14 January 2016

A month today. Valentine's Day.
A month today. A planned surprise.
A month today. Smiles.
A month today. Love.

Today. Anger.
Today. Sadness.
Today. Numbness.
Today. Depression.

I've been listening to the same song for over four hours. I can go on. I will go on. There's nothing to do. Although I want to do something, write something, draw something, sing something, I'm empty. There is nothing to do, nothing to write, nothing to draw, nothing to sing.

I turned my laptop on and clicked "play". I went to open up Google. I stared at the search bar. I heard the same damn song play over my headphones. I stared at the search bar even more. I listened even harder to the same damn song play over my headphones. I spent 40 minutes staring at the Google page with nothing on my mind. My hands do not know what to do because my brain isn't giving out any instructions. My brain isn't giving out any instructions because my brain isn't working. My brain isn't working because it doesn't want to.

It can't.

Everything feels surreal. Such a blur. My nightmares are clearer than this. My nightmares are clearer than the present I am forced to call reality. I hear the song. I see the words I type. I don't know what I am doing. I just.

I don't know where I go from here.

I replay the song.

There is nowhere I want to go from here.

I listen to the song.

I live in it now, the song. I relate to the lyrics and to the melody. I want them to relate to her too.

She's probably still watching TV. Either she doesn't care or she's pretending that it didn't happen. I don't know which hurts more. Actually, they both hurt equally because not caring means I don't matter and pretending that it didn't happen means she no longer wants me to matter.

I don't know if avoiding the issue helps. I've never avoided anything. I've never been avoided either. Until today. Until now.