It's Been Approximately 1095 Days

I've been a full-time college student for a month now and plenty has happened. I'm starting to understand how things are and how they'll be now, and i'm still unsure whether i should love it or hate it. To sum it all up from the academic perspective of things, there are a shit ton of group assignments. If it were like solo projects, there wouldn't be much fuss about it from me but group assignments are like a cactus in the eye. I hate it. Mostly because more people in a group means more things for all of us to do, especially the leader, which i am, not that i like it because i feel like i'm about to mess things up big time since i'm not exactly in the best condition to lead anything that will have a critical effect on grades. But the fuel to my dislike towards group assignment is also because of the people i have to force myself to work with, especially stupid, lazy, incompetent people. I get it, i used to and still bat for the sloth team too but this is a little too much, and it's not like they're at home picking up the pieces either. They're just idiotic and wasteful and unappreciative of what they have. Stupid bunch of people.

Okay, moving on to the gossip-y section of the update. There might be a possible rise of conflict in my group of course-mates. A conflict of interest. Or a conflict due to similar interest. Basically, there are two guys in my group and a girl whom i myself found to be a lot less than attractive but apparently not to the opposite sex whom they both might be falling for. One won't stop talking about her, the other won't stop text-ing her and doing all those things people do when they're trying to court somebody. It's kind of annoying actually, to hear the same dude yapping about the same pointless thing every single day and every single time the girl is within field of vision. Like seriously, just stop. If you insist on carrying on, at least add some new words into your vocabulary. "Pretty" and "attractive" can get sort of stale after being used around a hundred times in the past 24 hours. So, there's that. And then, there's me. And my other bisexual friend.

As you and i know, i haven't been myself for the past 3 years or so due to my unforeseen mental instability although honestly, the me-now feels like the real me instead of the happy-go-lucky 13 year old me. And ever since i've taken a hit of depression, having affectionate feelings for someone not in my circle of friends is about a quarter of a feet away from improbability. I just haven't been, am not capable of feeling something that happy, that uplifting. I can't bring myself to like someone so much i forget about how much they're going to dislike me as soon as they get to know the actual me. No, my thoughts are there for a reason. These thoughts that feel like they're here to stay are still here because of one thing and one thing only- i'm not ready. I'm not quite over it yet. And before i get over the shadow that has the right pieces of me hidden from the world, i can't help someone else hold a torch. I can't light up someone else's darkness. Not just yet.

But it happened. The rapid, unsteady beating of my heart. The confusion that came after because what the fuck just happened. The air that doesn't seem to go in deep enough to reach my lungs. The face that wouldn't leave my closed eyes. The smile that wouldn't let the clouds return. I felt it, i saw it. I felt it all and saw it all. Why did it happen? Why now? Because apart from the smiles we shared with one another, twice, as she walked past my table at the library and i just happened to look up, we've never had any other social contact. We've never talked. All we've been doing is acknowledging each other's presence. And all i've been doing is staring and wondering and admiring. And hating myself.

I told someone about it. Although i didn't say it on a serious note and didn't mean much of anything when i said it, i told a friend whom i thought would laugh with me and agree with me on things that i find a little troubling to bring up with others about it. I said, "dude, she smiled back. she smiled back. and her smile. it's pretty. she's pretty" and then i lost every chance that i could've had and even the ones that i wasn't supposed to have. In a blink of an eye, while i was busy trying not to stare, trying not to fidget, trying not to breathe like a hyperventilating child, she began to acknowledge someone else's presence and existence. And i stood there, dumbfounded. Angry. Sad. Numb. 

I no longer have the drive to talk about this. I no longer have the strength to think about this.

Save Me But Don't

I gave up hope as it gave up on me
Quitters never win but i'm just trying to stay clean
It's been a long morning and i can feel my hand itch
I can feel the skies crashing down, is this in my head?
If my head's the problem, i think i'm better of dead

Kill me
I want you to save me
Save me
I want you to kill me

I stay up late to see myself becoming something else
I'm scaring myself, i don't have anyone else
I can say all i want but what do i get?
I can scream all i want but what does it do?
Every memory still cuts through and through
Every empty photo frame still reminds me of you

Kill me
I want you to save me
Save me
I want you to kill me

My shoulders are being dragged down
I no longer want to be found
By people i call friends in hopes that they would try to help mend
What they put there themselves along with my family's help
How can i get myself to escape this hell?

Innovation And Change

I am physically and mentally drained. College isn't a distraction, all it does is weigh me down even more. It's hard enough to reach so deep into myself to tug on that single strain of motivation i have left to do my homework and to study, and now i'm forced to deal with the damages that come along with judgmental, narrow-minded lecturers like the one that teaches me Innovation&Change at school. I find it bloody ironic how someone with the depth of understanding as shallow as baby pools would be teaching college students on innovation and change. Let's not kid ourselves, the lady has problems coming to terms with the world's coming-of-age, how in God's name will she be able to teach us a subject on embracing what was seen as a taboo back when the world was in a much darker and ignorant place? All she ever does in class is complain about the lack of parking space at school or promote Christianity because everything wrong in the new world is due to its lack of belief in God and God's teachings. I signed up for Innovation&Change and not bible study. There's a flipping thick line between school and Sunday school and my lecturer needs to see it. She needs to see it and understand it, before she gets hit by a brick in the chest. By me.

Now, i usually have a considerately high respect towards teachers because i acknowledge the challenges of being an educator but this particular lecturer i find no patience or understanding for. Even my econs lecturer, who can be a complete inconsiderate bitch at times, has my respect because she doesn't cross the line between a student's life and a student's school life. She doesn't judge you based on the way you dress, or your possible-gender-preference, she just does what she's being paid to do because that's her only responsibility, to ensure that we as students don't flunk out on whatever that she's teaching and not who we should date or how we should portray ourselves. This is where my I&C lecturer lost all my student-teacher respect towards her. It's not like i go to class looking like i want to get laid or have tattoos all over my body and face or stink with so much cigarette smoke i could choke the entire class, not that it's bad to be like that because what we do with our body is our choice and it doesn't concern or affect anyone else but ourselves. And fuck her because even if i did have all that, you can't classify me as a fuck-up just because i look like a fuck-up. You can't look like a fuck-up, you can only act like a fuck-up. I don't get why that's a concept she just can't grasp on.

And what does my sexual orientation have anything to do with my grades? Unless it's not my grades she's worried about but oh wait, that's not right because it's a teacher's only responsibility to care about a student's grade more than anything else. I mean sure, they can get involved with other shit like a student's mental health or whatever that might bring harm to student and also maybe the society but hello, my sexual orientation isn't bringing you or the society harm is it? The only harm any homosexual, bisexual, transgender get are from people like her. The ones who wouldn't try to see the world from our eyes, who wouldn't try to understand that a gay me and a non-gay me would act exactly the same because that's who i am. I can't change who i am, i can only change how people see me because if i did, i'd be lying to myself, i'd be spending my whole life pretending to be someone else. Why should i die as someone else? Why shouldn't i die as myself? I don't get it. When my lecturer said, "we have to be different. we have to be our very own self" i wanted to drink from my bottle, laugh and spill all that water from the inside of my mouth into her face because she just told the entire class while she stared very obviously at me how its "wrong to be bisexual. it's wrong to cross-dress. it's wrong to want to be a girl when you're born a boy. it's weird. you shouldn't try any of it."

I'm sorry, try? TRY? Bitch, the only thing i was trying to do was holding myself back from throwing you off the ninth floor of the building. We aren't trying to be or trying to do anything. We aren't TRYING. We're just being what we're made to be. We're just feeling what we're made to feel. Love. Is that so wrong? Just because your version of love is more popular among the human race doesn't make our version of love any less beautiful, any less real. We're not disgusting. We're not wrong. There is no right or wrong. If there is, there's none you have the right to make. I'm so sick of hearing this. I'm so sick of explaining this in my head. I'm tired.

Sometimes I Can't Breathe

I've always seen the word "anxiety" getting thrown around on social medias and as much as i understood the definition of the word and what it brings into people's lives, i never really thought that it'd one day tap on my  vacant shoulder(the other occupied by depression since a while ago) and demand to tag along for the ride. I've long come to terms with the depressive side of me and i like to think that there's a certain line of peace drawn between me and the melancholic me, but never once have i thought about other mental disorders that haunt the rest of the human race because i've always been so sure that this is it, this is all God would have me carry on my weak, still-underage back, but obviously life just loves to prove me wrong.

My depression isn't going away, not for a long time i'm sure, but i'm learning to be fine with that. All of us have our own tormentors. Those who disagree are either too headstrong to admit their crippling fears, or still haven't come face to face with their demons that had always been disguised as something else. If they're lucky, their demons come one and alone, making the one-on-one battle somewhat fair but if they're not, they may come in two's, a herd even, and where's the fairness in that? To be honest, i don't have the slightest clue on what i'm trying to say or why i'm trying to say what i'm trying to say. I just really wanted to say that i might have anxiety. Not social anxiety or phobic anxiety. It's more general anxiety than anything else. 

Sometimes, i just can't breathe. Every breath comes short and they never feel like they're enough, like my lungs have so much space in them but the air going in doesn't even fill up a quarter of the space. And every part of my body feels like they're burning and it only gets hotter and hotter. My sweaty and sometimes clammy palms and feet get even sweatier and clammier but whatever i do, as much as i wipe my palms on my shirt, my pants, the dampness never seems to leave. My chest feels like a concert hall with a metal band playing but only the drums and bass are making sounds. I feel the beat getting faster with every second that passes until i reach the point where the feeling inside my chest stops mirroring the beating of drums or rapid strums on a bass guitar, instead it begins to resemble a riot happening in a tiny and cramped prison cell, with every single one of the inmates banging against every part of the four walls trying to break their way through. My head feels as light as a feather and everything captured by my two eyes start to swirl but in a way that still allows me to see everything as it is but i just no longer know what they are or where i am or how am i still here. It feels like everything's where they should be and i'm the only one who's getting swirled around. I'm always feeling like i'm swirling around.

Before today, i've always thought of all this as normal. I thought if not everyone then most people felt this sudden nervousness in the middle of day while they sat in class completing their work or at night as they lie in bed reading a novel by their favorite author. I thought semi-constant giddiness was common among young adults, i thought it was all part of the puberty or post-puberty process. Every time my chest gets tight and my head gets light, i thought it was excitement that i was feeling. It wasn't until i kept asking myself, "excited yes, but what about?" and realizing that i never had an answer, not even once, that i concluded that there was in fact, nothing normal about this.

I used to think that i had most of it figured out. My flaws, my issues, my demons. Like, although i'm not sure where my life is headed, at least i'm sure of what i am. At least, i had some part of my life figured out. And then this happened. I can't say that this came out of nowhere because it didn't. I've had feelings like these since years before. Now that i've been thinking real hard about it, i'm quite certain that this surfaced about the same time as my depression did and like my depression, i didn't know it was depression until i got myself extremely involved with more open-minded social networks like Tumblr and Twitter instead of Facebook which everybody i know was active on. They explained to me what no parent, schoolmate or friend could ever explain. They gave me answers to questions i didn't even know i had. They were the first to bring light into my dark life and it was only because of that light, i realized that my life had been dark all long. Without it, without that light, i'd never have known how dark my path was, how blind my steps were.

Some would say if i hadn't known i was sad, i wouldn't have centered my world around it and spent so much time tormenting myself about why i was sad or how i need to get myself to be not-sad because you only fix what's broken and if it's not, you wouldn't have to waste any time and energy on it. That's what they thought, that my self-discovery was seen as a mistake. Imagine, i would imagine them saying, imagine the things you could've done if you weren't so busy trying to fix something you didn't even know was broken in the first place, you've come this far without falling, i'm sure another decade or so of  obliviousness wouldn't mean all that much.

I don't care if they think that i've wasted my time. I don't care if they think i'd be better off in the dark. Right now, i'm glad i'm out of the dark. I'm glad i'm out of the dark although still chained from the neck down trying to break free from the darkness. My darkness. Discovering another side of me today has been a morbid experience but again, i'm grateful that it happened because now i know i'm another step closer to figuring myself out. You can't fix what you didn't know was broken, but you can when you do. As i try to fix the sad part of me, i'll now also try to fix the anxious part of me.