It hurts to think of you. I thought that because I've been through this before, it shouldn't be all that bad this time around. I was wrong. It's worse. Far worse than anything I felt before. I think this might be the worst of the worst. Yeah, this really takes the cake. Anything I thought I knew before, anything I thought I felt before, they were nothing like this; not even close. There are no words I can find to communicate the pain I feel, the longing I feel, the guilt I feel. Pain, longing, guilt --such general words with such broad meaning. Pain, the king of generality. Pain, what is pain?
This is pain. Being able to think is pain. Being able to feel is pain. Being able to exist is pain. Being anywhere without you, is pain. It hurts everywhere because there is no place within me in which you have not touched. My skin, already used to being frequented as a garden your fingers took strolls at; my hair, now a bushy mess but not because of your long, delicate fingers tussling through them; my lips...my lips. This part of me might be the hardest for me to talk about. My lips, touching yours. My lips, pressed so tightly against yours. My lips, enticing yours to open. My lips, your lips, the perfect collision. You have touched me in so many places, and these are just the physical ones. Those that are intangible -- my heart, soul and mind -- they exist now, imbued with you. They exist now, in the shadow of a life before. A life before the non-existence of our relationship.
I chose to leave that life. It was me who made the ultimate decision to pull the plug on us, to cut the anchor loose, to extinguish a fire burning so bright, it had blinded all in its path. It had us blinded, didn't it? And I had to be the one to put it out, because I knew you would never be able to do it. It's odd. Sometimes, I feel that I know you better than I think I do, better than you think I do. But other times, it's like I don't know you at all. Other times, I found myself afraid of the stranger with the face of someone I thought I knew so well. Who are you really? Don't you find it interesting, how I let someone I barely knew into the core of my existence? How I let someone I thought I understood but didn't really, make a home in my heart? Maybe I do know you, maybe I do understand you, but why is there doubt? What's making me doubt myself?
I'm lost. I am, so lost.
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