We've fought before. A lot of times before. We had fallout's just like this happen more than the number of fingers I have on one hand. What's different now is how the fallout spiraled out of control and how the spiraling point, was me. Our fights never lasted long because she'd get worried or missed me too much so she'd call me up and talk to me about what I did wrong. It was always about what I did wrong. I'd fight back. I'd retaliated, to which she'd yelled arguments back at. Then I'd calm down and see the wrong in my actions and apologize. That's what she's good at. Making you see something that was there before. She could make the most illogical thing sound like it was the most practical thing in the whole world and everything else trying to prove that it isn't, is completely wrong and totally playing out of key. We'd usually fight because she did something that hurt my feelings and I'd take it too far by making sure she knew that she had hurt my feelings with any means necessary. This time was no different. The spiraling point was the moment I texted her, "Leave."
It was about support. Her lack of support towards me, towards the things that interest me but not her, towards her never muttering a single positive, encouraging, congratulatory thing to me despite me doing well in something. It's something that's been bothering me lately. Just eating away at me whenever I achieved something. So, when she refused to watch this video I was trying to show her, it wasn't even an important video or anything, but I just wanted to show her all 5 seconds of it, I asked her why couldn't she just do this one, little thing for me. She said that she just didn't want to. She didn't want to bend over backwards, or in this case, turn her fucking head, for me. That's when I told her, "then leave." And, she did.
What's different this time, is that I suggested for her to leave. I've never done that before. She has always been the one hellbent on saying it whenever we fight but I never did. This was the first time I had done that. So, she left. I continued to text her about what she did that hurt me and how I was hurt and how she could've fixed shit if she wanted to. She replied a few times until idk maybe she got tired or something, then the replies stopped. My attempts to get through to her stopped too.
We didn't keep in touch at all. Today's the second day and she just texted an hour ago, telling me that I had to pass something to a friend of ours once her stuff arrives, to which I replied as formally as how her text came. I then proceeded to send her another text, apologizing about how our fight had to happen so near finals and how I hope she was doing okay and focusing enough on her studies. She replied "thank you". The end. There wasn't anything left to say after that.
This time's different because there's actually a really high possibility that things will never be the same between us ever again. Because I don't want to get back together with her, unless she changes her ways. I'm not saying I did no wrong or that I've been a flawless boyfriend, but I honestly think that all the bad stuff she did to me completely outweigh all the bad stuff I've ever done to her. And I just can't take it anymore. I have to decide whether this is the kind of life I want to keep living. I have to decide whether this is the person I want to keep loving. I have to decided whether this is the best option for me.
No. No to all of them. Of course, there's no telling whether my feelings for her will always be this strong as time passes although I do know for a fact that I'll always have a soft spot for her. Her own permanent space in my heart. I just, I cannot do this anymore. I am no longer happy because the sad, troubled times leave a deeper impression than the happy ones. I'm not happy because of I think and have always thought that she could do better. She could do better at making me feel better. She could do better in treating me better. I think I've been deeply wronged in this aspect. Wronged by her and her actions.
But as much as she makes me want to strangle her until maturity finally seeps into that stupid, thick head of hers, I'm so scared of losing her. Because at the end of the day, no one can change the fact that I love her as much as she loves me. Our love is there. Our love is in existence. Our love is equal. The way I've been treated is not. Sigh. I'm so scared that this would turn out to be a mistake, that it was all me, all out of my head. I'm so scared that I did this to the both of us. Although I know it's both of our fault that we've become so destructive and toxic, I can't help but think that, we still had a chance. And by doing all this, I've fucked up that chance. I've sent it on a a train, with a one-way ticket to the shredding machine.
I'm so afraid of losing her.
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