. I feel like the world has a place for everybody but me. It's hard to fit in, it's hard to talk to and communicate with people and although i can do it, sometimes i drag it so much i wish i didn't have a mouth, or a head. Or a body. I just don't really want to be here at times and am i to blame? Ah yes, i guess i am.

  I just hope that there's really something out there for me, that will allow me to feel less useless and not-there. I hope that it's something worthwhile, and cool, and beautiful. And awesome. And beautiful. I'm a man of very limited vocabulary as you can see. Again, one of my non-talents. I write, speak better than a few people but there are about a million others who at least fifty levels above me in the language. Sigh, way to make yourself feel good about yourself. "I know I'm good for something, I just haven't found it yet." Mayday Parade of course, continues to sprinkle me with hope that there is still, hope. For me. Yeah, hope for me. God, haha, how the heck is it possible for me to be so pathetic?