Give me any reason to believe
Cause i swear i'm done here
Cause i've seen the bigger picture
And i'm looking for some answers
Tell me that it's worth it
Cause i'm doing all i can to fight it
And i've never been this scared
And my moment's finally here
Time's racing
Please slow down
I' got to find my way out
I'm hopeless
But hoping
My lungs won't fail me now
Cause i'm still breathing
It's hard to be a man
But i'm doing all i can
I'm ready to give this all i have
I'm ready to be amazed
Cause i'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing
Promise me some dignity
If i were to stand and die here
Cause my heart is somewhere else
It's a pain i've never felt
Time's racing
Please slow down
I' got to find my way out
I'm hopeless
But hoping
My lungs won't fail me now
Cause i'm still breathing
It's hard to be a man
But i'm doing all i can
I'm ready to give this i have
I'm ready to be amazed
Cause i'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing
Where do we all find love
Where do we all find love
It's hard to be a man
But i'm doing all i can
I'm ready to give this all i have
I'm ready to be amazed
Cause i'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing
Still Breathing
- Mayday Parade
This song is dedicated to my grandma who lived and is still living life without a day of peace. To her, every single waking moment is a struggle. Even though she pulled through it in her younger days, it kills me to say that she's no longer the former headstrong 25 year old that she was and now everything is just so much harder because she's older, weaker and she's getting tired. I hope that the lyrics to this song will find its way to her and help her in ways that we can't. Stay strong, po.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Songs of Scenarios (grandma's younger days)
I can't believe that so much time was spent on my own
Just trying to figure it out all alone
Don't show emotion
Let this go
I can't pretend that everything is still okay
Until you rightfully say what you say
But now you left me here for dead
For dead
Why do you cry when you're falling asleep and
Girl, how can you love without ever losing it all
Don't put your faith in this when you won't believe it
Where did you go
How will you find yourself
When your hands to hold is letting go
Where did you go
How will you tell yourself you're losing hope
Losing hope
Is it just me or has the time we spent come undone
I know forever is not what you want
I'll pack my bags and brush it off
Brush it off
Why do you cry when you're falling asleep and
Girl, how can you love without ever losing it all
Don't put your faith in this when you won't believe it
Where did you go
How will you find yourself
When your hands to hold is letting go
Where did you go
How will you tell yourself you're losing hope
Tell me that you're alright
Why do we fight sometimes
Just try and make up your mind
Try and make up your mind
Call Me Hopeless, But Not Romantic
- Mayday Parade
How my grandmother did it and make it out alive, i'll never know.
Life At Its Finest, I'm Sure
You know why people say “Life’s a bitch”? Well because it
really is. No matter how much you try, how much you give, how much you’ve sacrificed,
life will always find a way to come back and stab you in the back. Maybe this
isn’t God’s plan of life or whatever, but it sure is happening. Lately, i've been stressed out but not pressured about things happening within the family tree. Something is happening, something has happened, something sad, twisted and horrible. This something, i'm saddened to say, has befallen on the tired shoulders of my grandma, the one i hold dearest to my heart though it does take some reminding at times because God knows how much of a bitch i am. As if life hasn't been the kindest to her, now even at the age where paradise and all-things-good should be promised to one, she still has to go through all these, shit. I won't go into details because we shouldn't wash our dirty linen in public or something like that, especially when you're of the Chinese bloodline where pride, honor and face is our whole world, but to those who are reading this(no one) and understand what's actually going on at home, i'd just like to say, it's nobody's fault.
I honestly think no one should be blamed here, though i still have an undeniable urge to march down my uncle's house in California, drag his mental wife out into the woods, bash her head with all the rage and hate within my being, sprinkle her with leaves of Poison Ivy and then leave her to fend for her wounds there. So as i was saying before i was rudely cut off by the darker part of my mind, i honestly think no one should be blamed here, no one but life and fate. Why? It's because this thing that's happening, it wasn't supposed to be like this. This shouldn't be happening. If my aunt weren't crazed, yeah she's probably mentally ill right now, all this would have ceased to happen. My grandma would've been enjoying her time in Cali with her son, daughter-in-law and of course, the latest grandchild of the family, my youngest cousin to date. She wouldn't need to deal with this torture, this sadness, this guilt because the last person on earth to deserve treatment of this sort is my grandma. She hadn't done anything but great things in life. As a young woman, she was abandoned by her asshole husband who shall not be named, and had to lock away all her misery, all the ugly feelings that she was accustomed to feel in situations like these to bring up her three precious children single-handedly, my mom, my first uncle and my second uncle.
Though she had every right to pull the alcoholic, neglectful mother who was ditched by her husband for some 20 year-old child, she hung on to the thin thread that was holding her to her kids. She raised them like any good mother would, hell, she probably did a better job than most. She had put her kids first before her own life, because to her, her three kids were her life, they were all that she had left and she had a responsible to bring them up because she is their mother. So, my grandma, a single mother from an era where divorcees and homosexuals are shunned even more than now, manned-up and took care of her children who are all nothing less than successful now. My mom and her brothers are living life in luxury now because their mother had raised them up well.
Do you think raising three kids with your own two hands is easy when you're a jobless woman who have no connections with the outside world until the man you loved and thought had loved you back drove out of the front porch and into the arms of some UGH. My grandmother is a hero. She didn't need to die in battlefield or discover gravity from a fallen apple to receive a medal for bravery and award for whatever, i don't know. No, because she deserved much, much more than that. And then now, with this shit happening, oh god, i can't go on. I just hope things would be okay again for my grandma, she really doesn't need this right now or ever.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
John Green
Yeah i admire his work so much i'm actually dedicating this update to him. So far, i've only read two book of his, 'The Fault In Our Stars' and 'Looking For Alaska' which were both equally great in story-line, character development and writing. I adore his simple, yet so very deep way with words. I remember the first time i saw the book, my friend had brought it with her to school and i was immediately captivated by the cover of the book, 'Looking For Alaska". It was black, with the pattern of what seemed to be like white smoke, which made more sense after reading the book as it actually bares a connection to the book itself, mainly the female lead of the book, Alaska Young. My first book from John Green though, was 'The Fault In Our Stars'. Reading it, i've never felt such amazement, such wonder obtained from a novel in my sixteen short years of life. It took me on a ride to the stars, making everything seemed so unreal, yet so right. I honestly don't know what i'm trying to describe here, obviously i give the shittiest book reviews ever but what i think i'm trying to say is that, John Green has changed my insight, the way i look at things and the way my head interprets them. It's not all about just touching the surface of things no more, now i know that instead of using phrases like "i'm so angry i can kill a cat" or "i'm so sad it's beyond words", i could make a better replacement out of them from phrases such as "this rage has blinded me to do things, horrible, terrible things" or "if the sky had a darkest shade of grey, it'd be today". It's not exactly simple as what comes after the letter B, but it's understandable. The words are simple, nothing fabulous or exquisite and very much easier to understand but are still fully capable of bearing that minor twist used by poets or literature icons in their work.
I've always been told that i'm a 'touch-and-go' person. Before this, i had a million questions about it, about what is touch-and-go and why am i a person who bares such qualities. Then, i picked up a wonderful novel dressed in a shade of blue that was so radiant, i'd never thought that while it was possibly the most amazing thing that i had held in my hands, it was also the most saddening, heart-breaking thing i've ever had the chance to come across. It taught me how to look deep between the simple words left behind by the dried ink of printing machines that were responsible for the millions of copies of the book. It taught me what inspiration was really like and how we don't need big, fancy words or an epic plot to touch people's hearts. My opinions have it that the two book i've had the pleasure to read from J.G were no doubt the most mellow thing i've ever laid my eyes upon. He doesn't have a story about the tragic lives lost at sea when a big ship rammed into an ice-berg, nor did he write about the great, forbidden love shared between two people that drove them towards the path of suicide. All he had to tell, was the not-so-typical but rather average and highly possible lives of people, mainly teenagers and what ordeal they had to face. What's so great about his books are that they mean something, but at the same time, drama was the last thing that shot across his mind while plotting out the stories. He didn't have to have the most epic climax or the most dramatic ending, all he wanted and aimed for was the thing closest to reality.
People usually remember movies or books for their dramatic or epic content, like i've already mentioned before, but what if, someone came up with a story about the life of an average teenager moving to an average boarding school and then meeting an average someone whom he thinks he likes. Does that sound exciting, thrilling to you? Does it make you wonder about what boring shit they've got inside the book? Because let me tell you something, sometimes it takes more than perfectly plotted lines you see in movies to make something memorable. Sometimes, the most average, most normal things will catch you off guard and make you realize that you will never ever forget about it. I'm not saying J.H's books are not dramatic at all, well in truth there are some dramatic parts added in for the impact and whatnot, but at least he didn't overdo it. He turned drama-ramas into just drama. No bonus drowning in water scene, or parts where the boys tells the girl to never forget him in words and phrases of nothing less than perfection. Do you know why people sometimes are annoyed by these soap operas or dramas they show on tv? Because nobody in real life would ever talk to anybody like that.
Like i said, J.G makes things simple yet deep at the same time.It's drama but not DRAMA. People die in his books in shocking ways but it wasn't because they were busy taking a bullet for their friend or trying to detonate a time-bomb from exploding. No, nothing of the sort. The way he plotted his character's death is just like any other cause of death that happens to everybody. It could be cancer, a robbery, an accident with the land mower. He didn't see the need to create an epic ending so that all of us would remember how he sacrificed his life to save the love of his life or how she gave him up because it was the only way to keep him alive. His books have endings that make people feel like they can actually believe the things that he have put into his books. They don't stray too far away from reality but the impact on the readers is the same, whether somebody died, or everyone lived happy ever after, because there is a sense of truth in his words and in the stories he told the world. He doesn't encourage us to chase after the one great love we're all destined to have or the fountain of youth hidden in some Chinese mountain. He's telling us what we don't realize about life, about the things that might be happening to certain people, but not us, about how we don't have to be waiting for 'The One' so that we can fall head over heels in love. We have to stop looking, dreaming of what might be beyond us because sometimes, it is possible for things to be impossible. We'll just have to live life the way it is and see what's coming for us tomorrow. J.G's way of writing has provided me with inspirations i thought had found in other sources. It taught me endless things but the most important one i got out of his books is that, he had taught me how to live.
Wow. Okay so i got carried away. I'm not rally sure what i've been babbling about for the past hour but i hope it captures the picture of what i'm trying to say. Peace.
I've always been told that i'm a 'touch-and-go' person. Before this, i had a million questions about it, about what is touch-and-go and why am i a person who bares such qualities. Then, i picked up a wonderful novel dressed in a shade of blue that was so radiant, i'd never thought that while it was possibly the most amazing thing that i had held in my hands, it was also the most saddening, heart-breaking thing i've ever had the chance to come across. It taught me how to look deep between the simple words left behind by the dried ink of printing machines that were responsible for the millions of copies of the book. It taught me what inspiration was really like and how we don't need big, fancy words or an epic plot to touch people's hearts. My opinions have it that the two book i've had the pleasure to read from J.G were no doubt the most mellow thing i've ever laid my eyes upon. He doesn't have a story about the tragic lives lost at sea when a big ship rammed into an ice-berg, nor did he write about the great, forbidden love shared between two people that drove them towards the path of suicide. All he had to tell, was the not-so-typical but rather average and highly possible lives of people, mainly teenagers and what ordeal they had to face. What's so great about his books are that they mean something, but at the same time, drama was the last thing that shot across his mind while plotting out the stories. He didn't have to have the most epic climax or the most dramatic ending, all he wanted and aimed for was the thing closest to reality.
People usually remember movies or books for their dramatic or epic content, like i've already mentioned before, but what if, someone came up with a story about the life of an average teenager moving to an average boarding school and then meeting an average someone whom he thinks he likes. Does that sound exciting, thrilling to you? Does it make you wonder about what boring shit they've got inside the book? Because let me tell you something, sometimes it takes more than perfectly plotted lines you see in movies to make something memorable. Sometimes, the most average, most normal things will catch you off guard and make you realize that you will never ever forget about it. I'm not saying J.H's books are not dramatic at all, well in truth there are some dramatic parts added in for the impact and whatnot, but at least he didn't overdo it. He turned drama-ramas into just drama. No bonus drowning in water scene, or parts where the boys tells the girl to never forget him in words and phrases of nothing less than perfection. Do you know why people sometimes are annoyed by these soap operas or dramas they show on tv? Because nobody in real life would ever talk to anybody like that.
Like i said, J.G makes things simple yet deep at the same time.It's drama but not DRAMA. People die in his books in shocking ways but it wasn't because they were busy taking a bullet for their friend or trying to detonate a time-bomb from exploding. No, nothing of the sort. The way he plotted his character's death is just like any other cause of death that happens to everybody. It could be cancer, a robbery, an accident with the land mower. He didn't see the need to create an epic ending so that all of us would remember how he sacrificed his life to save the love of his life or how she gave him up because it was the only way to keep him alive. His books have endings that make people feel like they can actually believe the things that he have put into his books. They don't stray too far away from reality but the impact on the readers is the same, whether somebody died, or everyone lived happy ever after, because there is a sense of truth in his words and in the stories he told the world. He doesn't encourage us to chase after the one great love we're all destined to have or the fountain of youth hidden in some Chinese mountain. He's telling us what we don't realize about life, about the things that might be happening to certain people, but not us, about how we don't have to be waiting for 'The One' so that we can fall head over heels in love. We have to stop looking, dreaming of what might be beyond us because sometimes, it is possible for things to be impossible. We'll just have to live life the way it is and see what's coming for us tomorrow. J.G's way of writing has provided me with inspirations i thought had found in other sources. It taught me endless things but the most important one i got out of his books is that, he had taught me how to live.
Wow. Okay so i got carried away. I'm not rally sure what i've been babbling about for the past hour but i hope it captures the picture of what i'm trying to say. Peace.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Teen-girl Probs
Exam's in two weeks and i'm still here doing whatever a lazy person would do two weeks before their exam. I swear one day my laziness is going to get me killed, i know it. I admit that i don't really try to get over this lazy phase but i googled "study tips for lazy people" like 3 minutes ago and honestly, i don't think it helped much, just the typical logical answers about getting rid of Facebook, don't overstudy, exercise regularly, blablableh. Tell me something i don't know? Maybe i'll give the regular exercise a try, i could use the fat loosing session anyways. I feel like i'll be seeing layers of the most undesired body part in life very soon if i keep having these in-between-meals-meals. Oh god, i'm one unhealthy kid. Yes, getting fat is counted as one of my teen-girl problems that i have gotta come to terms with sooner or later, but i'm not THAT self-conscious about my weight, if i were would i still be digesting all these potato chips and carton of corn flavored ice-cream? I think not, but yeah needa start getting sweaty soon if i don't intend to transform myself into an Asian blob. Just the mere thought of it disgusts me. Bleh.
Alright, so what other teenage issues are annoying me right now? Oh yes, issues with the friends. I would be a liar if i said that my friends and i are a great friends, because i really don't think so. It's not them though, this one i'm perfectly aware of it being the way it is because of me. In shorter words, i am a shit friend. And this is bad, no, this is really bad because like my mom, i don't have a big circle of comrades, nope i have one small troupe of friends who would gladly hold my food for me while i tie my shoe, but not as willing to take a bullet for me. Who would anyways for such an evil bitch. I'm pretty sure even my family, who are biologically programmed to love me, will have a hard time choosing between me and 500 dollars. No seriously, i'm that individual whom people would get rid of as soon as the situation allowed it. Yes, i'm so bad that i'm not even worth 5000 dollars to my family, let alone the people i call my friends. Lately when i say things like "i don't know, i just don't really like him/her", my friends would be like "who do you like val huh who. tell me one person that you actually like" making it nothing less than obvious about the fact that i have issues with everyone. I won't deny the truth about me being a judgmental, hypocritical bitch, but aca-excuse me, i don't see you being all Mother Theresa either. I make mistakes about judging people, but did you really have to throw it at my face. That just really ticks me off. And you see why i'm such a shitty friend? Even when i'm trying to prove to people that i've been doing all the bad things in the friendship between me and my fellow friends, i somehow find my self-centered way to ranting about myself and the things they do that pisses me off like i'm trying to make them sound horrible even as i'm attempting to tell the world of Blogger that it's my fault, i did this. It's a disease, i tell you. This pathetic way of me dealing with things, especially extremely important and fragile things like friendships and relationships. I'm a horrible person. Well, fuck.
If there's a way to go around this, i would. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why i have to be so..bitchy. God, what the hell is wrong with me. I have friends, i care about them, i don't know if they care about me, but why do i have to be this annoying, bitchy, selfish, self-centered, pathetic piece of damaged shit. You know what i'd like to do? I'd very much like to torch myself alive for being such a crappy excuse for a friend, or a human being. I know people don't like me very much, heck, who am i kidding, they probably hate me to the very core that they wish they could put scorpions in my bed, yeah well i hate myself too. This isn't me asking for sympathy or attention or anything at all, i just wanted to be free of this bad-friend-curse. My friends deserve a better friend, the world deserves a better person, my family deserves someone better, someone more worthy of the life that i have before me, someone who isn't me. Oh god, i hope nobody ever reads this. Perks of being an unpopular bitch, people could care less about you. I see it now, how unwanted i am in this world. It's true and i know it. And all because of this horrible being that i've become today. How did i get here. How do i go back.
Alright, so what other teenage issues are annoying me right now? Oh yes, issues with the friends. I would be a liar if i said that my friends and i are a great friends, because i really don't think so. It's not them though, this one i'm perfectly aware of it being the way it is because of me. In shorter words, i am a shit friend. And this is bad, no, this is really bad because like my mom, i don't have a big circle of comrades, nope i have one small troupe of friends who would gladly hold my food for me while i tie my shoe, but not as willing to take a bullet for me. Who would anyways for such an evil bitch. I'm pretty sure even my family, who are biologically programmed to love me, will have a hard time choosing between me and 500 dollars. No seriously, i'm that individual whom people would get rid of as soon as the situation allowed it. Yes, i'm so bad that i'm not even worth 5000 dollars to my family, let alone the people i call my friends. Lately when i say things like "i don't know, i just don't really like him/her", my friends would be like "who do you like val huh who. tell me one person that you actually like" making it nothing less than obvious about the fact that i have issues with everyone. I won't deny the truth about me being a judgmental, hypocritical bitch, but aca-excuse me, i don't see you being all Mother Theresa either. I make mistakes about judging people, but did you really have to throw it at my face. That just really ticks me off. And you see why i'm such a shitty friend? Even when i'm trying to prove to people that i've been doing all the bad things in the friendship between me and my fellow friends, i somehow find my self-centered way to ranting about myself and the things they do that pisses me off like i'm trying to make them sound horrible even as i'm attempting to tell the world of Blogger that it's my fault, i did this. It's a disease, i tell you. This pathetic way of me dealing with things, especially extremely important and fragile things like friendships and relationships. I'm a horrible person. Well, fuck.
If there's a way to go around this, i would. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why i have to be so..bitchy. God, what the hell is wrong with me. I have friends, i care about them, i don't know if they care about me, but why do i have to be this annoying, bitchy, selfish, self-centered, pathetic piece of damaged shit. You know what i'd like to do? I'd very much like to torch myself alive for being such a crappy excuse for a friend, or a human being. I know people don't like me very much, heck, who am i kidding, they probably hate me to the very core that they wish they could put scorpions in my bed, yeah well i hate myself too. This isn't me asking for sympathy or attention or anything at all, i just wanted to be free of this bad-friend-curse. My friends deserve a better friend, the world deserves a better person, my family deserves someone better, someone more worthy of the life that i have before me, someone who isn't me. Oh god, i hope nobody ever reads this. Perks of being an unpopular bitch, people could care less about you. I see it now, how unwanted i am in this world. It's true and i know it. And all because of this horrible being that i've become today. How did i get here. How do i go back.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Oh it's the 5th of August
Yeah so why should this date be of any significance to anyone but me? Well, i don't think it should be because firstly, some people really could care less about their birthdays and if you're one of those friends who are like "O M G IT'S LIKE YOUR BIRTHDAY I'M GOING TO GET YOU ALL THE THINGS YOU WANT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU" but when you actually do get it for your birthday friends and their reaction happens to be a single-syllable word "cool" or a simple monotonous "thanks i like it", don't say i didn't warn ya.
And secondly, you could be the one having your birthday but sadly, no one actually put in an effort to mark it down on their calender or maybe even get you some lame birthday card just to put a smile on your already-sad-disappointed face and you're just all alone at home or in your bedroom flopped down on the bed, staring at the white ceiling caving over you while depression and a whole load of disappointment mount over you, suffocating you till you tell yourself how much you regret being brought to this world. Yeah so basically what i'm saying is that birthdays are a risky thing to handle, be it the birthday boy or the friend/family of the birthday boy cause there will always be two possibilities.
One, you disappoint.
Two, you get disappointed.
So the question is, am i the one who disappoint or am i the one who is disappointed today? Honestly, i cannot say because this will be a breach to my life-to-diary-not-online-journal-policy, so you sense my hesitation, BUT i will say that today will definitely go down the records as the "top 5 worst birthdays i could remember for the last 16 years of my life", not because i didn't get what i wanted (i kind of always get what i want but oh god i sound like a mega B for just saying this but it's funny so), or that everyone forgot that it was the day i came to exist, no, non of that B.S. It was more of a it's-my-birthday-i-should-be-super-duper-happy-crazy-but-i'm-not-i'm-just-super-depressed-and-emo-today kind of thing y'know. Didn't quite ask for this,but we don't control what we feel, or do we? This is exactly why i think i suffer from some sort of undiagnosed psychological disorder. I kind of just feel it sometimes. I don't know if this is me being overly-sensitive or paranoid about myself, but i've always thought that there was something inside me that isn't exactly known to the world yet. And man, do i wish that i was talking about some superhuman abilities like those from Heroes or X-Men. Or i could be over-thinking, which is something i totally rock at.
Well just, happy birthday to me.
Love,
Me.
And secondly, you could be the one having your birthday but sadly, no one actually put in an effort to mark it down on their calender or maybe even get you some lame birthday card just to put a smile on your already-sad-disappointed face and you're just all alone at home or in your bedroom flopped down on the bed, staring at the white ceiling caving over you while depression and a whole load of disappointment mount over you, suffocating you till you tell yourself how much you regret being brought to this world. Yeah so basically what i'm saying is that birthdays are a risky thing to handle, be it the birthday boy or the friend/family of the birthday boy cause there will always be two possibilities.
One, you disappoint.
Two, you get disappointed.
So the question is, am i the one who disappoint or am i the one who is disappointed today? Honestly, i cannot say because this will be a breach to my life-to-diary-not-online-journal-policy, so you sense my hesitation, BUT i will say that today will definitely go down the records as the "top 5 worst birthdays i could remember for the last 16 years of my life", not because i didn't get what i wanted (i kind of always get what i want but oh god i sound like a mega B for just saying this but it's funny so), or that everyone forgot that it was the day i came to exist, no, non of that B.S. It was more of a it's-my-birthday-i-should-be-super-duper-happy-crazy-but-i'm-not-i'm-just-super-depressed-and-emo-today kind of thing y'know. Didn't quite ask for this,but we don't control what we feel, or do we? This is exactly why i think i suffer from some sort of undiagnosed psychological disorder. I kind of just feel it sometimes. I don't know if this is me being overly-sensitive or paranoid about myself, but i've always thought that there was something inside me that isn't exactly known to the world yet. And man, do i wish that i was talking about some superhuman abilities like those from Heroes or X-Men. Or i could be over-thinking, which is something i totally rock at.
Well just, happy birthday to me.
Love,
Me.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Drama-rama
Ugh this entire month has been a torture. My family and their drama have been eating me alive. You'd think as adults, they'd have the sense to not drag teenagers with unstable emotions due to what hormonal change into whatever shit they got themselves into. I mean yeah it's not wrong to tell family about your problems, but oh my god it's not like my eardrums are made of steel. They just keep going on and on and on and on about their problems and then they're crying and cursing. I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. Hello mom hello grandma, i'm a sixteen year old with problems too. I'm not exactly the free-est person in school i've got things to plan, shit to get done, and there you are, barging into my room which is the only place i can get peace and quiet and most importantly, my space, crying to me about how their lives suck right now. Well tell you what, LIFE IS SUCKY SO TAKE YOUR HEART2HEART SESSION SOMEWHERE ELSE. I'm not being mean or anything but i'm under a lot of pressure and stress (this is the part where you might scoff at but i'm serious) so when someone's about to crack up, you don't just throw all your complaints and gossips at them. We need space. I NEED MY SPACE and i need a drama-proof life. This entire month felt like one of those hokkien dramas that my aunt watches from morning till god knows when. I don't freaking need this. Do i ever complain to my mom or my grandma or to anyone else about my life, about the shit i'm in? NO I DO NOT. Maybe to my friends at times because somehow i can never shut up when i'm around them but NOT TO MY FAMILY BECAUSE I KNOW THEY HAVE THEIR OWN SHIT TO DEAL WITH SO I DON'T BURDEN THEM FURTHER WITH MINE, but do they have the consideration oF leaving me out of this web of drama? NO THEY FREAKING DON'T.
And that's not just it, my grandma, she needs to get that no one, not even the hardworking of the hardworking students study every freaking day. I never study and you expect me to suddenly study during every waking moment of mine? WHO STUDIES ON A SATURDAY AND SUNDAY NIGHT. WHO STUDIES THE AFTERNOON AFTER THEIR EXAM FINISHED WHO THE HELL DOES THAT. Example, last friday when my first term exam finished. I asked my grandma if i could hang with my friends at the local mall the day after and she said "why do you always wanna go out and have fun. Can't you just stay home and study like other people. What's wrong with you. You do know it's your future right? So can you grow up and do what's good for you?" And i replied "But my exam just finished today" Grandma said "So does that give you a reason to not study this afternoon?" OMG SERIOUSLY WHAT THE ACTUAL FUQ. I JUST FINISHED MY WEEK LONG EXAM AND YOU WON'T EVEN LET ME ENJOY ONE FREAKING AFTERNOON. AND IT'S NOT LIKE I GO OUT EVERY OTHER WEEKEND LIKE EVERYONE ELSE NO INSTEAD I STAY HOME BECAUSE MY FAMILY WON'T LET ME GO ANYWHERE ELSE OTHER THAN TO THE TUITION CENTER OR TO SCHOOL. AND WHEN MY FRIENDS ACTUALLY ASKED ME TO HANG OUT YOU TELL ME I GO OUT TOO MUCH THAT I DON'T STAY HOME ENOUGH THAT I ALWAYS WANNA HAVE FUN. WELL PEOPLE IF YOU HAD TAKEN OR LET ME OUT OF THE HOUSE MORE OFTEN THAN A COUPLE OF TIMES IN A MONTH MAYBE YOU WON'T BE HAVING THIS PROBLEM. Pssh i go out too much I'M SORRY YOUR FREAKING STATEMENT IS INVALID PLEASE TRY AGAIN. I'm just so pissed whenever i think of this. If this is not pressure than i don't know what is. Every time my grandma sees me around the house watching tv or reading my storybooks, she'll be all up in my ass saying "why aren't you studying and just wasting your time doing nothing. go study. it's for your own good" All she ever says to me nowadays is STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY.
And then there's another matter of my grandma being an utter douche-snozzle. You're my grandma, you wanna tell me the truth sure, but will you please let it go through the filter in your head first please? You don't just call your grandchildren ugly or fat or disappointing or i-don't-care-about-you-anymore-i-just-wanna-leave-and-see-what-you're-gonna-do-without-me. And the most hated line of all 'i could be anywhere i want to be but instead i chose to stay here because of you and your brother. if you guys are thankful and show appreciation to my help then it's fine, but to be treated like i'm so much less that your grandmother, i really don't see the point of me staying, sometimes i just wish i could leave and see what happens to you". I lost track of how many times she's used that shit of a line on me. I get it, i get it, you're oh so noble by choosing to stay with us instead of doing blableh. But ugh, don't they realize that we hurt too? Their words, even though sometimes they don't mean it, but it doesn't stop them from cutting right through our hearts. They just practically say what they wanna say, don't give shit about how we feel and be all like you fuqing deserve it. People wonder why are there so many messed-up teenagers in this world who's suicidal and have problems, well it's about time they realize that adults are to blame. If they weren't so simple minded, inconsiderate and selfish, we as teenagers wouldn't be going through as much shit as we do.
Don't love each other? Don't get married. Don't wanna get involved with each others' shit? Leave and never turn back. Don't cause pain to other people, especially kids because they DO NOT DESERVE THIS. What they deserve is a happy, innocent childhood filled with heart-warming memories. I just ugh, adults suck. Big time.
And that's not just it, my grandma, she needs to get that no one, not even the hardworking of the hardworking students study every freaking day. I never study and you expect me to suddenly study during every waking moment of mine? WHO STUDIES ON A SATURDAY AND SUNDAY NIGHT. WHO STUDIES THE AFTERNOON AFTER THEIR EXAM FINISHED WHO THE HELL DOES THAT. Example, last friday when my first term exam finished. I asked my grandma if i could hang with my friends at the local mall the day after and she said "why do you always wanna go out and have fun. Can't you just stay home and study like other people. What's wrong with you. You do know it's your future right? So can you grow up and do what's good for you?" And i replied "But my exam just finished today" Grandma said "So does that give you a reason to not study this afternoon?" OMG SERIOUSLY WHAT THE ACTUAL FUQ. I JUST FINISHED MY WEEK LONG EXAM AND YOU WON'T EVEN LET ME ENJOY ONE FREAKING AFTERNOON. AND IT'S NOT LIKE I GO OUT EVERY OTHER WEEKEND LIKE EVERYONE ELSE NO INSTEAD I STAY HOME BECAUSE MY FAMILY WON'T LET ME GO ANYWHERE ELSE OTHER THAN TO THE TUITION CENTER OR TO SCHOOL. AND WHEN MY FRIENDS ACTUALLY ASKED ME TO HANG OUT YOU TELL ME I GO OUT TOO MUCH THAT I DON'T STAY HOME ENOUGH THAT I ALWAYS WANNA HAVE FUN. WELL PEOPLE IF YOU HAD TAKEN OR LET ME OUT OF THE HOUSE MORE OFTEN THAN A COUPLE OF TIMES IN A MONTH MAYBE YOU WON'T BE HAVING THIS PROBLEM. Pssh i go out too much I'M SORRY YOUR FREAKING STATEMENT IS INVALID PLEASE TRY AGAIN. I'm just so pissed whenever i think of this. If this is not pressure than i don't know what is. Every time my grandma sees me around the house watching tv or reading my storybooks, she'll be all up in my ass saying "why aren't you studying and just wasting your time doing nothing. go study. it's for your own good" All she ever says to me nowadays is STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY.
And then there's another matter of my grandma being an utter douche-snozzle. You're my grandma, you wanna tell me the truth sure, but will you please let it go through the filter in your head first please? You don't just call your grandchildren ugly or fat or disappointing or i-don't-care-about-you-anymore-i-just-wanna-leave-and-see-what-you're-gonna-do-without-me. And the most hated line of all 'i could be anywhere i want to be but instead i chose to stay here because of you and your brother. if you guys are thankful and show appreciation to my help then it's fine, but to be treated like i'm so much less that your grandmother, i really don't see the point of me staying, sometimes i just wish i could leave and see what happens to you". I lost track of how many times she's used that shit of a line on me. I get it, i get it, you're oh so noble by choosing to stay with us instead of doing blableh. But ugh, don't they realize that we hurt too? Their words, even though sometimes they don't mean it, but it doesn't stop them from cutting right through our hearts. They just practically say what they wanna say, don't give shit about how we feel and be all like you fuqing deserve it. People wonder why are there so many messed-up teenagers in this world who's suicidal and have problems, well it's about time they realize that adults are to blame. If they weren't so simple minded, inconsiderate and selfish, we as teenagers wouldn't be going through as much shit as we do.
Don't love each other? Don't get married. Don't wanna get involved with each others' shit? Leave and never turn back. Don't cause pain to other people, especially kids because they DO NOT DESERVE THIS. What they deserve is a happy, innocent childhood filled with heart-warming memories. I just ugh, adults suck. Big time.
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