Songs of Scenarios (encouragement for grandma)

Give me any reason to believe
Cause i swear i'm done here
Cause i've seen the bigger picture
And i'm looking for some answers

Tell me that it's worth it
Cause i'm doing all i can to fight it
And i've never been this scared
And my moment's finally here

Time's racing
Please slow down
I' got to find my way out
I'm hopeless
But hoping
My lungs won't fail me now
Cause i'm still breathing

It's hard to be a man
But i'm doing all i can
I'm ready to give this all i have
I'm ready to be amazed
Cause i'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing

Promise me some dignity
If i were to stand and die here
Cause my heart is somewhere else
It's a pain i've never felt

Time's racing
Please slow down
I' got to find my way out
I'm hopeless
But hoping
My lungs won't fail me now
Cause i'm still breathing

It's hard to be a man
But i'm doing all i can
I'm ready to give this i have
I'm ready to be amazed 
Cause i'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing

Where do we all find love
Where do we all find love

It's hard to be a man
But i'm doing all i can
I'm ready to give this all i have
I'm ready to be amazed
Cause i'm standing here alone
Trying to make this life my own
And nothing will keep this heart from beating
I'm still breathing

Still Breathing
- Mayday Parade

This song is dedicated to my grandma who lived and is still living life without a day of peace. To her, every single waking moment is a struggle. Even though she pulled through it in her younger days, it kills me to say that she's no longer the former headstrong 25 year old that she was and now everything is just so much harder because she's older, weaker and she's getting tired. I hope that the lyrics to this song will find its way to her and help her in ways that we can't. Stay strong, po.

Songs of Scenarios (grandma's younger days)

I can't believe that so much time was spent on my own

Just trying to figure it out all alone

Don't show emotion

Let this go

I can't pretend that everything is still okay

Until you rightfully say what you say

But now you left me here for dead

For dead

Why do you cry when you're falling asleep and

Girl, how can you love without ever losing it all

Don't put your faith in this when you won't believe it

Where did you go

How will you find yourself

When your hands to hold is letting go

Where did you go

How will you tell yourself you're losing hope

Losing hope

Is it just me or has the time we spent come undone

I know forever is not what you want

I'll pack my bags and brush it off

Brush it off

Why do you cry when you're falling asleep and

Girl, how can you love without ever losing it all

Don't put your faith in this when you won't believe it

Where did you go

How will you find yourself

When your hands to hold is letting go

Where did you go

How will you tell yourself you're losing hope

Tell me that you're alright

Why do we fight sometimes

Just try and make up your mind 

Try and make up your mind

Call Me Hopeless, But Not Romantic

- Mayday Parade

How my grandmother did it and make it out alive, i'll never know.

Life At Its Finest, I'm Sure

  You know why people say “Life’s a bitch”? Well because it really is. No matter how much you try, how much you give, how much you’ve sacrificed, life will always find a way to come back and stab you in the back. Maybe this isn’t God’s plan of life or whatever, but it sure is happening. Lately, i've been stressed out but not pressured about things happening within the family tree. Something is happening, something has happened, something sad, twisted and horrible. This something, i'm saddened  to say, has befallen on the tired shoulders of my grandma, the one i hold dearest to my heart though it does take some reminding at times because God knows how much of a bitch i am. As if life hasn't been the kindest to her, now even at the age where paradise and all-things-good should be promised to one, she still has to go through all these, shit. I won't go into details because we shouldn't wash our dirty linen in public or something like that, especially when you're of the Chinese bloodline where pride, honor and face is our whole world, but to those who are reading this(no one) and understand what's actually going on at home, i'd just like to say, it's nobody's fault.

  I honestly think no one should be blamed here, though i still have an undeniable urge to march down my uncle's house in California, drag his mental wife out into the woods, bash her head with all the rage and hate within my being, sprinkle her with leaves of Poison Ivy and then leave her to fend for her wounds there. So as i was saying before i was rudely cut off by the darker part of my mind, i honestly think no one should be blamed here, no one but life and fate. Why? It's because this thing that's happening, it wasn't supposed to be like this. This shouldn't be happening. If my aunt weren't crazed, yeah she's probably mentally ill right now, all this would have ceased to happen. My grandma would've been enjoying her time in Cali with her son, daughter-in-law and of course, the latest grandchild of the family, my youngest cousin to date. She wouldn't need to deal with this torture, this sadness, this guilt because the last person on earth to deserve treatment of this sort is my grandma. She hadn't done anything but great things in life. As a young woman, she was abandoned by her asshole husband who shall not be named, and had to lock away all her misery, all the ugly feelings that she was accustomed to feel in situations like these to bring up her three precious children single-handedly, my mom, my first uncle and my second uncle. 

  Though she had every right to pull the alcoholic, neglectful mother who was ditched by her husband for some 20 year-old child, she hung on to the thin thread that was holding her to her kids. She raised them like any good mother would, hell, she probably did a better job than most. She had put her kids first before her own life, because to her, her three kids were her life, they were all that she had left and she had a responsible to bring them up because she is their mother. So, my grandma, a single mother from an era where divorcees and homosexuals are shunned even more than now, manned-up and took care of her children who are all nothing less than successful now. My mom and her brothers are living life in luxury now because their mother had raised them up well. 

  Do you think raising three kids with your own two hands is easy when you're a jobless woman who have no connections with the outside world until the man you loved and thought had loved you back drove out of the front porch and into the arms of some UGH. My grandmother is a hero. She didn't need to die in battlefield or discover gravity from a fallen apple to receive a medal for bravery and award for whatever, i don't know. No, because she deserved much, much more than that. And then now, with this shit happening, oh god, i can't go on. I just hope things would be okay again for my grandma, she really doesn't need this right now or ever.