My self-loathing isn't fresh news so talking about it could be quite a drag. Maybe we should skip right to why i sometimes find myself hating everything else but myself. Yes, this happens every now and then. Not a common sight, but it's been going on for about a week now. And i hate it. One thing i hate more than wallowing in self-pity, is wallowing in self-pity over the fact that i'm turning into a whiny bitch that hates on everything that breathes around her, which is what's happening right now. As of late, instead of the usual thoughts i get late at night like, "I'm such a loser", "I'm alone because i suck" and my favorite, "I don't deserve this/them", I get train of thoughts like, "They're lame", "I'm alone because they suck" and my least favorite of all, "I deserve much better than this/them." My least favorite thought of course, doesn't pop up for a visit much but when it does, i get sucked into this dark portal of realization that yells at me, "YOU'RE TURNING INTO A SHITHEAD FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!" before getting transported to another hole somewhere in the universe of Val's Dysfunctional Brain that throws a series of flash cards at my face that say, "Oh my god, you're now a sad loser."
You see, i used to think that having thoughts about how pathetic you are or how your own life is the saddest thing ever, but that was way before i discovered that sad thoughts consist of many, many levels. And on these multiple levels, the one that claims victory of the saddest of all thought, is the one that's telling yourself that you've now unlocked the gates to the Kingdom of Loser Land and the key will forever be in your rightful possession because you are now King to the land of sad losers, well, your land of sad losers since they're all your thoughts and your sadness.
BASICALLY, IT'S JUST REALLY SAD TO REALIZE THAT YOU'RE BEING A DICK WHEN YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHTS TO ASSUME THE ROLES OF DICKERY. So yes, if this isn't sad, i'm not sure what is. Okay, maybe i should explain in a more detailed fashion the thoughts that i've spent many nights pondering about, but it would really suck because they are such whinny, sucky thoughts that are so far from the truth, they make the journey from earth to Pluto seem like joke of the year material. Yep, so. Lately, i've been hating on something else other than my incompetent self. Yes, i've started to find the thought of my acquaintances less than appealing. And this worries the shit out of me because it is something that has not happened before.
So far, the only negative thoughts i get about my fellow peers are when i'm pissed off at them for being insensitive, which they rarely are, or when they're being annoying, again, a very rare occurrence as i have been playing the role of being annoying for many years now. So yeah, i get angry at my friends, i cuss at my friends but i've never blamed them for making me feel the way that i do most of the time(with the exception of one little asshole that didn't have the decency to stay the fuck away from me). I'm currently feeling really bad about having the thought because not only is that a dick move, it is also...oh wait, the 'd' words says it all.
Yep, I is feeling da shit.
