Edited

when i'm not loving you

it’s quite hard to see pass death

your hands tangled in my hair

it takes me to my next breath

i won't close my eyes

this way I won’t lose sight of you

i just want to see you a little longer

come close, don't you worry

you won't ever lose me

I can tell what’s your biggest fear

but darling I’m here, I’m here

sweetheart, hold on to me

help keep the ground near my feet

I’m crazy, way out of my mind

till i can come home to you

have you seen a shooting star

me neither but I’d wished for you

I’d hope to god for it to come true

i kept praying, please, please, please

then came a library day

dressed in black and white
hiding in a very shy smile

you looked right at me and all i know is

i just want to see you a little longer

it takes a lot, i know

for someone who can't love to love

it takes even more, i'm sure

for someone to love someone who can't be loved

well baby, I’m in deep love with you

and baby, I know you are too

This is Happening

She called me to tell me she was watching TV. She said something about the show she was watching. That she liked it. I asked her, "So?"

She repeated what she said.

I repeated what I said.

She told me her phone was charging. I said okay. I said okay again. She said goodbye. I stayed silent. She hung up.

I texted her afterwards.

明明你也很爱我 没理由爱不到结果 只要你敢不懦弱 凭什么我们要错过
我已经把整首歌听烂了
我爱你
但我不知道你还要不要
我的爱
对不起

She replied almost 50 minutes later.

杉杉来了 这个戏很好看哈哈 > <

I texted.

你逃不了现实
刘漪
别逃了

I wait for her reply.

I still don't know what I'm doing.

14 January 2016

A month today. Valentine's Day.
A month today. A planned surprise.
A month today. Smiles.
A month today. Love.

Today. Anger.
Today. Sadness.
Today. Numbness.
Today. Depression.

I've been listening to the same song for over four hours. I can go on. I will go on. There's nothing to do. Although I want to do something, write something, draw something, sing something, I'm empty. There is nothing to do, nothing to write, nothing to draw, nothing to sing.

I turned my laptop on and clicked "play". I went to open up Google. I stared at the search bar. I heard the same damn song play over my headphones. I stared at the search bar even more. I listened even harder to the same damn song play over my headphones. I spent 40 minutes staring at the Google page with nothing on my mind. My hands do not know what to do because my brain isn't giving out any instructions. My brain isn't giving out any instructions because my brain isn't working. My brain isn't working because it doesn't want to.

It can't.

Everything feels surreal. Such a blur. My nightmares are clearer than this. My nightmares are clearer than the present I am forced to call reality. I hear the song. I see the words I type. I don't know what I am doing. I just.

I don't know where I go from here.

I replay the song.

There is nowhere I want to go from here.

I listen to the song.

I live in it now, the song. I relate to the lyrics and to the melody. I want them to relate to her too.

She's probably still watching TV. Either she doesn't care or she's pretending that it didn't happen. I don't know which hurts more. Actually, they both hurt equally because not caring means I don't matter and pretending that it didn't happen means she no longer wants me to matter.

I don't know if avoiding the issue helps. I've never avoided anything. I've never been avoided either. Until today. Until now.