Queen

I gave her all that I had in my wallet, and in my heart. No, I was not deceived. She did not emotionally and physically trick me into doing anything. It really hurts when two people are equally deep in something, but that something just can't seem to work out. It's kind of like lighting something on fire, expecting a bright, hot flame to appear before you but instead, you got this...this little source of light and heat. Although it's too bright to be missed, its too minute, too insignificant to be anything else. So, it kind of just stays there. And you wonder, will it ever die out?

I wonder all the time. During the ups, during the downs. Every turn in our relationship, I would take a step back and think about where this would  take us. If  it would be taking us anywhere at all. If I were being completely honest with myself, I've dropped so far from where I was. Maybe she and I was never meant to be something good, something productive. Wait.

I take that back.

It is something good. Maybe not productive, it really is good. I enjoyed myself when I was allowed the opportunity to. The sad times I would say, are an exact equal to the happy times. As high I felt, as low I'd go. It's like everything is reflected back to me with an equal intensity. I don't really know what I'm saying, but I have nothing in my pockets, nothing in my stomach and nothing in my chest right now. And it's killing me. I'm not sure why I decided to go up to her and dropped all my money onto her desk and walked away like I was made of titanium. I'm not made of titanium. I'm made of paper. Easily written on, written off. Torn. When I walked out of that computer lab, I was as torn as I could possibly be in this life. I think that scene happened because I was trying to get a reaction out of her. I wanted to see what she'd do. What she'd do to me. I was the most excited and intrigued audience in a theater playing the film of my life. So pathetic.

Nothing happened. I gave away my money as easily as I gave away my heart. Funny though, because both things actually meant more to me that I ever dared to admit. But she must have known. She must have known that she mattered more than any of those things. She must have known that she mattered the most.

Doesn't matter. I'm not good enough for love. I can't be. And at this point, I don't really want to be.