Right, so I know I shouldn't be thinking about it again since I've got three papers to sit for this week but I've done some analyzing and I guess I wanted to share? I think it's more than crystal clear how unsatisfied I am with how everything turned out to be. Why? Because I had nothing to do with it. Like, literally. All I attempted to be was a peacemaker, and honestly I wasn't even the only one playing that role and yet I've got the biggest bulls eye on my head. Was it really my fault? Was it such a huge sin for me to not want to see a friendship of four or so years fall apart? It's not fair. I wanted us to stick together. I wanted us to enjoy the last year of high school together as a group of mates that had each others' backs no matter what. But apparently, I was the only one foolish or naive enough to have thought that what we had was something solid enough to be called a friendship. Well, obviously time has proven it to be otherwise.
A lot of people would say that "things happen for a reason" or "now you know who your real friends are", and yeah I guess I'm in agreement, but a little part of me, okay maybe like a very, very big part of me is still stuck in the past. That part of me still refuses to let go of what is over and done with isn't letting the rest of me enjoy my remaining moments with my other friends. Who knows? Maybe fate was right, he and I were just two friends that were never meant to be. Maybe my other friends were my "real friends". Sigh, but it isn't fair. Even if he didn't want to be my friend anymore, at least have a good enough reason to leave. Knowing him, his oversensitiviy and stubborn attitude were probably the two main culprit of my group of friends' fallout. And it's because of his lack of better judgment in selection of friends, he will one day be alone in his two bit apartment wondering if he should've calmed down and talked things out with us. Maybe then he woulnd't be as pathetic and friendless, but oh, too bad because it's too damn late.
I hope you're enjoying your life now with the people who you think are you true friends. And I hope that you'll be able to pull yourself together and bring yourself back up when these "friends" of yours leave you to pursue their more important relationships and other things in life that doesn't involve your presence in because we all got priorities in life, don't we? And it isn't written in stone that you always had to be on top of them. Even though you were pretty much at the top few of mine. It's such a shame you had to abuse your right in mine thought, so hasta la vista baby, I couldn't give two shits about your broken heart when you realize who were there for real and who weren't.
I'm sure I'll be feeling sorry that I had this posted up at around 2 a.m later when I'm wide awake and guilty on my bed, but there's no way I'll be taking this down anytime soon, or saying my sorry's because this needs to be said and heard by the future me as a reminder to never let down my walls to people who deserves nothing less. Also, I will not apologize for being pissed at you. You deserve all the hate that I'm able to muster up.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Tay and Ed Were Right, Everything Has Changed
It's been what, less than half a year since i posted something up here and so much has changed. The amount of what's changed is so big that it kind of feels like everything has changed although it probably didn't and i was just being dramatic. But some things definitely has changed though, and there aren't all good things. Honestly, there hasn't been a single good thing in whatever that changed in the short course of half a year. They're all just bad upon bad and worse upon worse. I can't really think of the things that turned from bad to worse but there is something that stands out from everything else. Maybe because it was fairly recent, maybe because it was the ultimate bad thing that happened, i don't know. The only thing i do know, is that i hated it for happening. I really, really do.
You know like, there are so many 'expressions' in the internet about getting dumped by partners or friends turning into strangers and i've always been behind the screen of my phone as a witness to it all, their pain, sadness and regret. But never have i experienced it firsthand, until lately. No, i didn't get into a relationship. The only ship that went Titanic on me is one of my friendships. At least, i thought of it as a friendship. God knows what the other person thought of our companionship as. Yep, made a mistake of trusting someone too much and putting in all these effort into them just to see it become a pile of shit at the side of the road. A pile of shit at the side of the road would probably have more appeal than what i did for them because they'd at least spare a glance at the poop next to their feet when the walk over it, which is more than i can say for the relationship between them and i because not only did they walk over me, they did it without even taking a goddamn glance down at me, or what i've done for them. And for that, i can't help but feel like the biggest idiot in the world. It's like whoaaa, so this is how backstabbing feels like. Yeah, gotta say though, after what i've been through for the past month, i'm not a fan of getting left behind.
Left behind. Sigh, i was abandoned. They abandoned me without turning back. They did what they did without the slightest hesitation. And how was i supposed to feel about that? How was i supposed to get myself to get over that? Because it sucks, seeing yourself gradually being dumped by a person whom you've always thought so affectionately of. You've always put yourself out there so that you could always be there when they need you. You've always been willing to do whatever it took to make them happy because you know how hard life was for him. You've always assumed that this friendship will go on forever and that you'd always have each other's backs because you've known each other for such a long time. But, no. You thought wrong. If there's ever been a worst decision you've made, it'll probably be the one where you ultimately decided that you had a friend, that you weren't totally and pathetically alone in this world.
I know that because i made the horrible mistake of making that error. I wish i could take it back because it haunts me. They haunt me. Our memories together.Our laughter. Our smiles. Our secrets. And it kills me to finally come out of my shell of denial to realize that it was only me who cared about whatever that we built between us. I hate you. I hate you so much. And not because you had nonchalantly threw me away like i was a used toy, but because you made me think lowly of myself. You let me poison my own mind. You disgust me more than any rapist or murderer ever did.
You made me convince myself that there was nothing about me that made me good enough for anyone or for this world. You made me believe that i was nothing and will continue to be nothing because i couldn't i even keep a friendship of eight years afloat. You made me think that i was all things bad and being with me will only cause people pain and a shit load of inconvenience because i was a burden. I thought i wasn't worth it. I thought i wasn't worth anything. And this was before you turned your back on me without muttering a word of explanation. After all that happened, it only came to proof that i really wasn't worth it, that i really wasn't worth anything. How could you do that to me? Or to anyone? You're so fucking sick, you know that? Is it fun for you to make me feel like i'm the one who did something wrong? Who did something so bad that i deserved all this?
There is nothing i want more than to spit on your face when i see you because you still had the audacity to smile your shit smile at me like nothing happened, like you didn't just casually ignore and stop talking to me for a month, like you weren't the one who started telling other people things that you used to tell me. I'm not jealous. God no, i'm not fucking jealous. I'm goddamn pissed that you pulled something so fake on me. Am i not even worth your true emotions? Oh wait, i was probably the only one who saw our friendship as anything remotely real. My fucking mistake.
And you know what's the most pathetic out of all this crap? The fact that even though i can't wait to sucker punch you in the face, i still want you to be okay. I know you're going through some tough shit, and i understand whatever it is that makes you stay wide awake at night because i really, totally get it, and that's why i want you to be alright. Despite the fact that you basically shoved me back into the pit of darkness that i just barely managed to crawl out of. Wow, isn't that one hell of an achievement for you? Great job, friend. Your mom must be so proud of the man you've become because i know i am.
I'm extremely proud that you've upgraded yourself from being a liar to a two-faced liar. That's really something, isn't it? You know what, if you didn't like me in the first place, you should have just stayed the fuck away. You shouldn't have come crawling to me when your family got fucked up and when you had "things that only you can understand, val" to say to me. And how pathetic is it of me to still hope that everything's fine with you. To hope that you're in a better place than i am.
You fucked me up. You fucked my fucked-up self even more that it's already fucked up. Maybe i'm blowing things out of proportion, maybe i'm exaggerating about what really happened because my fucked up head tends to do that, but when i put myself, all of myself out there for someone to have them not only failing to do the same for me but also kicking my lousy, piece of shit ass to the curb and making me feel even more lousy and shitty that i already was feeling, things tend to get a little heated up. And i tend to lose my crap over it.
If only temper was the only thing i lost in this dumb ordeal and not my sleep, my peace and that little piece of my heart that i claimed to be little because i didn't want to sound sadder and more pathetic than i already did.
But in the end, i'm still the pathetic one because you're not the one with the heavy eye-bags and tear-soaked pillow cases. And i'm not the one enjoying the last days of high school surrounded by people who liked me, genuinely enjoyed being around me and would do anything to continue being around me.
In the end, i'm still sad and alone. And very, very lonely.
You know like, there are so many 'expressions' in the internet about getting dumped by partners or friends turning into strangers and i've always been behind the screen of my phone as a witness to it all, their pain, sadness and regret. But never have i experienced it firsthand, until lately. No, i didn't get into a relationship. The only ship that went Titanic on me is one of my friendships. At least, i thought of it as a friendship. God knows what the other person thought of our companionship as. Yep, made a mistake of trusting someone too much and putting in all these effort into them just to see it become a pile of shit at the side of the road. A pile of shit at the side of the road would probably have more appeal than what i did for them because they'd at least spare a glance at the poop next to their feet when the walk over it, which is more than i can say for the relationship between them and i because not only did they walk over me, they did it without even taking a goddamn glance down at me, or what i've done for them. And for that, i can't help but feel like the biggest idiot in the world. It's like whoaaa, so this is how backstabbing feels like. Yeah, gotta say though, after what i've been through for the past month, i'm not a fan of getting left behind.
Left behind. Sigh, i was abandoned. They abandoned me without turning back. They did what they did without the slightest hesitation. And how was i supposed to feel about that? How was i supposed to get myself to get over that? Because it sucks, seeing yourself gradually being dumped by a person whom you've always thought so affectionately of. You've always put yourself out there so that you could always be there when they need you. You've always been willing to do whatever it took to make them happy because you know how hard life was for him. You've always assumed that this friendship will go on forever and that you'd always have each other's backs because you've known each other for such a long time. But, no. You thought wrong. If there's ever been a worst decision you've made, it'll probably be the one where you ultimately decided that you had a friend, that you weren't totally and pathetically alone in this world.
I know that because i made the horrible mistake of making that error. I wish i could take it back because it haunts me. They haunt me. Our memories together.Our laughter. Our smiles. Our secrets. And it kills me to finally come out of my shell of denial to realize that it was only me who cared about whatever that we built between us. I hate you. I hate you so much. And not because you had nonchalantly threw me away like i was a used toy, but because you made me think lowly of myself. You let me poison my own mind. You disgust me more than any rapist or murderer ever did.
You made me convince myself that there was nothing about me that made me good enough for anyone or for this world. You made me believe that i was nothing and will continue to be nothing because i couldn't i even keep a friendship of eight years afloat. You made me think that i was all things bad and being with me will only cause people pain and a shit load of inconvenience because i was a burden. I thought i wasn't worth it. I thought i wasn't worth anything. And this was before you turned your back on me without muttering a word of explanation. After all that happened, it only came to proof that i really wasn't worth it, that i really wasn't worth anything. How could you do that to me? Or to anyone? You're so fucking sick, you know that? Is it fun for you to make me feel like i'm the one who did something wrong? Who did something so bad that i deserved all this?
There is nothing i want more than to spit on your face when i see you because you still had the audacity to smile your shit smile at me like nothing happened, like you didn't just casually ignore and stop talking to me for a month, like you weren't the one who started telling other people things that you used to tell me. I'm not jealous. God no, i'm not fucking jealous. I'm goddamn pissed that you pulled something so fake on me. Am i not even worth your true emotions? Oh wait, i was probably the only one who saw our friendship as anything remotely real. My fucking mistake.
And you know what's the most pathetic out of all this crap? The fact that even though i can't wait to sucker punch you in the face, i still want you to be okay. I know you're going through some tough shit, and i understand whatever it is that makes you stay wide awake at night because i really, totally get it, and that's why i want you to be alright. Despite the fact that you basically shoved me back into the pit of darkness that i just barely managed to crawl out of. Wow, isn't that one hell of an achievement for you? Great job, friend. Your mom must be so proud of the man you've become because i know i am.
I'm extremely proud that you've upgraded yourself from being a liar to a two-faced liar. That's really something, isn't it? You know what, if you didn't like me in the first place, you should have just stayed the fuck away. You shouldn't have come crawling to me when your family got fucked up and when you had "things that only you can understand, val" to say to me. And how pathetic is it of me to still hope that everything's fine with you. To hope that you're in a better place than i am.
You fucked me up. You fucked my fucked-up self even more that it's already fucked up. Maybe i'm blowing things out of proportion, maybe i'm exaggerating about what really happened because my fucked up head tends to do that, but when i put myself, all of myself out there for someone to have them not only failing to do the same for me but also kicking my lousy, piece of shit ass to the curb and making me feel even more lousy and shitty that i already was feeling, things tend to get a little heated up. And i tend to lose my crap over it.
If only temper was the only thing i lost in this dumb ordeal and not my sleep, my peace and that little piece of my heart that i claimed to be little because i didn't want to sound sadder and more pathetic than i already did.
But in the end, i'm still the pathetic one because you're not the one with the heavy eye-bags and tear-soaked pillow cases. And i'm not the one enjoying the last days of high school surrounded by people who liked me, genuinely enjoyed being around me and would do anything to continue being around me.
In the end, i'm still sad and alone. And very, very lonely.
Halfway Through
Well, hello. It's been a while, hasn't it? My monthly absence had something to do with the applications on my phone which are easier to access and you know, post stuff whenever wherever. So yeah, it was much more convenient than coming on here, not that i'm complaining because nothing ever beats the feeling of your fingers swiftly typing away on a keyboard. Honestly, it's been so long since i actually used a keyboard and my fingers are rather rusty with their movements. I keep making typos and they're annoying as getting a 74 in a test. Anyway, another reason for my continued lack of appearance is none other than the cockblocking done by SPM. Yeah, i'm actually smashed right in the middle of it right now. Tomorrow's paper's history-- the last history paper that i'll be sitting for since there are three in total. Dumb, but it does assist us dumb students to get marks. One hard subject down, three more to go. Well, four really. The science subs are a bitch and accounts is the spawn of Satan. God, i wish i never have to go through numbers that complicated ever again.
Now, i didn't really come onto here to moan about my remaining SPM days. Two more weeks and i'm home-free. One more step closer to being an adult. Everyone's been on my case about what field i should consider to go into. They're like "oh, go for Business or Finance. Val, be a banker." That wouldn't be much of a problem if math and numbers weren't the bane of my existence. There is literally nothing i despise more than numbers. Nothing. And that's saying a lot since i'm one of those people who have issues with almost everything that breathes. Or not breathe. What can i say? Issues will be issues. Anyway, i honestly have no clue what i might want to do in the future. Of course, i have multiple options to choose from and honestly, they're pretty wide-ranged since my mom is rather supportive in that area. She wants be to find something that's able to keep my interest perked up so i don't regret and give up halfway through second semester and uni and waste her life's saving. Plus, i have a younger brother. So, making the wise choice would be, wise.
Yet, i have no idea which would be the wise choice. Oh, wait, i kind of do but i'm in denial. A whole lot of denial. I don't want to do finance, that's for sure. I'm leaving my Business option wide open because that doesn't seem as life-sucking as Finance but i still can't be too sure. After all, i'm probably too dumb to approach something as flexible and ever-changing as the world of business. It freaks me out, knowing that business is the base to anything and everything in the adult world and if i were to venture myself in it, there are only two possible futures for me. One, i get rich in a span of 10 years and have a nice car, a nice pad, a few Corgis and a damn good pair of headphones, or two. Also, several musical instruments of high quality of my liking. But of course, that's just one of the possibilities. Number two, i work for 10 years from company to company, getting nowhere, having to send my mom to live with my probably still in college younger brother and sleep under the town bridge every other night with one sock on.
I don't know, i'm just saying that it could happen. But maybe i won't go into a Business degree. Maybe i'll put myself up for something else, but God knows what other option do i have left on my table. A few months back i was considering HR because it was something that had the most relation to psychology, which is something i think i've managed to convince myself to like. See, that's my problem. I'm always going around telling people that i think psychology's interesting, but i never really looked into it. I mean yeah, the whole thing is cool, no doubt, but it wasn't cool enough for me to want to read books written about it, or i don't know, youtube videos that related to psychology or whatever. I guess the whole concept of it just appealed to me. Plus, if i were good enough, i could even become a doctor which is actually one of my more crazy dreams because that obviously is way out of my league. But yeah, i considered psychology but i'm unsure about it because you sure as hell can't get jobs with a psych degree from where i'm from.
Then, i thought, you know, i really like music. Like, i have a really big 'thing' for music. But too bad i have zero talent in it and even if i did, what difference would it make? I'd still go nowhere. So this undoubtedly goes down my list of crazy dreams not to be achieved in this lifetime. Or ever. It's really sad because i really do love music. I love a lot of things, but i'm never good enough to be great in it. Hence me not achieving anything. I wish i was great in something. Not just good, but great. So i know i'd be able to survive a world of whatever that was instead of sitting here being worried as heck about not being able to feed my mom or brother or grandmother in the future. Being the oldest had its perks, but are they enough to weigh out the cons?
I have a lot more to say, but it has nothing to do with this topic so i'll just post it up later. Peace.
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