Nobody's Child

  Well. Just when i thought that things couldn't get any worse, it just did, like approximately 5 minutes ago. What is it this time val? You weren't allowed to buy new shoes? You realized that your favorite movie you've been waiting to be released isn't going to come out until next year during your exams? I wish things were that simple. I'm still rather shocked from the news that i've just heard from a family member. The memory's so fresh that i can still see the motion of my grandma's lips as she pronounced each and every word. I'm typing all this from my cellphone so it's a little frustrating but i don't know what do with myself right now. If i tried watching tv, i'd end up going up to the DVD player to switch the movie every 10 seconds. If i tried reading a book, i'd most likely end up on the floor and i couldn't do that do any of my books. If i tried listening to music, i might break down. So, here i am on Blogger, trying to express myself into words that are becoming more and more blurry under the lens of my eyes.

  Honestly, i feel like a brat for doing this right now, complaining about my not-very-problematic-problem online when there are millions of people starving to death halfway across the world, but i needed to tell somebody. And because somebody doesn't exist in my life, i'm turning my attention towards the ever trustworthy and reliable online journal. I love my online journal because like my diary, it doesn't talk back when i say something mean or hurtful, it doesn't judge when i'm stripped bare in front of it and most importantly, it doesn't leave. All that's just great but when someone really needs a pep talk or some sort of support, an online journal or diary would've been completely and utterly useless, but i don't need a pep talk, i don't need somebody to cheer me up from the dumps. I just need somebody to listen to me, to hear what i have to say and then quietly understand what exactly i am going through. No human being can do that so this is where i come to whenever i'm feeling, like, this.

  I've never really leaked out any gory information about my family or my home because i think that's dangerous to do online and it's wrong like why would you trashtalk about your family somewhere where everyone in the world can see when they feel like it. I've never exposed my family and never will, but they keep hurting me nevertheless.

  We've never been a happy family as far as i can tell. The happiest of the days would be, never. Believe me, i did try to think of some day where my mom and dad was there, my brother, my grandma, me, everybody with smiling faces, but that day just doesn't exist. It has always been a falling-out-routine for us and when there are kids involved in this, wow, things just become a lot more complicated. And when one of the kids happen to be of age and being able to understand these things that are happening around her, well kid, prepare yourself for some fucked up bullshit. Being the eldest of siblings isn't just being the one with the oldest age, it means being the one who feels the hurt, the pain first. The one to cry yourself to bed while your little brother or sister sleeps peacefully every night. The one who gets it the worst when one of your parents leave. And the one who has to take care, to look out for her younger siblings, to make sure that they don't feel anything that you're feeling or going through anything remotely similar to your own condition.

  I love my brother. And i hope he doesn't feel the way that i do right now when he gets the news, but he's luckier than i am in some ways. Ever since my mom and dad had problems, i've always been the one whom they wanna beat up cause i seemed to be always in the way, and when they mentioned divorce, i was the one who told my grandma to keep everything from my brother because he was 4 and was still too young to understand this while i go to wherever empty space i could find at home to try and figure things out myself. When my mom found somebody else and seemingly had settled down but not in a away two people in love would, i pushed my brother to be good, to be the sweet boy that he was and of course he did. He had the face and personality for it so it didn't take much for people to adore him. And so, he became my mom's favorite and i'm cool with that because that little boy who didn't know the truth till a few years before deserved that much from life.I pushed him to be closer with my dad too, and i think he did. I could tell from the way he talks about him, how much he loved and looked up to him. It's not fair. It's not fair that my brother had to grow up without his father.

  As for myself, my father loved me too, i know that but i could tell just how much he wants to change me. I mean who else in my family wouldn't? My dad and grandma always telling me off about my hair. My grandma telling me how i was fat and ugly and didn't wanna do anything to change that about me. My grandma telling me to study, to do more than what i'm doing now because i'm already a big, fat disappointment and a waste of her time, energy and money. The only person who didn't pressure me about being me much was my mom, but it's not like she's Mother Theresa either. When she's in a bad mood, i can't even greet her without being scolded so badly that it makes me regret being born into this world. She doesn't realize it but every time she speaks to me, it's always been about her. And when she's actually talking about me, either she's nagging at me, sarcastically scolding me or just downright driving a blade into my heart. She was never one to think before talking anyways. So i gotta hold my chin up, at least until i reach the stairs up to my room, and then i rush up when she turns away. I usually spend the whole afternoon or night crying my heart out by the window, feeling sorry for myself because nobody would. And then when it's time for bed, i go into my bathroom, brush my teeth, clean up a bit and go to bed. I had to make sure i looked fine before i go to bed as i share a room with three other people and my grandma sleeps right next to me. Usually, before i lay myself down, my grandma would wait up for me until the lights are turned off and she finally shuts her eyes. To avoid getting questions i didn't want to answer, i needed to pull the "i'm totally fine" act and it works every time. It normally reaches 1 or 2 o'clock in the morning when i start to over-think and break down again.

  So now that i know i won't and can't be the daughter and granddaughter that my parents and grandma wanted me to be, i just stop being so great. I kind of stopped trying because no matter what i do, they don't really see me coming back with a trophy or cert, they just see the fact that i got it but so could everybody else. And now, there's this sinking feeling in my heart, the one i sometimes get like when my grandfather died, my great-grandmother died, my parents' divorce, my father leaving us, my mother leaving us, my grandmother leaving me, my father getting a new wife, my mother caring about someone else more than she did us, my father getting a new daughter.

  You see, i end up being nobody's child because they all got replacements for me. New and even more excellent replacements. My mom gets to have an un-messed up kid who grows up to be a great-looking fellow and brings back a wonderful, charming girl along with a qualifications from a big-shot university. My grandma gets to see one of her more "right" grandchild succeed in life and comes back with a fancy job that enables him to have rice on his rice bowl every other night. My father gets to have a normal daughter that he can actually spend actual time with, gets her normal girl-clothes that she'd wear and get to see her find a good boyfriend which is something i would never be able to do. Oh, and the new kid probably would have better hair too, something my dad had always wanted from me.

  Sigh, i hope that the little girl coming to this world soon would at least have a better childhood and maybe better life than i did and would have in the near future for at the end of the day, i'm nobody's child. Lyrics from an All Time Low song come to mind, "Love yourself so no one has to, they're better off without you." Still, i wish that things could've turned out differently than it did. Peace.