I know i kind of promised to elaborate more on my trip to the overseas, but i'm not really in the mood to type an 8-paged essay out right now. Honestly? I'm pissed. I'm annoyed. I'm being rather teenage-y tonight. I feel like, no actually, i don't feel anything much right now. It's kind of like this wall you hit when you're trying to reach into your heart/soul in search of a word to describe a feeling but of course you hit the wall and realize that you're actually feeling nothing. So, correction. I WAS pissed. I WAS annoyed, but i'm still being teenage-y because i'm here typing this out. I'm feeling like an insecure 15-year old teenage girl tonight for i just realized again how much of a pathetic loser i am. Pathetic because i'm letting my insecurities control me and i'm a loser because things that shouldn't matter to me or to anyone else actually does mean a lot to me. You know i'm just sick and tired of me being so pathetic. People say i have the power to do something about it and i know i do, but when you're sick and tired, all you wanna do is to just stab yourself and die.
I'm also tired of being the one who always turns into the odd-one-out. For me, things have always been like this. First hour, i'm into socializing and talking and making jokes about things that aren't really funny and just trying to do things that hold people together. Second hour, i talk and i nod and i watch things play out from the passenger seat. Third hour, i stop talking and i lose interest in everything and i wander into the darkness and see how everything is from an even further distance. Fourth hour, i start hating on things and i curse at anyone who attempts a conversation and i throw shitty looks at everyone and ruin everybody's damn day. When do i turn into the odd-one-out? At the end of the second hour. It's because only when i'm seeing things from the sidelines, i see how i've never really fitted in with everything. I turn around and i see people, friends, family, chatting and laughing and having the time of their lives while i'm just there. It's like i'm always just there, after the second hour that is.
So, this is like a uh, a process with actual steps that i go through everyday of my life. It always happens automatically. I don't have to set a timer or reminder and it works like there's some biological clock within me that likes the idea of me playing a part in this stupid process of becoming the odd-one-out. I can't help it either because this process thing, it's kind of like a wake-up call telling me that it's time to wake up and clean your face so you can see that you're not really in the crowd, you're just in the room with the crowd. It gives me a hard, cold reminder that i don't have to keep trying to get or become something that i'm not and will never be able to be. I will never really be a part of something, not in a group of friends, not in a group of mutual liking people, not even in my own family, but you know, it's me, not them. It has always been just me. I wish if like um, by blaming me, the world could become a little, just a little more sane and peaceful and happy. So this is me for the night. God i'm so happy that nobody other than me actually reads this because i'd be really, really messed up if someone else finds out so much about what's going on in my head right now. #perksofbeingafriendlessandunpopularloser. Peace.
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