Casual Apologies

You know, it really fucking hurts when the someone you wrote a song for doesn't seem very fazed with the fact that there is a song not only dedicated to them, but a song written in their name, written solely for them. I guess i wish my efforts were shown more appreciation than given. God, i feel and probably sound like a five year old trying to get mommy's acknowledgement and cherry compliments. Anyway, i wrote this song in like, a night but it didn't come out that bad so i'm glad. Maybe because i was really motivated by my apologetic nature concerning the people i love and wanted to redeem myself but i doubt that this piece i wrote played a hand in any process of redemption. Oh, bloody daggers in my heart.  I was really sorry when i wrote this. Very sorry, very afraid and so very in love.

My pulse is racing at a foreign speed
As you link your arm with mine
The way your lips press against my cheeks
I'm hoping my heart will survive the night

When tomorrow comes, I'll make a new wish
It won't be music CDs this time 
Cause now I know that I am certain
You are all I'll ever need in life 

But let me first apologize in advance
For the things I might do
And for the things I have done

I'm sorry for the words I speak
I know they always hurt
I can't ever take back the silly things
But you can take all of me
You can take everything

My eyes are open but I only see darkness
Will you come and save me, my dear?
Bring along a shotgun and an army of candles
Your love will shatter my darkest fears

But the one thing that has scared me the most
Is the thought of an open door
And I ask you sweetheart, will you please come back
But your head is shaking, your eyes on the floor

So let me first apologize in advance
For the things I might do
And for the things I have done
Cause I'll never live through a day without you here

I'm sorry for the words I speak
I know they always hurt
I can't ever take back the silly things
But you can take all of me
You can take everything

And you do, you have everything
That I could give
That I could be
I hope there's a pretty little smile
On that very pretty face tonight
I still I gotta say 

I'm sorry for the words I speak
I know they always hurt
I can't ever take back the silly things
Well, you've taken all of me
You've taken everything
You're in my every heartbeat
You're in my every daydream

Hold

i feel in my bones

the fear of losing you and losing touch

with everything i know

with everything i love

is there a point if i'm without my heart?

ghost of memories

that have not happened and would not happen

haunt me like i deserved it

hunt me like a prey on the run

is this me after making a wrong turn?

has it been a waste of time

pouring my soul out to where i thought it belonged

has it been a waste of breath

every moment spent inches away from you

well i can't stop now, i can't stop now

you're all i want, but i just can't

i can't get a hold, can't get a hold on me

fire can't kill me

but the vacancy in this place will

i try to picture it all

i try to cover my fall

is there a point if i won't get up again?

i say hey sweetheart

it's been fifty hours since we're apart

i know this isn't the longest

i know this isn't the same

is this me after losing my heart?

has it been a waste of time

pouring my soul out to where i thought it belonged

has it been a waste of breath

every moment spent inches away from you

well i can't stop now, i can't stop now

you're all i want, but i just can't

i can't get a hold, can't get a hold on me

has it been a waste of time

pouring my soul out to where i thought it belonged

has it been a waste of breath

every moment spent inches away from you

well i can't stop now, i can't stop now

you're all i want, but i just can't

i can't get a hold, can't get a hold on you

Green Tea Aunt

don't want to write you lullabies

i want to be there when you close your eyes

watch the waves pull you back

and drown the sorrows from your mind

i want to feel your steady breaths

slowly sinking into my skin

got you so close that i feel it all

with this, who needs a tomorrow?

my backseat's full of all my troubles

yet you, still make me think

if i could someday make it through

this endless unlit tunnel

call me a fool for believing in

this song i swear we've been singing

to keep track of the note we're on

till this is gone

I Demand for a Full Version

    I realized i have left my blog untouched for far too long and it isn't because updating has never crossed my mind, because it has, i just don't know what to say anymore. Words have escaped my mind and i know that by writing, not only would i be reminded of my incapability to have a stronger grip on my language, but my talent to be untalented would come crashing down my walls too. Like right now, i don't even know what i'm trying to write or say here. All my words are jumbled up even though my thoughts know exactly where they want to go, i think i may have lost a part of me again. The part of me which allowed me to express myself, the part of me that made the bad part of me less bad, but it's gone now. And in its place, lies this new key piece of my life, a part i never actually saw coming, not so soon at least. I hate to think that it's because of this new addition that i've lost my method of output because i used to remember how much better i would feel after a blog update, after i pour my heart out into words that made everything make more sense, how much i loved writing. How much i loved expressing myself. But whenever i come on, all i get instead of peace and serenity, is frustration. I'm deeply frustrated because i can't seem to find the right words to use, can't seem to remember if this sentence structure is correct, can't seem to piece my thoughts and ideas into words of coherence and nothing frustrates me more than this. I live to express myself and now, this happens. Joy to the world. I may have gotten my life back on track, but in return, i've lost something that i've used as a coping mechanism, as a life-saver. Why does opportunity cost have to exist? Haven't i sacrificed, given in enough already?

    Anyway, i'm just going to fill you in real quick with my life update because i think you deserve it, old blog. Life update so far:

1) My grades are alright.

2) The good student in me has returned.

3) My academic life is stable.

4) I don't hate my life as much anymore.

5) I don't wanna die as much anymore.

6) I'm happy most of the time.

7) I have a girlfriend.

8) 7 is the reason 4-6 exist.

9) 7 is kind of the reason why i want to continue existing.

10) I'm in love with my girlfriend.

    I want to tell you so much about this girl, this amazing, amazing girl but i don't think now's the right time, given my lack of access to the full version of my brain/the vocab side of my brain. Unfortunately, what i've got in my hands right now is the lame, pathetic trial version. I NEED MY ENGLISH VOCAB BACK!! So i can tell the world how this one person changed me. How this one person changed my life. So i can attempt to explain my feelings towards this beautiful creature and what she means to me. But here's a song i wrote about her back when i had more access to the sensitive, poetic and depth-y side of me. I really miss that side of me.