Exam's in two weeks and i'm still here doing whatever a lazy person would do two weeks before their exam. I swear one day my laziness is going to get me killed, i know it. I admit that i don't really try to get over this lazy phase but i googled "study tips for lazy people" like 3 minutes ago and honestly, i don't think it helped much, just the typical logical answers about getting rid of Facebook, don't overstudy, exercise regularly, blablableh. Tell me something i don't know? Maybe i'll give the regular exercise a try, i could use the fat loosing session anyways. I feel like i'll be seeing layers of the most undesired body part in life very soon if i keep having these in-between-meals-meals. Oh god, i'm one unhealthy kid. Yes, getting fat is counted as one of my teen-girl problems that i have gotta come to terms with sooner or later, but i'm not THAT self-conscious about my weight, if i were would i still be digesting all these potato chips and carton of corn flavored ice-cream? I think not, but yeah needa start getting sweaty soon if i don't intend to transform myself into an Asian blob. Just the mere thought of it disgusts me. Bleh.
Alright, so what other teenage issues are annoying me right now? Oh yes, issues with the friends. I would be a liar if i said that my friends and i are a great friends, because i really don't think so. It's not them though, this one i'm perfectly aware of it being the way it is because of me. In shorter words, i am a shit friend. And this is bad, no, this is really bad because like my mom, i don't have a big circle of comrades, nope i have one small troupe of friends who would gladly hold my food for me while i tie my shoe, but not as willing to take a bullet for me. Who would anyways for such an evil bitch. I'm pretty sure even my family, who are biologically programmed to love me, will have a hard time choosing between me and 500 dollars. No seriously, i'm that individual whom people would get rid of as soon as the situation allowed it. Yes, i'm so bad that i'm not even worth 5000 dollars to my family, let alone the people i call my friends. Lately when i say things like "i don't know, i just don't really like him/her", my friends would be like "who do you like val huh who. tell me one person that you actually like" making it nothing less than obvious about the fact that i have issues with everyone. I won't deny the truth about me being a judgmental, hypocritical bitch, but aca-excuse me, i don't see you being all Mother Theresa either. I make mistakes about judging people, but did you really have to throw it at my face. That just really ticks me off. And you see why i'm such a shitty friend? Even when i'm trying to prove to people that i've been doing all the bad things in the friendship between me and my fellow friends, i somehow find my self-centered way to ranting about myself and the things they do that pisses me off like i'm trying to make them sound horrible even as i'm attempting to tell the world of Blogger that it's my fault, i did this. It's a disease, i tell you. This pathetic way of me dealing with things, especially extremely important and fragile things like friendships and relationships. I'm a horrible person. Well, fuck.
If there's a way to go around this, i would. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why i have to be so..bitchy. God, what the hell is wrong with me. I have friends, i care about them, i don't know if they care about me, but why do i have to be this annoying, bitchy, selfish, self-centered, pathetic piece of damaged shit. You know what i'd like to do? I'd very much like to torch myself alive for being such a crappy excuse for a friend, or a human being. I know people don't like me very much, heck, who am i kidding, they probably hate me to the very core that they wish they could put scorpions in my bed, yeah well i hate myself too. This isn't me asking for sympathy or attention or anything at all, i just wanted to be free of this bad-friend-curse. My friends deserve a better friend, the world deserves a better person, my family deserves someone better, someone more worthy of the life that i have before me, someone who isn't me. Oh god, i hope nobody ever reads this. Perks of being an unpopular bitch, people could care less about you. I see it now, how unwanted i am in this world. It's true and i know it. And all because of this horrible being that i've become today. How did i get here. How do i go back.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Monday, August 5, 2013
Oh it's the 5th of August
Yeah so why should this date be of any significance to anyone but me? Well, i don't think it should be because firstly, some people really could care less about their birthdays and if you're one of those friends who are like "O M G IT'S LIKE YOUR BIRTHDAY I'M GOING TO GET YOU ALL THE THINGS YOU WANT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU" but when you actually do get it for your birthday friends and their reaction happens to be a single-syllable word "cool" or a simple monotonous "thanks i like it", don't say i didn't warn ya.
And secondly, you could be the one having your birthday but sadly, no one actually put in an effort to mark it down on their calender or maybe even get you some lame birthday card just to put a smile on your already-sad-disappointed face and you're just all alone at home or in your bedroom flopped down on the bed, staring at the white ceiling caving over you while depression and a whole load of disappointment mount over you, suffocating you till you tell yourself how much you regret being brought to this world. Yeah so basically what i'm saying is that birthdays are a risky thing to handle, be it the birthday boy or the friend/family of the birthday boy cause there will always be two possibilities.
One, you disappoint.
Two, you get disappointed.
So the question is, am i the one who disappoint or am i the one who is disappointed today? Honestly, i cannot say because this will be a breach to my life-to-diary-not-online-journal-policy, so you sense my hesitation, BUT i will say that today will definitely go down the records as the "top 5 worst birthdays i could remember for the last 16 years of my life", not because i didn't get what i wanted (i kind of always get what i want but oh god i sound like a mega B for just saying this but it's funny so), or that everyone forgot that it was the day i came to exist, no, non of that B.S. It was more of a it's-my-birthday-i-should-be-super-duper-happy-crazy-but-i'm-not-i'm-just-super-depressed-and-emo-today kind of thing y'know. Didn't quite ask for this,but we don't control what we feel, or do we? This is exactly why i think i suffer from some sort of undiagnosed psychological disorder. I kind of just feel it sometimes. I don't know if this is me being overly-sensitive or paranoid about myself, but i've always thought that there was something inside me that isn't exactly known to the world yet. And man, do i wish that i was talking about some superhuman abilities like those from Heroes or X-Men. Or i could be over-thinking, which is something i totally rock at.
Well just, happy birthday to me.
Love,
Me.
And secondly, you could be the one having your birthday but sadly, no one actually put in an effort to mark it down on their calender or maybe even get you some lame birthday card just to put a smile on your already-sad-disappointed face and you're just all alone at home or in your bedroom flopped down on the bed, staring at the white ceiling caving over you while depression and a whole load of disappointment mount over you, suffocating you till you tell yourself how much you regret being brought to this world. Yeah so basically what i'm saying is that birthdays are a risky thing to handle, be it the birthday boy or the friend/family of the birthday boy cause there will always be two possibilities.
One, you disappoint.
Two, you get disappointed.
So the question is, am i the one who disappoint or am i the one who is disappointed today? Honestly, i cannot say because this will be a breach to my life-to-diary-not-online-journal-policy, so you sense my hesitation, BUT i will say that today will definitely go down the records as the "top 5 worst birthdays i could remember for the last 16 years of my life", not because i didn't get what i wanted (i kind of always get what i want but oh god i sound like a mega B for just saying this but it's funny so), or that everyone forgot that it was the day i came to exist, no, non of that B.S. It was more of a it's-my-birthday-i-should-be-super-duper-happy-crazy-but-i'm-not-i'm-just-super-depressed-and-emo-today kind of thing y'know. Didn't quite ask for this,but we don't control what we feel, or do we? This is exactly why i think i suffer from some sort of undiagnosed psychological disorder. I kind of just feel it sometimes. I don't know if this is me being overly-sensitive or paranoid about myself, but i've always thought that there was something inside me that isn't exactly known to the world yet. And man, do i wish that i was talking about some superhuman abilities like those from Heroes or X-Men. Or i could be over-thinking, which is something i totally rock at.
Well just, happy birthday to me.
Love,
Me.
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