Risks

I read something on Tumblr, or was it Twitter? Anyway, it was along the lines of "if they constantly put themselves in a position where losing you is a possibility, lose them before they lose you." Okay, so maybe I made the last part up, I don't remember what comes after the first line but it was something like that. The phrase made sense to me because if you do cherish one person, if you do think the world of them, the last thing you'd want is have them walk away right? You'd give everything you have to make them stay, to prevent them from disappearing out of your life. You'd do that for them because they matter to you. They matter a lot. So, you hold on to them.

Maybe it's different for her, I don't know. But for me, if I don't want to lose you then I'd make damn sure I do what I have to in order to keep you with me. I'd try to minimize the hurt I cause you because it's pain that drives people away. Pain is the ultimate deterrent, isn't it? I know that I can get bitchy sometimes. I can get emotional and unstable. But I never intended for anyone to leave. I still try to hold on. I know I've put myself in a position where I could be losing you before, but I never let it go too far. I'd always stop myself before it's too late.

But every time I look back at you and our last moments together, I get answers I don't want. I over-think, but I doubt that this is me over-thinking. It's true that you can love someone and still hurt them. It's true that you can love someone and still leave them. I think she's leaving me. This isn't the first time she's risked the possibility of me out her door. This isn't the first time she let me realize things and cry to myself while she played dead. It hurts the most, telling myself that this isn't the first time.

This is probably the 20th time. 20 times she threw me into a pit of fire to see if I'd still come crawling back in the end. For the last 20 times, yes. I went back to her. I crawled back into her warm, passionate, familiar embrace. Is that going to happen again this time? Or will she have her arms crossed? Will I let myself burn out in the flames she started?

I don't know. But I need some music to get through the day though.