I Just Want To Be Alone(for now)

  Maybe i've been asking for too much. Maybe God's got sick of me always wanting something that i myself know that i don't deserve. God, i'm sure you're aware of how sick i am of myself, right? My house, my home, my shelter, it protects and has protected me over the years, but now, all i feel is that this place that has been taking care of me, will finally be the death of me. I think, at this point, there is nothing i want more than it to be the death of me. That, or my own personal room.

  You must be thinking, wow she's feeling like complete crap right now and still has the mood and whatnot to joke around. Well, sorry, but you're wrong. That wasn't a joke, i really am dying to have a room to myself. Literally dying. So literal i could almost taste the sleeping pills that i've been considering to put into my mouth since the starting of the year. Am i being a spoiled brat? Am i being ungrateful, wasteful, for wanting out of this gift of life by God and my family? Maybe i am, but i can't help but think that things might just be easier if i hadn't existed. Obviously, i'm not worth a rat's ass. Obviously, i'm just a trash of the society. Obviously, me and happiness are not meant to be. I'm the biggest failure ever, i failed at the only thing that nobody could've failed at even if they tried.

  I've failed at life.

  Living should be the easiest thing to do. It comes to show how useless i am because i couldn't even pull myself through this, through my short teenage life. Things are so horrible up in my head right now, that i've just spent roughly around 45 minutes crying about God-knows-what. No, i'm serious. I can remember why i started tearing up in the first place, but i should've stopped after around 10 minutes of crying. I didn't though. This time i passed the ten minutes, my tears just kept flowing. It continued streaming down both sides of my face until i found myself at a loss for trying to find a reason to my overflowing of tears. I cried so much, and for so long, i didn't even know why i was crying anymore. It came naturally and it was unstoppable. Believe me, i tried stopping it.

  My family probably thinks i'm angry at something stupid and pointless again. They don't understand that i'm just using teenage angst as a cover-up for what i'm really feeling inside. Do they really think that i can be angry 24/7? I just act like i do so that no one would ask about why i cry silently in the bathroom when everyone's downstairs doing their own stuff, why i go to bed at 10.45pm to only fall into slumber at 2am in the morning, why i sometimes don't want to talk or look people in the eyes when i do, why i lock my doors, why i desperately want my own room. I could answer all of those questions right now, but is there really a point to it? I mean, isn't it obvious enough already? Right, maybe the first three was, and the part about wanting my own bedroom can be a little misleading, so i'll provide a short explanation for that one then.

  I want my own room because only then, i'd finally be able to cry in peace. No interruptions. Just peace.

  As of now, i can never really do anything without someone barging into my shared room asking me where this and that was, or if i've done this or that yet, or if i know how soon my public exam will be arriving. And they wonder why i lock my door whenever i'm in my mom's room. Yes, i'm so desperate, i use my mom's room as a second-room. It's actually a pretty good place for me to collect myself and be alone, but too bad whenever people try to come in and discovered that i've locked the door, they'd knock the wooden door down until i open up and explain to them that i wasn't doing anything 'funny' or 'guilty' inside.

  I just want to be alone. Why can't they get that. Why can't they understand that i, a seventeen year old with a messed up head and life, need my personal space to fulfill my messed up needs. Of course, they can't be blamed because i've given them the impression that lead to their underestimation of how messed up i actually am. What child in their right mind would actually tell this to people? Even if they were their own family? I don't tell mine because i don't think they deserve to be put through my own shit. My problems are my problems, i'll do my best to deal with them myself, and even though i'm failing miserably at that, i don't think dragging them into this would help them with their lives. It might help me, but knowing that they would be suffering along with me because of it, it's just not worth it. I will not do that to my family. Not after what i've put them through for being alive and in existence.

  Is this me being selfish? Or big-hearted? Or just guilty that i'm living a life that i absolutely do not deserve? I think it's a little bit of everything. God, i'm just so tired. And school isn't helping. It never does. And i'm not helping myself. I never do. This is why i'm such a waste of space on earth. And also a waste of a perfectly perfect life of a daughter.

  The only thing i'll ever regret, i think, is the fact that i was born. Is it wrong, horrible for me to say something like that? I don't know anymore. At this point in life, i don't know if i wanna know anything anymore. 

Me And My Feelings Again

  School's starting in a couple more days, less than 72 hours from now and how do i feel about that? I am absolutely overjoyed. Yes, i'm being sarcastic. Just yesterday, I had again, one of my fairly rare breakdowns all because of what my grandma had said to me. I say fairly rare because it actually has been a while since i last felt like i wanted lighting to come and strike me right in the face. After getting my phone back, i realized that nothing much has changed, I am though, using the iPad a lot more often now because i guess i got used to using it since two months ago when my phone got confiscated. Anyways, i think, the last time i felt crappy, like above-average crappy was around a month ago? Or maybe less, but three weeks tops. Yeah, i wasn't that sad, and things felt like they were going to be fine or rather i didn't spend time thinking about things because it was the holidays.

  But yesterday was a wow. It had been while since i cried that much and horribly, that when i realized how i felt about the words that exited my grandma's mouth, i spent a few minutes thinking about it, about how un-sad i was for the past two weeks or so. Now that school's reopening, it means that my problems, my fears, my issues will be coming back to me and it's time for me to spend nights and days thinking about them, letting them tear me apart again. If i had a choice, i'd honestly just pull the trigger. I mean, what's the point of living when i'm just another living matter that's taking up earth's rather limited space?

  It's actually quite humorous when you think about those two words, 'living matter'. I'm alive, but not living. I'm a matter, but i don't exactly matter, not to most people at least. I feel bad for those who actually put in the effort and time to care for me because in the end, i know i'm just going to explode right in front of their faces and let them know how big of a fuck-up i really am. Oh, how i wish i wasn't me. How i wasn't me that's living my sad, pathetic life.

  Do i sound depressed enough yet? Because i took another depression test this morning, after taking a personality test the night before with the results showing that i have a depression level of 99%, and the depression test showed some rather interesting things. I don't particularly remember anything from it other than the obvious results. So, the end results after hundreds and hundreds of question answered was as below:-

1) Level of depression: high
2) Type of depression: major depressive disorder(clinical depression)

And also, it is advice that i visit the nearest clinic and have the psych side of me checked out. Or, I could give a call to the suicide/depression hotline and seek assistance.

  None of which i did because honestly speaking, i didn't want anyone to know about this. I mean, yeah this is an online blog, but i'm the only living thing that comes here and post and read the shit that i posted. Basically, i think this is my problem and my family has got their own hands full with their own lives so why bother them with mine? I know people say, "Sharing is good, talk about it, let loose your feelings", but uhh, i think i'll pass because one, i don't think i can handle them knowing about me being ever weaker than they already think i am, two, there was no way in hell they would understand what i'm going throug because heck, i don't even know what i'm going through.

  I just know two things about myself right now. The first one being, i'm sixteen-and-a-half and super messed up. The second one being, i'm trying my best not to screw things up for my family by keeping them in the dark about the shit that's going on with me. I'm pretty sure some of them get the hint that there might be something a little off with me, yeah okay, so maybe Val's sad and whatever, but she's a teenager and that's normal.

  Hah sorry, but no. You underestimated the degree of my sadness. Even if i went up to them and told them, "hey i think i've got depression" all they'd do is look at me and laugh because do you really think they'd know what depression is? Okay, so maybe they do, but i think, i personally, believe with all my heart that they just wouldn't get it. "Depression? So?" that's exactly what they would say because come on, how many people or kids they know have go through this sort of thing? This disorder is probably seen as some sort of joke to them, but they're not to blame because depression isn't something everyone would understand.

  It takes a depressed kid to know a depressed kid. If you haven't been there, you wouldn't understand it, not completely at least. People can try to be sympathetic and "understanding", but you know in your heart that it just isn't the same. They don't know what you know, they don't see what you see, and they sure damn well do not feel the way that you feel.

  I hope no one in the world would ever feel the way that we depressed people feel because living like this, it's just horrible. You're not living, you're just trying to live. You see life has a blackhole and you're just slowly waiting for it to engulf you completely until you disappear, until the world around you disappears. The irony though, gets to me all the time because i love life, i really do. And i appreciate it. I appreciate being able to walk, to talk, eat, sleep, dream, listen to music, see people that i love smile and laugh and have good things happen to them. I just wished that the life that i have could become someone else's because i really feel that all this around me, my family, my friends, my life, it's not mine to have. I'm not worthy of it. Not even a single bit worthy of it.

  I've never told anyone this, but when i cry, i actually feel a gush of relief. Relief because at least when i cry, i feel like i might not be as bad as i think i am, that i still have some sort of good in me that's keeping me here, keeping me alive although just barely.

  I hate school. But it's not really school that i hate, it's the person going to school that i hate. I hate the way that i'm dealing with school stuff and i hate myself for being so weak, so useless. Just, why the hell am i born? I don't deserve this beautiful, extraordinary thing called life. Give it to someone else, just not me. I'm a waste that will only waste away whatever that's given to me.

  My feelings. It's the only thing i can actually focus on even when i don't want to. What am i even saying right now. Oh god, i feel so lost. I'm lost.