I changed my tie! By that, I mean I finally got over her and now there's sort of a new "her" in my life. I don't mean to compare the loves of my life to a clothing accessory, but both are something I wish I could have with me for the rest of my life. Wow, did I just indirectly say I love her? The new "her"? I need to be put on a leash because god knows what kind of shit i'll get myself into this time. I need to fucking chill. She's always telling me to chill and i should really listen to her. It's actually crazy how much i want to listen to her. And I haven't even met her yet.
I'm meeting her for the first time in four more days. Our first date, after almost three weeks of conversing non-stop on Tinder then WhatsApp. This is the kind of plot development i live for. Since settling on a date for the date, my chest never stopped reminding me of the fear circulating from organ to organ. I'm scared to meet her. I'm terrified about seeing her face and realizing i'll want to see it everyday. I'm worried about wanting to hold her hand when I haven't even shaken it yet. This fear of getting ahead of myself, it keeps me up on most nights. I think about her eyes when they fall on me for the first time. The disappointment in them will have me scarred for life. I think about the silence we might share, how it suffocates her and makes her wish she hadn't come to meet me, makes her wish she never replied my hellooo!
The past couple of weeks brought more joy into my life than the year before it did. Amidst the rush of excitement, fear and happiness, I start to see myself as someone likable. Someone another person would enjoy being around. Bad days are gradually becoming occasional and during short moments of self-destruction and hatred, I find it easier to to pull myself back up. I probably owe it all to her. You could say that she came into my life at the most optimum time. She walked right in as I was wedging myself out of the space i spent 8 months calling home, between a worthwhile mistake and an open door. Her name is Dania.
Dania whom I haven't met, but has perfectly drawn eyebrows and wears a pair of round-rimmed glasses on days she doesn't have black contacts on. Dania who likes sunsets and sunshine days. Dania who is anti-potato unless they're skinny McDonald's fries. Dania who can't take naps because they make her cranky and steal sleep away from her at night. Dania who loves traveling and has been to many beautiful places like Bangkok where she would like to make a home out of. Dania who smokes because it used to be her crutch on days when she was broken, but is now only a continued habit due to addiction. Dania who likes durian, and cakes and all things sweet. Dania who has a younger brother who misses her. Dania who has parents that cherish each other very much and continue to prove that true love does exist and is achievable, maybe not for all but for some of the lucky ones. Dania who makes my heart race when she tells me she misses me at 3 in the morning while i'm fast asleep. Dania who makes me laugh out loud because she's a sarcastic little shit. Dania who makes me smile like I'm proud of my teeth when she tells me things about herself, her life. Dania who makes me happy.
And it's only been a little over two weeks.
She hasn't even heard my voice. I haven't even seen her face. Yet somehow, I feel like everything will be okay. Pieces will fall into place, stars will align the way they do and my pulse will show me how i feel about her. I wish i knew how she felt about me.
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