Hopelessly Hoping

  So, I've definitely been feeling better, at least for the past few days of the week. I'm glad that i got past the guilty-and-ashamed phase, but i'm also hoping that i don't fall back and become the same person that i was a month ago. That was a mistake, i am a mistake. Anyways, today's post is about something my friend had casually brought up a few weeks ago at school. I only thought about it now because, well, because a lot of things were going on in my life and yeah, basically, i was really in no place to be thinking of anything else other than how messed-up my life has become. So, my friend, she asked me this simple question while we were in Chem class at the school lab. "Val, is 'hopeless' your favorite word?"

  If not mistaken, i was reading a book at that time, so i was caught off guard by her question. I paused, not knowing how to answer her, so i decided to counter-attack her question with one of my own in the end. I asked why, of course, because it really seemed to be the most random question she could ever ask me. That's when she pointed out the fact that my screen name on Twitter is "hopelessly hoping", also, my username is "valizzhopeless". Last but not least, this is kind of like the funny part, i don't know, it managed to humor me lots, so yeah um, at the time she asked the question, i mentioned that i was reading a book, yes? Well, that book is called "Losing Hope" which is the second book in the "Hopeless" series. Not amusing? Okay, fine, yeah maybe it's just amusing to me, but seriously though, my username, the book and my constant need to scribble the word on my wrist and forearm, of course i had to be totally oblivious to my absolute fondness towards the word "hopeless".

  Honestly, i really did not notice it. I know i've always been quite the observant eye, but this has managed to slip right past me. I think i've thought about it once or twice, but it never really occurred to me that i had a favorite word and that it would be "hopeless". So, after concluding in my head that the word was indeed of significance to me, i answered my friend's question. Of course, she wondered and asked me why i had settle on such a negative, pessimistic word, but truthfully speaking, there was no better word to describe my entire being than "hopeless" or "hopelessly hoping".

  The phrase "hopelessly hoping" was actually derived from the lyrics of  a song called 'Still Breathing' by my favorite band, Mayday Parade. The original lyrics are, "I'm hopeless, but hoping." I favored that phrase so much that when i was in need of a new screen name on Twitter, i just decided to use it. I have no regrets whatsoever on that decision because it just, well, it just describes me so well. If we could put our faith into a single word, mine would be "hopelessly hoping" because i truly believed in every single letter of the word. I don't know what's up with me obsessing and making such a big deal out of the word but i just want to express my, um, my love(????) towards the word.

  I don't think i need to explain any further on why i like the word because hey, you've already got the obvious answer. If one day i happen to forget about my fondness towards the word, i'll just reread my blog posts and get reminded why. Easy stuff. I actually have the word "hopeless" written with a black Sharpie on my left forearm right now. I'm proud of it and wish it could stay there, on my arm permanently, like a tattoo, but it's not because i'm out to show off that HEY LOOK AT ME I'M SO COOL CAUSE I'VE GOT A TATT SWAG SWAG SWAG, yeah definitely not because i want other people to look at it, but because i want to look at it. I want to look at what my heart and mind are trying so desperately hard to express everyday. It's kind of like those extremely vain people who always have to have a mirror with them all day long so they can check themselves out every now and then, like every 75 seconds. I want the word to be there so i can see myself like how i see my reflection in the mirror, because the word reflects me better than any mirror has ever had. Peace.

The Greatest Disappointment

  I've done it this time. I've really done it this time. You know when you're banned from using computer at home and one day while you thought nobody was at home and used it but then your mother popped up out of nowhere and sees you using it? Yeah I'm in that kind of situation, but it's something a lot heavier than just using a computer. I don't wanna go into details because it's too much for me to reminisce about it, but all I've been doing for the past week was think about it. Even if i somehow managed to get it out of my system, it was just temporary.

  It was everywhere. I get into the car, I think about it. I turn on the shower, the images flash through my mind. I lie on my bed, all I could feel was how I felt the moment when everything went wrong. And now, it's worse, because I need to tell her what I've done. I need to tell my grandma. This will be literally, the hardest thing I'll have to do in life. It's not easy because I know the news is going to break her. It's going to break me. She loves me so much and had invested so much time, energy and hopes in me. She wanted me to be the best of what I can be, but I've failed her. I not only failed her, I failed myself. I flunked out on life.

  And that would be the biggest stab to the heart to my grandma. I can't believe how I let my stupidity get the better of me, but it did. I allowed it to and now I'm here suffering the consequences. It would be the understatement of the year to say that I've regretted. I'm sorry I did what I did, but I'm not that sorry I got caught because it was a wakeup call. It was a wakeup call that I needed because without it, I would've sunk deeper and deeper into the hole I've dug for myself. I just wished I didn't have to drag my grandma, or anyone else into my mistake. My failure. I deserved it, but they didn't.

  I haven't broken the news to her yet, and I'm dreading every single moment, thinking about it. I cry almost every time I'm alone because I really don't know how I should be handling this situation. I've lost my way once, I feel like I'm losing it again right now. I try to think about the best possible way that I could tell her, but there is none. Either way, her heart will shatter, her mind will be clouded with sadness and disappointment. And I am to blame. So, every time I think about it, I just break down. There is no easy way out of this one, and I've already taken my fair amount of that route. I'm done for. I'm really, extremely, undeniably, done for.

  I see my grandma every day, every hour and my heart just dies little by little. I don't want to be the person who does this to her, I don't want anybody to have to do this to her. And it just, it just kills me to know that I've made myself become that person. I did. I am to blame. I've been faking smiles and conversations for almost two weeks now, it's like I'm there but I'm not. I talk, I laugh at the right moment and everything just seems normal, like I'm fine, like everything's fine, but I know it's far from that. Every time I laugh, I think of what I've done. Every time I open my mouth to speak, I think about how my mouth will move to the words when I tell my grandma about the things that I've down. Every time I breathe, well, I just wish I could not, then again, that would be taking the easy way out, and as much as I want to do that, I can't. I just can't do it anymore.

  I'm such a disappointment. I've always been a disappointment. I dont know how to not be a disappointment. I just hope that my grandma will be understanding and i don't know, maybe not be on hard on me? I know how much this will hurt her, but she has no idea how much it'll kill me for knowing that I'll be hurting her. Knowing that I'll be the greatest ever disappointment in her life. The greatest disappointment, sigh.